Jake: Figure out what's living in there yet?
Captain Holt: Well, uh, judging by the empty beer cars, the fur, the pornography, and the claw marks, I'd say a homeless man and a raccoon. The exact nature of their relationship is still revealing itself.
Jake: I'm gonna assume sexual.

Captain Holt: I don't think your wrist is supposed to move like that.
Jake: No, it's been like this since I broke it playing football in high school. Fine, I petted a horse too hard.

Captain Holt: If that woman posts her camera phone video that she took with a camera phone camera to the Internet, Figgis could figure out where we are.

Captain Holt: This is your fault.
Jake: Or maybe it's your fault for stealing my files. You know what? It doesn't matter. We have to get that video. Can we please just press pause on this fight and work together?
Captain Holt: Yes, on one condition: you stay the hell away from my walking group.
Jake: The walking group meant nothing to me.
Captain Holt: That's even worse!

Jake: What did this lady look like?
Captain Holt: White, female, 5'3", T-shirt that read, "Orgasm Donor."
Jake: We need more.

Jake: Okay, we got teenagers stealing a stuffed gorilla, old lady siphoning gas out of a go-kart, junkie ripping copper wires out of the wall God, this place is messed up.

Captain Holt: What did you find?
Jake: Not much. Camera was behind her. But look at her calf. It's a tattoo of Jesus punching bin Laden in the nuts.
Captain Holt: Hmm. Maybe a local tattoo artist will recognize it. It can't be that common.
Hestus: That's the most common tattoo we give.

Hestus: Actually, you know what? That's a high school graduation ring. Dan Marino High, class of 2003.
Jake: Marino High, home of the Dolphins, I suspect.
Hestus: Nope, Pet Detectives. Town was really into Marino's cameo in Ace Ventura.
Jake: Ah, it stands to reason. Classic film, one of my childhood favorites. And it only gets overtly transphobic at the very end, so a win.

Hestus: But you guys getting ink, or what?
Captain Holt: No, I already have a tattoo.
Jake: What? Where? Why? How? When?
Captain Holt: I will never talk about it again.
[Jake groans]

Jake: Okay, now all we have to do is go to Dan Marino High and get all the personal info on the class of 2003 and then show each other our tattoos.
Captain Holt: Never going to happen.

Captain Holt: We're not cops anymore. How are we gonna get access to those files?
Jake: Easy: I walk in there dressed as an exterminator saying I'm from 1-2-3 Pest Removal. Secretary's like, "Never heard of you." Then I'm like, [Scottish accent:] "Listen, lassie, it's best you let me speak with your principal." I hear it. I'm gonna drop the accent. She takes me to see the principal you walk in behind me and download the file.
Captain Holt: The only question is, where are we gonna find an exterminator's outfit?
Jake: We're gonna need khaki pants and a khaki shirt.
Captain Holt: To my casual wear closet.

Captain Holt: Have you posted that video to the Internet?
Jordan Carfton: Not yet. Ran out of data on my phone because of all the porn I watched.
Jake: We don't know each other. You could've just said you were out of data.

Jordan Carfton: I'm uploading the video tomorrow at my cousin's wedding. Dog track has free Wi-Fi.
Jake: Would you ever consider not uploading it and deleting it instead? If our boss sees that video, we could be fired.
Jordan Carfton: I don't care about you. A great viral video like that could fetch me ten grand. And do you know what type of tanning bed I could get for that kind of money? A mid-range one.
Captain Holt: Not necessary. Your tan is great as-is. You look like an evenly-stained deck.

Captain Holt: We don't have that kind of money.
Jake: Don't worry. I still have a few tricks up my sleeve. The only thing I need you to do is-
Captain Holt: I'm not gonna show you my tattoo.
Jake: Come on, just give me a hint. Is it an antique boat? Is it a musket? Is it me on a dragon? ... Sir, is it me on a dragon?!

Captain Holt: You okay?
Jake: [grunts] Yeah. A little sore, but-
Captain Holt: Good. Then I can excoriate you freely.