Season 5 Quotes Page 1 of 81

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Quote from Charles in the episode NutriBoom

Jake: All right, let's get a move on.The longer I stay here, the more horrified I get.
Charles: I know. Have you seen all these posters of David Stovelman's wife, Debbie?
Jake: "I'm happy, healthy and alive." Oh, Debbie dead.
Charles: Debbie real dead.

Quote from Jake in the episode HalloVeen

Jake: Okay, here it goes. Ames, I love you. I love how smart you are. I love how beautiful you are. I love your face, and I love your butt. I should've written this down first.
Amy: No, no, it's okay. Go on.
Jake: I love how much you pretend to like Die Hard.
Amy: I like the second one.
Jake: You don't have to.
Amy: Okay.
Jake: Yeah. You're kind, and you're funny, and you're the best person I know, and the best detective. Also, for reals, I love your butt.
Amy: I love yours too.
Jake: Gross. Amy Santiago will you marry me?
Amy: Jake Peralta, I will marry you.

Quote from Jake in the episode HalloVeen

Jake: Look, no one gave me the idea. I decided to ask Amy to marry me all on my own on April 28th.
[flashback:]
Amy: [GASPS] There's a typo in this crossword puzzle.

Quote from Adrian Pimento in the episode Gray Star Mutual

Adrian Pimento: I'm an insurance investigator now.
Charles: I thought you were in Alaska.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, yeah, I was after Rosa and I broke up. But then I accidentally killed a "protected buffalo", self-defense. Next thing I know, Fish and Game are all over my ass. I ended up in a fight with a bear, and I had to think to myself, why am I even here?
Jake: Wait a minute. You fought a bear?
Adrian Pimento: Big time. The trick on that: head-butt him in the penis, push him over a cliff.
Jake: Ah, I bet that works with a lot of animals.
Adrian Pimento: Only the male ones. Learned that the hard way.

Quote from Amy in the episode Jake & Amy

Amy: Okay, well. I've been planning this wedding for the last six months. And if you told me yesterday everything that was gonna go wrong, I would have had a panic attack that sent me into the ER. But I'm here, and I've never been happier. Life is unpredictable. Not everything's in our control. But as long as you're with the right people, you can handle anything. And you, Jake Peralta, are the right person for me. But I do have some bad news. There is a bomb at this wedding as well.
Jake: What?
Amy: Your butt. Your butt is the bomb. There will be no survivors.

Quote from Jake in the episode Safe House

Jake: That's it. These two oranges are going to the library! Damn it, peeling out, it was right there!

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Jake & Amy

Captain Holt: Okay. Moving on. Do you, Amy Santiago, take Jake Peralta to be your husband?
Amy: I do.
Captain Holt: And do you, Jake Peralta, take Amy Santiago to be your wife?
Jake: I absolutely do.
Captain Holt: By the power vested in me by the state of New York, I'd like to announce that your honeymoon vacation request status has officially been moved from pending to approved. You're married. You may kiss the bride.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Jake & Amy

Captain Holt: Congratulations once again to Jake and Amy. And now that everyone's here, I have an email that I need to open.
Jake: All right, weirdo, not something we usually announce to the squad.
Gina: It says if he got the commissioner job.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, my God! What?
Gina: He was too scared to read it all day.
Captain Holt: I was, until I heard something very wise tonight. Life is unpredictable. Not everything is in our control. But as long as we're with the right people, we can handle anything. So I'd like to receive this news with all of you.
Amy: He quoted me.
Captain Holt: Okay, here we go. Well, from the look on my face, I'm sure you can guess what it says.
Jake: No! We have no idea at all. Just tell us, you monster!

Quote from other character in the episode Jake & Amy

Amy: Hey, Mlepnos.
Mlepnos: I don't know you.
Amy: Kay.

Quote from other character in the episode Jake & Amy

Jake: Hey, I know you. You're Mlepnos.
Mlepnos: No. We have never met.
Jake: No, I'm pretty sure we have.
Mlepnos: You sell me horse blood?
Jake: No.
Mlepnos: Would you like to buy horse blood?
Jake: No.

Quote from Teddy in the episode Jake & Amy

Teddy: Yeah, I felt bad about how everything went down today, so I offered to help.
Jake: Oh, that's nice.
Teddy: Also, are you guys doing that thing where someone gets to object to this union, or is that later?
Amy: We're not doing that.
Teddy: You've outsmarted me. Congratulations.

Quote from Jake in the episode Jake & Amy

Captain Holt: Now I believe you've prepared your own vows?
Jake: Yes, I was going to do an "Addams Family" themed rap, but my beat-boxer isn't here. That's the only reason it's not happening. So, Ames, today has been a crazy day. But I shouldn't be surprised, because we've had a lot of crazy days. There was our first date, our first kiss, the first time you told me you loved me, and the day you told me you would marry me. Also, yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, because every single day that I get to be with someone as amazing as you is crazy to me. I love you. And I'm worried about dancing in front of our friends. The end.

Quote from Amy in the episode Jake & Amy

Jake: I love you so much. You're my dream girl.
Amy: I love you too. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you.

Quote from Charles in the episode Jake & Amy

Jake: Charles, it looks amazing.
Amy: It's beautiful. How can I ever repay you?
Charles: Get pregnant. Use your body to give the world more Jake.
Jake: Holy crap. All right. I'm gonna take Charles away from you now. I will see you up there.

Quote from Jake in the episode Jake & Amy

Captain Holt: Ring bearer, please, bring the rings.
Jake: But I thought Cheddar was sick- Oh, my God. You got the robot. There's a robot at my wedding.

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