Charles: Okay, first of all, Rosa, you look amazing. Secondly, I made an appointment at the salon with Nikki, for you, under the name Gabriella Fuentes de San Miguel Estrada. I had fun with the name.
Rosa: Clearly.

Gina: Wait, first, let's say a prayer. Dear Beyonce, Solange, Rihanna, someone cool that's white, Cardi B, please bless this flush. A-women.

Scully: I miss my home chair.
Rosa: You miss a chair?

Jake: Where did I put them? Let's see. I had them in my left hand, and then I went to open the trunk, so I switched to my right hand. Oh, but then I had to sneeze, and I thought, "I don't want to sneeze on these keys." Dr. Seuss. Not really, but should be. "Do not sneeze on my keys. Do not wheeze on my keys. Do not sneeze on your knees on my keys, if you please."
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, could you please move along on this thought journey?
Jake: Yeah, right, sorry. Okay, so then I put them on top of a plastic tub, which is locked inside the car. The keys are locked inside the car!
Sergeant Jeffords: Why?!

Jake: Halloween. Mua-ha-ha-ha. It's heist time. Argh!
Amy: Thought you could get a head start on heist prep? Good luck. I'm already dressed.
Jake: Well, I'm also dressed, and I made breakfast. Wait, where are my eggs?
Captain Holt: In my belly. [BOTH SCREAM] Now get a move on, it's heist time.
Jake: I love Halloween!

Adrian Pimento: I'm an insurance investigator now.
Charles: I thought you were in Alaska.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, yeah, I was after Rosa and I broke up. But then I accidentally killed a "protected buffalo", self-defense. Next thing I know, Fish and Game are all over my ass. I ended up in a fight with a bear, and I had to think to myself, why am I even here?
Jake: Wait a minute. You fought a bear?
Adrian Pimento: Big time. The trick on that: head-butt him in the penis, push him over a cliff.
Jake: Ah, I bet that works with a lot of animals.
Adrian Pimento: Only the male ones. Learned that the hard way.

Jake: [flashback] Mr. Santiago, I'm calling to inform you that I plan to ask your daughter to marry me, but since it's 2017, I am not asking you for your permission, as she is not your property, nor would she be mine, if she chooses to say yes. She's a strong independent woman, and she don't need no man. That being said, I truly hope she says yes. But it's her decision, so just back off!
Amy: Aww, that was perfect. What did he say?
Jake: I have no idea, I left a voicemail. I'm terrified of him.

Jake: So, I got assigned to this one rookie, and on his training day, I made him smoke angel dust at gunpoint. King Kong ain't got nothing on me.
Tank: Isn't that the plot and tagline of The movie "Training Day"?
Jake: Yes, great observation, Tank. That's because it's based on my life.

Jake: You might wanna stand back for this, sir. It can get pretty intense.
Amy: [YELLING] All right, you mooks, our union health plan has 100% reimbursement for out-of-state ambulance rides. Scully will fake a medical emergency.
Scully: Don't need to fake it. Always having at least one.
Amy: Great. You call an ambulance and have it take us here to Monroe, Louisiana. The ambulance can drive 25 miles over the posted speed limit, so we'll get there by 9:00 p.m. There's a small airport there, mostly servicing crop dusters. Of course, they can't take passengers, but thanks to a loophole in H.R. 377551, police officers are allowed to commandeer any plane in the interest of national security. The crop duster will land at an airstrip outside of Finksburg, Maryland. We'll take a cab to Baltimore, jump on the 6:48 a.m. train to New York, arriving at 9:26. Kevin will meet us at Penn Station with a fresh Captain's uniform. From there, it's a 29-minute cab ride to One Police Plaza. You change on the way, and we should get to your meeting with five minutes to spare. Stop clapping, you idiots! We gotta move, move, move!
Jake: I love her.

Charles: Hello? You know what, I'm trying to keep this line open, so I don't have time for your bull crap. Good-bye, Mom.

Gina: What are we looking for? Can you describe the envelope?
Captain Holt: It was a white number ten. It's the same kind you use to send fan mail to yourself.
Gina: I've never done that, but I do know what envelopes my fans use, so that's very helpful.

Charles: Hey, guys. Uh, can we talk?
Amy: Let me guess, you got overwhelmed and had to use our six-sandwich technique.
Charles: No, my one at a time system worked perfectly.
Amy: Oh.
Charles: It's just, making Nana Boyle's meatball recipe got me thinking a lot about her-
Amy: And let me guess, you realized she'd be ashamed of how you acted?
Charles: No, Nana Boyle was a monster. She once yelled at me so loud, I fainted.
She was a hateful witch. She died with no friends.
Gina: And let me guess, you realized you were acting just like her and you felt terrible?
Charles: Yes.
Gina: You see, Amy? You don't do "and let me guess" until you're sure you're right.

Captain Holt: Well, hello, Dolly.

Captain Holt: Hitchcock, there's a woman here interviewing detectives a part of the Commissioner selection process.
Hitchcock: All right, I'll go hide in the janitor's closet until this is all over. Thanks for the heads up.
Captain Holt: No, it's too late for that. She wants to talk to you.
Hitchcock: What? No! How could you let this happen? I'm nuts!
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, calm down, man. We just took her on a tour of the precinct and now she's at lunch. That means we have one hour to teach you how to behave like a human.
Hitchcock: Oh, I see. You're gonna "My Bare Lady" me.
Captain Holt: "My Bare Lady"?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm assuming it's a "My Fair Lady" porn parody.
Captain Holt: Oh, my. We've got our work cutout for us.

Gina: The first thing we gotta do, shut off the water supply. Did I do that? That's an Urkel reference, from the show "Family Matters." Do you remember that?