Captain Holt: Oh, here she is. I guess you don't have time to take off those ridiculous suspenders.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?

Dennis Cole: He's trapped and desperate. Everything he told you is a lie.
Jake: Why do you say he's lying?
Dennis Cole: That's all negotiating is. Two liars lying to each other until one liar stands too close to the window and gets shot in the head.
Jake: That can't be all negotiating is.
Dennis Cole: It absolutely is. Now, get in there and coax him to a window. Snipers to one. The window plan is on. I repeat. The window plan is on.
Jake: No, no, no, no, no! Snipers to zero. Snipers take a nap. The nap plan is on. It's nap time, snipers.

Charles: Okay, I think we're ready for a practice sandwich.
Amy: Sounds good, boss.
Charles: Please call me "chef".
Amy: [chuckles] That's funny. ... Chef.
Charles: Thank you.

Doug Judy: Look, I wasn't lying though. Halloway was gonna hurt her and you saved her life, but then I was all alone with the diamonds, next thing I know, I'm hot wiring a car and driving away.
Jake: Oh, but I thought you liked being a good citizen? You voted Ed Breakfast for school board.
Doug Judy: And he immediately had a sex scandal. It was very disillusioning.
Jake: For sure. Our democracy is crumbling.

Jake: Now's the time where you tell me everything's gonna be okay.
Rosa: Everything's gonna be okay.
Jake: You don't know that, Rosa!

Philip Davidson: I'm Philip Davidson. Detective Jake Peralta asked me to drop by.
Gina: Mm, the dentist who murdered someone. Spoiler alert: they think you did it. [to a cop] Can you show him to Interrogation Room C, please? Have fun in there.
Philip Davidson: Thank you.

Captain Holt: So, can I join you?
Jake: Well, a lot of these techniques do work better with two people: you know, good cop/bad cop, crazy cop/sane cop, fast-talking streetwise cop and Hong Kong cop, AKA the "Rush Hour". You know what? Let's do this. Let's break this son of a bitch!

Captain Holt: Tell us about Friday.
Philip Davidson: I had a late afternoon surgery. Simple gum graft. It wrapped around 6:00, and then Robert and I talked after.
Jake: And who else was in the office?
Philip Davidson: Our hygienist and anesthesiologist had gone home, and Grace, who usually locks up, had left early because her grandson had a school play.
Jake: So it was just you and Robert.
Captain Holt: No witnesses.
Jake: That's lucky.
Philip Davidson: It wasn't lucky because there was nothing to witness. Robert just wanted to talk about firing one of our office assistants, Cheryl.
Jake: And that's all you discussed?
Philip Davidson: Yeah.
Jake: Nothing else?
Philip Davidson: Nah.
Jake: Zero other subjects were mentioned?
Philip Davidson: None.
Jake: Not even how gross gum grafts are?
Philip Davidson: They're really not that gross.
Jake: Liar! About the gum graft thing, and about the meeting.

Philip Davidson: We just talked about Cheryl.
Jake: Right. And, of course, there's no way for me to check if that's true, because because whoever took Robert's phone wiped all of his calendars. Except it was all backed up on his home laptop. Would you like to hear what he said the meeting was about? "7:00 p.m. Talked with Philip about"-
Philip Davidson: Missing meds. Ooh. Did I get that right?
Jake: Uh, yeah. But "missing meds" hardly sounds like "firing Cheryl," so maybe you want to explain-
Philip Davidson: He thought Cheryl was stealing Diazepam. That's why he wanted to fire her. Any other questions?
Jake: Uh....

Jake: What the hell are you doing in there? You totally undermined me.
Captain Holt: I know, and I apologize, but I'm executing a strategy.
Jake: Oh, really, and what strategy might that be? Make Jake feel like an idiot, or make Jake feel self-conscious about his Addams Family-themed wedding vows rap?
Captain Holt: No, I want Philip to underestimate you and fear me. I'll badger him with my superior intellect, while simultaneously belittling you. Once Philip dismisses you as a threat, I'll leave you alone with him, and he'll let his guard down.
Jake: If I didn't know any better, I would say you're describing smart cop/dumb cop.

Captain Holt: So, the night of the murder, you met with Robert in the surgical suite. Why there? Why not your office?
Philip Davidson: Uh, just preparing for the next day's surgeries.
Captain Holt: Don't you have an assistant who does that?
Philip Davidson: I'm a meticulous person. I'm careful how I do things.
Jake: So careful that you ... I'm sorry, I forgot what I was gonna say. Come back to me.

Captain Holt: Tell us about that Diazepam. If Cheryl didn't take it, then who did? Because we're pretty sure it was you.
Philip Davidson: Honestly, it could have been any one of our employees. They all have access to the storage room. You know, it's silly, but, uh I trust the people who work for me.
Jake: I'm telling you, Captain Holt is only in here because I want him here.
Philip Davidson: Really? So you're in charge? And all those strategies you've been coming after me with, those were all your ideas?
Jake: Right. The guitar thing was mine.
Philip Davidson: And you signed off on that?
Captain Holt: Well-
Jake: Seriously?
Philip Davidson: Ooh, this is sad.

Philip Davidson: Your boss thinks you're an idiot; that can't feel good.
Jake: All right, listen, you son of a bitch, you think you're smarter than us? You think you've gotten away with it? You haven't. We're gonna find something.
One skin cell, one eyelash, one tiny inconsistency in your story, and you're gonna spend the rest of your life in prison. Everyone who loves you will leave, and you will die alone! And at that time, it will be your head that a bear has sex with!
Philip Davidson: [snorts] [laughing] I'm pretty sure you're going for angry, but in my mind, it just seems like when a Muppet gets upset and starts going like-
Jake: Oh, you want angry? I'll show you angry! [Jake throws a chair at the two-way mirror, it bounces back and knocks him down]

Captain Holt: There's one thing I still don't understand. Did you know you had the wrong murder weapon?
Jake: Ah, excellent question, sir. Yes. I spotted the missing dental award when I first took the case. I asked around weeks ago. Turns out a cleaning lady knocked it over and shattered it.
Captain Holt: Then why did you run in there like that?
Jake: Because in talking to you, I realized what Philip's worst fear actually was: that we would think he was just some dummy that got lucky.
Captain Holt: Right. He had planned the perfect crime. And it killed him when you said he was sloppy and impulsive.
Jake: He needed us to know how smart he was.
Captain Holt: Right. Like someone else I know.
Jake: Yup. Kevin.
Captain Holt: [snorts] [both laugh] I'm proud of you, Peralta.
Jake: Thank you, sir.

Rosa: I opened it. You passed.
Amy: [gasps] Oh, my God. I'm going to be a sergeant.
Jake: You're going to be a sergeant!
Captain Holt: Yes!
Amy: [doing her "dork dance"] Oh, no, it's happening. Whoo! Yeah!
Jake: That's my future wife! So...