Jake: When you should be thinking like a bird. This is Operation: Saving Private Pigeon. On my mark, I will turn on this fan, gently startling our bird due east, into the file box canyon, where he will encounter Charles holding two pot lids.
He'll bang them together, forcing Private Pigeon into the ceiling there and out of the ceiling there, where he will be greeted by scary Rosa holding a scary picture of an owl. Now he's playing our game. He'll veer left, into an upside down garbage can propped up by a hockey stick and connected to a string that Gina is holding. She pulls it, he is trapped, and Terry releases him outside.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry hates birds.
Jake: Okay, little friend. Let's get you home to mama. Oh, God. It flew right into the fan! It's everywhere! There's pigeon everywhere!

Amy: Sergeant Santiago, commander of the Nine-Nine's uniformed officers, reporting for duty. My first order as Sergeant, tell me I look dope.
Sergeant Jeffords: You look dope.

Amy: Anyway, our first order of business will be updating the filing system, so
Gary Jennings: We should use barcodes.
Amy: No, no, no, no. No need to jump in. I already have a system in mind.
Gary Jennings: Okay, well you just keep stopping, so I thought-
Amy: Uh, to pour water. Because I'm thirsty.
Gary Jennings: Got it. Great.
Amy: Now, let's get into the details of this with- Oh, my God! What, Gary?
Gary Jennings: You're spilling water everywhere.
Amy: Yes, I am. Because our first order of business is cleaning this floor.

Jake: So NutriBoom is a massive financial scam, right? If we can prove that, we could take down the whole company.
Charles: Oh, I don't know. Are you sure you wanna take them on? They're pretty scary. I mean, no one's seen the CEO's wife in years. People think she's been murdered.

Captain Holt: So how did your first briefing go, Sergeant? Did you give the squad a simple goal?
Amy: Mm-hmm. Revamping the filing system.
Captain Holt: Mm, smart. Sounds very easy.
Amy: Mm.
Captain Holt: I assume it's been a success?
Amy: Oh, yes. It's been all types of successes. Rousing, resounding, smashing.

Amy: Ugh, guys. Gary is killing my productivity. Terry, how did you used to deal with having an Amy?
Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't have to do anything. You've always been great.
Amy: Cut the crap, Terry. I'm drowning.
Sergeant Jeffords: Fine. When you got too difficult to deal with, I'd pull rank.
Amy: Did that work?
Sergeant Jeffords: No. Not even once.
Amy: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Jay Chandrasekhar: NutriBoom is a scam and a cult. They've ruined my life.
Charles: Really? You look so happy in the videos.
Jay Chandrasekhar: You'd pretend to be happy too if you knew what they did to me.
Jake: Testicular torture?
Jay Chandrasekhar: Yeah.
Jake: Ohh.

Charles: Look, we have reason to believe David Stovelman murdered his wife, Debbie.
Jay Chandrasekhar: Yeah, duh!
Jake: All right, Jay. Try to remain calm, here.
Jay Chandrasekhar: Sorry. I'm just so scarred.
Jake: Right, from the nard torture.

Jake: Look, we have evidence that could tie David to his wife's death, but we need your help to get to him.
Jay Chandrasekhar: Yeah, I'll do whatever you want. You have no idea how terrible they are.
Jake: Trust me, I do. They took ten grand from me.
Jay Chandrasekhar: Boo-hoo, they kidnapped my dog.
Jake: Okay, well, no need to compare stakes. Although I doubt your dog cost $10,000.
Jay Chandrasekhar: You can't put a price on life.
Jake: You're absolutely right. Thank you so much for your help, sir.

Jake: I'm going to the Feds, and you're going down. Also, can you tell us how to get out of here? This place is a real maze.

Sergeant Jeffords: Captain, if you wanted to be healthier, why not come to me? I'm ripped as hell.
Charles: Sarge, health is about flexibility and peace of mind and bone strength, not building vanity muscles.
Sergeant Jeffords: Vanity muscles? I use all of these.
Captain Holt: Really? Even the large neck ones?
Sergeant Jeffords: They help me sleep upright on airplanes!

Sergeant Jeffords: Terry can do yoga. Terry is a yoga beast. Watch. Give me a yoga to do.
Charles: Ah, well, we're in warrior pose now, but I suppose for you we can start in child's pose.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry is not a child! Terry is a warrior.

Gina: What you looking at? Did the Kanye West cannibalism story finally break?
Rosa: What? Is that a thing?
Gina: Yeah. He eats tiny little bites of people when he hugs them goodbye. I tipped off Page Six, I don't know why they're sitting on it.

Jake: So, what I actually meant was, we should probably talk about the whole handcuffs at the airport thing.
Kate Peralta: I know. I'm so sorry. That was a really bad first impression.
It's just, I was on the plane and started to get really nervous about meeting you for the first time.
Jake: I was nervous to meet you too. My butt got hella sweaty. I told Amy. You can ask her.
Amy: Please don't.

Kate Peralta: So I went to the bathroom and started vaping to calm down.
Then this weird-ass lady comes up to me, and I'm like, bitch, you're trying to tell me your kid doesn't like the smell of cotton candy?