The Vulture: Look, I know I've become that gross, sappy guy, but dude, she's the first chick I ever wanted to hang out with post-bang.

Jake: I think your feathers are ripping. Gobble.
Charles: Gobble.

Jake: I knew you'd say that, which is why we have this. A list of things they have in common. We can use it to grease the conversation.
Amy: Ooh, convo grease. This is perfect. Okay, our dads both golf. Our mom's both paint. All four of them have hair.
Jake: Yeah, but that's bottom of the barrel stuff. We're not gonna have to use that.

Victor Santiago: So nice to finally meet you. I'm Victor.
Camila Santiago: And I'm Camila.
Karen Peralta: Oh. And you brought a turkey?
Amy: Sure did. Even though I told her that you were making the turkey, and all she needed to bring was stuffing.
Camila Santiago: The stuffing's inside it and now we have two turkeys, just in case.
Karen Peralta: In case of what?
Amy: I don't know. [laughs awkwardly] Anyway, it was in the car when she picked me up. Isn't that fun?
Jake: The most fun.

Roger Peralta: Who wants to hear a joke?
Victor Santiago: Do you mean like a riddle? 'Cause I love riddles.
Roger Peralta: No, I mean like a joke joke, where I say it and you laugh.
Victor Santiago: No, then I'm not interested.

Captain Holt: Everybody has an alibi. How convenient. So I hope you're comfortable because I will keep you in here all day if necessary!
Officer: [knocks on door] We need the room to question someone - about the Red Hook homicide.
Captain Holt: Oh, no problem. We'll be right out.

Amy: I know. He's ruining the whole day.
Jake: [sighs] Yeah, but, you know, don't just blame my dad.
Amy: You literally just said he's the worst.
Jake: I know. It's okay when I say it. You have to pretend like he's cool. Those are the rules.

Victor Santiago: Hey, Roger, You like jokes. Here's one. I'd hate to be a passenger on one of your flights if you fly as slow as you cut a turkey.
Roger Peralta: Riddle me this, Victor. Who sucks at carving turkey, thinks their rum is good when it's bad?

Victor Santiago: Your mom and Camila are on the way. They're still cleaning up all the blood.
Jake: Yeah, there was so much. They might have to move.

Amy: Oh, Jake, it's happening. The weird but good dad hug.
Jake: Oh, it's magical. Best Thanksgiving ever. Yep, Dad, your gown's riding up.
Amy: Oh.
Jake: It's out. It's out.

Rosa: Okay, we have time for one more question.
Hitchcock: Oh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Rosa: Nope. Absolutely not. We're done.
Hitchcock: Smart. It was not tasteful.

Rosa: Hey. Was that weird earlier?
Jake: You mean when Charles showed us those pictures of Nikolaj taking a very sudsless bath? Yes, it was uncomfortable.

Jake: This is nice. I can't believe you're buying me dinner.
Rosa: Oh, well, you really helped me today.
Jake: Did I? I felt like I sorta straight-splained how to come out to you.

Gina: No, sorry, I can't. That's precinct business and, well, I've left that life behind.
Amy: But your maternity leave is over in two weeks.
Gina: Amy, volume, okay? [louder] Volume!

Charles: Guys, without Gina, we'll never be able to bend Cyber to our will.
So we need to change tactics. We need to woo them with the international language of friendship. Pork.