Captain Holt: Nobody's going to Staten Island.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, damn, I get it. I'll come to you.
Captain Holt: No, you're staying here at the Nine-Nine. I just talked to Madeline Wuntch. She's making a personnel change, which frees up some room in the budget.
Sergeant Jeffords: Really?
Rosa: What kind of personnel change?
Captain Holt: I told her that I'd only spent a month as a patrolman before I made detective. She said that's against regulations and has decided to rectify the situation.
Jake: Rectify it how?
[cut to Captain Holt signalling traffic in the middle of a busy intersection]

Amy: Sorry. Sorry I'm late.
Captain Holt: Why is Santiago here? We agreed to keep this secret.
Jake: Well, it's hard to keep secrets when you're married to an ace detective.
Amy: He told me as soon as he got home.
Jake: I did. I'm so excited about the Suicide Squad.

Madeline Wuntch: You don't trust me, I don't trust you. The mission is off.
Here's your bug back. It's not an actual bug, so don't eat it, you lizard.
Captain Holt: Ha! You didn't specify the subspecies of lizard. I won that round!

Jake: Terry, come on. We're still gonna see you all the time. I promise.
Sergeant Jeffords: You'll come visit me in Staten Island?
Jake: Yeah! Or, you know, you can come to Brooklyn. There's seven of us, one of you, but we can iron out the details later.

Jake: And this is rock bottom.
[On the other side of the two-way mirror:]
Madeline Wuntch: Oh, Raymond. This is sad. He's the one you think of like a son, right? Or are you closer to Santiago? Not that it matters. They're both equally going to prison.

Jake: So we'll make a hostage video, but I don't think we should do it here. It's too nice. Do we know anyone with, like, a real creepy basement?
[cut to:]
Hitchcock: Yeah, it's just got one exposed light bulb and a couple of spent mattresses.
Jake: "Spent"? Oh, yeah. That sounds perfect.

Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Leave me alone! Leave me alone!
Jake: What the [bleep]?
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: You'll never get me alive! Help! Help! Somebody call the police! Here, take her. Take her instead of me. No, don't hurt me.
Don't hurt me. Oh, it's you.
Jake: Yeah, it's us. Now, get in the van.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Oh, okay. Help!

Jake: Let's bring it in, huh? "Suicide Squad" on three. Ready? One, two-
The Vulture: I don't touch other dudes' hands.
Charles: Whose hand is sticky?
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: It might be me. I ate a popsicle earlier.
Captain Holt: It's probably Madeline. Cockroaches release a mucus-like secretion.
Madeline Wuntch: You would know about roaches, you roach.
Jake: And three! Suicide Squad!

Charles: I have an idea. So when my dad lost his flower shop, my Aunt Bruce-
Jake: Charles, we don't have time for a weird Boyle story right now. Just tell us your idea.
Charles: We make a scary hostage video where it looks like we're gonna kill C.J.
Jake: Ooh, I love that. Wait a minute. Your dad did that to save his flower shop? Was your aunt the hostage? What happened?
Charles: You said we didn't have time.
Jake: I didn't know it was the coolest story ever.
Charles: Oh, it is.
Jake: Well then, tell the whole thing and spare no detail.
Charles: Okay, so you know how Aunt Bruce can lactate on command?
Jake: Of course.
Amy: Guys.

Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Hey, could we stop and get a Slushee? It's just that you guys kinda made me drop it back there.
Amy: What the hell was that, C.J.?
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: I'm sorry! I didn't know it was you. You were supposed to be in gorilla masks.
Jake: Okay, so, let me get this straight. You thought that we were real kidnappers who showed up at the exact time that we planned a fake kidnapping?
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Exactly. You get it. He gets it.

Jake: We're gonna kidnap a cop. But not just any cop it needs to be someone so high-ranking that it sends shockwaves through the system, but not important enough that their absence negatively impacts the NYPD in any way.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Who you guys thinking?
Amy: We're clearly all looking at you.
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Oh, God. Am I in charge of the meeting? Dismissed. Dismissed.

Jake: Okay, one more take. Please stop saying, "Don't forget to like and subscribe."
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Sure, but how we gonna get followers on this thing then?

Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Oh, man. I can't believe this wild ride's over. We've changed so much. You know, when we started out, we were just Charles the jock, Amy the rebel, Captain Silly Pants, Talky-talky Rosa, Terry the stoner, and C.J. the ringleader.
Amy: I'm not sure you're nailing these.

Madeline Wuntch: There's John Kelly. Twirl me into him, and I'll place the bug. Hello, John.
John Kelly: Right on time, Madeline. Did Raymond buy it? Did he think you were bonding?
Madeline Wuntch: He was smiling at me like an idiot.
Captain Holt: You've betrayed us, you coffin cave mold beetle!

Jake: All right, this is pointless. C.J. will just tell everyone the truth.
The Vulture: No, he won't. I bought him off. All I gotta do is play "Madden" with him.
Jake: Come on, C.J.