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Quote from Amy in the episode Honeymoon

Captain Holt: What the hell is going on?
Jake: I can't let you quit.
Captain Holt: Yes, but why the candles and rose petals?
Jake: Wuh-oh.
Amy: Is that Mr. McClane I hear? 'Cause someone's about to Die Har- Oh, my God. Why is Captain Holt here?
Jake: Because he's gonna- Wait, are you dressed like Bonnie Bedelia in Die Hard?
Amy: I am.
Jake: For sexy reasons?
Amy: Yes.
Jake: Oh, boy.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Gintars

Dr. Ronald Yee: I'm sorry, Detective Diaz. I know it's upsetting when a hunch doesn't pan out.
Captain Holt: Well, it's over. The flies have it. Keep your eyes on the flies. Flies don't lie. Now, that's a good one. Oh, no, it's Santiago's. Damn it.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Suicide Squad

Captain Holt: Well, well, well. Commissioner.
Madeline Wuntch: Still not used to hearing that. Of course, I'm only acting commissioner until they choose someone permanent.
Captain Holt: Might well be you. After all, you brought down John Kelly. Wonder what he's doing now.
Madeline Wuntch: He's got a much higher-paying job in the private sector.
Captain Holt: Yes, the world is horrible.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Suicide Squad

Captain Holt: Nobody's going to Staten Island.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, damn, I get it. I'll come to you.
Captain Holt: No, you're staying here at the Nine-Nine. I just talked to Madeline Wuntch. She's making a personnel change, which frees up some room in the budget.
Sergeant Jeffords: Really?
Rosa: What kind of personnel change?
Captain Holt: I told her that I'd only spent a month as a patrolman before I made detective. She said that's against regulations and has decided to rectify the situation.
Jake: Rectify it how?
[cut to Captain Holt signalling traffic in the middle of a busy intersection]

Quote from Jake in the episode Suicide Squad

Jake: Terry, come on. We're still gonna see you all the time. I promise.
Sergeant Jeffords: You'll come visit me in Staten Island?
Jake: Yeah! Or, you know, you can come to Brooklyn. There's seven of us, one of you, but we can iron out the details later.

Quote from Charles in the episode Suicide Squad

Sergeant Jeffords: Could I have everyone's attention? I know it's my last day, and I've been in denial about it all week. And I still am. So, I'm giving this toast for no reason. Here's to nothing!
Jake: You okay there, Ter?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's just that, if I wasn't in denial, I would be so depressed right now at the thought of leaving all of you.
Rosa: Yeah, we'd be depressed too if anything was happening, which it isn't.
Amy: Right, and I'm not gonna say that no matter what precinct number is on your uniform, you will always be part of the Nine-Nine.
Sergeant Jeffords: It means so much to me you aren't saying that right now.
Charles: And I wanna say I'm not gonna miss you at all, you piece of crap. Good riddance.
Jake: Pretty sure you're misreading the game here, Charles.
Charles: Yeah. I see that now.

Quote from Jake in the episode Suicide Squad

Madeline Wuntch: [taking the photo] And done. We got it, Peralta.
Jake: Boom! Are they totally shocked? Is Kelly like, what just happened?
John Kelly: What just happened?
Madeline Wuntch: You've been had, John. You see, when you handed me your own locked phone just now to snap that photo, I cloned it to a secure network server.
Jake: When you handed Wuntch your locked phone-
Madeline Wuntch: Yeah, yeah. I already said that part.
Jake: Sorry. I can't see or hear anything. I'll just be quiet from now on. I might chime in with a, "Yeah!" here and there to stay in the mix.
Madeline Wuntch: Great.

Quote from Jake in the episode Suicide Squad

Captain Holt: When did you hatch this plan?
Madeline Wuntch: Peralta thought of it when I tried to quit the mission.
Jake: Hey, what's Holt's expression right now? Would you describe it as, proud daddy?
Madeline Wuntch: It's hard to tell. He's still piecing it together. This could take a while.
Captain Holt: Why didn't you just tell me what was actually happening?
Jake: I wanted to, sir, but it involved trusting Madeline Wuntch, and I just didn't think you could handle it. But I'm sorry that I lied to you. Sir? Sir? Oh, no. Is he mad? I can't see anything. Did he storm out?
Captain Holt: No, I stormed in! To tell you it was a great plan. Nice work, Peralta.
Jake: And there it is the proud daddy.

Quote from Madeline Wuntch in the episode Suicide Squad

Jake: And this is rock bottom.
[On the other side of the two-way mirror:]
Madeline Wuntch: Oh, Raymond. This is sad. He's the one you think of like a son, right? Or are you closer to Santiago? Not that it matters. They're both equally going to prison.

Quote from The Vulture in the episode Suicide Squad

Jake: All right, this is pointless. C.J. will just tell everyone the truth.
The Vulture: No, he won't. I bought him off. All I gotta do is play "Madden" with him.
Jake: Come on, C.J.

Quote from Jake in the episode Suicide Squad

Madeline Wuntch: The only way to get you to trust me is if you thought I was betraying Holt.
Jake: Yeah!
Madeline Wuntch: And now I have access to all your personal correspondence-
Jake: All right!
Madeline Wuntch: Including all stingray authorizations. It's over, Kelly. You're done.
John Kelly: Okay. You may have won this round, Madeline, but you're gonna live to regret it. You are both so gonna live to regret it.
Jake: I agree with what was just said.
Madeline Wuntch: Hey, Jake? I'm just gonna hold this down.
Jake: Yeah, sounds good.

Quote from Madeline Wuntch in the episode Suicide Squad

John Kelly: Oh, come on, Madeline. There's no need to gloat. Though, it does feel good. Gloaty, gloat, gloat.
Captain Holt: I knew I never should have trusted you.
Madeline Wuntch: Yes, obviously not, you dum-dum. John, you're gonna wanna remember this. Why don't you snap a photo of him?
John Kelly: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Madeline Wuntch: Why don't you get in there with him?
John Kelly: Oh, why the heck not? My kids just got me a digital picture frame.
Madeline Wuntch: All right, everybody say, "Nine-Nine."
John Kelly: Nine-Nine.
Madeline Wuntch: Mm. Raymond, I love the scowl, but could you slump your shoulders a bit more? Remember you're a man who just lost everything.

Quote from Charles in the episode Suicide Squad

Charles: I can't go to prison. I couldn't even get through the scary parts of the musical, "Chicago."

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Suicide Squad

Madeline Wuntch: There's John Kelly. Twirl me into him, and I'll place the bug. Hello, John.
John Kelly: Right on time, Madeline. Did Raymond buy it? Did he think you were bonding?
Madeline Wuntch: He was smiling at me like an idiot.
Captain Holt: You've betrayed us, you coffin cave mold beetle!

Quote from Captain C.J. Jason Stentley in the episode Suicide Squad

Jake: Okay, one more take. Please stop saying, "Don't forget to like and subscribe."
Captain C.J. Jason Stentley: Sure, but how we gonna get followers on this thing then?

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