Gina: Can't believe I just escaped death! I haven't felt this alive since I almost got killed by that bus.
Jake: I know, right? What a rush.

Jake: I want you to stay calm and just try to keep all of your blood inside your body.
Gina: Bitch, what do you think I'm doing?
Jake: Yeah, I don't know why I said that.

Jake: Do you wanna know why I won't take off my towel? It's because I'm embarrassed about what's underneath.
Gintars: Mutilated penis?
Jake: Ye...p. That is it. You guessed it on the first try. That's what's under there. The old- The old mute peen.
Gintars: I am so sorry about your penis.
Jake: It's a bummer.

Jake: This is bad.
Sergeant Jeffords: I know. He's been like that all day.
Jake: No, I was talking about your eyebrows. Whatever's going on up there is real, real bad.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, it's better than having two bug hotels above your eyes.
Jake: But wouldn't they also be in your goatee?
Sergeant Jeffords: Don't do this to me, Jake.

Charles: Hmm. We could live in Gruyere, the fondue capital of the world.

Rosa: Hey, why is Yee still here?
Sergeant Jeffords: Holt wants him to hand in his case report in person. I think he's trying to trick him into going to lunch with him.
[in his office:]
Captain Holt: Wait. It's noon? If I didn't know better, I'd say that was lunchtime.

Sergeant Jeffords: I hope they take that container of bugs with them when they go.
Rosa: Wait. The container's here? I have an idea. All I need is some blood.
Hitchcock: This is fresh.
Rosa: Oh. Terrible, yet perfect.

Captain Holt: Honestly, given the hole that you've put him in, he needs more expert help than I can provide. But, there is a boarding school in Switzerland that would be a perfect fit for him. He can enroll immediately.
Charles: In Switzerland? I'd never see him.
Captain Holt: Then uproot your life and move there with him. No one here would miss you.

Jake: Charles, can I tell you a story?
Charles: Always.
Jake: All right. When I was 10, my dad started dating this woman, Leeza. My mom hated her. But my dad wanted us to bond, so one day he took me and Leeza to the mall and dropped us off. She proceeds to steal a ton of blouses from Ann Taylor and then immediately makes me go back in and exchange them for store credit. Then, to celebrate, I get to pull Leeza's Cinnabon apart because her nails are too long and curly to do it herself.
Charles: Ugh.
Jake: Point being, nothing has ever made me love my own mother more than the time I spent with Leeza. Gintars is Leeza. You are my mom.
Charles: I can't believe I get to be Karen. What an honor!

Captain Holt: I thought if I played by the NYPD's rules and didn't make any waves, one day I would rise to a position where I could make meaningful change.
When they hired John Kelly, I realized I was wrong, and I thought I was out of options. But then you tied me to your bed, legs akimbo, and made me realize there was another way. I could not give a hoot.
Jake: Wow, the hoot thing is catching on. Didn't see that coming.

Jake: All right, here's the way I see it. We gotta break out the back entrance and get these people to the van. Okay, everyone, just follow my lead.
Scully: No, we got you into this mess. We'll get you out of it. Follow our lead.
Charles: There are armed men out there. We don't even have our bulletproof vests.
Scully: We can use the slut sauce.
Jake: That's insane. It's not even solid. The bullets will go right through it.
Scully: If you don't think the slut sauce is solid, then you might want to talk to my rock-hard arteries.
Hitchcock: We're doing this, and that's final. Scully, it's time to sauce up.

Sergeant Jeffords: All right, guys, this fanboy stuff is a little much.
Captain Holt: The only thing that's a little much over here are your scrawled-on eyebrows. Yeesh.
Sergeant Jeffords: Seriously? I thought they worked.
Rosa: They do if you wanna look like a mean drag queen.
Sergeant Jeffords: I knew I should have done a flatter arch. This is a nighttime look.

Dr. Ronald Yee: Well, the flies are not reacting. I can keep going, but I'll tell you now, it's very unlikely there are any traces of blood in here.
Rosa: Well, according to my timeline, this is the only place the murder could have happened.
Amy: Sorry, Rosa, looks like your timeline's wrong. Because the flies don't lie. You can use that if you want.
Captain Holt: He's not gonna use a cheeky slogan. He's a man of science.
Dr. Ronald Yee: I like it. The flies don't lie.

Captain Holt: Are you guys okay? Did you get hit?
Scully: No. It hit the tub, but the bullet didn't make it through.
Jake: The slut sauce it saved you.
Hitchcock: You bet your nips it did, skid mark.
Jake: Oh, Hitchcock. You suck, man.

Charles: I just don't want Nikolaj to see him again. I don't want him turning into a Gintars.
Jake: You have nothing to worry about. Nikolaj is already a mini Charles. He's an eight-year-old boy whose favorite movie is "Bullets Over Broadway".