Rosa: Hey. So you know how Alicia and I broke up because she moved to London, then we tried to make it work, but the distance was too much and we broke up again?
Charles: No. The last thing you told me about yourself was that you were bi.

Jake: Look, I get that you can't take any time off from work, but this is a loophole. It's still work. You know, we can hang out here and chat and catch up and laugh, and technically, we'll be doing our jobs. I call it a "casecation."
[singing] Casecation, all I ever wanted-
Amy: Ooh.
Jake: [singing] Casecation, had to get away

Jake: Okay, unlike Kooky Charles and Tearful Terry, I am healthy and don't need therapy.
Hitchcock: I hear that. I don't go to therapy either. Jake and I are like two penises in a pod.
Jake: Damn it, Hitchcock, we talked about this. It never helps when you back me up.

Gintars: It's gift for Nikolaj.
Charles: Nikolaj?
Jake: How do you know Charles's son?
Gintars: My name is Gintars. From Latvia. I am Nikolaj birth father.
Charles: Ohh! Nikolaj's birth father who I'd never hope to meet. Very cool. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, c-c-c-c-c [passes out]

Captain Holt: Ah, Boyle, there you are. I have a question for you.
Nikolaj: Daddy, wait up!
Captain Holt: Oh, your non-adult is at our place of work.

Jake: So, we gonna talk about what happened back there? I haven't seen someone cry that much since Charles heard they were remaking "First Wives Club."

David Santiago: Everything I've said before just now is a lie. I'm being framed. I've been investigating these dirty cops who are being paid off by the Brazilian mob.
Jake: Oh, Brazilian mobsters are so good-looking. They're just a bunch of Giseles, the women and the men.
David Santiago: Yes, it's insane. They're all gorgeous.

Charles: Wanted to see me, sir?
Captain Holt: Yes, I wanted to talk to you about Nikolaj. How long have you known he was a genius?
Charles: I mean, I always knew he was bright. I just never realized he was that smart.
Captain Holt: Well, there's no sugarcoating it. You're a terrible father.
Charles: What?!
Captain Holt: You've been asleep at the wheel, man! What have you done to cultivate his incredible mind?
Charles: I read to him every night.
Captain Holt: Shakespeare? Tolstoy?
Charles: No, nothing that advanced.
Captain Holt: Egads, are you reading him Dickens?
Charles: Yes?

Jake: Look, I haven't found anything, okay? Not a single email between Kelly and Gordon.
Captain Holt: So I whored myself out at that museum for nothing.
Jake: Not entirely for nothing. You know? We had fun. Sneaking around, bribing people, lying, stealing stuff.
Captain Holt: Coming home and having my husband ask me why I smelled like barrels?
Jake: Seriously? What did you say?
Captain Holt: I told him everything. He understood, until I showed him a picture of Gordon. The thought of me at a museum with that ten? He banished me to the guest room.

Charles: What do you think I should do?
Captain Holt: Let me tutor Nikolaj. Nothing too strenuous. Maybe some geometry, statistical mechanics, perhaps some Latin lyric poetry thrown in for fun.
Charles: Oh, I don't know. He's really booked.I guess I could cancel his cartooning class, but he really loves it.
Captain Holt: Don't do that. I hate to think of all the great cartoons humanity missed out on because Einstein was just too busy reinventing physics.
Charles: Okay, I'll cancel the class.
Captain Holt: I mean, who needs relativity when we could've had Einstein's take on lasagna-eating cats.
Charles: I said I'd cancel.
Captain Holt: Did he hate Mondays? We'll never know.
Charles: Okay, I'm going. I'm going!

Jake: Well, I'm very proud of you, and I also wish you had told me that before you went to the bathroom, because I really roasted your mom back there.
[cut to Jake at the table with David and Camila Santiago:]
Jake: And another thing, you should appreciate Amy more, because she's amazing.
And another thing, when you come to visit us, you don't have to bring your own coffee. Our coffee is fine. And another thing, I know enough Spanish to understand what idiota means! And another thing! When you say I have an "interesting nose," I know you mean big!
[present:]
Jake: I got lost in it. There were, like, 35 "another things."

Jake: Actually, scratch that. We're not gonna use ski masks. We'll use cool rubber masks.
Charles: Ooh, we should be the ladies of "The First Wives Club." I call Keaton.
Jake: We're not gonna do "First Wives Club" masks.
Charles: Just because you can't be Keaton? Grow up, Jake!
Jake: No, because they don't exist. And also, yeah, Keaton is clearly the coolest one and I don't think it's really fair that you just "called her."

Jake: Yeah, and your new shirt is very aggressive and confusing. Is the pineapple the slut, or is it calling someone else a slut?
Captain Holt: Clearly the pineapple is the slut.
Jake: Huh.

Amy: Okay, I've got something.
Jake: Oh. That's not Brandon's profile. It's mine.
Amy: I just want a quick peek at your attendance record. Zero absences. Oh, mama Printing this for later.
Jake: Keep it in your pants, Santiago.
Amy: Oh, that's exactly where it's going.

Amy: Whoa, Rosa! What happened?
Rosa: I touched poison oak. The doctor says I have to keep my hands bandaged for a week so I don't scratch them.
Amy: How did it happen?
Rosa: I was on a nature hike and I went off-trail to pick a pretty little flower.
Amy, Hitchcock & Scully: Aw.
Rosa: Shut up.