Sergeant Jeffords: From the morgue? Man, we are always getting into the craziest situations. If I were leaving this squad, I'd miss these moments, but I'm not, so I won't.
Jake: Okay, seriously. What's going on with him?
Rosa: It's a whole thing.
Jake: Is it gonna screw up the plan?
Rosa: It's more quietly self-destructive.
Jake: Sounds good. Terry, do you.

Charles: I can't go to prison. I couldn't even get through the scary parts of the musical, "Chicago."

Sergeant Jeffords: Everybody just relax. We're not gonna go to prison. It's all gonna work out in the end. Should we play Celebrity?
Rosa: Come on, man.
Jake: Yeah, come on, Terry. No one wants to play Celebrity, the best game ever made.

Jake: Look, you're not gonna get away with this. You were a part of the whole thing.
The Vulture: First of all, Jake, there's no records that you and I teamed up together because you insisted that we only communicate through a beeper.
Jake: Stupid beepers. We're right to be addicted to our phones.
The Vulture: Eyewitness saw you. The DNA's all over the scene. And I caught you red-handed making a hostage video. Your [bleep] is cooked.
Jake: That's not a saying. It's "goose."
The Vulture: Who cares about a goose? I'm talking about cooking a penis.

Jake: All right, this is pointless. C.J. will just tell everyone the truth.
The Vulture: No, he won't. I bought him off. All I gotta do is play "Madden" with him.
Jake: Come on, C.J.

Jake: Terry, come on. We're still gonna see you all the time. I promise.
Sergeant Jeffords: You'll come visit me in Staten Island?
Jake: Yeah! Or, you know, you can come to Brooklyn. There's seven of us, one of you, but we can iron out the details later.

Jake: Now they won't let him go just because I asked them to even though they arrested him just because I asked them to. It's a crazy system. I don't understand it.

Amy: Yes, that was a delicious lunch, Gary! And I agree, our group does seem happier than it was before.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, the pizza was that good?
Amy: Pizza? Right, that's what I said we were getting before we decided to uh-snazz it up.
Charles: Oh, you guys snazzed?
Amy: Yeah, we snazzed all the way to La Petite Creperie.
Hitchcock: I thought we couldn't say "snazz." Oh, no, I was thinking of [bleep]. We can't say [bleep]. Carry on.

Jake: Or do you mean Jake's favorite chew toy? [CHUCKLES] Well, thank God no one was around to hear that.

Jake: And it worked! I was finally cool, and becoming friends with the most popular kid in school: Brandon Bliss.
Rosa: Dope name; sounds hot.
Jake: He was hot, Rosa.
Gina: For the record, he could barely read.
Jake: He didn't have to read, Gina. He lost his virginity when he was 12 years old.
Gina: Which is horrifying.
Jake: But it wasn't back then! Back then, it was everything.

Jake: I've got a sweet job, and a super-smart, incredible wife. Tonight's gonna be awesome. Right, Gina?
Gina: Damn straight! DD-
Jake: C!
Gina: DD-
Jake: C!
Gina: DD-
Jake: C!

Rosa: She's leaving town for two weeks. I want to send flowers to her hotel room.
Jake: Aww, that's sweet. I wish Amy would send me flowers.

Sergeant Jeffords: We searched everywhere. No hacker.
Charles: Maybe he camouflaged himself. Maybe he's a real-life Peeta Mellark, out there - looking like a river rock.

Monica: Excuse me, is there ice yet?
Jake: Oh, I'm sorry. I don't work here. I'm a police officer.
Monica: Well, then I'd like to lodge a formal complaint. There hasn't been ice here for days and everyone knows my wine coolers are supposed to be served chilled.
Jake: You're an adult. Why are you drinking wine coolers?
Monica: Because I'm on vacation.
Jake: Okay. Well, I'll mention the ice.
Monica: Thanks. Pig.

Gintars: Before we do deal, we take off towel. It's full naked.
Jake: Ha.
Gintars: What are you waiting for? I want to see where your hair starts and stops.
Jake: [laughs] Gintars.
Gintars: Take it off now.