Charles: Oh, my God, he's beautiful. Oh, Jake, he's got your face.
Amy: Charles, meet Mac.
Jake: Short for McClane.
Charles: As in Shirley? I love it.
Jake: No, as in John, from Die Hard.
Charles: I mean, they're both incredibly cool. Only one Oscar winner.

Fireman Curt: Okay, Amy. I know you're in a lot of pain, but we don't have any meds here. You just gotta try not to focus on it. Can you distract her?
Rosa: I got this. Hey, Amy, they come out with any new binders recently?
Amy: I don't want to talk about binders, Rosa.
Rosa: All right, that was my big gun. She's just gonna feel this.

Amy: [groans, gasps] You made me a birthing suite?
Scully: We've been napping at work for 20 years. We know how to create a relaxing space in a police station.
Hitchcock: Gurney.
Scully: Fire blankets.
Hitchcock: Night stick for back massage.
Scully: Soothing lighting.
Hitchcock: AKA Scully's fart candles.
Rosa: I'm sorry I said you were worthless in an emergency. You two really came through.
Scully: It's just nice to have a win after what we went through today. So many deviled eggs were lost, and for what?
Hitchcock: Hey, hey, you can't focus on that. There were hundreds of meatballs that were eaten because of you!
Scully: I could've eaten more. Just one more!
Amy: Guys?
Hitchcock: Not now, Amy.

Amy: Thanks for getting Jake there in time.
Charles: Oh, don't thank me. The real hero is Lieutenant Peanut Butter.
Jake: No, it was all you, Charles. Or should I say... Uncle Charles.
Charles: Chee-Chee.
Jake: Don't ruin this moment for yourself.
Charles: Uncle Charles it is.

Jake: Well, we did it, Ames. We made the world's hottest baby.
Amy: Say cute, Jake.
Jake: Nope. This kid is liquid fire. Crazy to think that in just 17 short years he's gonna be 6'7" and the number one draft pick for the Knicks.
Amy: Aw, and that he's gonna pass up that opportunity to pursue his true passion... library sciences.
Jake: Well the important thing is, we'll support him no matter what.
Amy: Hmm.
Jake: Even if he's a huge, huge, nerd.
Amy: Especially then.

Amy: Captain, Lieutenant, the dance was great, and it really helped, thank you.
Jake: Dance? What dance?
Captain Holt: She doesn't know what she's talking about. Mommy brain much?
Sergeant Jeffords: Captain Holt and I did a hip-hop dance routine.
Jake: Oh. I see. You know what? I don't even care that I missed it, because right now, I am holding my son, and there's nothing more important in the world than that.
Rosa: I have a video, if you wanna see it.
Jake: Amy, hold this baby. Rosa, give me that phone. Give me that phone. Everyone wash your hands.

Rosa: How's he doing?
Amy: He's perfect. I see you changed.
Rosa: Oh yeah. That other outfit had a lot of afterbirth on it. Also during-birth and pre-birth. The point is I burned it.
Amy: Thanks for staying by my side. I know it wasn't easy for you.
Rosa: It was worth it. I'm Auntie Ro-Ro.
Charles: She gets to be Ro-Ro? Incredible. I've thrown seven years away for this.

Jake: [sighs] Are we gonna be okay at this? I mean, this entire day felt like a warning from the universe. I almost missed the birth, we had our baby at the precinct, a firefighter touched our child.
Amy: You washed him off?
Jake: Yeah, but I'll always know.
Amy: Babe, we talked about this. Everyone balances work and kids.
Jake: Yeah, but everyone's not a cop.
Amy: True, but... when our son wants to hear about the day he was born, we get to tell him that his dad helped a bunch of people and foiled a bank robbery.
Jake: Guess that was kind of cool. [laughs] And his mom managed a city-wide emergency while actually giving birth.
Amy: [sighs] I'm proud for our son to have you as a dad.
Jake: Me too. For you to be the mom. I wasn't just agreeing with the nice thing you said about me.
Amy: I love you.
Jake: Love you too.

Jake: [on the phone] You're giving birth at the precinct? Is that safe?
Amy: It's gonna be okay. There's a bunch of firefighters here.
Jake: Right, and they're basically just glorified EMTs that live together and sleep in bunk beds.

Jake: You know, now that I'm up here, I realize I don't know how to ride a horse. It's probably pretty self-explanatory, right? Yah! Oh, no! Move! Everyone move, I don't know how to ride a horse!

Amy: [answers phone] Jake?
Jake: Hey, Ames, I'm so sorry we're not there yet, but a guy fell down the stairs, and then the old lady shot a perp and then we stopped a bank robbery...
Kayla: And I lost my shoe.
Jake: And Kayla lost her shoe, but we're almost to the hospital. Are you there yet? What room are you in?
Amy: The break room.
Jake: What? Why?
Amy: There isn't enough time. I have to have the baby here.
Jake: But me and my crazy crew made it to the hospital. That's our birth story!
Amy: Screw your birth story, just get here!

Scully: Hey, Amy, can we have a second?
Amy: Oh, I'm kind of in the middle of something, you [long bleep]!
Hitchcock: Oh yeah? Well [bleep] yourself!

Jake: I'm gonna miss the birth of my son.
Charles: No, you're not. Look, I didn't want to have to do this, but there is someone I can call.
Jake: Who?
[later:]
Charles: Hello, Peanut Butter. I know we don't see eye-to-eye. But we gotta put that behind us because my friend here...
Jake: Charles, the horse was a great idea but we don't have time for you to have a heart-to-heart with it.
Charles: Sorry, I'm just very emotional, Jake. Take care of my friend, you four-legged bastard!

Captain Holt: Not necessarily. I was just checking to see if there was anything we could do to help. And I hate to say it, but I think there is.
Amy: Oh, you think he's gonna get me drugs from evidence?
Rosa: Uh, no. Something way weirder is happening.
Captain Holt: Hit it, Jeffords.
[Salt-N-Pepa's "Push It" plays as Captain Holt and Sergeant Jeffords dance in the interrogation room]

Jake: How am I going to get back to the precinct? This thing is way too slow.
Charles: Not if we all band together and pedal like hell.
Jake: It's not gonna happen, Charles. Dotty's asleep, Kayla's flirting with Luis, and Briana's peeing in a trash can. That's illegal, Briana.
Briana: Oh, you know you love it.