Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Santiago, nice work at checkpoint one. Wait, why are you guys being all weird again?
Amy: We're not being weird.
Sergeant Jeffords: Do not dab!
Amy: I wasn't going to.

Sergeant Jeffords: I know what's going on here.
Rosa: You do?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yep. You're talking about me. I know 'cause my daughters are doing the same thing. Every time I go in that room, they get all weird and quiet. That's 'cause they're making fun of Daddy. Is that what you're doing, making fun of Daddy?
Rosa: First off-
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah, I heard it, I'm sorry.

Rosa: Secondly, we're not talking about you.
Sergeant Jeffords: What are you talking about, then?
Amy: Our favorite porns.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Rosa: It's true. We have specific favorite porns. And we're talking about 'em.
Amy: Yeah.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, legally, I feel as though I need to back away. But I want it to be known that I still do not believe you. Get back to work!

Rosa: All right. Let's take this thing and get it over with.
Amy: I can't.
Rosa: What? Why?
Amy: I have no pee inside of me. I'm pee-free, Rosa! What do I do, what do I do?
Rosa: Drink water.
Amy: Oh, yeah. You're smart. You're a very good friend, I'm glad you're here.

Charles: Street's clear. No sign of the shooter, where'd he go?
Jake: Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Charles: Why are you shushing me?
Jake: I'm doing that thing where I listen really closely for a noise clue, like glass breaking or trash rustling.
Charles: Cool! Is it working?
Jake: No, not yet.
Charles: Because I'm talking?
Jake: Well, it's not helping.
Charles: Right, right, right. I'll be quiet.
Jake: You don't have to say you'll be quiet, just be quiet.
Charles: Okay. I'm sorry for not being quiet.
Jake: Once again, don't have to say.
Charles: Just wanna be clear what I'm doing.
Jake: Understood. I'm just gonna listen.
Charles: Okay. I'll be very quiet.
Jake: Don't have to say it.
Charles: Just wanna make sure you know what I'm doing.
Jake: Please stop.
Charles: So I don't throw you.
Jake: Okay, stop talking.
Charles: I'll stop talking.
Jake: Great.
Charles: I'll make sure I don't do that again.
Jake: All right, Charles, I love you, but you ruined it.

Jake: Nice, Charles!
Charles: Name's not Charles, it's Boyhunter.
Jake: You know what, you earned it. Way to get your boy, Boyhunter!

Captain Holt: Detective Peralta! I see you got the man you were looking for.
Jake: With your help, officer! I really couldn't have done it without you.
Captain Holt: No, this was all you. We were in a completely wrong location.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Which was a huge relief to me. Plus, we got a lot of steps in. I'm drowning in foot-fives.
Jake: Well, no need to focus on who was where or what a foot-five is.

Jake: We gotta start brainstorming headlines for tomorrow's paper.
Charles: I got one. "The Only Assassin in this City is Jake Peralta Because He Just Killed This Case."
Jake: I don't know if we want to make it seem like I'm the assassin.
Charles: Yeah, good thinking.
Jake: How about this, "Hero Cop Saves City, "Pitt, Clooney Circling To Play Him In Biopic."

Captain Holt: I have a headline. "Pitt, Clooney Laugh At Jake Peralta For Arresting the Wrong Man."
Jake: Well, I don't know if they would laugh at me for saving what, did you just say I got the wrong man?

Jake: What do you mean we got the wrong man? What are you talking about?
Captain Holt: You know how you sent Debbie and me off on a wild goose chase?
Jake: Oh, so you figured that out?
Captain Holt: Well, Debbie did. She's quite the detective.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Oh, I'm really not. I'm just always being given meaningless tasks and I'm not complaining.

Jake: So what, you're just saying we have the wrong guy now, because you're upset about the fake lead?
Captain Holt: No, I'm saying you have the wrong guy because you do. When I realized your lead was nothing but hooey, I went back to re-interview the hot dog man, but he was gone. And why was that? Debbie, tell 'em!
Officer Debbie Fogle: Oh, no, I don't want to be a part of this.
Captain Holt: Because the hot dog man is the shooter.
Charles: What? That seems like a reach.
Captain Holt: Sometimes, when you reach, you grab the truth.
Charles: Sorry, Jake, he turned it around on me.
Jake: Come on!
Captain Holt: The hot dog man gave a false statement to throw us off the scent and then vanished while we were off looking for the wrong guy. Face it, you're no Manhunter. If anything, you're a Wrong Manhunter.

Captain Holt: I told you to treat me like any uniformed officer. It's not my fault that you don't know how to give an order!
Jake: Okay, fine. Here's one. We're lifting the lockdown, go pick up cones.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Ooh, I love cone duty!
Captain Holt: Debbie, can it! We have the wrong guy. You cannot lift the lockdown.
Jake: Go pick up cones, that's an order.
Captain Holt: No!
Jake: Fine, then you're off the case!
Captain Holt: Good.
Officer Debbie Fogle: Do I still get to pick up cones?
Both: No!

Rosa: Amy, stop. You've had enough water. I can hear it sloshing around inside you.
Amy: I know, but I still can't pee! I'm too stressed.
Rosa: You need to calm down. You know what helps me relax?
Amy: Kicking stuff?
Rosa: Absolutely. So, what or who do you wanna kick? That guy looks pretty kickable. Hey!

Amy: I'm not kicking anybody, okay? I just need, like, some calming noises.
Rosa: Okay, close your eyes.
Amy: Okay.
Rosa: Glub, glub, glub.
Amy: What is that?
Rosa: It's a babbling brook. Glub, glub, glub.
Amy: You know what? It's pretty good.
Rosa: Thank you. Everybody, shut up! Glub, glub, glub, glub, glub, glub.

Sergeant Jeffords: Why is the tent so quiet? Is everybody talking about me now?
Rosa: Nobody is talking about you.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sure. Terry walks into a tent and everybody just happens to stop talking at the same damn time? You are gaslighting me just like my daughters!
Amy: Terry, I think you're being paranoid.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm not paranoid! I put a recording device in my girls' room.
Amy: You planted a bug in your daughters' room?
Sergeant Jeffords: I do what I have to do. They said I look like a giant triangle!
Rosa: Is that an insult?
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't know! But they were laughing like it was, and it hurt just the same! Don't have kids!