Frank: I think the Professor's actually a cop. Something tells me I should check that drive. There's a laptop in the front seat. Get it. If these files aren't the real deal, you and the dog are dead.
Jake: Oh, no need to worry. Because everything is on the level and will be completely fine. [hits Frank with the laptop] Cheddar, go! Go, boy!
Frank: Hey cop.
Jake: Would you like to buy a laptop?

Amy: Hey, so, given the fact that you haven't slept in forever, I feel like I should drive you home.
Rosa: I'm not going home. I'm going out.
Amy: What? Really? What is your life?
Rosa: It's pretty good actually.
Amy: Huh.

Jake: So what's your plan here, Kingston? You gonna torture me? You gonna put my beard back on and rip it off again?
Frank: No, I'm gonna cut off each one of your fingers until you tell me who the rat is.
Jake: I see. Well that's bad news, because I don't know who the rat is, and I need all my fingers if I'm gonna beat Wario.
Frank: You can't beat Wario?
Jake: You can? How do you do it?
Frank: It's simple. When he's approaching, you just tap the...

Sergeant Jeffords: And those of you patrolling 7th Avenue, please be aware of the new pedal pubs. They're bike-powered mobile bars that are very popular with bachelorette parties. But unfortunately they have led to a dramatic increase in the rarely seen case of female public urination.
Rosa: Resist.

Jake: Uh, what was that?
Charles: Wow, all of Brooklyn lost power.
Jake: You know, I've always kind of liked blackouts. Listen to how quiet it is. It's so peaceful. [gunshots, wheels screeching] Nope, it immediately turned into a purge. Way to go, New York. All right, let's suit up!

Sergeant Jeffords: Hello? Anyone? We're stuck in the elevator!
Captain Holt: Can't you yell any louder? Use those big strong lungs you're always flexing.
Sergeant Jeffords: These are my pecs.
Captain Holt: So this is all just for show then. It has no functional purpose.
Sergeant Jeffords: I mean, I am pretty strong.
Captain Holt: Good, then rip those doors open.
Sergeant Jeffords: I can't do that.
Captain Holt: Oh, well at least you haven't dedicated a significant portion of your life to looking like this.

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, calm down, I have an idea. When my parents would fight and my dad got scary, I would take my little brother upstairs and to distract him, I'd teach him dance moves.
Captain Holt: What kind of dance moves?
Sergeant Jeffords: Mostly '80s hip-hop. He loved Salt-N-Pepa.
Captain Holt: No, I won't be doing that. [elevator rumbles] Salt and pepper, you say?

Charles: Okay, okay, you take the perp back to the precinct. I'll stay here with her.
Jake: Are you sure?
Charles: Just remember to tell your son what Chee-Chee did here tonight.
Jake: How you feeling about Chee-Chee having said it out loud a few times?
Charles: I am loving it!

Rosa: So, listen, I've been timing your contractions.
Amy: What? How? I've been hiding them so well.
Rosa: No, you have not.
[flashback:]
Amy: There's too much radio chatter. Let's try to keep non-emergency communications down to a... [groaning, snaps clipboard] .. minimum.

Rosa: They're happening every five minutes and they're lasting 20 seconds. Your baby's coming.
Amy: It's still not active labor. Don't worry! I'm not gonna have the baby here and get placenta all over your desk or whatever it is that you're afraid of.
Rosa: Wait, is placenta something that can get all over?
Amy: Actually, technically...
Rosa: You know what, don't answer that, I don't wanna know.

Jake: What happened?
Russ: She shot me! She shot me in the leg.
Dotty: You made a sudden motion.
Russ: I sneezed!
Jake: Okay, Dotty, what do you have a gun for?
Dotty: To protect myself. Cops are all wimps now. [mockingly] My wife is having a baby and I have to be there to brush her hair.
Jake: I wasn't gonna brush her hair.
Charles: You weren't?

Amy: Status update: I called in every officer I could. I green-lit double shifts and overtime. We're coordinating with the 9-6 on traffic control. We haven't processed anyone, so there's a backlog of perps on the third floor, and I have to go to the hospital because my water broke.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're having a baby? Amy, this is so wond...
Amy: [screams]
Sergeant Jeffords: We can just catch up after the baby comes.
Amy: [exhales]

Amy: [answers phone] Jake?
Jake: Hey, Ames, I'm so sorry we're not there yet, but a guy fell down the stairs, and then the old lady shot a perp and then we stopped a bank robbery...
Kayla: And I lost my shoe.
Jake: And Kayla lost her shoe, but we're almost to the hospital. Are you there yet? What room are you in?
Amy: The break room.
Jake: What? Why?
Amy: There isn't enough time. I have to have the baby here.
Jake: But me and my crazy crew made it to the hospital. That's our birth story!
Amy: Screw your birth story, just get here!

Jake: How am I going to get back to the precinct? This thing is way too slow.
Charles: Not if we all band together and pedal like hell.
Jake: It's not gonna happen, Charles. Dotty's asleep, Kayla's flirting with Luis, and Briana's peeing in a trash can. That's illegal, Briana.
Briana: Oh, you know you love it.

Jake: I'm gonna miss the birth of my son.
Charles: No, you're not. Look, I didn't want to have to do this, but there is someone I can call.
Jake: Who?
[later:]
Charles: Hello, Peanut Butter. I know we don't see eye-to-eye. But we gotta put that behind us because my friend here...
Jake: Charles, the horse was a great idea but we don't have time for you to have a heart-to-heart with it.
Charles: Sorry, I'm just very emotional, Jake. Take care of my friend, you four-legged bastard!