Amy: That worked so well. On to phase two. Thanks for doing that, Teddy. I'm really glad that we could be friends again.
Teddy: Of course. I'll always be here for you. Which is why I have a question to ask.
Amy: Oh, no.
Teddy: Amy Santiago, will you marry...
Amy: No! I am married to Jake.
Teddy: And I'm married to Elizabeth. It's perfect. Plus, you just betrayed him. You guys are obviously having issues.
Amy: No, I only betrayed him to pull off my secret plan. I am throwing him the perfect goodbye and it has to be a surprise.
Teddy: Fine. But if you think I'm just gonna sit around and wait for you change your mind... you're right. I will be parked outside for two more hours.

Jake: When did you have time to build all this?
Amy: Oh, I had it prefabbed months ago, and I set it up while you were looking for Charles.
Jake: You planted the resignation letter in my locker so Charles would find it.
Amy: Yep. And then I knew you'd wanna show off the fireworks. The fireworks that I sold you.
Jake: You're Kristaps?
Amy: [Ukrainian: "Of course I'm Kristaps."]
Jake: Gah, I got to stop falling for that.

[about a year later:]
Sergeant Jeffords: Now that that's been sorted, are there any questions?
Jake: Yes! I have a question! Captain Jeffords, are you ready for the Halloween Heist?
Sergeant Jeffords: What are you doing, Peralta? Last year was the final heist. We all agreed it was over.
Jake: Ah, Terry, you jolly simpleton. That was obviously a ruse. I mean, did you really think I was gonna let Hitchcock win the last heist? I mean, that would be crazy! Hitchcock? It would've been unforgiveable.
Hitchcock: That's true, it felt wrong.
Captain Holt: I know someone who's in. The old janitor, which is actually me! Deputy Commissioner Raymond Holt.
Amy: And he's not the only one. I'm in too.
Rosa: Me too.
Gina: As am I. Gina Linetti.
Jake: That's right, Terry, this is happening every year. We're in each other's lives forever, whether you like it or not. So, what do you say, Captain? Are we doing this?
Sergeant Jeffords: What I say is... Nine-Nine!
All: Nine-Nine!

Hitchcock: I missed you, bud.
Scully: I missed you too. [they hug]
Hitchcock: [sniffs] Mmm. You got wing sauce on your collar.
Scully: I left it there for you.

Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, wait, wait, did you say your goodbye to the Nine-Nine? Where you going?
Jake: Uh, well, I was hoping that this would be a more dramatic moment accompanied by fireworks but... I'm leaving the NYPD.
Captain Holt: You are?
Rosa: What?
Gina: Theriouthly?
Sergeant Jeffords: For real?
Jake: Yeah. Today was my last day. And now it looks like it's gonna end with all of us locked in a storage facility.

Jake: The plan was lure everyone to the Brooklyn Bridge and give you all gifts. So, here's yours.
Charles: Oh!
Jake: The dummy tubes just unscrew.
Charles: Okay. The most recent issue of Fancy Brudgom magazine?
Jake: You know how you always wanted them to do a Fancy Bedste Venner feature on us?
Charles: Yeah, but that's just for the fanciest best friends.
Jake: Turn to page 63.
Charles: Oh, my God, you didn't. You did! We're Fancy Bedste Venners!
Jake: We're Fancy Bedste Venners!
Both: We're Fancy Bedste Venners!

Amy: You're cutting me out? This is about you wanting fireworks, isn't it?
Jake: Oh, Amy, it's about so much more than that.
[later:]
Jake: It's one million percent just about the fireworks.
Charles: Those look very dangerous.
Jake: No, it'll be fine. We're not gonna be anywhere near when it goes off. You control the whole thing from your phone.
Charles: How do you know when it's armed?
Jake: The red light starts blinking.
Charles: Like that one?
Jake: Uh-oh, uh, uh... you know what? This is okay, this is okay. I can just turn it off using the app. "Set up your profile first?" Why? How many times am I gonna use a fireworks app?
Charles: It started counting down!
Jake: Name, email. "Select the squares with stop signs in them?"
Charles: Okay, Jake, we gotta go!
Jake: Is a stop light a stop sign? Charles, is a stop light a stop sign?
Charles: I don't know, they both require full stops! Jake, come on!
Jake: All right, I'm in. No, "username already taken?" Who would want to use "Jake?" [countdown beeping] Oh, no.

Jake: Amy, Amy, we've got a problem. Charles found out I was leaving somehow and he got so upset that he ran away. I don't know where he went and he's not answering his phone.
Amy: Don't you have a tracker implanted in his brain or something?
Jake: Amy, I would never do that. It's a serious medical procedure. Which is why I had a doctor do it eight years ago when they were operating on the bullet wounds in Charles' butt.
Amy: Smart, stick it in his butt holes.
Jake: Oh, I was expecting more judgment from you. And definitely a different phrasing.

Captain Holt: But wait, if that's not Terry's bars, what's in the real tube? Wireless headphones?
Amy: They're AirPods. They're my gift for everyone.
Jake: What? But you told me not to get people AirPods! You said everyone already has headphones!
Amy: Yeah, so you wouldn't buy them and I would get all the glory.
Scully: Wow. Great gift, Amy.
Jake: Come on!

Jake: But wait, if everything was fake, what knocked me out?
[flashback:]
Jake: [timer beeping rapidly] Oh, no. [Jake passes out when Amy holds a rag over his mouth]
Charles: What are you doing?
Amy: I know, Charles, but there's something I have to tell you, okay? [holds rag over Charles' mouth]
[present:]
Amy: I locked Charles in a supply closet.
Jake: I have but two things to say to you. One: thank you. I've always wanted to be chloroformed. And, two: how dare you?
Amy: Sorry, babe. But I play to win. [drops key]
Jake: Gah! That was super cool. I hate how attracted I am to you right now!

Jake: Hey, great news, the perfect goodbye is back on and we have a new teammate.
Amy: Really? What even is "our team?" Because I know you gave me a dummy tube.
Jake: Ah, and did you find what was inside of it?
Amy: Yeah, an egg.
Jake: And do you know why I gave you an egg?
Amy: 'Cause eggs suck and you're still mad about that one time I beat you at Mario Kart?
Jake: It was beginner's luck! Just... open it.
Amy: A necklace with a little binder on it?
Jake: It has three tiny tabs. One for me, one for you, and one for Mac.
Amy: Aw! It really bothers me that they're not alphabetical but I assume that it's functional and I can correct them?
Jake: It is and you can.
Amy: Then I love it and I'll treasure it forever. Now tell me where the real tube is, you bastard!

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, I've made a terrible mistake. I am sorry about your pictures and your award and your computer...
Deputy Chief Williams: And yelling that I was wearing a wig and then trying to tear out my actual hair?
Sergeant Jeffords: No, that was a compliment! It's so thick and full for a man of your age.
Deputy Chief Williams: What?
Captain Holt: Let me handle this. The truth is, Lieutenant Jeffords acted like an irresponsible, insane madman.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Deputy Chief Williams: Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Captain Holt: But looking at this incident from a different angle, it shows why he'll make a great captain. He's here before you owning his mistake. When I started at the Nine-Nine, I felt I had to be seen as infallible. But he taught me the importance of being seen as human. He made me a better leader. And you would be a fool not to make him a captain.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry's touched.
Deputy Chief Williams: Yes, powerful words. As are these: happy heisting, suckas!
Both: What?
Deputy Chief Williams: Oh, you were right, this was a wig. [rips off wig] Ow. [exits]
Both: No!

Rosa: Hey, can I talk to you? I have a question.
Amy: Is it will I ever forgive you for betraying me and abandoning me in a car?
Rosa: No, I have no questions about that interaction. It was funny and I'm pleased with how it played out. This isn't about the heist. What did you think about, um, me and Pimento as a couple?
Amy: Oh, uh, I don't know. You guys always made me a little uncomfortable. There weren't a lot of boundaries.
Rosa: Is this about that time we smashed in your car?
Amy: You did? Which car?
Rosa: All of them. And once in your dad's Miata.

Captain Holt: You want to know if it's real? Open your gift and find out.
Sergeant Jeffords: A bag of fish?
Captain Holt: What? No. It's supposed to be your captain's bars.
Jake: The fish are my present to Scully. They're the kind that eat the dead skin off your feet.
Scully: Ooh, they're gonna have a feast tonight.

Sergeant Jeffords: Can't you see? You all want the same thing, a perfect goodbye. But you're all getting in each other's way. We are the Nine-Nine, and we work best together. And we're getting out of here together. So we're gonna find that tube and we're gonna be crowned Grand Champions of the Nine-Nine together!
Caroline Saint-Jacques Renard: Except for the ugly one that made fun of my cello.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not now, Caroline Saint-Jacques Renard.
Captain Holt: I agree with Jeffords. Read the room, Caroline Saint-Jacques Renard.
Rosa: Great speech, Terry, but we're kind of trapped in here.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not for long. I'm gonna Kool-Aid Man us the hell out of here.
Jake: I thought you said that was impossible.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's not, I just find it demeaning. It's actually very easy.
Jake: Ah!
Sergeant Jeffords: [crashing] Oh, yeah!
Jake: Oh, yes! Now go through that wall!
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm not doing any more walls, Jake, we're free.
Jake: Fair enough, I had to ask.