Season 8 Quotes Page 2 of 31

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Quote from Captain Holt in the episode The Last Day (Part 1)

Rosa: Well, looks like it's gonna be a sprint out of the elevator.
Captain Holt: This is unfortunate. I didn't want to have to reveal it this early.
Jake: Reveal what this early?
Captain Holt: My most precious secret. My tattoo!
[As the elevator doors open, Captain Holt steps out, bends down and lowers his trousers]
Jake: [gasps] What am I looking at?
Amy: Is that what I think it is?
Jake: Kevin's human head on Cheddar's dog body?
Captain Holt: I asked for a tattoo of Kevin and Cheddar. I don't know why he combined them.
Jake: It's... it's...
Captain Holt: It's the ultimate distraction. [elevator doors start to close]
Jake: No, wait, wait!

Quote from Jake in the episode The Set Up

Captain Holt: Peralta, we need to talk.
Jake: I know. You're not mad. You're just disappointed.
Captain Holt: I'm actually both mad and disappointed.
Jake: What? You can't be both! You are either Mad Dad or Sad Dad... pick a lane.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode The Lake House

Jake: What did Kevin say? Is everything okay?
Captain Holt: No. We just had a knock-down, drag-out fight.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: My calendar had the Lake House as free.
Kevin: Strange. Mine had it as unoccupied.
Captain Holt: Well, it seems we're at an impasse.
Kevin: I would call it more of a deadlock.
[present:]
Captain Holt: He gets in such good zingers.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Renewal

Justice of the Peace: We are gathered here to affirm the marriage of Raymond Holt and Kevin Cozner.
Kevin: We don't have to do this. Everyone who's not family has already gone home, and we need to hurry.
Captain Holt: No, this is important. Kevin Cozner... when we first got married, I thought of it primarily as a legal contract, which is why I memorized the entire federal tax code 301.7701-18, definitions pertaining to marriage.
Jake: And yet he can't remember Mac's name.
Captain Holt: But I finally learned what marriage really is. It's not something you can memorize or an equation you can solve for. It's the feeling you get when you look in your partner's eyes. And that feeling is all that matters. Which is why I will now purge tax code 301.7701-18 from my memory so that I will have room to remember this moment forever. It's done.
Kevin: Oh, Raymond.
Justice of the Peace: Raymond Holt, do you promise to continue to live in this marriage for richer or poorer, through sickness and in health as long as you two both shall live?
Captain Holt: I do. And, Kevin...
Kevin: Yes, yes, we're still married. We really have to go.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode The Set Up

Jake: So you agree it was a setup. I have your unbridled support?
Captain Holt: My support is extremely bridled. You have circumstantial evidence at best.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords in the episode Balancing

Scully: Sure, I'll watch Mac. Don't worry, I've padded all the sharp edges in here.
Jake: Wow. You already baby-proofed it?
Scully: Ah, it's my nap room. You can take a nap anywhere in here. Every surface is like a bed.
Both: Huh.
Jake: Works for us.

Quote from Charles in the episode PB & J

Charles: Oh, my God. I'm too late. You're already seduced by Doug Judy's wiles.
Jake: Okay, I appreciate the concern, but Doug has changed. This was an old crime, and he's already owned up to it. He's not trying to escape.
Charles: He's already out of his handcuffs.
Jake: Just so we can do our sweet-ass outfit change.
Doug Judy: Tigers and toucans!
Jake: Tigers and toucans!
Charles: Obviously, they're fantastic, but Jake, by trusting him, you're putting your job on the line, which means you're also putting my job on the line.
Jake: How so?
Charles: Because if you get fired, I will swim out into the ocean until I'm too tired to swim back and I will sink to the bottom and then I won't have a job.
Jake: Oh, my God.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode The Last Day (Part 2)

Captain Holt: So, you're leaving. That must've been a hard decision.
Jake: Honestly... [looks at Amy] It wasn't.
Captain Holt: It's funny. On my first day here, I asked Jeffords to tell me about everyone. He told me you were a great detective, but the one thing you couldn't figure out was how to grow up. Well... I think you've finally figured it out.
Jake: Well, thank you, sir. I couldn't have done it without you.
Captain Holt: Over the years, you've sometimes referred to me as something of a father figure.
Jake: Did I? I didn't realize that.
Captain Holt: But I want you to know if I had had a son and, uh, he had turned out like you, I would be very proud of him.
Jake: Thank you, sir. Wow. Wasn't expecting to get this emotional.
Captain Holt: It's not bad for an old robot, huh? Beep-borp. Zeep.
Jake: [chuckles] Sir, did you just make a joke?
Captain Holt: I believe I did, yes. I guess in the end, we rubbed off on each other quite a bit. Title of your sex movie. Did I do that right?
Jake: It was perfect. [both chuckle softly]

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords in the episode The Last Day (Part 1)

Sergeant Jeffords: You made me meet with a fake person just so you could trick me into sitting out the heist? That interview was important! It's my shot to become captain! I bought fancy new suspenders for this, with gold thread! I can't return them because I've already stretched them out with my pecs. They've been pec-stretched!

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Balancing

Rosa: Hey, did Kevin seem weird to you when we told him we were only there for that book?
Captain Holt: You think he didn't believe us?
Rosa: No, he seemed sad. I think he was disappointed that you were there for the book and not for him. Maybe you should let him know you've been missing him.
Captain Holt: Huh, well, it might be worth a shot.
Rosa: What did you just do?
Captain Holt: I texted him a picture of my penis, like you suggested.
Rosa: No. Ugh! I meant for you to call him and tell him you've been thinking about him.
Captain Holt: Why didn't you say that?
Rosa: I thought it was understood.
Captain Holt: Hold on. He's writing back.
Rosa: Well, what did he say?
Captain Holt: It's a link to a graph. It's a scatter plot with a very robust data set. Well... [chuckles] That escalated quickly.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Blue Flu

Captain Holt: I won't give in to any of their demands. The union is powerful, but I'm sure that most of our uniformed officers understand this incident is nonsense. It is, as Peralta would say, "No big 'whoop.'"
Jake: I appreciate the shout-out, sir, but I actually don't pronounce the H in whoop.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, all the uniformed officers just left. They're staging a walkout.
Charles: Well, it seems I was wrong. The "whoop" is big after all.
Jake: It is. Again, though, there's no H in whoop. It's silent.
Captain Holt: "Whoop."
Jake: Whoop.
Captain Holt: "Whoop."
Jake: Am I crazy? How do you say it?
Charles: I say "whoop."
Jake: Okay.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords in the episode The Good Ones

Sergeant Jeffords: Amy, he's your captain. You act like it's some romantic relationship.
Amy: You know what, Terry? You're right. It is like a romantic relationship.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's what you got from what I said?
Amy: Do you still have that relationship book from when you and Sharon were having issues?
Sergeant Jeffords: That book was about sex. And it's actually Scully's. But I bet Scully also ordered some relationship books when Scully got himself that sex book for Scully.
Amy: Just own the sex book thing.
Sergeant Jeffords: You want my help or not?
Amy: Fine. Can you please get Scully's relationship book that is obviously not yours?
Sergeant Jeffords: Weird that you're asking me to do it, but okay. I'll see what I can do.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Blue Flu

Captain Holt: I'm a realist. I knew I wouldn't be able to fix every problem, though I always imagined I could fix some of them. But as a realist, I can now see I haven't fixed a damn thing. The NYPD will never change.
Charles: Sir, if I may... when I thought I was dying, all I could think about was what a disappointment my life had been. But then Jake went to town with me.
Jake: Common friendship phrase.
Charles: And it helped me realize you can't focus on the things you didn't do. Focus on what you did do. And, more importantly, focus on who you did it with.
Captain Holt: Boyle, you're absolutely right.
Charles: I am? My speech turned your life around?
Captain Holt: No, I found it trite and uninspiring, but something you said resonated. Focus on the things you didn't do.
Charles: I said not to focus on the things you didn't do.
Captain Holt: Again, your speech meant nothing. I'm just picking out individual words.
Charles: Sure, sure, yeah. [snaps fingers] Hot damn. I know how to end the Blue Flu. I found a fifth prong.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords in the episode The Last Day (Part 2)

Sergeant Jeffords: Can't you see? You all want the same thing, a perfect goodbye. But you're all getting in each other's way. We are the Nine-Nine, and we work best together. And we're getting out of here together. So we're gonna find that tube and we're gonna be crowned Grand Champions of the Nine-Nine together!
Caroline Saint-Jacques Renard: Except for the ugly one that made fun of my cello.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not now, Caroline Saint-Jacques Renard.
Captain Holt: I agree with Jeffords. Read the room, Caroline Saint-Jacques Renard.
Rosa: Great speech, Terry, but we're kind of trapped in here.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not for long. I'm gonna Kool-Aid Man us the hell out of here.
Jake: I thought you said that was impossible.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's not, I just find it demeaning. It's actually very easy.
Jake: Ah!
Sergeant Jeffords: [crashing] Oh, yeah!
Jake: Oh, yes! Now go through that wall!
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm not doing any more walls, Jake, we're free.
Jake: Fair enough, I had to ask.

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode Renewal

Captain Holt: I'm gonna check those CompStat numbers right now. I'm just gonna click on this video link entitled "Handyman fixes squeaky door, [bleep] customer."
Jake: Oh, my God.

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