Guest Stars: Archie Panjabi as Lieutenant Singh, Jon Daly as Brian Applebaum, Beth Hoyt as Margaret Dozerman, Dean Winters as The Vulture, Jeff Marlow as Dixon Carfunk, Tim Powell as Chief Garmin, Neil Rodriguez as Officer Chiccub
Writers: Luke Del Tredici
Director: Claire Scanlon
Sergeant Jeffords: Now, anyone seen Captain Holt? He seemed a little down when he came in.
Gina: Yeah, he let me choose the music on the way over here, which leads me to believe he's given up on life.
Sergeant Jeffords: Now, be respectful and grieve your asses off.
Scully: I don't know why this is happening.
Sergeant Jeffords: Scully, I love it. Everyone follow his lead!
Sergeant Jeffords: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, sir. You didn't even stop and sniff the bouquet. You always sniff the bouquet.
Holt: Maybe the old Holt did.
But the new Holt chugs Beaujolais from a Burgundy glass without a care. Oh, it's a Sauternes glass.
Look, the alcohol has rendered me a simpleton.
Holt: And now for a message of hope.
Jake: Ah, a message of hope, right on time.
Holt: Everything is garbage.
Jake: Oh, no.
Holt: You find something you care about, and it's taken from you your colleague, your dream job, your mango yogurt.
Sergeant Jeffords: Whoo!
Holt: Never love anything.
That's the lesson.
To Captain Dozerman.
Jake: God, he is the worst captain we've ever had. He drew boobies on my bullet-proof vest.
Sergeant Jeffords and the squad's new captain, the Vulture, address the squad in the briefing room. Terry tells them to be on good behavior at the funeral for their former captain, Seth Dozerman. When the Vulture dismisses the squad so he can go follow a Dubai horse race he gambled on, Jake and the squad talk about how much they hate their new captain. Not to worry, Jake has a plan to get the Vulture off their backs: by going "Full Douche" and befriending him.
In Full Douche mode, Jake goes to the Vulture's office to strike up a friendship with his new boss. After Jake's attempts to "bro down" with the Vulture fall flat, the Captain reveals that he knows all about Jake's plan courtesy of a day-old "butt dial" from Scully, who still hasn't hung up the phone. Realizing there's a mutiny in the ranks, the Vulture tries to split Jake and Amy up by ordering him to dump her, or else he'll demote Jake to a beat cop.
As Captain Holt and Gina ride the elevator to the Nine-Nine bull-pen for the first time since they left the precinct, Gina is expecting a rapturous response while Holt is keen not to disrupt their important work. When the elevator doors open, none of the regulars are there to see Holt and Gina. Meanwhile, Jake talks to Amy in the records room, filling her in on the Vulture's plan. Amy initially suggests they should lie to him and just say they're broken up, but Jake helps her see she wouldn't be able to lie to her captain. When they remember that Captain Holt is visiting the precinct, they decide to ask him to step in and tell the Vulture to back off.
Gina goes to the break room and tells Charles and Rosa how much she misses them. Finding the world of PR boring, Gina asks for some Nine-Nine drama. Charles explains that he hooked up with a woman at another funeral and they're in a very casual relationship - so casual, in fact, that they don't even know each other's names. Rosa thinks this is out of character for Charles.
When Holt visits his old office, he finds it strange to be standing on the other side of the desk. After The Vulture shows Holt all the "improvements" he's made to the office, Sergeant Jeffords comes to the office with something for the Captain to sign. Terry is surprised to see Holt and wants to give him a hug, but the Vulture suggests that would fall foul of sexual harrassment guidelines. Holt tells the Vulture how he'll be seated near the front at Dozerman's funeral, in view of the cameras. While the Vulture works out in a bid to improve his physique for the cameras, Holt tries to make a suggestion on how to run the precinct. The Vulture discourtesly rejects Holt's suggestions and fiercley reminds him he's no longer in charge of the precinct.
Outside the building, Jake and Amy stop Captain Holt in an attempt to ask him to help them out with the Vulture. With Holt's lacerations from the Vulture still fresh, he refuses to help, reminding them he is no longer in charge of the precinct.
At the funeral, Sergeant Jeffords coaches the squad on how to act. Even though they didn't like Dozerman, they need to look sad. After his un-pep talk, Sergeant Jeffords leaves to find Captain Holt, whom he noticed was looking sad earlier. Jake and Amy talk about their new plan to defeat the Vulture, by recording him admitting his inappropriate order to Jake and playing this back for the Chief of Detectives, who is attending the funeral.
After Gina tells Charles his "jump-off" is there, she and Rosa are quickly disgusted by Boyle's interaction with a woman he knows nothing about. After his fling invites him back to a motel for sex, Rosa and Gina insists it is not like Charles to be having sex with a total stranger. Meanwhile, Sergeant Jeffords finds Captain Holt drowning his sorrows in a bar across the street. Holt admits that he thought he would one day return to the Nine-Nine as captain, but his encounter with the Vulture this morning dashed that dream. Holt mentions that he has been tasked with giving a toast after the funeral, but he's struggling to find anything to say. For old times' sake, he invites Sergeant Jeffords to stay and have a drink. One drink later, Terry is dancing all over the joint.
Outside the church, Jake sets his phone to record and then goes to talk to the Vulture in an attempt to get him to admit his inappropriate order on tape. A bagpiper who is practicing for the funeral repeatedly interrupts as the Vulture admits the truth. After Jake gets into it with the inconsiderate bagpiper, the Vulture leaves the conversation and walks by Amy, telling her all about his order to Jake. Amy manages to get the Vulture's confession on tape.
Back inside the church, Jake and Amy look for the Chief Garmin to tell him about their boss. When they spot the Chief of Detectives in a closed off area of the church, Jake bluffs his way in, claiming to be a fishing friend of the late Seth Dozerman. When they are stopped by Dozerman's widow, Jake builds on the lie by telling her he was the one who planned the fishing trips. She is furious with Jake for inviting all the prostitutes along.
In a nearby motel, Boyle asks to slow things down as he and his lover get busy. Boyle starts asking for more information about her, even though he claims not to be interested. Things seem to be going well as they share some personal information, but soon Boyle is making a scene in the church, furious that he was about to sleep with a gluten-free vegan.
Back at the bar, Captain Holt and Sergeant Jeffords complain about their lives. Sergeant Jeffords is unhappy with his new boss, the Vulture. Meanwhile, Mrs. Dozerman is still angry at Jake, blaming him for arranging the prostitutes that nearly ruined her marriage. When Jake tries to come clean and admit he wasn't a close friend of her late husband, he reveals himself to be the Jake that killed Captain Dozerman by triggering his genetic heart condition. After Mrs. Dozerman asks Jake to leave, Chief Garmin calms her down. Jake and Amy try get Garmin's attention, but the Vulture overhears them saying they have audio evidence of him acting inappropriately. The Vulture takes Amy phone and tells Jake he's demoted to a beat cop.
At the bar, Jake and Amy talk about their predicament. Amy thinks their six-day-old relationship has already cost them too much, so it might be time to give up. Amy doesn't want to be responsible for Jake losing his dream job. Captain Holt stands to deliver a message of hope, but his toast about life being garbage fails to inspire Amy. Jake decides to offer a counter-toast for Dozerman with a thinly disguised message for Amy, insisting he will not give up on their relationship. Finally, Sergeant Jeffords delivers a toast about his discontinued mango yogurt.
Jake goes back to the precinct to find Amy. After she says she loved his speech, Jake says he doesn't want to break up or get demoted, but he's out of plans. Captain Holt arrives and says he will save Jake's ass. After being inspired by Jake's speech, Captain Holt vows he will do anything for the Nine-Nine. Holt explains that he offered the Vulture a place for his face on the NYPD website, in exchange for him not demoting Jake or trying to break him and Amy up.
Still at the bar, Gina and Rosa talk to Charles, who is trying to drunk so he can knowingly sex with a vegan. When they wonder why he wants to be "like a modern man" and think with his junk, Boyle admits that his previous serious relationships all left him devastated when they ended. When Rosa asks him which relationships made him happiest before they ended, Boyle realizes it was the same serious relationships that devastated him. Boyle comes to accept that he should look for someone he can be emotionally connected to, admitting he is ready for love.