Brooklyn Nine-Nine Quote 9487

Quote from Captain Holt in the episode The Honeypot

Jake: Hey there, Captain. Oh, is this your new assistant?
John Urblan: John Urblan. Nice to meet ya.
Captain Holt: And John Urblan has just been fired.
Jake: What?
John Urblan: I have?
Captain Holt: Meet "ya"? You just abbreviated a one-syllable word.
John Urblan: Is this for real?
Captain Holt: Yes. Now clean out your "des." I removed the K so you'd understand how absurd "ya" sound.
Jake: Oh, boy. Sorry, John Urblan. Bye.

 Captain Holt Quotes

Quote from the episode Ding Dong

Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Quote from the episode Payback

Amy: Captain, how are you feeling?
Captain Holt: Better today. I even managed to eat some plain toast this morning.
Amy: Smart. Something bland.
Captain Holt: That's my favorite breakfast.

Quote from the episode Payback

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets for the case. Plan our next move. Grab some chow.
Captain Holt: No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have original no flavor, and whole wheat no flavor.

 ‘The Honeypot’ Quotes

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: I'm so sorry, sir. This is all my fault. Operation: Double Dragon was a debacle.
Captain Holt: Yes, it was. If only someone had thought to plan a backup operation.
Jake: Did you do something cool?
Captain Holt: I did something very cool. While I was banished to the guest room, I flipped across one of those Thomas Cruise films on Home Box Office, and I realized something. On a spy mission, there's always another twist.
John Kelly: What are you saying?
Captain Holt: I'm saying I knew you would triple-cross our double-cross, so I planted a microphone in the napkin holder. There's one in the flowerpot. Ketchup, mustard. There are mics in both.
Jake: Where?
Captain Holt: In the tips.
Jake: Oh, this is so great. Where else are there mics?
Captain Holt: Nowhere.
Jake: Oh.
Captain Holt: But there are cameras! There's a camera, there's a camera, and there's a camera. I've got you on tape, Kelly. You're screwed. The only thing that's gonna be on your desk in the morning is a list of my demands. Operation: Triple Dragon is complete.
Jake: You named it.
Captain Holt: Not only did I name it, Triple Dragon is an acronym. Two Righteous Individuals Performing Law Enforcement Directives Rapidly Against Gordon Our Nemesis. Triple Dragon!
Jake: This is the best thing that's ever happened!

Quote from Captain Holt

Gordon Lundt: The plan was for me to weaken your defenses with my brazen sexuality.
Jake: I wouldn't say "brazen" so much as "completely undetectable."
Gordon Lundt: I couldn't have been more obvious. I wore a single Windsor knot. I might as well have a sign around my neck that reads "DTF."
Captain Holt: "Desiring Thorough Fornication."
Jake: Nope.
Gordon Lundt: Exactly.
Jake: Oh.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Okay, sir, I am cloning the hard drive. You should only have to distract him for three hours? Good Lord. Do you think that you can talk about barrels for three hours?
Captain Holt: Watch me. Ah, Gordon, take a gander at this brine barrel from 1787. It looks to me like the work of master hooper Josiah Wooldruff, who learned the craft from his father Jesiah Wooldruff, who in turn learned it from his.
Jake: I'm already so bored.
[later:]
Captain Holt: The slats are not flat. They're curved. The base of the barrel is approximately 20- Every barrel is inspected before usage. The key is that the oak was cured and shaped by Josiah's cousin Joshua, who was a cooper and not a hooper.
Jake: Wait, are you still at the same barrel? Please move on to another one. There are so many barrels in there.
Captain Holt: You know what? Let's look at that barrel.
Jake: Oh, thank God.
Captain Holt: It's a brine barrel as well. It was also made in the 1780s. In fact, it's identical to the last barrel. Let's review why that's interesting.
Jake: No!

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