301 - New Captain Aired September 27, 2015

New Captain

With Captain Holt transferred to the NYPD PR department, the squad struggles to adjust to life under their new captain. Meanwhile, Jake and Amy confront their new relationship state after their first real kiss.

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Guest Stars: Bill Hader as Captain Seth Dozerman, Kyra Sedgwick as Madeline Wuntch, Dean Winters as The Vulture, Andrew Patrick Ralston as Bryce, Phil Augusta Jackson as Trent

Writers: Matt Murray

Director: Michael Schur

Available on iTunesAvailable on Amazon.com

Episode Quotes

Madeline Wuntch: Sticks and stones, Raymond.
Captain Holt: Describing your breakfast?

Captain Holt: So nice of you to greet us, Madeline. I thought surely you'd still be crushed under that house in Munchkinland.

Madeline Wuntch: Trent, Brice, where are we with the name?
Trent: We've narrowed it down to two choices. Petey or Paulie.
Gina: With all due respect, that Pigeon is clearly a Ray-Jay.
Hi, Gina Linetti, the human form of the 100 Emoji.

Gina: Captain? The kids want to know where Paulie the Pigeon is. I told them he got sucked up into an airplane engine, is that all right?

Gina: This man is a Timberlake and you need to stop treating him like a Fatone.

Recap

As the squad wait for the new captain, Seth Dozerman emerges from the elevator. Their new captain has no time for names, only numbers. His simple motto is efficiency, efficiency, efficiency. He is quickly agitated and is soon yelling at the squad, telling them they will have to work harder than they have ever worked before. In the midst of his outburst, he clutches his chest and collapses to the ground having a heart attack.

When Jake goes to the copy room to see Amy, he tells her the new Captain is fine. Dozerman's heart attack isn't even the weirdest thing to happen at the precinct today, since he and Amy kissed just three hours ago. As they talk through their new relationship, they both agree that they like each other, but they're not sure they want to tell anybody or put a label on their relationship just yet. Amy and Jake agree to keep it light and breezy with a comprehensive set of rules, including no sex. Sergeant Jeffords arrives and tells them to go to the briefing room.

At One Police Plaza, Holt and Gina arrive for their first day on the new job. Madeline Wuntch is there to greet them and gloat in Holt's downfall. After they trade barbs, Holt tells Wuntch it will take more than a reassignment to crush his spirit. He intends to do meaningful work in the PR department. Wuntch says there will be no new projects until they finish what the team are already working on: the naming of a pigeon mascot.

In the Nine-Nine's briefing room, Dozerman explains that he did not have a heart attack. Instead, the doctors found a genetic issue that has significantly shortened his life expectancy. As a result of his brush with death, he intends to be stricter than ever. The squad are all given their own "Dozer-pad", which will track them every moment of the day to make sure they are on schedule with their work. When Dozerman leaves, Rosa complains to Sergeant Jeffords, but he's keen to keep the precinct on top form and tells Rosa to follows Dozerman's orders.

When Boyle walks by Jake's desk, he notices that Jake's looking at reviews for a fancy French restaurant. Boyle wonders if Jake is taking Amy on a date since they just kissed on their mission, but the pair deny that. When Jake explains he's taking a woman he met at the gym, Boyle is insistent that Jake and Amy should get together.

Jake and Amy go on their date to the restaurant. When they both realize they're awkward and nervous, they decide to get drunk to calm their nerves. Later that night, Jake and Amy are in bed together, having broken one of their rules.

At work the next day, Boyle quizzes Jake on his date with the gym floozy. Boyle is unhappy to deduce that Jake is getting serious for the woman, since it would stop him getting together with Amy. Amy says she isn't bothered as she would never date Jake. Sergeant Jeffords goes to Jake to tell him that Captain Dozerman wants to see him.

In Dozerman's office, he is unhappy to have seen on his Dozerpads that four of Jake's colleagues have been gathered around his desk for the last ninety seconds. Jake tells the new Captain that he was actually wanting to get more work done but his co-workers just want to talk about his personal life. Jake says his true love is efficiency. Dozerman tells Jake that he likes him and knew they were one and the same from the moment he walked in. The Captain sends out a Dozerblast to tell the squad to get back to work.

At One Police Plaza, Captain Holt tries to talk to his team about his plans for community engagement, but Madeline Wuntch refuses to let him do that until they finally pick a name for the pigeon mascot. Captain Holt refuses to waste his time on such a trivial matter, but Wuntch eventually wears him down.

Jake goes to see Amy in the evidence lock-up room. Jake tells her they're in the clear as he just convinced Dozerman to outlaw personal talk at work, lowering the chances their secret relationship will get out. With the pair happy they broke rule 3 and had sex, they look for another rule to break. Amy convinces Jake they should make out at work.

Back in the bull-pen, Sergeant Jeffords hears a strange noise coming from near Rosa's desk. When he looks in the ceiling panel above her, he finds her Dozerpad hidden away. Meanwhile, Captain Dozerman goes to the evidence room after noticing that Jake and Amy have been in there a long time. When he finds them close to each other, he instantly realizes they were making out. Dozerman tells them he will stop them being together for as long as he is captain. As he rants at them, Captain Dozerman has a big heart attack.

Back in the bull-pen, the late Captain Dozerman is wheeled out in a body bag. Jake and Amy tell Sergeant Jeffords that nothing happened in the evidence room that would have got Dozerman riled up. When Sergeant Jeffords asks them to pull the surveillance tapes, Jake and Amy come clean and admit they were making out. Boyle is over the moon that they're together, but Sergeant Jeffords fears it is not conducive to a good workplace environment. Rosa and Boyle leave to watch the surveillance tapes for themselves.

Gina goes to Holt's new office to tell him Wuntch is there to see him. Holt asks Wuntch to call a truce since their feud is getting in the way of the NYPD's business, with Holt feeling his talents are being wasted. Wuntch agrees, telling Holt he's the perfect person to wear the pigeon costume.

At his desk, Terry is being warned by his Dozerpad that he's behind schedule. Rosa wonders why the Sergeant is paying attention to that now the guy is dead. Sergeant Jeffords explains he wants to keep the precinct running well since they have no idea what the next guy will be like. Meanwhile, Jake and Amy talk in the break room. Jake thinks things are okay since everybody found out about their relationship and nothing bad happened, but Amy isn't so sure. She points out that Terry yelled at them and Dozerman is dead. Perhaps the world is telling them they shouldn't be together.

In Jake's apartment, Boyle coaches Jake on his relationship. Boyle says they both ruined their relationship from the start by having one foot out the door. Boyle tells Jake to go over to Amy and tell her how he feels. As Jake opens the door to leave, Amy is there. She asks if they should screw just being colleagues, and screw being light and breezy. Jake agrees completely.

Gina finds Holt in his pigeon costume in the bathrooms at an elementary school, where kids are waiting for him to address them. Holt refuses to put the pigeon head on, telling Gina that Wuntch has finally defeated him. Gina gives Holt a pep talk, saying she didn't follow him to the NYPD's PR department to watch him quit. Gina convinces Captain Holt to give his speech on community engagement to the class of second graders.

In the Nine-Nine's briefing room, Rosa shows Sergeant Jeffords how she's six hours ahead of schedule on her Dozerpad. She didn't do it for Dozerman, she did it because it's her job. Rosa then destroys the pad. As Terry leads a briefing, telling the squad there's a rumor their new Captain is about to arrive, The Vulture walks into the briefing and introduces himself as their new CO.