Jake: Today, we learned that Pappy Boyle's death was not foul play. But even though there was no murder, there was a robbery. Charles had his sense of self stolen from him by Sam Boyle. [all gasp] You said it yourself, Charles, the Boyles have a long history of cousin-on-cousin jealousy. Sam couldn't stand that you were chosen to give the eulogy. Think about it. It was Sam who made sure we knew the will was missing.
[slow-motion flashback:]
Sam Boyle: We can't find Pappy's will.
Jake: [v.o.] Then Sam again who suggested you all get your DNA tested.
[slow-motion flashback:]
Sam Boyle: Why not take a hair from every Boyle?
Jake: [v.o.] And finally, Sam who made sure we all knew the results.
[slow-motion flashback:]
Sam Boyle: Did you get the DNA report back?
[present:]
Sam Boyle: This is ridiculous. I love Charles.
Jake: Okay, well then. I'm sure you wouldn't mind giving him a hug then. Since you love him so much.
Sam Boyle: Sure. I always like to hug my cousin.
Tommy Boyle: He's gushing! [all gasp]
Sam Boyle: Darn it. I thought these would hide it, but I gushed through my pit diapers. All right, fine. I always suspected that Charles wasn't one of us. I mean, he went through puberty at 13, instead of 25, like a normal Boyle. And when he got chosen to give the eulogy, something inside of me snapped. So I hid the will. I admit it. Are you happy now?
Jake: Very.
Charles: Not at all.
Jake: Wait, what? Charles, we solved the case. He confessed.
Charles: Doesn't matter. I'm still not a Boyle. I'm just a normal person. Normal from snout to anus.