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Quote from the episode Into the Woods

Boyle: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Boyle: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Boyle: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Boyle: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Boyle: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Boyle: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Quote from the episode USPIS

Jake: Rosa has every right to be angry. I didn't listen to her and I messed up her task force. The only way to make this up to her is to do the worst, most awful thing imaginable.
Charles: Dip your penis in vinegar.
Jake: What? No! Why would you say that?
Charles: In Sunday school they said the Babylonians did that to their enemies. I've been terrified ever since.

Quote from the episode The Bet

Charles: Truth time. We love your husband. He's a great cop. We will do anything to protect him. And you have incredibly attractive hands.
And you! What are you doing, lying to your wife? Unless you want to end up moving into my ex-wife's new boyfriend's basement with me, you better man up. Don't you ever keep anything from this beautiful woman again.
Seriously, you are beautiful. If he ever lies to you again, you can call me.

Quote from the episode The Road Trip

Charles: What you did is the culinary equivalent of unprotected sex.

Quote from the episode The Mole

Gina: Damn it, Charles. This is a crisis. Step one: termination. You and I will never touch again.
Charles: Damn! If I had know it was our last time, I would have moaned more.

Quote from the episode The Ebony Falcon

Charles: He is so strong but so gentle. He's like an enormous, muscular Ellen DeGeneres.

Quote from the episode Boyle-Linetti Wedding

Jake: Guys, guess who I'm about to see.
Boyle: The Boobs? Michael Buble?
Jake: You're the only one who calls him that.

Quote from the episode Lockdown

Charles: Okay, but I thought since you were in charge, maybe I could be your right hand man? Your Tinker Bell?
Rosa: Tinker Bell?
Charles: Let me tell you something about Tinker Bell. Tinker Bell is a loyal lieutenant and a real thorn in the side of Captain Hook.

Quote from the episode The Bet

Jake: Okay, Boyle, you live in your ex-wife's new boyfriend's basement. I'm not taking advice from you.
Charles: I'm ashamed of my living situation!

Quote from the episode The Ebony Falcon

Charles: The boss at the academy, he invented a new weight class for me. You're looking at the undisputed bubble-weight champion.

Quote from the episode The Ebony Falcon

Jake: Yes! The Ebony Falcon soars again.
Charles: The Ebony Falcon. His feathers are muscles.

Quote from the episode The Wednesday Incident

Boyle: Yeah, I might buy my shoes at a kids store and yeah, I might be scared of geese, but I am a damn good cop and I will not be made a fool of. So I am gonna go into that room and I'm gonna get that lousy, old geezer to admit on camera that he robbed those banks.

Quote from the episode The Wednesday Incident

Boyle: I thought he was faking it. I wanted to splash the lies out of him.

Quote from the episode Captain Peralta

Charles: He should already think you're great. Like with my dad. He doesn't need me to prove to him that Jake Peralta's the best cop in the precinct, he knows it.

Quote from the episode The Chopper

Jake: Okay, just so we're clear, from this point forward, my call sign will be Death Blade.
Boyle: And I'll be Rum-tum-tugger.
Jake: No, Boyle, no characters from Cats. Dig deep. Think of something scary.
Boyle: Adolf Hitler.
Jake: No! You will be Sidewinder.
Boyle: All right, but I'm more scared of Hitler.

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