Sergeant Jeffords: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Charles: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Charles: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Charles: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Charles: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Charles: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Charles: Hey, Rosa, are you ready to go streaking?
Rosa: What?
Charles: That's what my dad and I called getting blonde streaks in your hair. We used to do it to our ponytails on road trips. You just take a little lemon up top, and let the sun do the rest. We called it giving each other road head.
Rosa: You just said you called it going streaking.
Charles: It had a couple names.

Sergeant Jeffords: Boyle! Were you dreaming about Jake again?
Charles: Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up!

Charles: Are you blackmailing me? I don't have any money, Hitchcock. I'm still paying my uncle's funeral bills. I rear-ended the hearse. It was a mess.

Jake: Boyle, why don't you show Danger what a fax machine is.
Charles: Okay. Imagine a letter had unprotected sex with a phone.

Charles: What about me? What if something happens to Jake, and he never gets to meet my baby? I don't want to hang out with some stupid baby who's never met Jake.

Charles: Okay, but I thought since you were in charge, maybe I could be your right hand man? Your Tinker Bell?
Rosa: Tinker Bell?
Charles: Let me tell you something about Tinker Bell. Tinker Bell is a loyal lieutenant and a real thorn in the side of Captain Hook.

Charles: Do you desire a crispen potato?
Jake: Oh, don't mind if I do-ble. Wait a minute. Crispen potato. Why are you fancy talking.
Charles: How dare you, sir. I speak the common tongue.
Jake: There it is again. You only do that when you're lying or hiding something.
Charles: Hiding? Ha. Pish-posh.

Charles: I want to send someone into holding, undercover as a perp, to see if they can get him to open up.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why don't you do it? You're always going on about your acting abilities and that time you played Annie.
Charles: I'm an adult man, Sarge. I didn't play Annie. I was in "Annie." I played Miss Hannigan.

Jake: Well, let's bust out the polygraph.
Charles: Lie detector truth or dare.
Jake: No. Boyle, last time we did that, you ended up telling everyone you had a crush on the tea pot from Beauty and the Beast.
Charles: It's the way they drew her.

Charles: Jake, do you know why little boys pull little girls' pigtails on playgrounds?
Jake: Because they're so easy to grab, they're just begging to be pulled.
Charles: Because they like the girls and that's the only way they know how to get their attention.
Jake: What are you saying?
Charles: All of this teasing. This elaborate date. Somewhere deep down, you like Amy. Like like her like her.

Charles: Okay, first of all, Rosa, you look amazing. Secondly, I made an appointment at the salon with Nikki, for you, under the name Gabriella Fuentes de San Miguel Estrada. I had fun with the name.
Rosa: Clearly.

Charles: It looks like the perp knew what he was after. All he took was a shipment of thousand-dollar limited edition Weezies designed by Little Wayne.
Jake: Oh, it's Lil.
Charles: Oh, like Lillian.
Jake: No.
Charles: Lillian Wayne.

Charles: Thing is, it's so hard to talk at work because there's no privacy. The roof is freezing, the holding cell is full of perps, and their romantic advice is not great. It's always to tell Vivian, "bitch, get your life right!" I tried it. She did not like it.