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Quote from the episode Into the Woods

Boyle: Is the equipment secure?
Jake: Check.
Boyle: Weapon loaded?
Jake: Check.
Boyle: Did you have breakfast?
Jake: What? That's not on the checklist.
Boyle: I added it because I care about you.
Jake: No, I did not have breakfast.
Boyle: Unacceptable. Look in your pocket.
Jake: Hey, there's little chocolate chips in this.
Boyle: Yeah, I'm not an idiot. I know how to trick my best friend into eating his fiber.

Quote from the episode 99

Charles: Hey, Rosa, are you ready to go streaking?
Rosa: What?
Charles: That's what my dad and I called getting blonde streaks in your hair. We used to do it to our ponytails on road trips. You just take a little lemon up top, and let the sun do the rest. We called it giving each other road head.
Rosa: You just said you called it going streaking.
Charles: It had a couple names.

Quote from the episode Cheddar

Charles: Okay, the key with dogs is establishing the alpha. Cheddah, dwop it. Pwease dwop it. I'll give you anything you want.
Jake: Oh, Cheddar is the alpha. Didn't expect that.

Quote from the episode The Chopper

Jake: Okay, just so we're clear, from this point forward, my call sign will be Death Blade.
Boyle: And I'll be Rum-tum-tugger.
Jake: No, Boyle, no characters from Cats. Dig deep. Think of something scary.
Boyle: Adolf Hitler.
Jake: No! You will be Sidewinder.
Boyle: All right, but I'm more scared of Hitler.

Quote from the episode Lockdown

Charles: Okay, but I thought since you were in charge, maybe I could be your right hand man? Your Tinker Bell?
Rosa: Tinker Bell?
Charles: Let me tell you something about Tinker Bell. Tinker Bell is a loyal lieutenant and a real thorn in the side of Captain Hook.

Quote from the episode Captain Peralta

Charles: He should already think you're great. Like with my dad. He doesn't need me to prove to him that Jake Peralta's the best cop in the precinct, he knows it.

Quote from the episode Undercover

Charles: Oh, you're right. I'm gonna tell him. It might not be today. It might not be tomorrow. It definitely won't be later than tomorrow. So pretty much today or tomorrow then.

Quote from the episode The Jimmy Jab Games

Charles: Are you blackmailing me? I don't have any money, Hitchcock. I'm still paying my uncle's funeral bills. I rear-ended the hearse. It was a mess.

Quote from the episode Greg and Larry

Charles: What about me? What if something happens to Jake, and he never gets to meet my baby? I don't want to hang out with some stupid baby who's never met Jake.

Quote from the episode Karen Peralta

Attorney: How do we know those were drugs? Please back that tape up.
Charles: No! Objection!
Judge: On what grounds?
Charles: That's my penis?
Judge: Overruled.

Quote from the episode Operation Broken Feather

Terry: So we have good news, and we have bad news.
Charles: My Nana always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

Quote from the episode Pilot

Gina: She's got a type, which is really any one but you.
Boyle: Yeah, that was my ex-wife's type, too.

Quote from the episode Chocolate Milk

Boyle: My ears are burning. Did someone say vasectomy? I got snipped. No big deal. Just numbs you out from trunk to skunk for a year.

Quote from the episode USPIS

Jake: Boyle, why don't you show Danger what a fax machine is.
Charles: Okay. Imagine a letter had unprotected sex with a phone.

Quote from the episode AC/DC

Boyle: Do you desire a crispen potato?
Jake: Oh, don't mind if I do-ble. Wait a minute. Crispen potato. Why are you fancy talking.
Boyle: How dare you, sir. I speak the common tongue.
Jake: There it is again. You only do that when you're lying or hiding something.
Boyle: Hiding? Ha. Pish-posh.

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