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Quote from the episode Pontiac Bandit

Terry: Hitchcock called himself Scully by accident.
Hitchcock: I did, but it brought me and Scully closer together.

Quote from the episode Thanksgiving

Amy: Hitchcock, why do you have your shirt off?
Hitchcock: Can't spill food on your shirt if you're not wearing one.

Quote from the episode The Chopper

Sergeant Jeffords: We've got to make this place kid-friendly. No crime scene photos lying about.
Hitchcock: That's not a crime scene. That's a boudouir photo I'm having framed for my wife. That's me underneath the mask.

Quote from the episode Ava

Scully: Hey, if you need more fax machines, there's a ton of them in that storage room where I go to take a nap.
Amy: What? Why didn't you say something?
Hitchcock: And once again, Hitchcock and Scully save the day.
Amy: You didn't do anything. It was all Scully.
Hitchcock: We're a package deal, everyone knows that.

Quote from the episode The Road Trip

Rosa: (Answering Hitchock's phone) Hello. No, there's no Michael here. You have the wrong number. Good-bye.
Hitchcock: I'm Michael.
Rosa: That's a dumb name, but it's yours, and you should be proud of it because you are the greatest Detective I've ever known.
Hitchcock: No doy, Diaz. No doy.

Quote from the episode The Bet

Hitchcock: What bet? What are you guys talking about?
Terry: Seriously? The bet? They've been keeping score all year. It comes up all the time. What are you doing all day?!
Hitchcock: Nothing. Why, you want to hang out?

Quote from the episode The Big House Pt. 2

Amy: Hey, I think I found something interesting. I was double-checking last month's surveillance photos, and I noticed this. Hawkins has two different phones: her normal cell, and then this one that only has one app on the home screen Snapchat.
Hitchcock: Oh, she's up to something. Snapchat messages disappear. You can send anything to anybody, and after they see it, it's like I never sent it.
Captain Holt: Nobody ask Hitchcock why he knows that.

Quote from the episode The Negotiation

Captain Holt: Hitchcock, there's a woman here interviewing detectives a part of the Commissioner selection process.
Hitchcock: All right, I'll go hide in the janitor's closet until this is all over. Thanks for the heads up.
Captain Holt: No, it's too late for that. She wants to talk to you.
Hitchcock: What? No! How could you let this happen? I'm nuts!
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, calm down, man. We just took her on a tour of the precinct and now she's at lunch. That means we have one hour to teach you how to behave like a human.
Hitchcock: Oh, I see. You're gonna "My Bare Lady" me.
Captain Holt: "My Bare Lady"?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm assuming it's a "My Fair Lady" porn parody.
Captain Holt: Oh, my. We've got our work cutout for us.

Quote from the episode The Apartment

Hitchcock: Not to brag, but Scully and I have a combined total of 14 arrests. Would have 20 but we only got 14.
Captain Holt: That's not enough arrests.
Hitchcock: Well, no one asked you. It's a self-evaluation.

Quote from the episode 99

Jake: Sir, with all due respect, the first thing that you taught me when you came to the Nine-Nine is that we're a team, so your responsibility is my responsibility too.
Rosa: And mine.
Sergeant Jeffords: And mine.
Amy: And mine.
Charles: And mine.
Scully: And mine.
Hitchcock: Six people seems like a lot. I mean, at some point, it's just too many cooks. And mine.

Quote from the episode Ava

Sergeant Jeffords: And Hitchcock and Scully, I assume you're here for some unrelated injury.
Hitchcock: That's correct.

Quote from the episode Windbreaker City

Jake: So you just want us to lie on the ground and do nothing like a bunch of losers?
Agent Kendrick: Yes, precisely.
Jake: No!
Hitchcock: Jackpot!

Quote from the episode Windbreaker City

Amy: I don't like it. Something stinks.
Hitchcock: Well, I'm sorry, but I refuse to mask my natural musk with a bunch of chemicals.

Quote from the episode Beach House

Jake: Wow, without the bubbles you can really see everything.
Hitchcock: Eyes up here, Peralta.

Quote from the episode Bureau

Sergeant Jeffords: The briefing was a week ago. Just tell us everyone you talked to since then.
Hitchcock: Well, let's see. On Saturday, I got together with my friends, and we went to the dog track.
Sergeant Jeffords: We need names.
Hitchcock: I lied. There's not multiple friends. It's just Scully.

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