Sergeant Jeffords: Hitchcock called himself Scully by accident.
Hitchcock: I did, but it brought me and Scully closer together.

Amy: Hey, I think I found something interesting. I was double-checking last month's surveillance photos, and I noticed this. Hawkins has two different phones: her normal cell, and then this one that only has one app on the home screen Snapchat.
Hitchcock: Oh, she's up to something. Snapchat messages disappear. You can send anything to anybody, and after they see it, it's like I never sent it.
Captain Holt: Nobody ask Hitchcock why he knows that.

Amy: Hitchcock, why do you have your shirt off?
Hitchcock: Can't spill food on your shirt if you're not wearing one.

Scully: Hey, if you need more fax machines, there's a ton of them in that storage room where I go to take a nap.
Amy: What? Why didn't you say something?
Hitchcock: And once again, Hitchcock and Scully save the day.
Amy: You didn't do anything. It was all Scully.
Hitchcock: We're a package deal, everyone knows that.

Jake: I've been trying to catch the Pontiac Bandit for eight years. You know how many months that is?
Rosa: 96.
Jake: 80. 40. 6. Years. Months.
Captain Holt: Do you need a math tutor? Because the department will provide one for you.
Jake: I can't tell if you're being serious.

Captain Holt: Ouch. He ran over my foot. I am in incredible pain.

Diane: Dougie! Oh, my beautiful boy. Well, shouldn't you be at work?
Doug Judy: Never too busy to see my mama.
Diane: Oh.
Doug Judy: Mama, this is my girlfriend Rosa. And this is my personal assistant, Mangy Carl.
Jake: Aw, it's nice to meet you. You can just call me Carl.
Doug Judy: Mangy Carl used to be a homeless gentleman. I work with a charity that finds jobs for down-on-their-luck white people.