Sergeant Jeffords: Hitchcock called himself Scully by accident.
Hitchcock: I did, but it brought me and Scully closer together.

Jake: I've been trying to catch the Pontiac Bandit for eight years. You know how many months that is?
Rosa: 96.
Jake: 80. 40. 6. Years. Months.
Captain Holt: Do you need a math tutor? Because the department will provide one for you.
Jake: I can't tell if you're being serious.

Captain Holt: Ouch. He ran over my foot. I am in incredible pain.

Diane: Dougie! Oh, my beautiful boy. Well, shouldn't you be at work?
Doug Judy: Never too busy to see my mama.
Diane: Oh.
Doug Judy: Mama, this is my girlfriend Rosa. And this is my personal assistant, Mangy Carl.
Jake: Aw, it's nice to meet you. You can just call me Carl.
Doug Judy: Mangy Carl used to be a homeless gentleman. I work with a charity that finds jobs for down-on-their-luck white people.

Captain Holt: Maybe your twins would like some little furry friends?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm sorry, sir, but that's impossible. With the twins learning how to walk, chaos reigns at the Jeffords household. I can't let those innocent pups into that madhouse. Terry won't do you like that.

Captain Holt: I understand. Just know, you have disappointed all three of us.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's cold, sir.

Jake: Doug Judy and I know this guy. You have to trust us!
Rosa: Do I? One of you is a criminal, and the other one is dressed like Steve Harvey.

Amy: How long can you possibly hide in here?
Gina: I sent all the captain's calls here. My phone battery's at 100% charge. And I have ten loose diner mints in my purse. This is my home now.

Captain Holt: Hand me the small dogs, Santiago.

Captain Holt: My husband's dog, Cheddar, had relations with my neighbor's dog, Karate, and produced these two smaller dogs. He insisted I find them a good home with someone we trust.

Captain Holt: You're all hiding from Boyle!
Hitchock: Not me, Captain. I was napping.
Captain Holt: That's worse!

Captain Holt: Boyle, where is everyone?
Charles: Hiding from me in the evidence room. They think I don't know, but Gina's been live tweeting the whole thing.
Captain Holt: She live tweets everything. Ruined Downton Abbey for me.

Captain Holt: How many cars would you say this Pontiac Bandit has stolen?
Jake: 230 that I know of, but the real number could be in the millions.
Captain Holt: You're not very good at math.

Doug Judy: I used to work at a chop shop. It was chill. Decent hours, good benefits. You could work while you were high. Which I never did, 'cause that's irresponsible. Anyway, we did a lot of work for this dude who stole Pontiacs.
Jake: The Pontiac bandit!
Doug Judy: Okay. We called him Bill, but whatever.

Doug Judy: You know, you should actually use him while he's there. He'll give you a dope fade.
Jake: I get dope enough fades from my current barber, thank you. So you dragged us over here, went in there, pretended to talk, and then snuck out the basement. Am I right?
Doug Judy: The basement connected to another basement! Which connected to a garage, which is where my boy picked me up.
Jake: Your boy? Oh, that guy from the meet-up. He works for you. He pretended to be spooked by me and Diaz in the parking lot to make sure that we let you go to the next meeting by yourself.
Doug Judy: Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! You win a Teddy bear!
Jake: You lied to me, Doug Judy. Gotta be honest, I'm pretty disappointed right now. I mean, was that even really your mom?
Doug Judy: Hell yeah, that's my real mom. I wanted to see her one last time before I disappeared. I told you I was sensitive, Rosa.
Rosa: Yeah, you did. Why don't you come back here and take me out to dinner?
Doug Judy: Ah, ha ha. I know you're trying to trap me. But crazy thing is I'm tempted! That's how hot I find you.

Jake: He's here. Boyle is here.
Gina: This is so fun! I wish you guys got shot more often.

Jake: Are these laserdiscs?
Doug Judy: Yeah, I robbed a tower records back in '92. Kept my faves.
Jake: Doug Judy.
Doug Judy: Ooh.
Jake: "Blade Runner", "Tron"- Oh! "Fievel Goes West"?
Doug Judy: Yes, sir. Love that little mouse. His journey, the story of America.
Jake: I could not agree more.
Doug Judy: Fievel?
Jake: Papa.
Doug Judy: Fievel!
Jake: Papa!
Doug Judy: Fie-vel!
Jake: Pa-pa!
Doug Judy: Fie-vel!

Rosa: You guys having fun?
Jake: Hey.
Rosa: 'Cause I'm not. His mom put this stupid braid in my hair.
Doug Judy: Oh, looks beautiful.
Jake: Yeah, it's kinda cute.
[Rosa cuts the braid off with a pen knife]
Doug Judy: Please have my children.

Jake: All right, it's worth the risk. We send him in alone.
Rosa: No, we do not. Something doesn't smell right to me.
Doug Judy: Could be my dad's suit. He died in it.
Jake: He died in it? Oh, man.

Amy: Dogs are my whole life! Also work. Doing work and hanging with dogs. That's my lifestyle. *Sneezes and coughs*
Captain Holt: You're allergic to dogs, aren't you?
Amy: Nope. I just need an epi-pen because my happiness is making my throat close up.

Jake: I don't look like a cop now.
Rosa: No, you look like a Boyz II Men Easter album.

Captain Holt: Are you crying, Santiago?
Amy: I'm so allergic. Can you tell the scooter to call an ambulance?

Jake: Yes. I've got you now Pontiac Bandit. Whoo! It feels good to say that in front of actual people, instead of just the mirror.

Gina: Welcome to the Boyle-free zone. Please turn off all cell phones so as not to attract any unwanted attention. Can I offer you a mint?

Captain Holt: I'm on the fence here. Diaz caught him. It's your call.
Jake: Look, this guy is for real. 1,000 push-ups.
Rosa: 1,000 push-ups?
Jake: Yes.
Rosa: Okay. I'm in.
Captain Holt: What's 1,000 push-ups?
Jake: Oh, we were in the academy together, and we hated all the drills, so now when we're on a case and one of us says 1,000 push-ups, it means I'm so sure I'm right that if I'm wrong, I'll do 1,000 push-ups.
Rosa: It's a pact we made. It really just means "trust me." And I do.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, Boyle. You want to choose where we order lunch from today?
Charles: Really? You're lifting the lifetime ban? I thought my lunch choices were "horrifying adventures in diarrhoea."
Amy: Today, Charles, we take that adventure with you.
Charles: All right! I've been craving Sudanese all day. I'll print out some menus.

Charles: Hey, Sarge. This cast has a specially crotch hole. It's a like a Doggie Door for my penis. Shake?

Charles: All this cycling makes me feel like Lance Armstrong.
Gina: Like you use performance-enhancing drugs and have one testicle?
Charles: Wouldn't you like to know?

Charles: You know, the doctor said if the bullet was two millimetres to the left and a foot higher, I might never have walked again.

Sergeant Jeffords: Gina! We've been looking all over for you. You can't just disappear and leave a sign on your desk that says "Gone leavin".

Gina: I'm hiding from Charles. I can't take him any more. It's safe in here because his scooter can't get up the stairs.

Jake: Come on, Rosa. Can't you read between the lines, man?
Rosa: Don't quote Die Hard to me.

Jake: "Back in the game. When can we meet?"
Doug Judy: Damn, you're a good assistant. I could get used to this.
Jake: How long till he usually gets back to you?
Doug Judy: Like ten minutes. Chill, mangy.

Doug Judy: My mom's car is here. She's home. Can I take these cuffs off?
Rosa: No way.
Doug Judy: She doesn't know I'm a criminal. She thinks I own an architecture firm with all white employees.
Jake: That's racist.
Rosa: Why stop there? Why not tell her you're an astronaut?
Doug Judy: 'Cause space is scary. You saw what it did to Sandy Bullock.

Gina: They accidentally put a stone in mine.
Charles: Oh, no, no, no, that's the hoof. That's the best part of the stew. Think of it as marrow-nougat wrapped in a thick toenail.

Rosa: I love getting to know people. It's my jam.

Rosa: Anyway, he said he wants to speak to "John or Jack Peralta or whatever."
Jake: What does he want with me? Should I change my name to Jack Peralta? That sounds badass. Jack Peralta, crocodile hunter.

Jake: He's just a big 'ole angel. He's been so good to ... the whites.

Captain Holt: Sergeant, I'd like you to meet Richard and Dan. They are puppies.

Jake: So if you're the Pontiac bandit, who's this joker?
Doug Judy: A couple of years ago you were getting really close, so I started telling all my associates if they ever get caught, they should describe me as- [cut to:]
Associate #1: Asian dude, 5'8", spiky hair.
Associate #2: Wears diamond earrings and has a-
Associate #3: British accent.
[back:]
Jake: So then you hired a guy who matched that exact description.
Doug Judy: No, no, no, no, no, no. That's my barber Norman Lee. He gave me the idea.
Norman Lee: You know, if you can't come in, I do house calls. You just text me a location and I could be there in half an hour.
Doug Judy: Good to know.

Doug Judy: Yeah, don't bother looking for me. I'm in the wind.
Jake: If you're close enough for me to hear you, you're close enough for me to catch you.
Doug Judy: Nah, I got a relay set up, brother.

Charles: Maybe it was too soon for me to come back. I would've just stayed at home, but I was getting lonely and bored. One day I looked out the window for four hours. I didn't see anything.

Jake: Doug Judy, can you hear me? Say something to test the wire.
Doug Judy: Hey, Diaz. After we put the cuffs on this guy, I'll be free for dinner. You like spaghetti? And weed?
Jake: The mic works.

Jake: We need evidence, so get him talking. Ask questions about money, cars, specifics.
Doug Judy: I'm getting kind of nervous, man. This dude is for real. You sure you got everything covered?
Jake: Yeah. There's a body on the back door, eyes on the side door, and two guys out on the corner. You're gonna be fine.
Doug Judy: What about choppers? You got choppers? With snipers and rockets?
Jake: No one has rocket choppers. Although that does sound amazing.

Rosa: Before we go any further, we need to know if you're for real. Describe the guy.
Doug Judy: Asian dude.Maybe 5'8 ", spiky black hair. Rocks in both ears. Always wears a black suit. And speaks with a British accent. Like my girl, Dame Judi Dench. I have impeccable taste.

Jake: I promise you this. They have not heard the last of Carl Mangerman.

Jake: I gotta say, the suit is growing on me.
Doug Judy: Looks good.
Jake: Is it triple-breasted somehow?
Doug Judy: There's no such thing.
Jake: What about the girl in total recall?
Doug Judy: Mmm. Triple bitties.

Charles: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Hot coffee in my cast! Ah! Ah. Cold milk. Cold milk.
Jake: That's coming out the bottom.
Charles: It is coming out the bottom of my cast.

Jake: Hey. What's going on?
Rosa: Just picked him up on a dozen counts of identity theft.His name is Doug Judy. You ever seen him before?
Jake: No.
Doug Judy: [singing] Rosa, Rosa, Rosa. Oh, yeah. Beautiful Rosa.
Rosa: I think he's into me.

Jake: What do you do to these perps?
Rosa: Fear is a powerful aphrodisiac.

Jake: Hey, speaking of which, we should probably grab that phone, you know, so you can get back to architecturals.

Jake: Come on, Rosa. We can play-act with his mom for two minutes to get a lead.
Rosa: Fine. One false move, and I tase you in front of your mom.