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Quote from the episode The Vulture

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Quote from the episode Operation Broken Feather

Jake: I guess that's your new best friend now, Santiago. Emphasis on "Iago," backstabber.
Amy: I'm surprised you've read Othello.
Jake: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Quote from the episode Undercover

Jake: Okay, don't shoot! That's how people get shot.

Quote from the episode Pilot

Jake: Captain, hey. Welcome to the murder.

Quote from the episode Beach House

Jake: Okay, we don't have much time. The Captain's in the bathroom and we all know how efficient he is in there.

Quote from the episode Christmas

Raymond: Captains receive meaningless threats all the time. It's really no big deal.
Jake: Of course. Totally. I mean, why would a death threat be a big deal? Oh, that's right 'cause it threatens death!

Quote from the episode Tactical Village

Jake: When it comes to shooting patterns, I like to go PB&J. Penis, Brain, Jaw.

Quote from the episode The Mattress

Amy: He said he'll point him out to us.
So you approach on foot from the south, and me and Devon will be in an unmarked car here.
Jake: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. "Me and Devon"? Didn't you mean "Devon and I"?
Amy: Oh, God.
Jake: I corrected your grammar! Are you so proud of me? Are you horrified? Are you super horny?

Quote from the episode Undercover

Jake: So, now that we are alone. I have to ask. Did you arrest a perp named Joe Uterus?
Amy: Oh my god, yes. I should have told you immediately. Perp name Hall of Fame, right?
Jake: Oh, yeah. First ballot. It was right up there with Slyvester Stools and Janet Stalkmuncher.

Quote from the episode Beach House

Jake: Very, very interesting. Guys, Captain Holt has no pants on.
Terry: Umm, what?
Jake: He has no pants on is what. Here are the facts: At 11:55 AM, Captain Holt walked past us holding a hot bowl of soup. At 12:03 PM, I heard him yell. Then, at 12:07, he called Gina into his office. She entered holding nothing. One minute later she left holding an opaque bag.
Captain Holt's pants were in that bag. His knees are in the breeze. He's in his undies.

Quote from the episode The Party

Jake: I'm talking to my credit card company. I tried to get an online subscription to the New Yorker and they declined me. Apparently, based on my previous purchases, they assumed it was fraud. That's crazy. I'm fancy. One time I had coffee-flavored ice cream.

Quote from the episode Payback

Jake: How much could I possibly owe you? Fifty/sixty bucks?
Terry: Two thousand, four hundred and thirty seven dollars.
Jake: Dollars?! Wait, of course dollars. Why was that the part I was surprised by?

Quote from the episode Jake and Sophia

Jake: Full disclosure, your honor. Last night, Ms. Perez and I got inebriated and we had colitis.
Judge: Colitis?
Sophia: Coitus.
Jake: Yeah, that.

Quote from the episode Boyle's Hunch

Jake: Boyle, they found one of the stole paintings at her house.
Boyle: But she says she didn't know how it ended up there.
She's being set up.
Jake: Framed! Art joke. Continue.

Quote from the episode AC/DC

Jake: I also have a hairline fracture in my thumb. Mankind's least important finger, am I right?

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