Quotes from ‘The Box’

The Box

The Box
Season 5, Episode 14 - Aired April 1, 2018

Jake embarks on an all-night long interrogation in order to elicit a confession out of a suspect (guest star Sterling K. Brown). But when Captain Holt skips the opera in order to stay back and help, the two cops clash over how to get him to talk.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Look, I thought you had him on the calendar reveal. [sighs] But he was a step ahead. You got flustered, and I realized in the moment we could use this to our advantage.
Jake: So what do you want me to do, ask stupid questions?
Captain Holt: Stupid questions, grammatical errors, lose your train of thought, just ask him to confess ooh, relate everything back to those movies you've seen.
Jake: Kinda seems like a shot at me about "Die Hard," but okay.

Quote from Jake

Jake: That's okay. I have no questions. That's right. I'm about to monologue, son.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: What are you smiling about?
Jake: How uncomfortable this guy is. Jacked up the thermostat, got the table all sticky, made one of the chair legs too short, and worst of all, I had Gina greet him.
Captain Holt: What did you have her do?
Jake: Be herself.
Captain Holt: Poor son of a bitch.
Jake: Yeah.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: An interrogation with a ticking clock and everything on the line? I better call Kevin and tell him I won't be attending the opera. There's someone else I'd rather hear sing.
Jake: Oh, damn!
Captain Holt: Hello, Kevin. I won't be joining you at the opera tonight-
Jake: [whispering] Oh, sorry, I didn't know you were on the phone already. Oh, damn!

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: You're right. He did it. But we have no murder weapon, no witnesses, and you really didn't find any usable forensic evidence?
Jake: The body was discovered rotting in the Pine Barrens. It'd been rained on for weeks and chewed up by coyotes. The only other DNA other than the vic's was some bear semen found in the hair.
Captain Holt: Right. Who found the body?
Jake: Hikers. You're really just gonna blow past the bear semen detail?
Captain Holt: I imagine a bear mistook the rotting corpse for a female of its species and had intercourse with it. Nothing I haven't seen before.
Jake: It isn't?

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: This is not a comment on you, Peralta. I just want to bring this guy down.
Jake: Yeah, that's all I want too. And to possibly say, "You can't handle the tooth." You know, if it comes up naturally.
Captain Holt: It won't.
Jake: It might.
Captain Holt: I actually think it can't.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: So, [sighs] after you and Robert fought-
Philip Davidson: Talked.
Captain Holt: You left the office, but you didn't take your car?
Philip Davidson: I went to a bar, The Scotchman. I didn't want to drive drunk, so I took a cab.
Captain Holt: And you didn't have your phone?
Philip Davidson: I left it charging in my office and I didn't realize till I was already out of the building.
Jake: Oh, man, if I go ten minutes without looking at my phone, my pumpkin crop dies on my little farm.
Captain Holt: This is not the time for stories about your digital squash, Peralta.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Where should we start-a-rooski?
Philip Davidson: Don't you think maybe we should just wait till your boss comes back?
Jake: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Because you're scared. You know I'm playing hardball, except for that the balls are questions. And here they come.
What kind of car did Robert drive? Also, Dana from the bar, what color was her hair, and which night does the cleaning crew sterilize your office, and have you ever been up to where the body was found, and when you left your phone at the office, was it plugged into your computer or an outlet, and did you kill him, and what did your cab driver look like?
Philip Davidson: This seems like a huge waste of time. But, here you go. Robert drove a Saab, Dana's hair was blonde, they sterilize on Wednesdays and Saturdays, I haven't been to Vernon in 20 years, the phone was plugged into the wall, no, I didn't kill him, and the cab driver had a beard and an earring, I'm sorry I didn't get his license number.
Jake: Wow. Very impressive.
Philip Davidson: Yeah.
Jake: You didn't fall for my "did you kill him" gambit.
Philip Davidson: No.
Jake: Although it is interesting that you knew the body was found in Vernon, New York, when that information hasn't been released to the public.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Well, hello, Dolly.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I can't believe you thought I was the dumb cop. I mean, I've watched "Planet Earth". With the British narrator. I can tell you anything you want to know about "three-toed slo-ths" and I got you to say you knew where the body was found, which kinda seems like something only the murderer would've known.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So what did you mean when you said that you hadn't been to Vernon in 20 years?
Philip Davidson: My uncle has a cabin there. I would visit him as a kid.
Jake: Wow. So your uncle owns a cabin in the town that the body was found. That is quite a coincidence.
Philip Davidson: I haven't been there for 20 years. You can call my uncle if you want.
Jake: Oh, we are. So you might as well just confess now, or we can take our sweet time, like the "ma-jestic slo-th".

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: It's a tactical mistake. You're guessing what happened that night. But what if Philip never went to the cabin?
Jake: He did. I can feel it here.
Captain Holt: Your stomach?
Jake: No, my gut.
Captain Holt: Your gut, or intestines, is lower. You should point down here, closer to your pubis.
Jake: I'm good.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: We have a few more questions for you, doctor.
Captain Holt: Doctor. Huh. It's funny when people call dentists "doctor".
Philip Davidson: We are doctors. We do four years of medical school.
Captain Holt: Yeah, but it's called "dental school".
Philip Davidson: But we learn about the entire body.
Captain Holt: But if you had cancer, you wouldn't call a dentist.
Philip Davidson: You know it's actually harder to get into dental school than medical school.
Captain Holt: Well, because there are fewer dental schools. Because most people want to become actual doctors.
Philip Davidson: That's ridiculous. It's not like we're college professors calling ourselves "doctors".
Captain Holt: Not the same thing, my friend.
Philip Davidson: Well, sure it is. When someone has a heart attack on a plane, do they yell out, "Yo, does anybody here have an Art History PhD?"
Captain Holt: A PhD is a doctorate. It's literally describing a doctor.
Jake: Maybe let's refocus.
Captain Holt: No! The problem here is that medical practitioners have co-opted the word "doctor".
Jake: Okay, Captain-
Captain Holt: I know we live in a world where anything can mean anything, and nobody even cares about etymolo-
[cut to outside, Holt downing a glass of water]
Captain Holt: Apparently that's a trigger for me.
Jake: Yeah, apparently.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So, one day I'm working late when my boss, Robert, surprises me. He found out I was stealing meds. Again, junkie scum. Also again, not your fault. There's a major genetic component to addiction. He says he's gonna file a police report.
I could lose my license. We fight, and something in me just snaps, so I grab the first thing I can find, and I hit him with it.
Lawyer: You still have no murder weapon.
Jake: I do now. Here's a pic I found on Yelp of the surgical suite six months ago, and here is a shot that our crime scene photographer took of the same room two weeks after the murder. Notice any differences?
Lawyer: We're not answering that.
Jake: That's all right, I can just tell you myself. The Yelp shot has six of these heavy-looking glass awards from the Brooklyn Periodontics Society in the background, whereas this shot only has five. What happened to number six? Murdered Robert with it!
Philip Davidson: I didn't.
Jake: You lost all control and you bludgeoned him to death. There must have been blood everywhere, but you got lucky. You were in the surgical suite; it can be sterilized. You never would have gotten away with it in your carpeted office.
Philip Davidson: That's not what happened.
Lawyer: Don't say anything more, Philip.
Jake: And your office manager would have heard all of the screaming but she was at her grandson's play. Lucky again.
Philip Davidson: You're wrong.
Jake: You put Robert's body into a wheelchair and shoved it in the elevator. It's a miracle there wasn't blood everywhere.
Philip Davidson: That's not true.
Jake: Now you're in the garage with a corpse. You panicked and left your phone in your office, and you don't have your car keys, but Robert's are in his pocket so you put him in his car and you take off.
Philip Davidson: No.
Jake: You can't believe what you've done.
Philip Davidson: No.
Lawyer: Philip.
Jake: You're flustered. You have no GPS, so you just start driving.
Philip Davidson: No!
Lawyer: Philip!
Jake: Next thing you know, you're in the Pine Barrens, and it hits you: your uncle's cabin. He has a place there. You're the luckiest son of a bitch.
Philip Davidson: It wasn't luck!
Jake: Yes, it was. You got lucky at every turn!
Philip Davidson: No. I knew exactly where I was driving, I left my phone in the office on purpose, I was in the surgical suite by design, and I didn't use some glass award that any idiot would clearly see was missing. I made a rod out of a special dental polymer, killed him with it, then melted it back down. It's already in a patient's mouth, son!
Captain Holt: Oh, damn. Oh, damn. Oh, damn!
Jake: And that is three oh-damns. Oh, damn!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Why are you wearing a tuxedo?
Captain Holt: Kevin and I are attending the opera.
Jake: Ooh, the opera. Is it the one Bugs Bunny sings?
Captain Holt: [shrugs] Yes.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Let's get in here. Start working this guy.
Jake: Oh. You're gonna come in with me. I just thought maybe you'd watch from out here, you know, pull me out when I'm getting too hot. Call me a loose cannon. You know, classic Captain stuff.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Peralta, do you know what I miss most about being a detective? A good interrogation. Breaking suspects down. Talking quietly and then talking real loud. Looking away and then looking right in their eyes. Leaning.
Jake: That was amazing.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hello, Philip.
Philip Davidson: Detective.
Jake: This is Captain Raymond Holt. He's a bit of a legend in interrogation circles. Hey, Cap, who's the scariest person you've ever gotten a confession out of?
Captain Holt: Connie Buttons.
Jake: Okay, thought it was gonna sound a little cooler, but no matter.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So, shall we recap the night that Robert Tupper was murdered Friday the 22nd? I believe you were the last person to see him alive, correct?
Philip Davidson: No, I'd imagine whoever killed him saw him after I did.
Jake: Ooh, nice dodge. You're quick, like a cat.
Captain Holt: Like a dancer.
Jake: Like Great Tiger. From "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out". He could teleport around the ring. Most people thought it was impossible to get past him.
Philip Davidson: I beat him every time. You just punch him when he gets dizzy.
Jake: Really?! I mean, duh. Everyone knows that.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Boy, you really thought you had him with that one, huh?
Jake: Well, I-
Captain Holt: You got so excited for it. Let me guess, you, ah, practiced that notebook flip?
Jake: Well, yes, obviously.
Captain Holt: I'd like to move on, unless you have any other big revelations in here. Let's see. "I'm Gomez, You're Morticia, I feel so happy when I'm wit' ya."
Jake: I was just spit-balling wedding vows there.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: So what do you say?
Jake: [sighs] Me want to. Dumb cop.
Captain Holt: I got that.
Jake: Yeah.
Captain Holt: Well done.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Now, we did a sweep of the room where you and Robert fought.
Philip Davidson: Talked.
Captain Holt: Right, talked. The entire room had been scrubbed.
Philip Davidson: It had been cleaned.
Captain Holt: It had undergone industrial sterilization to remove all traces of blood and DNA.
Philip Davidson: It's a surgical suite. People bleed in there every day. We have to sanitize it by law.
Jake: Ooh, I remembered what I was gonna ask. Did you kill him?
Philip Davidson: No.
Jake: Ah! If you had said yes, I woulda had you!

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: So you want us to lie?
Jake: No, I want me to lie and for you to stand behind me and say, like, three oh damns when I really get cooking. All right, fine, two oh-damns. One oh-damn?
Captain Holt: There will be no oh-damns.
Jake: But it will be so satisfying in your deep, powerful voice.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: We're not lying.
Jake: It's legal. The Supreme Court said that we're allowed to lie in an interrogation. I told a perp that I knew Steph Curry a couple days ago. It had nothing to do with the case, but I could say it.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Suppose you're wrong. Now Philip knows we have nothing. There goes our credibility and our leverage. No, we need a different strategy.
Jake: All right, fine. How about this I convince him I'm unstable. I run in there screaming, I throw a chair through the two-sided mirror, glass goes everywhere. He's like, "If Mad Dog Peralta will do that, who knows what else he's capable of?"
Captain Holt: No offense, but you don't get angry well.
Jake: What? That's not true. Remember how angry I got about how fast Daenerys got from Dragonstone to north of the Wall? That was intense.
Captain Holt: You have a boyish face and a big goofy grin. It's like being yelled at by a children's cereal mascot.
Jake: Hey, some of those are scary. Count Chocula much? All right, fine, I see your point.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So, Philip, you're hanging out at the bar with "Dana". How late did you stay?
Philip Davidson: I got in the cab around 3:30.
Captain Holt: Kinda hard to find a cab in that neighborhood. Why not a ride-sharing service?
Philip Davidson: Didn't have my phone, remember?
Jake: Did you talk to the driver?
Philip Davidson: No.
Captain Holt: What route did you take?
Philip Davidson: I don't know, I was watching Taxi TV.
Jake: What was on?
Philip Davidson: Fallon highlights.
Captain Holt: What was he doing?
Philip Davidson: Slow-jamming the news.
Jake: Who was the guest?
Philip Davidson: Amy Adams.
Captain Holt: Who's that?
Philip Davidson: Famous actress. [Jake nods to Captain Holt]

Quote from Jake

Jake: Why would you-
Philip Davidson: Wow. You got some old silver fillings in there. You probably want to drill those out, replace 'em with porcelain.
Jake: Okay, but why-
Philip Davidson: And that is some serious plaque buildup.
Jake: Let's get back to-
Philip Davidson: No, no, no. Open wider. Let me see. Good God, when is the last time you had a cleaning?
[cut to Jake and Holt on the other side of the glass]
Jake: Damn it! Not only did we not break him, but now I have to go to the dentist?!

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Tell us more about your relationship with Robert.
Philip Davidson: We've been over this a thousand times. We got along well.
Jake: So you never fought, at all. About anything.
Philip Davidson: I mean, we worked together. We disagreed sometimes. But we had a good partnership. He never, for instance, skipped a party so he could micromanage me as I tried to do my job. That's what's happening here, right? That's why you're wearing the tuxedo?
Captain Holt: I skipped the opera, not a party; it's no big deal.
Jake: Yeah, it's the Bugs Bunny one.
Captain Holt: And I'm not here to micromanage anyone. I'm here because I enjoy interrogating scum.
Jake: Scum like you.
Captain Holt: That was implied.
Jake: I just thought we had a good rhythm going.
Captain Holt: We do.
Jake: I know.
Captain Holt: Okay.
Jake: Okay.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Do you feel like I lost the upper hand? Because I still think it's about 50/50.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Guess what, you dick? I just got off the phone with Vernon PD. Your uncle's neighbors saw you go into the cabin the night of the murder. They ID'd your photo. I've got you dead to rights.
Philip Davidson: Interesting.But, uh, my uncle only has one neighbor, and I'm pretty sure he didn't identify me.
Jake: Oh, really? Because you were so careful?
Philip Davidson: Because he's been dead three years.
Jake: ... Well. I'm friends with Steph Curry.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Look, even if we were lying about having a witness-
Philip Davidson: Which you are. The neighbor's dead.
Jake: No, it could've been a squatter, or a hunter, or a squatting hunter. Not all hunters have homes.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, then let me paint you a picture of Philip, a successful periodontist that's become addicted to Diazepam, a sedative I take because I'm junkie scum. Also, for real, addiction is a disease. I would be super empathetic if you hadn't murdered a man.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Ohhh. Fresh air. Wow, I don't say that a lot.

Quote from Gina

Philip Davidson: I'm Philip Davidson. Detective Jake Peralta asked me to drop by.
Gina: Mm, the dentist who murdered someone. Spoiler alert: they think you did it. [to a cop] Can you show him to Interrogation Room C, please? Have fun in there.
Philip Davidson: Thank you.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: So, can I join you?
Jake: Well, a lot of these techniques do work better with two people: you know, good cop/bad cop, crazy cop/sane cop, fast-talking streetwise cop and Hong Kong cop, AKA the "Rush Hour". You know what? Let's do this. Let's break this son of a bitch!

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Tell us about Friday.
Philip Davidson: I had a late afternoon surgery. Simple gum graft. It wrapped around 6:00, and then Robert and I talked after.
Jake: And who else was in the office?
Philip Davidson: Our hygienist and anesthesiologist had gone home, and Grace, who usually locks up, had left early because her grandson had a school play.
Jake: So it was just you and Robert.
Captain Holt: No witnesses.
Jake: That's lucky.
Philip Davidson: It wasn't lucky because there was nothing to witness. Robert just wanted to talk about firing one of our office assistants, Cheryl.
Jake: And that's all you discussed?
Philip Davidson: Yeah.
Jake: Nothing else?
Philip Davidson: Nah.
Jake: Zero other subjects were mentioned?
Philip Davidson: None.
Jake: Not even how gross gum grafts are?
Philip Davidson: They're really not that gross.
Jake: Liar! About the gum graft thing, and about the meeting.

Quote from Jake

Philip Davidson: We just talked about Cheryl.
Jake: Right. And, of course, there's no way for me to check if that's true, because because whoever took Robert's phone wiped all of his calendars. Except it was all backed up on his home laptop. Would you like to hear what he said the meeting was about? "7:00 p.m. Talked with Philip about"-
Philip Davidson: Missing meds. Ooh. Did I get that right?
Jake: Uh, yeah. But "missing meds" hardly sounds like "firing Cheryl," so maybe you want to explain-
Philip Davidson: He thought Cheryl was stealing Diazepam. That's why he wanted to fire her. Any other questions?
Jake: Uh....

Quote from Jake

Jake: What the hell are you doing in there? You totally undermined me.
Captain Holt: I know, and I apologize, but I'm executing a strategy.
Jake: Oh, really, and what strategy might that be? Make Jake feel like an idiot, or make Jake feel self-conscious about his Addams Family-themed wedding vows rap?
Captain Holt: No, I want Philip to underestimate you and fear me. I'll badger him with my superior intellect, while simultaneously belittling you. Once Philip dismisses you as a threat, I'll leave you alone with him, and he'll let his guard down.
Jake: If I didn't know any better, I would say you're describing smart cop/dumb cop.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: So, the night of the murder, you met with Robert in the surgical suite. Why there? Why not your office?
Philip Davidson: Uh, just preparing for the next day's surgeries.
Captain Holt: Don't you have an assistant who does that?
Philip Davidson: I'm a meticulous person. I'm careful how I do things.
Jake: So careful that you ... I'm sorry, I forgot what I was gonna say. Come back to me.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Look your dead friend in the eyes and say his name.
Philip Davidson: Robert.
Jake: Okay, maybe say his full name.
Philip Davidson: Robert Tupper.
Jake: His middle name's Henry.
Philip Davidson: Robert Henry Tupper.
Jake: His wife called him Rob.Work that in.
Philip Davidson: Rob Tupper.
Jake: Work it into the full name.
Philip Davidson: Robert "Rob" Henry Tupper.
Jake: Now say it with a frown on your face.
Philip Davidson: Robert "Rob" Henry Tupper.
Jake: Now try not to blink, so tears come to your eyes.
Philip Davidson: Robert "Rob" Henry Tupper.

Quote from Captain Holt

Philip Davidson: You don't think the fact that he skipped the opera has anything to do with him not believing in you?
Jake: [scoffs] He believes in me.
Philip Davidson: Okay. Why did he make you dumb cop?
Jake: He didn't make me dumb cop, not that it's any of your business. We agreed on it as a strategy.
Philip Davidson: Right, but why wasn't he dumb cop?
Captain Holt: Please. You never would have bought that.
Jake: What?
Captain Holt: It's just that, um, between the two of us, you are more believable as a-
Jake: Dumb cop?
Captain Holt: Yes, dumb. Uh, the-the dumber of two smart options.
Philip Davidson: Wow. Rough.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Tell us about that Diazepam. If Cheryl didn't take it, then who did? Because we're pretty sure it was you.
Philip Davidson: Honestly, it could have been any one of our employees. They all have access to the storage room. You know, it's silly, but, uh I trust the people who work for me.
Jake: I'm telling you, Captain Holt is only in here because I want him here.
Philip Davidson: Really? So you're in charge? And all those strategies you've been coming after me with, those were all your ideas?
Jake: Right. The guitar thing was mine.
Philip Davidson: And you signed off on that?
Captain Holt: Well-
Jake: Seriously?
Philip Davidson: Ooh, this is sad.

Quote from Jake

Philip Davidson: Your boss thinks you're an idiot; that can't feel good.
Jake: All right, listen, you son of a bitch, you think you're smarter than us? You think you've gotten away with it? You haven't. We're gonna find something.
One skin cell, one eyelash, one tiny inconsistency in your story, and you're gonna spend the rest of your life in prison. Everyone who loves you will leave, and you will die alone! And at that time, it will be your head that a bear has sex with!
Philip Davidson: [snorts] [laughing] I'm pretty sure you're going for angry, but in my mind, it just seems like when a Muppet gets upset and starts going like-
Jake: Oh, you want angry? I'll show you angry! [Jake throws a chair at the two-way mirror, it bounces back and knocks him down]

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: There's one thing I still don't understand. Did you know you had the wrong murder weapon?
Jake: Ah, excellent question, sir. Yes. I spotted the missing dental award when I first took the case. I asked around weeks ago. Turns out a cleaning lady knocked it over and shattered it.
Captain Holt: Then why did you run in there like that?
Jake: Because in talking to you, I realized what Philip's worst fear actually was: that we would think he was just some dummy that got lucky.
Captain Holt: Right. He had planned the perfect crime. And it killed him when you said he was sloppy and impulsive.
Jake: He needed us to know how smart he was.
Captain Holt: Right. Like someone else I know.
Jake: Yup. Kevin.
Captain Holt: [snorts] [both laugh] I'm proud of you, Peralta.
Jake: Thank you, sir.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Now let's go get some sleep.
Charles: Hey, guys.
Captain Holt: My goodness. We're almost late for work.
Jake: Oh. Well, in that case, good morning, sir.
Captain Holt: Good morning, Peralta.
Jake: God, I love this job.

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