Quotes from ‘The Puzzle Master’

The Puzzle Master

'The Puzzle Master' - Season 5, Episode 15

Jake surprises Amy with an investigation into a string of arsons connected to her favorite crossword puzzle author, Vin Stermley (guest star David Fumero). Meanwhile, Gina helps Holt jazz up his Commissioner candidate speech, and Terry, Rosa, Hitchcock and Scully argue over who is most deserving of the new detective car.

Air Date: April 8, 2018.

Quote from Captain Holt

Gina: I did a little sleuthing on your rivals. You want me to spill the beans?
Captain Holt: Why would you ever intentionally spill beans? They're one of nature's most densely packed protein sources, and they remain unsullied by flavor.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Okay. I just won't ever open it. That way, I'll never get rejected.
Jake: Fine, I'll open it.
Amy: No! [grabs Jake's hand]
Jake: [bone cracking sound] Oh, whoa! Do it harder!

Quote from Amy

Amy: What's going on, Jake?
Jake: In one week, you will officially become a sergeant. Which means this case will be the last one we ever work together as detectives, so it has to be perfect. I present to you a serial arson case.
Amy: Mm-hmm.
Jake: And the fires seem to be connected to the Saturday crossword puzzle.
Amy: Mama like.
Jake: Two different buildings, two consecutive Saturdays, and a puzzle left at each crime scene, and a note was sent to the puzzle's author, Mr.
Melvin Stermley.
Amy: Melvin Stermley? He's the best in the game! He made a puzzle once where all the answers were just the word "puzzle" in different languages. In Estonian, it was moistatus.
Jake: Yeah, well, your moistatus is about to be hecka moist - Don't call HR, we are getting married - because Melvin Stermley is coming in to help us with the case!
Amy: Sha-wing!

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: Fine, fine, tell me everything.
Gina: All right, have a seat. It's Gina time. Say hello to your compe-tish. Bryan McCann, John Kelly, and John Kelly. Yes, that's right, there are two John Kellys.
Captain Holt: How are these not the same man?
Gina: You should see their wives. Or should I say, wife.
Captain Holt: Good God!

Quote from Gina

Captain Olivia Crawford: Raymond Holt, I'm Captain Olivia Crawford. I'm the new candidate for commissioner.
Gina: Oh?
Captain Holt: Excuse me?
Captain Olivia Crawford: Yeah, I replaced the other candidate. He retired to spend more time with his grandchildren. Anyway, I just wanted to say what a privilege it is to be up for the same job as a man with your ... tenure.
Gina: Oh, damn, she paused, dude.
Captain Holt: In error, I am certain. Olivia, I may be older than you, but I am not some dinosaur intent on maintaining the status quo. For example, I would add a social media officer to every precinct.
Captain Olivia Crawford: Interesting. I plan on eliminating precincts all together.
Captain Holt: What, no precincts? That's not how we do things.
Captain Olivia Crawford: That's exactly what both John Kellys said.
Captain Holt: Oh no, she's the asteroid.
Gina: And I don't want to say you're a dinosaur, but [whispering] you're a dinosaur.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Who's the anus loser now? [slips and lands his foot in the toilet bowl] It's still me.

Quote from Hitchcock

Rosa: You cheated.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? I didn't cheat.
Rosa: I bet every slip in there says Terry.
Hitchcock: He filled it full of fake people. Who the hell is Norm?
Rosa: That's Scully's first name.
Hitchcock: It is?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Let me begin with a hilarious joke. I'm surprised I was on the short list for commissioner. After all, I am six feet tall.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: All right, Sarge. The car is yours.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? Why? I don't deserve that car.
Rosa: I don't know about that. I went back and watched the tapes to figure out how you did it. Right before the drawing, you got a peanut butter cup out of the freezer. The thing is, you don't eat sugar past 4:00 p.m.
Sergeant Jeffords: Could have been a cheat day.
Rosa: Oh, it was definitely a cheat day. You froze your slip of paper, so that when you pulled the name, all you had to do was find the cold one.
Sergeant Jeffords: So, you thought the way I cheated was so cool, you gave me the car?
Rosa: Yeah, but also while I was watching those tapes, I noticed all the nice crap you do for people. You got Gina a cushion for her chair. You let Charles show you 130 pictures of Nikolaj brushing his teeth. You Heimlich'd Scully twice.
Sergeant Jeffords: On the same peanut. I also solved a murder.
Rosa: Yeah, we all solve murders, but you, you let Hitchcock borrow a pair of your socks, because his somehow disintegrated. Anyway, I'm sorry I guilted you in the first place. You deserve that car.
Sergeant Jeffords: Thanks, Diaz.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: How did you get Hitchcock and Scully to agree to this?
Rosa: I washed their car and told them it was a new one. They're napping in it right now.
Sergeant Jeffords: Smart!

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Santiago, your test results from the sergeant's exam have arrived.
Jake: Ooh, everybody make room. Amy needs adequate space to do her signature dork dance.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Amy Santiago, put down that melon, for you are about to feast your eyes on one of the most delicious cases in the NYPD. I don't like the personality I've chosen here.
Charles: I do. You sound like Caesar Flickerman welcoming new "Hunger Games" tributes to the Quarter Quell.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Hey, I was going through your calendar for some reason.
Captain Holt: It's your job.
Gina: Right.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Anyhoobs, I wanted to remind you about the commissioner candidate meet and greet, and your presentation to the selection committee. Being that I am your campaign manager-
Captain Holt: You are not.

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: Do you know what their speeches are about?
Gina: I do. "Staying the course". "Maintaining the course", and "Blazing a path to a new future". I'm kidding, it's "Remaining on the course".
Captain Holt: Unbelievable, none of these men have any interest in advancing the NYPD.
Gina: That's right, because they're dinosaurs. But do you know what kills dinosaurs?
Captain Holt: Asteroids?
Gina: No. You-steroids. You are going to kill these dinosaurs.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Hey, hey dum-dum. What are you thinking? Introducing Amy to her celebrity crush? Are you insane?
Jake: Relax, Charles. It's not a crush, it's her nerdy crossword puzzling hero. I mean, the guy's got to be a massive dork. His name is Melvin Stermley, for God's sake.
Amy: Jake, he's here. Come meet Melvin.
Vin Stermley: Hey, you can call me Vin.
Jake: But, where is nerd?

Quote from Scully

Rosa: Whoa, is this a new detective car?
Sergeant Jeffords: It sure is, I put in the paperwork 18 months ago, and got lucky. They fast tracked it! Say hello to the Nine-Nine's brand new, fully loaded, sweet-as-hell crime-crusher on wheels!
Rosa: Holy crap, it has a heads-up display with built-in license plate reader.
Scully: Who cares. It's got two burrito holders.
Rosa: Those are cup holders, Scully.
Scully: Oh yeah? Then what am I supposed to use my thighs for, genius?

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Rosa: Wait, who are you assigning this car to, Sarge?
Sergeant Jeffords: Um, I was actually thinking I'd get this one.
Hitchcock: Seriously?
Rosa: You suck.
Sergeant Jeffords: Whoa, the heater in my detective car hasn't worked in two years. I don't have enough body fat to keep warm. Terry's sick of shivering.

Quote from Scully

Rosa: Okay, just seems a little selfish to keep it for yourself when your detectives, who you took an oath to protect, are stuck driving their crappy old cars.
Sergeant Jeffords: Mine's the oldest.
Scully: I've never felt so abandoned. And I was actually abandoned. They found me in a swamp.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, so Vin, just curious. Would you say you have the typical physique of a puzzle maker, or?
Vin Stermley: Well, each puzzle only pays a couple hundred bucks, so I mostly make my money modeling. Primarily swimwear.
Jake: Yeah, I hear that. I could do that too, but I make pretty good money here, so I don't really need to.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Oh, maybe we should look at anagrams of the answers.
Vin Stermley: That's really good, "o nasty amiga!"
Amy: Oh, what? He re-arranged the letters of "Amy Santiago". He anagrammed me! Vin, do Jake Peralta.
Jake: I doubt that's even possible.
Vin Stermley: Eat a jerk, pal.
Jake: What, no one's ever said that phrase.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Feeling jealous, buddy?
Jake: No, not at all. I mean, I am a little surprised that somebody named Melvin is so bodacious, but I feel that jealousy is an ugly emotion.
Charles: That you are feeling.
Jake: And I'm just glad that Amy is spending some time with her hero.
Charles: Who is super hot.
Jake: Charles, let it go.
Charles: And smart.
Jake: I'm serious, stop.
Charles: And hilarious.
Jake: Eat a jerk, pal!

Quote from Jake

Jake: But maybe we should switch gears a bit, and get back to some good old-fashioned police work.
Amy: What are you thinking?
Jake: Well, whoever's setting these fires is clearly trying to humiliate Vin. You know, make a puzzle he can't solve. So maybe we should focus on people that don't like you.
Amy: Jake has a point about motive. Maybe another puzzler wants to take you down.
Vin Stermley: Well, if you're looking for a puzzle head, I'm hosting a crossword night at the Turnkey Bar tonight.
Amy: Oh, I've always wanted to go there. That place is a total puzz-hang.
Jake: Ah, gross, all right, so we'll go undercover, chat some people up, and see if we can't find our arsonist.
Amy: Good idea.
Jake: Oh, Amy likes my plan. Great, so Vin, why don't we just get this coat back on you, and I'll help you get out of the door, here. And we'll see you tonight, okay, bye!

Quote from Captain Holt

Gina: Wow, the competition looks even older in person. What do you think these dinosaurs are talking about? Where to find "Matlock" reruns?
Captain Holt: Be professional, Gina. Like the homecare nurses who will tuck them into bed tonight.

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: Oh, hello, John.
John Kelly: Raymond.
Captain Holt: I just want to say what an honor it is to be up for the same job as a man with your ... experience.
John Kelly: Thank you.
Captain Holt: I paused suggestively before I said "experience," so he would know it wasn't really a compliment.
Gina: Who are you talking to? I invented the pause.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Pardon me there, fellow puzzler. What do you think of Melvin Stermley?
Helen: Uh, you mean my future husband? Oh, so you like his puzzles? And his face, body, and brain and body. Honestly, Vin makes all other men seem really stupid and ugly.
Jake: Okay, well, thank you for your very candid and hurtful input.

Quote from Amy

Timothy: You must solve one of Vin's puzzles to enter. Rearrange the letters of this phrase to reveal a place in the world.
Jake: "Meet a brainier stud, a." Oh, come on, there's no place with that many letters in it. I mean, most places are, like, four letters. You know, park, mall, dump-
Amy: United Arab Emirates!
Timothy: You may enter.

Quote from Jake

Timothy: Uh, you must each answer a puzzle.
Jake: Oh great.
Timothy: Unscramble the letters in this phrase to reveal the name of a film based on a classic novel.
Jake: Okay. "Sad anus loser, I go in" You know, I feel like these puzzles are actually very pointed.

Quote from Hitchcock

Scully: I need this car too. I'm sick of riding my Vespa to work every day.
Hitchcock: Well, being on the seat behind you is no picnic either.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Charles, I need your help. What's the best way to dry out a pant leg that's been soaked in toilet water?
Charles: Wait 28 minutes. Trust me, that's how long it takes for toilet pants to dry.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Well, I can't just be standing around for half an hour while Amy chats it up with Vin.
Charles: Ah, so it's not toilet water. You're drenched in jealousy.
Jake: I told you before, jealousy is an ugly emotion that I don't feel. Besides, Amy picked my plan to come here. Why would I be jealous of Vin?
Charles: Because of his body, and face, and brain and body.
Jake: Why does everybody say "body" twice?

Quote from Jake

Jake: I figured out who the arsonist is. It's this guy named Sam. He's a puzzle maker. And Vin took his job.
Vin Stermley: Sam Jepson? Oh, he's not the arsonist. He's been out of town for weeks. And he's one of my closest friends. He let me stay on his couch when Anna Kournikova and I broke up.
Jake: [scoffs] Well, I mean, she never won a major, so.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. What are you doing? You're snacking? This is from the guy who told me that eating finger foods was the one true sign of depression?

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Rosa: I don't know, we need better proof than a butt clench to take down Terry.
Sergeant Jeffords: I did it, okay? I cheated. I wanted that car, and I took it.
And it's killing me. I couldn't sleep all night. I just kept hearing the blinker. You-cheat, you-cheat, you-cheat. Here are the keys. Take the damn car. Terry doesn't deserve it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Actually, what I have to say tonight is no laughing matter.
I was just told by a member of the selection committee that they have no intention of ever choosing a woman to run the NYPD. I suppose I should have been relieved, because Captain Crawford is a damn qualified candidate. But as someone who has been denied opportunity because of who I am, I cannot stand by and watch it happen to someone else.
So, I will be reserving my presentation for a selection committee that will judge all of the candidates fairly.
And let's be honest.
The crab cakes were only so-so.

Quote from Amy

Amy: I can't believe you left your post. What, the plan wasn't yours, so you didn't think it was worth following? Well, because of your juvenile behavior, one of our city's finest abandoned lard factories is now burned to the ground.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Wait, are you jealous of Vin? Jake?
Jake: All right, I didn't want to say anything because it's a gross emotion, but yes, I am a little bit jealous of the super smart supermodel. This was our last case together. And you and him have been joined at the hip. Or in his case, that super sexy V muscle that I don't understand how to tone.
Amy: He told me, it's a lot of bicycle crunches.
Jake: Crunches on a bicycle? That's crazy, you would just fall right off.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Babe, you have no reason to be jealous of him.
Jake: I just I don't want you to wake up one day and with that you were with someone as smart as you are.
Amy: I am with someone as smart as I am. You. You're a brilliant detective. I love the way you think. That's why I want to marry you.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Olivia Crawford: So, it would seem that we have become frenemies. Do you know what that means?
Captain Holt: Are you trying to imply that I'm too old to understand a portmanteau? I am not, but I am too dignified to use one. Friend-enemy.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Turned out, she was writing something. Specifically, "marry me, or else I will kill you. Yours forever, Helen Gorbelson".
Vin Stermley: Wow, that's so many fires.
Jake: So many fires.

Quote from Charles

Vin Stermley: You should join me for a puzzle night sometime.
Jake: Oh.
Charles: No! Jake is taken. He already has a friend. Hang out offer declined. Now let's strut your centerfold ass out of here.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: I don't know if there's going to be a dork dance. I mean, look how small that envelope is. That's not a big, good news envelope. That's a little, bad news envelope.
Jake: What? That's nuts. Sarge, tell her envelope size doesn't matter.
Sergeant Jeffords: If I'm being honest, I got a much bigger envelope.
Amy: Oh, God.
Jake: Unhelpful, Terry. Very unhelpful.
Captain Holt: Mine was bigger, too.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: I opened it. You passed.
Amy: [gasps] Oh, my God. I'm going to be a sergeant.
Jake: You're going to be a sergeant!
Captain Holt: Yes!
Amy: [doing her "dork dance"] Oh, no, it's happening. Whoo! Yeah!
Jake: That's my future wife! So...

Quote from Hitchcock

Sergeant Jeffords: Fine. We'll do a drawing for it. But until then, no one touches it.
Hitchcock: Oops, too late. I left a ranch handprint on the windshield.

Quote from Jake

Vin Stermley: I really think this anagram approach makes a lot of sense.
Amy: Seriously? Let's do it. I'll take even clues, you take odds.
Vin Stermley: Great.
Jake: And I will take everyone's coffee order. That's equally helpful.
Vin Stermley: I don't drink coffee. But I'd love a kombucha.
Jake: Great, I'll just walk to the kombucha store.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Everything okay?
Jake: Yeah, of course. [seeing Vin take his coat off] You can't wear a coat over a tank, you're not Ryan Gosling.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So, how's it going in here? Vin, I see you're still coatless.
Vin Stermley: I run hot, like a wolf.
Jake: Oh, I see.

Quote from Jake

Amy: I wonder if the word "conjugate" in the arsonist's letter means we should focus on the verb answers.
Vin Stermley: Cool, I love verbs. Second favorite part of speech.
Both: After prepositions.
Jake: [laughs] Yeah, words are cool.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Wow, a whole crowd full of puzzlers. Gotta be honest, I'm a little disappointed no one's wearing a green suit covered in question marks.
Amy: That guy has crossword puzzle pants. Does that scratch your itch?
Jake: Very much so, thanks.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, one of us is about to get access to the best detective car ever, and everyone else will go back to driving junk cars for the rest of your junk lives.
Rosa: Damn, Sarge, that took a dark turn.
Sergeant Jeffords: I want seat warmers. I want them bad.

Quote from Jake

Jake: While I'm busy watching nothing happen on my stupid corner, you're going to stake out Sam's apartment. Then when he sets a fire, Vin is going to look like a dummy.
Charles: That's right, use the jealousy, Jake. It will give you unimaginable power.
Jake: Yes, yes, I can feel it coursing through my veins. Oh, my hand cramped.
Oh, it's stuck in a claw. It's a claw now.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Then watch me chew, Gina. I'm a creature of the past. I'm a dinosaur.

Quote from Gina

Gina: No, you are not, you're the best man for the job. And I think you know what you have to do to get it.
Captain Holt: Believe in myself and give a great presentation?
Gina: Not even close. That's the head of the committee over there, gorging on crab cakes. Just go up to him and sabotage Olivia.
Captain Holt: Um, I don't think I can do that.
Gina: Well, you can't really be the best commissioner the NYPD has ever had if you're not the commissioner.

Quote from Hitchcock

Scully: Speak for yourself, sister. We found a smoking gun. Play it, Hitchcock.
Hitchcock: Voila.
Scully: Bah-boom.
Rosa: What, I don't see anything.
Hitchcock: Focus on the butt. The butt don't lie.
Scully: He squeezed his cheeks before he opened the slip. He knew his name was on it.
Hitchcock: It was a pre-emptive celebration clench.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Hey, Charles, nothing's happening on my MAR corner. Any movement at Sam's place?
Charles: No, I did, however, see a cool-looking dude in a ponytail on a Razor scooter. I have to admit, I like the look.

Quote from Jake

Jake: What's Sammy up to?
Charles: Well, he just sat down on the plaza.
Jake: Okay, he's opening up his backpack and pulling out what appears to be a thermos. Possibly containing some sort of accelerant-like gasoline.
Charles: Yup.
Jake: No, he's eating it with a spoon. It's soup, he's eating soup.
Charles: Well, maybe he's fueling up for a night of starting fires.
Jake: He just pulled out a lighter! Nope, it's not a lighter. It's a bumblebee PEZ dispenser.

Quote from Jake

Amy: But we agreed to do Vin's plan.
Jake: So what? Vin is not a cop. Why do you keep siding with him instead of me? Oh, let me guess, because he was right, and the building was on fire, and he's perfect?

Quote from Jake

Jake: Marry me. Marry. Oh, my God, look. The arsonist spelled MAR, but they were going to spell M-A-R-R-Y! Or-
Amy: Conjugate. Conjugate means marry!
Jake: Yes, and who wants to marry Vin?
Both: The lady from the bar!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, puzzle chick, unscramble this. You're going to "ailj."

Quote from Gina

Captain Olivia Crawford: Hello, Captain Holt.
Captain Holt: Ah, Captain Crawford. To what do I owe the pleasure?
Gina: Captain Crawford is here to see you.
Captain Holt: Thank you, Gina.

Quote from Gina

Captain Olivia Crawford: I just wanted to thank you, for your brave speech. The mayor's office has replaced the selection committee with a less biased one, so.
Feel free to start calling me commissioner now.
Captain Holt: The only time I plan on calling you is to hear you concede.
Captain Olivia Crawford: It's going to be hard to hear anything once I've crushed you into a fine powder.
Captain Holt: A fine powder that will choke you until you die. May the better candidate win.
Captain Olivia Crawford: She will. [she walks out]
Gina: Captain Crawford left.

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