Quotes from ‘NutriBoom’

NutriBoom

NutriBoom
Season 5, Episode 16 - Aired April 15, 2018

Jake and Charles realize that they've been suckered into the cult-like NutriBoom pyramid scheme, and must find a way to sever their contracts.

Quote from Scully

Jake: Pigeon's still here?
Scully: Yeah. No matter what we do, he just won't leave.
Jake: The problem is you're thinking like detectives.
Scully: No, I'm definitely not.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Jake, piece of advice: just give up. It's the Boyle way. It's why our family crest is a white flag.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Captain Holt: Are you ready for your first briefing?
Amy: Yes, I am fully prepared. I just wanna establish myself as a leader right away.
Sergeant Jeffords: Just be confident, deliberate and firm. You'll know you have their respect when you can take a moment [pours a cup of coffee] and still keep their attention.
Amy: Amazing.
Rosa: That was captivating as hell.

Quote from Charles

Jake: So not a big deal, there was just a little bit of a mix-up and we need to cancel our NutriContracts.
Angela: Absolutely. It happens all the time. All you need to do is sign a few things.
Jake: Ah. See, Charles, that is why you never give up.
Angela: I'll also need $10,000.
Jake: What's that?
Angela: I'm sorry. It's payment for the last shipment. Plus the cancellation fee, plus the restocking fee plus something we call a coward's charge. And that comes to $10,000. Congratulations.
Charles: Thank you. I'll write you a check. Is gratuity included?

Quote from Charles

Charles: I don't know. You really think it'll work?
Jake: Charles, it has to. It's for our honeymoon.
Charles: You said "our"!

Quote from Jake

Boyle: Anyway, meet the new recruit I signed up.
Peter: New NutriCruit? Boom, boom!
Jake: Boom, boom. My name is Barry St. Barry. And I can't wait to get inside and unlock my NutriFuture.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Man, everybody here is so creepy.
Charles: Yeah. Is that Hitchcock and Scully?
Hitchcock: Boom, boom, Bill!
Scully: Boom, boom!
Jake: Yeah, that tracks.

Quote from Gina

Amy: Gina, what do I do?
Gina: No, I don't know how to deal with an Amy. But there is this girl Wanda in my Mommy & Me class. She's such a pill. She's so into her baby and not into the other babies and it's like, oh, cool, well, congrats. Your baby rolled over early. Like, who cares?
Amy: I don't have time for this, Gina. *turns and walks away*
Gina: And that is how you deal with an Amy. You talk about something she's not interested in until she walks away.
Amy: Ohh, brilliant.

Quote from Charles

Jake: I got the files. I told you it would work. Wait, what's wrong?
Charles: They formed a line, Jake. They formed a line.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Look, I wasn't gonna tell you this, but you should just do what I used to do - when I needed to escape you.
Amy: What did you do?
Rosa: Literally escape you. Always be on the move. Never be static. Like a shark. That way he can't catch your attention.
Gina: That's right! That is what we did.
Amy: Wait, you all did that?
Gina: Mm-hmm.
Amy: Okay, but Rosa, how did you ... Rosa? W-where did she- Damn, you guys are good. [Rosa and Gina are gone]

Quote from Charles

Charles: I can't believe we're working a sting operation - with a celebrity.
Jake: I know. I feel like we're in "Oceans 11".
Charles: You're such a Clooney. Ooh, and I'm Elliot Gould.
Jake: Wow. Just skipped right over Pitt and Damon, huh?

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: Well, I'm not sure there's anything left to try. No matter what I did, he just kept interrupting me with all his own ideas.
Captain Holt: Were they good ideas?
Amy: I don't know. I didn't listen to them. Damn. Did you just solve it that easily?
Captain Holt: Yes, I did. You see, managing Amy is not a chore, it's a pleasure. Because an Amy is a tool.
Amy: I'm a tool?
Captain Holt: Yes, you're a massive tool. You're useful and valuable. Sure, an Amy can be intimidating sometimes because they have such strong ideas. But you should always listen to an Amy because they will only make you better. At least, that's my experience.
Amy: Thank you, sir.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Bill, did you bring those things I asked for?
Bill: Yep, all of my belongings that you'll need are in this suitcase.
Charles: Why is it vibrating? Is your cell phone in here?
Bill: No.
Jake: I'm sure it's not a sex toy.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, tell us more.
Bill: Now, here's a list of all the nicknames I go by. Big Bill, Big Eric, Big Drew, Big Dave, Super Thick-
Jake: Just write them all down for us.

Jake: Bill, what are you doing here? I thought we agreed to meet only once a year for the Halloween Heist.
Bill: I'm here to deliver your quarterly NutriBoom shipment. It comes with both the amino acid reducer and extra amino acid, so you get the perfect balance.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Charles, no. We're gonna go down to that office and fight this thing. I need that money for my honeymoon.
Charles: Oh, my God. The honeymoon is on the line?
Jake: And your money.
Charles: Eh.
Jake: Okay, great. Whatever gets you onboard.
Charles: For the honeymoon and no other reason.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: You won't be abusing your power like this with the officers downstairs, will you?
Amy: No! No, of course not. I'm just excited for my first day.
Captain Holt: Yes, I remember my first day as a sergeant.
Amy: I bet.
Captain Holt: My Uncle Geoffrey was struck by a subway and maimed.
Amy: Oh.
Captain Holt: But the work aspect was quite exciting.

Quote from Jake

Angela: Hello, welcome to NutriServices. I'm Angela. How can I heal you today?
Jake: Hi, Angela. Creepy greeting.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Charles, no. Angela?
Angela: Yes? How can I heal you today?
Jake: Please stop saying that. Look, you seem like a perfectly pleasant robot person, but there's no way we're giving you any more money.

Quote from Jake

Angela: Ohh. Sorry for the misunderstanding. For the no payment option, you just need to sign here.
Jake: "Enrollment in NutriCore"?
Angela: It's our charity organization.
Jake: "Pay off your contracts in labor hours under the teachings of founder Docter David Stovelman." Docter is spelled with an E?
Angela: It's the British spelling.
Jake: That can't be right.

Quote from Charles

Jake: All right, look. I didn't wanna have to do this, but we're in the NYPD. And if you don't cooperate, we'll have no choice but to file a report against the company.
Angela: You signed a contract, and that is binding. No one gets special treatment, Officer. Not even Jay.
Jake: Who?
Charles: Jay Chandrasekhar, their celebrity spokesman.
Jake: Oh, no way. The guy from "Super Troopers"?
Angela: Yep. He was also in "Beerfest". Now I have to get back to work, but allow me to introduce you to our complaint specialist. This is Phil. He's been assigned to intimidate you. Congratulations.
Charles: Thank you!
Jake: Charles, stop thanking her.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Hello, squad. I am Sergeant Amy Santiago and I'm your new commanding officer. I have big plans for us, but it's always best to start with something small and do it perfectly. [starts to pour a glass of water]
Gary Jennings: So Sergeant, I know what we should start with.
Amy: Oh, I'm sorry, Officer-
Gary Jennings: Jennings. Gary Jennings.
Amy: Officer Jennings, I already have a plan.
Gary Jennings: Okay, well, you just paused, so I thought you were looking for suggestions, which I have a lot of.
Amy: Nope. Not why I paused.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Charles! Charles, come here. I figured out how to get our money back.
Charles: I knew you'd save our honeymoon.
Jake: My honeymoon.
Charles: Whatever.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, here's the plan: we infiltrate their headquarters and get their financial records. But how do we get in, you ask? By attending today's meeting of President's Club Admiral Level NutriMasters at the NutriTower Life Base.
Charles: I don't know, they know we're cops, we can't just walk in.
Jake: Correct. We can't walk right in, but we know someone who's a high-level NutriBoom distributor who can. And he looks exactly like you.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, these people really know Bill, so you're gonna have to become him. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but Bill, tell us all about yourself.
Bill: Let's start with my whole family history. I was abandoned at a playground as an infant. And here I am.
Jake: Oh. That was the whole thing. Well, sad. But easier than remembering a bunch of names.

Quote from Gina

Amy: I'm a terrible manager. I've got this super eager know-it-all on my squad who keeps derailing me with all his ideas and I can't get anything done.
Rosa: Aww, you got an Amy.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, she's got an Amy.
Rosa: It's pretty normal. Yeah, she got one of her, right? Like a pet.
Gina: Takes one to know one, I guess.

Quote from Gina

Amy: No, he is not an Amy. I am nothing like Gary.
Gina: Uhh, first of all, Gary and Amy are the exact same name.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Let me ask you this: did he already send you nine follow-up emails - about the briefing?
Amy: No. It was 30.
Sergeant Jeffords: You got an Amy.

Quote from Charles

Jake: All right, let's get a move on.The longer I stay here, the more horrified I get.
Charles: I know. Have you seen all these posters of David Stovelman's wife, Debby?
Jake: "I'm happy, healthy and alive." Oh, Debbie dead.
Charles: Debbie real dead.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Well, you could always just wait for Gary to find his Jake and then eventually, over time, they'll each become 10% easier to deal with.
Amy: Gary will never find love. He is unlovable.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Uh-oh, Jake. We got a NutriBoomer approaching at 12:00.
Jake: The file just started downloading. How much time do we have?
Charles: I don't know, but he's a polka dotter.
Jake: Polka Dotter, what does that mean?
Charles: Of the eight types of walkers: polka dotters, drivers, arm swingers, stompers you don't know about this?
Jake: Nobody does, Charles. You clearly just read some weird blog post.
Charles: First of all, Popmango.com is not a weird blog. It's infotainment. Secondly, polka dot walkers take short strides on their toes.
Jake: I don't wanna learn about polka dotters right now. Just get out there and stall him.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Ugh, no evidence of wrong doing in any of these files. Credit where credit is due, NutriBoom is good at criminal activity.
Charles: Well, they're terrible at making shakes.
Jake: Right? The only listed ingredient is "foreign substance".
Charles: And the flavor is called "Almost Cherry". And yet I can't stop drinking it.

Quote from Charles

Jake: This is interesting. There's a major transaction on June 10th.
Charles: My dad's birthday!
Jake: You really think that's what I thought was interesting about it?
Charles: I don't know.
Jake: It's a payment for 100 grand to ScepterCore.
Charles: Isn't that one of those black ops security firms that ex-SEALs worked for?
Jake: Yes, it is. And on June 10th-
Charles: My dad's birthday.
Jake: Are you just trying to get me to remember your dad's birthday now?
Charles: I mean, it wouldn't kill you to call.

Quote from Jake

Jake: These people are evil, remember? David Stovelman murdered his wife.
Debbie Stovelman: You mean me?
Jake: Debbie Stovelman.
Debbie Stovelman: Boom, boom.
Jake: She is happy, healthy and alive.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: Hey, Captain. Just wanted to say sorry about the hole in the wall. I've already called maintenance.
Captain Holt: Okay. Anything else?
Amy: God, you're good. You saw right through me. I failed as a manager. I couldn't deal with this overeager officer who kept pestering me.
Captain Holt: Ohh, you have an Amy.
Amy: Yes, I know. We've been through it a lot today.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Well, you should've come to me. I know exactly what it's like to be you.
Amy: You used to be an Amy?
Captain Holt: No, I never had your level of insecurity. I was referring to managing an Amy.
Amy: Of course.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Oh, Officer Jennings? Can I speak to you for a minute?
Gary Jennings: Of course. Nothing I like more than one-on-one time with my boss.
Amy: Wow, it's like staring in a mirror.
Gary Jennings: What?
Amy: Nothing.

Quote from Jake

Jake: The Feds said our intel could help them maybe take down Stovelman someday, but they didn't sound hopeful.
Amy: Well, I'm glad you did the right thing.
Jake: Really? Even though it means we now have no money for a decent honeymoon?
Amy: It's hard not to say a really corny thing right now about how every day's a honeymoon with you.
Jake: Aww. Although, technically, you did you just say it. Which is very embarrassing for you.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Jake, don't freak out. There's a really creepy guy spying on us.
Jake: Oh, no, no, no. That's just Phil from NutraBoom. He'll be intimidating us from now on. There's an evil corporation hell-bent on destroying us. Hi, Phil! Boom, boom! Say, "Boom, boom," darling.
Amy: Boom, boom.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I only signed up as a one-time payment bribe. I'm not selling NutriBoom. It's clearly a pyramid scheme.
Bill: First off, it's not a pyramid scheme. It's a conical-tiered multi-flow-through medical marketing entity. And secondly, you signed the contract.
Jake: "Permission to charge my card quarterly for the next 85 years." This is written in white ink on white paper.
Bill: They do it that way so you can't read it.
Jake: Well, I did read it and I'm canceling the contract.
Bill: Canceling? If it was that easy to get out, would I be here scamming my closest friends?
Jake: We're your closest friends? What whatever, I'm not accepting the shipment.

Quote from Jake

Jake: When you should be thinking like a bird. This is Operation: Saving Private Pigeon. On my mark, I will turn on this fan, gently startling our bird due east, into the file box canyon, where he will encounter Charles holding two pot lids.
He'll bang them together, forcing Private Pigeon into the ceiling there and out of the ceiling there, where he will be greeted by scary Rosa holding a scary picture of an owl. Now he's playing our game. He'll veer left, into an upside down garbage can propped up by a hockey stick and connected to a string that Gina is holding. She pulls it, he is trapped, and Terry releases him outside.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry hates birds.
Jake: Okay, little friend. Let's get you home to mama. Oh, God. It flew right into the fan! It's everywhere! There's pigeon everywhere!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Amy: Sergeant Santiago, commander of the Nine-Nine's uniformed officers, reporting for duty. My first order as Sergeant, tell me I look dope.
Sergeant Jeffords: You look dope.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: My recommendation would be you start with a small, attainable goal something you can accomplish quickly, perfectly and publicly. The best way to lead is to always achieve all your goals.
Amy: Cool. That's not a ton of pressure.
Captain Holt: Well, it was meant to be. Pressure's an important part of success. Just remember, you represent all Latina policewomen right now.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Anyway, our first order of business will be updating the filing system, so
Gary Jennings: We should use barcodes.
Amy: No, no, no, no. No need to jump in. I already have a system in mind.
Gary Jennings: Okay, well you just keep stopping, so I thought-
Amy: Uh, to pour water. Because I'm thirsty.
Gary Jennings: Got it. Great.
Amy: Now, let's get into the details of this with- Oh, my God! What, Gary?
Gary Jennings: You're spilling water everywhere.
Amy: Yes, I am. Because our first order of business is cleaning this floor.

Quote from Charles

Jake: So NutriBoom is a massive financial scam, right? If we can prove that, we could take down the whole company.
Charles: Oh, I don't know. Are you sure you wanna take them on? They're pretty scary. I mean, no one's seen the CEO's wife in years. People think she's been murdered.

Quote from Amy

Captain Holt: So how did your first briefing go, Sergeant? Did you give the squad a simple goal?
Amy: Mm-hmm. Revamping the filing system.
Captain Holt: Mm, smart. Sounds very easy.
Amy: Mm.
Captain Holt: I assume it's been a success?
Amy: Oh, yes. It's been all types of successes. Rousing, resounding, smashing.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Oh, it's good to hear. Remember, failure is for failures.

Quote from Gina

Amy: Guys, I lied. My briefing was a total failure.
Gina: But you told Captain Holt it went great in such a normal way.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Amy: Ugh, guys. Gary is killing my productivity. Terry, how did you used to deal with having an Amy?
Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't have to do anything. You've always been great.
Amy: Cut the crap, Terry. I'm drowning.
Sergeant Jeffords: Fine. When you got too difficult to deal with, I'd pull rank.
Amy: Did that work?
Sergeant Jeffords: No. Not even once.
Amy: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

Quote from Jake

Jay Chandrasekhar: NutriBoom is a scam and a cult. They've ruined my life.
Charles: Really? You look so happy in the videos.
Jay Chandrasekhar: You'd pretend to be happy too if you knew what they did to me.
Jake: Testicular torture?
Jay Chandrasekhar: Yeah.
Jake: Ohh.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Look, we have reason to believe David Stovelman murdered his wife, Debbie.
Jay Chandrasekhar: Yeah, duh!
Jake: All right, Jay. Try to remain calm, here.
Jay Chandrasekhar: Sorry. I'm just so scarred.
Jake: Right, from the nard torture.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Look, we have evidence that could tie David to his wife's death, but we need your help to get to him.
Jay Chandrasekhar: Yeah, I'll do whatever you want. You have no idea how terrible they are.
Jake: Trust me, I do. They took ten grand from me.
Jay Chandrasekhar: Boo-hoo, they kidnapped my dog.
Jake: Okay, well, no need to compare stakes. Although I doubt your dog cost $10,000.
Jay Chandrasekhar: You can't put a price on life.
Jake: You're absolutely right. Thank you so much for your help, sir.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I'm going to the Feds, and you're going down. Also, can you tell us how to get out of here? This place is a real maze.

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