Quotes from ‘DFW’

DFW

'DFW' - Season 5, Episode 17

Jake invites his newly discovered half-sister (guest star Nasim Pedrad) to stay with him in New York, but when he and Amy realize she's a bit of a nightmare, they must find a way to get her back home to Dallas.

Air Date: April 15, 2018.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Um, when was the last time you saw your dad?
Katie Peralta: I mean, I've only ever met him like nine times. Ten if you count the time he sent his co-pilot Steve to hang out with me, 'cause he was too hungover.
Jake: I remember Steve. He taught me how to shave.
Katie Peralta: He taught me how to shave.
Amy: Where?!

Quote from Amy

Amy: Ugh, there are silver butt prints everywhere. Why did he need to paint his butt? He wears pants.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Captain Holt, I need a - what's going on?
Captain Holt: My doctor said I should be more active, but my squash club recently transitioned to racquetball. Since I'm not a dope-smoking hooligan, I decided to quit.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Becky and I broke up. She ate soup too much.
Gina: What, like every day?
Rosa: It happened twice.

Quote from Gina

Rosa: I'm sorry. I just don't think this is something you're good at.
Gina: What? The only thing I'm not good at is modesty, because I'm great at it.

Quote from Jake

Katie Peralta: Jake?
Jake: Ka- oh, no.
Katie Peralta: It's me, Kate. Give me a hug.
Police Officer: Stand down, ma'am.
Katie Peralta: Back off, dude! That's my brother!
Jake: Oh, no. It's a Mongkut situation.

Quote from Jake

Amy: So, your sister's a bit of a nightmare.
Jake: I wouldn't say that. I mean, at most, she's a daymare.
Amy: Those are so much scarier.
Jake: Yeah.

Quote from Amy

Jake: What are we gonna do? My sister cannot move here. I'll just tell her it's a bad idea, and she shouldn't do it. Ugh, but I'm the only family she has. I don't want to hurt her feelings and send her into a downward spiral.
Amy: She slept with a tin man, Jake. I don't think the spiral goes any further down.

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: I'll get a couple officers to help lift you up.
Charles: No need. I can handle this.
Sergeant Jeffords: Charles, there's no way you can lift me.
Charles: Yoga's given me great bone strength, Terry. So get ready you're about to enter the bone zone.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not a thing.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: So, what are you drinking?
Trischelle: I'll have a margarita. But, like, a skinny margarita. So, like, tequila, lime, and a tiny splash of agave.
Rosa: Mm. I refuse to order that.

Quote from Gina

Gina: You know what, men are difficult because they're all secretly monsters, but now that I know you're bi, that changes everything. I know so many great women.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Hey, it's time. You ready? You excited?
Jake: Yes, I can't believe it's finally gonna happen.
Gina: Aw, you guys are gonna have sex for the first time.
Jake: I'll have you know Amy and I do sex 24-sevs, 369. Oh no, I grossly overcompensated and now it seems like we have problems.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Jake's sister is flying in from Dallas, and we're picking her up at the airport.
Gina: You have a sister?
Jake: Half-sister. Turns out that my slutty pilot dad made daughters is several major airline hubs. ATL and EWR didn't respond when I reached out, but DFW is DTM. Down to meet.

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: Boyle is teaching me yoga.
Charles: Genevieve got me into it. You can't believe how many different ways I can wrap my legs around her. Six!

Quote from Charles

Charles: Well, there's no reason to be defensive, just because you don't have the bone strength of a yogi. We all have our thing. You're a muscler, I'm a boner.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Just looking on a dating app. Weird. Lame. Gross. Dumb. Freak. Loser. Perv.
Toothy. Mouthy.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Well, what happened to Becky?
Rosa: Who?
Gina: The girl you were seeing whose name you wouldn't tell us so we just started calling her Becky.

Quote from Rosa

Gina: Okay, well, listen, you're in luck. Because I have the perfect girl for you, and I'm actually texting with her right now.
Rosa: No. You are terrible at setting me up. Remember that dork, Justin?
Gina: He was a tattoo artist and he rode a motorcycle.
Rosa: A Yamaha. He might as well have picked me up in a station wagon.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Okay, according to the flight board, she should be here any minute. I love watching a "TBD" turn into a gate num.

Quote from Amy

Amy: What's wrong? Why do you look like that?
Jake: I'm so nervous. My hands are shaking and my butt is hella sweaty.
Amy: I totally understand. I freaked out when I met my pen pal from Thailand, Mongkut.
Jake: But everything worked out, right? You and Mongkut are lifelong friends now?
Amy: No, Mongkut turned out to be a 45-year-old prisoner. It was a really awkward trip.
Jake: That sounds horrible. Amy, what if this is a Mongkut situation?
Amy: Oh no, that pen pal service is shut down.

Quote from Jake

Amy: This is your sister. It's gonna be great. You just have to relax and be yourself.
Jake: But what if myself isn't good enough, you know? What if I'm the Mongkut?

Quote from Jake

Jake: So, this is awkward, but we should probably address the elephant in the room.
Katie Peralta: Right. Are we doing table apps or solo apps?
Jake: Uh, table apps and lots of them. If it is fried, it must be tried. Johnny Cochran.

Quote from Scully

Scully: Couch. Space heater. We soundproof for maximum privacy. And there's sodas and candy in the mini fridge.
Sergeant Jeffords: This room's a little small.
Scully: We had a big nap room, and you gave it to Gina to pump breast milk in, remember?!
Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry, Scully.
Scully: You tell anyone about this place, I will burn your life to the ground. Oh, and there's a spray if you fart.

Quote from Jake

Jake: What's going on in your life?
Katie Peralta: Honestly, it's been a tough year. I lost my job, love of my life Kurt just broke up with me.
Jake: Oh, hey, Amy has seven brothers. Maybe you could date one of them.
Katie Peralta: Oh, snap. I'm down to clown. Which one has the best body?
Amy: Uhhh...
Jake: Tony. Right? It's very clearly Tony. I don't know why she hesitated. Tony got bod.
Katie Peralta: Tony it is.

Quote from Gina

Rosa: Where's Holt? He told me to come in here.
Gina: Nope. That was me. I've been recording his voice for the past two years, and now I have a soundboard where I can make him say anything I want. Check it out.
Diaz. I. Need. To. See. You. In. The. Briefing. Room. Now.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Pretty cool, right? Watch this.
Milk. Milk. Lemonade. Around. The. Corner. Fudge. Is. Made.
Rosa: That is amazing.
Gina: Isn't it?

Quote from Rosa

Gina: Okay, well, take a gander at Jessica, professional stuntwoman just back from a surf trip in Bali.
Rosa: Pass. People who surf never shut up about it.
Gina: Kinda true.

Quote from Gina

Gina: [using her Captain Holt soundboard] Hey. Diaz. Enjoy. Having. Sexual. Fun.
With. Linetti's. Lesbian. Friend. Get. Some. Get. Some. Get. Some.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Look, it's a two-day trip. We just need to survive the next 18 hours.
Jake: Sure, sure. And, you know, I sat through a whole play once, so I can get through anything.
Amy: I took you to that play, and you said you loved it.
Jake: Because I did.

Quote from Jake

Katie Peralta: Anyway, my astrologer is always telling me everything happens for a reason, and I'm like, then why did Kurt dump me? But now I know why.
So I would leave Dallas and move to New York to be near you!
Jake: Whoa, really? I mean, that's great, but, you know, it's so expensive here.
Katie Peralta: I'll be fine. I got a head full of dreams, and a pocket full of glass. I'm a New Yorker now. Fuggedabout it!
Jake: Yes. Forget about it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Boyle, have you seen Sergeant Jeffords?
Charles: Oh, do you mean Sore-gent Jeff-hurts?
Captain Holt: He didn't make it home last night, Boyle.
Charles: Oh, no. I'm so sorry.
Captain Holt: You should be. He could be in grave danger, and you just flippantly called him Sore-gent.
Charles: Oh, my God. I'm the worst. Who does that?
Captain Holt: Well, his car's still here, so I don't think he ever left the building. He's probably fine.
Charles: What? Then why did you make me feel so bad?
Captain Holt: To teach you a lesson about about the destructive power of wordplay.

Quote from Hitchcock

Captain Holt: Jeffords isn't in the evidence locker.
Charles: He's not in the file room, either. I mean, there's nowhere left to hide. I'm worried.
Scully: Actually, I think I know where he is. I could take you there, but you need to wear blindfolds.
Captain Holt: No.
Scully: Okay. I guess he'll just die in Supply Closet F, then.
Charles: He's in Supply Closet F!
Captain Holt: Great work.
Scully: I'm sorry. I feel so stupid.
Hitchcock: Oh, it's okay. They tricked you somehow. I still love you, buddy.

Quote from Gina

Gina: So, how'd it go last night?
Rosa: Worst date I've ever been on.
Gina: Oh, no, that sucks. Then why are you coming in to work so late? It's almost like you spent the night somewhere. I don't know, like, maybe the bartender's?
Rosa: Wait, what? How do you know that?
Gina: Because Aubrey is my friend, and she was the real set-up all along.
Rosa: No, no, no, no, no.
Gina: Yes, I knew you'd reject whoever I put in front of you. I mean, Trishelle was just a decoy. And you fell for it hook, line, and skinny margarita.

Quote from Gina

Rosa: Nicely done. Aubrey is great. We're going to dinner again tonight.
Gina: Whoo!
Rosa: I owe you an apology. You're a great matchmaker.
Gina: Thank you. And you know what? I'm just glad that you found the courage to tell me how great I am. It means so much.

Jake: Man, I was worried you were never gonna want to see me again.
Katie Peralta: Are you kidding? The way you stood up for me with Kurt, you're a great big brother. And I have so many other enemies. You're gonna be real busy.

Katie Peralta: Anyway, I should go. My plane's leaving. Come here.
Jake: Noice.
Katie Peralta: Toit.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Captain, if you wanted to be healthier, why not come to me? I'm ripped as hell.
Charles: Sarge, health is about flexibility and peace of mind and bone strength, not building vanity muscles.
Sergeant Jeffords: Vanity muscles? I use all of these.
Captain Holt: Really? Even the large neck ones?
Sergeant Jeffords: They help me sleep upright on airplanes!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Terry can do yoga. Terry is a yoga beast. Watch. Give me a yoga to do.
Charles: Ah, well, we're in warrior pose now, but I suppose for you we can start in child's pose.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry is not a child! Terry is a warrior.

Quote from Gina

Gina: What you looking at? Did the Kanye West cannibalism story finally break?
Rosa: What? Is that a thing?
Gina: Yeah. He eats tiny little bites of people when he hugs them goodbye. I tipped off Page Six, I don't know why they're sitting on it.

Quote from Jake

Jake: You're right. It's gonna be great. Just got to stay positive. We're gonna see each other from across the room, we'll lock eyes, I'll say "noice," she'll say "toit," and then six months later, we'll be on "The Amazing Race" together.

Quote from Amy

Jake: So, what I actually meant was, we should probably talk about the whole handcuffs at the airport thing.
Katie Peralta: I know. I'm so sorry. That was a really bad first impression.
It's just, I was on the plane and started to get really nervous about meeting you for the first time.
Jake: I was nervous to meet you too. My butt got hella sweaty. I told Amy. You can ask her.
Amy: Please don't.

Katie Peralta: So I went to the bathroom and started vaping to calm down.
Then this weird-ass lady comes up to me, and I'm like, bitch, you're trying to tell me your kid doesn't like the smell of cotton candy?

Quote from Jake

Amy: Right, but the only thing I don't get is why they would handcuff you for vaping.
Katie Peralta: Because they're the worst!
Jake: Yeah, Amy, 'cause they're the worst.
Katie Peralta: Also, I slapped a stewardess, real hard. With my fist.
Jake: Oh. So they were not the worst.

Quote from Jake

Jake: It's so crazy that we're finally meeting each other. So just forget about the plane. That's ancient history.
Katie Peralta: Really?
Jake: Yes. This trip was about us getting to know each other, so let's do that.
Katie Peralta: Okay.
Jake: What's your favorite scene in "Die Hard"?
Katie Peralta: Die what?
Jake: It's okay.
Amy: It's okay.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm totally fine. Here. I can prove it. [stands up slowly, groaning the whole way] I'm fine. See?
Captain Holt: You can't have thought that went well for you.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, that is nothing. The one parent-teacher conference my dad went to, he had sex with my teacher on top of the diorama I made of the first Thanksgiving.
Amy: Oh, no, he ruined all your hard work.
Jake: Oh, not really, it was just a bunch of Smurfs on a plate.

Katie Peralta: He came to visit once, and hooked up with my mom's entire book club. She can't see a copy of "A Prayer For Owen Meany" without fully weeping.

Quote from Amy

Katie Peralta: Anyway, that's my boring life in Dallas. But I'm here now, and I want to see the real New York. Let's like-
Amy: Walk across the Brooklyn Bridge?
Katie Peralta: Get tanked at the Times Square Olive Garden. And get our pictures taken with a human statue.
Amy: Right. The real New York.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: What do you want?
Gina: To find you love.
Rosa: Ugh.
Gina: Come on! Check it out: Dannika, 34. The only female trader-
Rosa: Pass. Finance people are the worst.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Look, she's a survivor. She's had a really hard life. And I thought it bad 'cause I would only see my dad for like an afternoon once a year, but compared to her, I was a real DJ Tanner. "Full House". Her dad was always around.
Amy: Yeah, I've seen "Full House".

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Time to go home. Oh, no. Terry can't move. Terry needs help.

Quote from Jake

Katie Peralta: Well, 55 minutes in the shower and that silver paint - will not come off.
Jake: Gross.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Right. Wait, I've got it. The only reason Kate wants to move here is because Kurt dumped her, but what if we can get him to take her back? Then she would definitely want to stay in Dallas!
Amy: Ooh, that's smart, but what if he's a rational person and he doesn't want to be with her anymore?
Jake: Not a problem. I found his Facebook page. He just posted a black and white photo of a dead flower with the hashtags "my heart," "Kate forever" and "love is dead.
Amy: He misses her for some reason.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Amy, this is it. He clearly already wants to get back together. All we have to do is convince him to fly here.
Amy: Jake, this might work.
Jake: Yes! But are we actually gonna do this? Are we really going to fly a man to New York City just to ensure that my new sister doesn't move here?
Katie Peralta: Hey, Amy, do you have a morning-after pill I could bomb? I will get you back.
Amy: Use. My. Miles.

Katie Peralta: Why are we going home? We haven't even done the "Sex and the City" tour. Oh, my gosh, I am such a "that one who fell through the sidewalk hole".
Jake: Yeah, you totally are.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Kate, you didn't tell us how handsome Kurt is. I love your ... jean shorts.

Quote from Jake

Jake: You're not good enough for my sister. I didn't realize you were this tall. Kurt. She's not going anywhere with you. Take your jean shorts and the butt that's in them and get out of my apartment.

Quote from Jake

Katie Peralta: So you were trying to get rid of me?
Jake: I mean, yeah, kinda. But I also just told off Kurt for being a jerk to you, so who's to say which thing we should focus on?

Quote from Jake

Jake: She's gonna do bad on "The Voice".

Quote from Amy

Jake: This is not on us. I mean, it was crazy for her to think moving to New York was a good idea, right?
Amy: Yes, it was unrealistic. Just like Mongkut thinking a ten-year-old American girl would pay his bail and help him seek vengeance on his brother.
Jake: You know, when I'm not distracted by this, I'd really love to hear the full Mongkut story.
Amy: It gets dark.
Jake: Yup.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, sis, have a safe flight. No vaping.
Katie Peralta: [singing] No promises!
Jake: She is bad at singing.

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