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Quote from the episode Lockdown

Amy: Oh, so your plan is to not take this seriously at all?
Jake: Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. No offense, Scully.
Scully: Nah. Mine are never that serious.
I call 'em "oopsies.

Quote from the episode Sabotage

Scully: You called us useless. You called us incompetent. You called us zeroes in the sack.
Boyle: Never happened.
Scully: Well, someone said it to me last night. Oh, must have been my wife.

Quote from the episode Sabotage

Hitchcock: All that investigating was exhausting. Besides, we did our share of that in the seventies and eighties. Now, we like to do paperwork in our comfy chairs.
Scully: If we're away from our desks for too long, they'll update our computers and we'll lose Minesweeper.

Quote from the episode Sabotage

Boyle: I gotta say. You guys are good cops.
Hitchcock: Yeah, no doy. How do you think we got to be the oldest guys here?
Boyle: By never being promoted and losing all your money to divorces.
Scully: And bad investments.

Quote from the episode Beach House

Hitchcock: Holt's the big fish we've been waiting for. We have an exciting investment opportunity to pitch him.
Jake: What?
Scully: It's an off-shore casino that's currently sunk off the coast of Delaware.

Quote from the episode M.E. Time

Scully: Well, how do you know he's even in a bad mood? It's impossible to read that guy.
-cut to-
Captain Holt: This is the most incompetent, worthless report I have ever read in my life. Get your act together, or so help me God, you won't live to see retirement.
-cut to-
Scully: It's like, what's the guy thinking? You know?

Quote from the episode Bad Beat

Scully: I miss my home chair.
Rosa: You miss a chair?

Quote from the episode The Venue

Captain Holt: What's going on here?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm throwing Teri-with-an-I's party with my own money. I didn't know her favorite kind of ice cream, so I printed a photo of her and showed it to all the ice cream places within 30 blocks. Nobody recognized her, so I got every flavor, 200 pints.
Scully: This is the greatest day of my life.
Captain Holt: Have you considered this Teri-with-an-I might not be an ice cream person?
Sergeant Jeffords: I did think that. That's why there's a taco bar coming.
Scully: Yes!
Sergeant Jeffords: Plus barbecue.
Scully: Yes!
Sergeant Jeffords: Plus a popcorn guy.
Scully: [laughing] Yes!
Sergeant Jeffords: Plus vegan options.
Scully: Why?

Quote from the episode Lockdown

Jake: We're doing fine here.
Scully: Not Hitchcock. He got trapped out on the balcony. I don't like him alone out there, not with his history. I mean, what if he gets up on a ledge?
Jake: What, you think he's gonna jump?
Scully: No, he's just always falling off things. He's got a worm living in his ear that affects his balance.

Quote from the episode House Mouses

Sergeant Jeffords: Where's Hitchcock? I'm taking you guys off your drug case.
Scully: Of course you are. Jake said you didn't believe in us.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? He didn't believe in you either. He was just pumping you up with lies so you'd work his case.
Scully: Jake, is this true?
Sergeant Jeffords: I just thought, you know, the two of you might be better off mousing around the old house.
Scully: Oh, I get it. Just because I got my finger stuck in a glue trap once, I'm a mouse? I got the cheese out, by the way.
Jake: Oh my God.

Quote from the episode Greg and Larry

Jake: H is for Holt. He's leading us right to him. Now all we have to do is follow the trail of chocolate.
Scully: This, this is why I became a cop.

Quote from the episode Greg and Larry

Jake: Wait, getting a text. It's Captain Holt.
Rosa: Where is he? What'd he say?
Jake: "Inib rue tiid." Wait, I'm getting another one. "Ink obrvs whiz." These are nonsense.
Scully: He's been gagged.
Jake: How would that come through in a text, Scully?

Quote from the episode Halloween

Amy: I passed a slutty tree on the way here. Who wants to have sex with a tree?
Scully: Was it a maple?

Quote from the episode Unsolvable

Rosa: Are those thumbtacks? What the hell, Scully?
Scully: I thought they'd make good confetti.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why?

Quote from the episode Windbreaker City

Agent Kendrick: What are your demands?
Jake: A guarantee that this drill doesn't end until one of us is dead.
Boyle: Also, one large pizza with fennel sausage - brick oven, otherwise it's sog city. And Scully needs some Gasinex, extra strength.
Scully: Chewable!

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