Hitchcock: All that investigating was exhausting. Besides, we did our share of that in the seventies and eighties. Now, we like to do paperwork in our comfy chairs.
Scully: If we're away from our desks for too long, they'll update our computers and we'll lose Minesweeper.

Charles: I gotta say. You guys are good cops.
Hitchcock: Yeah, no doy. How do you think we got to be the oldest guys here?
Charles: By never being promoted and losing all your money to divorces.
Scully: And bad investments.

Scully: You called us useless. You called us incompetent. You called us zeroes in the sack.
Charles: Never happened.
Scully: Well, someone said it to me last night. Oh, must have been my wife.

Jake: Rules are made to be broken.
Amy: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.
Jake: Uh, piñatas.
Rosa: Glow sticks.
Jake: Karate boards.
Rosa: Spaghetti when you have a small pot.
Jake: Rules.

Charles: You're useless. You are completely useless. You are, without a doubt, the most incompetent detectives I've ever seen. And I am including that bomb sniffing dog that humps all the bombs.

Jake: All right, fine. If you guys won't help me, I guess I'll just get myself off.
Context. Context was important on that one.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, Gina's dance concert was last night.
Captain Holt: Right. The Dancy Reagan performance.

Gina: Terry, I have already received your praise. I'm clearly fishing in another pond right now.

Captain Holt: I only lie when someone's safety is at risk. Or if a juvenile aged eight years or younger asks about Santa Claus.
Sergeant Jeffords: In which case?
Captain Holt: I feed them some reassuring pap about the logical impossibility of proving a negative. It's sentimental drivel, but they eat it up.

Jake: Okay. This is everyone I could think of who'd want to mess with my life. Perps, people I've testified against, the old guy who lived underneath me when I was learning the Gangnam style dance.

Charles: Anyway, sorry for calling you useless. I'm gonna make sure everyone knows you did good.
Scully: Boyle, please don't.
Hitchcock: The last thing we need is to suddenly be on everyone's A-list. The ones to watch. The golden boys.
Scully: A pair of red hot dicks.
Charles: No one calls detectives that any more.
Scully: People called detectives that?

Jake: My power went out last night and my alarm didn't go off.
Amy: Your alarm is power dependent? You brought this on yourself, son.

Jake: Captain, this is insane. I don't do drugs. Sure, a couple of my teeth are loose, but that's from dental neglect not meth.

Rosa: Or you didn't pay your bills and you only put a quarter-gallon of gas in your tank because you wanted to spend the rest on mini-mart beef jerky.
Jake: Wrong. I buy my beef jerky online from the world's top jerkmaster. So it looks like you need to update your jerk rolodex, which is not as dirty as it sounds.

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, I thought you might need a little more manpower.
Charles: Okay.
Sergeant Jeffords: So I'm assigning you a new partner. Actually, partners.
Hitchcock: Yeah, there's definitely something in there. Looks like a peanut.
Scully: Bet it's a cashew.
Hitchcock: You're on!
Charles: No! Sarge, come on. They're terrible.
Sergeant Jeffords: Stop exaggerating, Boyle. They're good detectives.
They're fine.
Scully: Oh no, I pushed it in deeper.
Sergeant Jeffords: They're all we've got.

Scully: Wait, I have a theory. I think limousine and magazine come from the same word.

Charles: The muggings were confined to Cabot Street. They began over two months ago.
Gina: Just like this briefing did. Please go to charisma class.

Charles: Look how cool and illegible his handwriting is. Oh, I wish I could be that free. But you know me, ever the calligrapher.

Amy: I can't believe I'm about to say this. I really wish you could come look at urine with us, but you can't. You're suspended. Go home.

Captain Holt: I'm sorry we missed the show. I know dancing is an important hobby to you.
Gina: Hobby? You think my dancing is a hobby?
Captain Holt: Oh, yes. Like me and antique collecting. It's thrilling but no one is ever going to pay me for it. Ergo, a hobby.

Gina: I get paid. In applause. But apparently not yours.

Rosa: You know your turning signals been on for thirty seconds.
Amy: I like to announce my turning intentions. This isn't the Indy 500.

Captain Holt: Gina, I want to tell you something. Dancing is more than a hobby for you. It's a profession.
Gina: Uh, so you're a liar like Terry now?
Captain Holt: No, I'm no bunny buying coward.

Amy: Or take advantage of this amazing city. Go sight-seeing. MOMA has an exhibit I'm dying to see. It's all about office chair design.

Jake: Fine, you can see my bank records. But I always pay my power bill. Often late. One time in person with Canadian pennies.

Gina: Attention everyone. The tragic sound you hear is the shredding of my spandi. Gina Linetti will never dance again.