Charles: Santiago, I know that you hate Halloween, but stick with me, and I promise you, you will love it.
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
Jake: "Kind, sober and fully dressed." Good news, everyone. We found the name of Santiago's sex tape!

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm a detective. I will detect.

Amy: I passed a slutty tree on the way here. Who wants to have sex with a tree?
Scully: Was it a maple?

Charles: What is all this?
Amy: You know how I think Halloween is for jerks? Well, this Halloween, I was the jerk. I'm sorry about tonight.
Jake: "I'm sorry about tonight." We found the title for Santiago's follow-up sex tape!

Gina: Being able to read Jake's handwriting is a gift. A useless, useless gift.

Captain Holt: I'm considering it. I'm interested. I agree to participate.

Jake: This gambit was designed to fail. It's just like in chess. Sometimes in order to win, you've got to sacrifice your king.
Captain Holt: That's exactly how you lose at chess. Have you ever played the game?

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, Jake, I love you like you're one of my daughters.
Jake: Really?

Amy: We got egged. Some of shell got in my contacts, and my hair, and my mouth, and my bra.
Jake: Can't tell if that's hot or not.
Amy: Not hot. Egg shell in my bra is not hot.
Jake: Well, it's kinda hot. Boobs go in a bra.

Rosa: Can't tell you how many nuns I wanted to beat up in Catholic school. Ten.
Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't know you went to Catholic school.
Rosa: Good. You shouldn't know it.

Captain Holt: Climbing the side of the building with a blowtorch? What were you thinking?
Jake: I was thinking I had better core strength. I got winded like ten feet up.

Sergeant Jeffords: So, I called your school, and I managed to get a hold of one Sister Bernadette.
Rosa: I remember that old bag. She was my favorite.

Jake: I'm just so sick of losing to Holt. I want that medal.
Gina: It's not real gold. I tried selling it online. Zero bids.

Jake: Captain, hi. I was just photo-copying some stuff.
Captain Holt: Are you trying to jam pigeons into my air conditioning vent to flush me out of my office?
Jake: Way to ruin the surprise.

Gina: I'm not gonna help you rob him, Jake. I'm his assistant, and I take that job incredibly seriously.
Jake: You're literally making paper airplanes out of police reports right now.
Gina: Well, how am I supposed to get it into that garbage can?

Hitchcock: Amy paid me fifty bucks to trade places with her for the rest of the night.
Charles: Really?
Hitchcock: Yeah. I'm going to use that money to buy two suits.

Jake: (To Holt) You have beautiful eyes.

Amy: People think if they put on a costume they can just get away with anything they want. Halloween is Christmas for jerks.

Captain Holt: Hmm, a poor winner. I never would have guessed.
Jake: Yeah, you would have.