Quotes from ‘The Vulture’

The Vulture

The Vulture
Season 1, Episode 5 - Aired October 15, 2013

Jake is close to solving a case when a detective from Special Crimes takes over, just in time to claim the credit. Meanwhile, Captain Holt and Gina trick Terry in to returning to a shooting range.

Quote from Jake

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Quote from Charles

Charles: You talking oldest bags? Sixty-eight.
Amy: That's not that old.
Charles: No, but I was only twenty.
Jake: Were you even a cop then?
Charles: No, man. It was before I got into the academy.
Rosa: Charles isn't talking about his oldest arrest.
Everybody: Ew!

Quote from Gina

Gina: Gina's authentic stolen police badges. How can I help?
Jake: Hey, it's Peralta.
Gina: Oh, hey, Jake.
Jake: Hey, do you carry a hair dryer in your purse?
Gina: Of course. I'm not an animal.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Captain Holt: Still waiting, sergeant.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's just, the target looks exactly like a friend of mine. It's freaking me out.
Captain Holt: You have a friend, who's just a silhouette?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes!

Quote from Charles

Jake: God, you had sex with a 68-year-old when you were in your twenties?
Charles: You know how it is. When you have a chance to bed an older woman, you-
Jake: No, that is not an older woman. That's an old woman! That's someone's grandma!
Charles: She was, actually. That's how I met her. Went to college with her grandson Marvin. Don't don't knock it till you try it. She had a replacement hip with some serious torque. It was like having sex with a Transformer.
Jake: No. That is no one's fantasy.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Give me your hair dryer.
Rosa: What?
Amy: What are you talking about?
Jake: Don't you carry one in your purse?
Amy: Have you ever met a human woman?

Quote from Charles

Charles: What if we wrap his motorcycle in plastic wrap and melt it with a hair dryer? Little trick I learned in gift basket making class.

Quote from The Vulture

The Vulture: I mean, what was it with Diaz's last "impossible" extortion case? What was it? Six hours?
Rosa: That's because it was 98% solved.
The Vulture: The last 2%'s the hardest to get. That's why they leave it in the milk.
Jake: What?

Quote from Gina

Gina: I wanna get certified. There has been a ton of crime in my neighborhood. And the cops in my precinct are very bad.
Captain Holt: You live in our precinct.
Gina: Yeah, I know.

Quote from Charles

The Vulture: You know, before I solve this case, I'd like to thank you for doing all the super-easy work, you know, the real Nancy Drew-level stuff.
Jake: Did Nancy Drew solve a lot of murders?
Charles: Yep, she did. Murder on Ice, Recipe for Murder. Nancy was a wonderful detective. I wanted to be her when I grew up.
Jake: Thanks, Charles. That's helpful.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Somebody's going to have to go down there. Someone with narrow shoulders.
Charles: No, I have broad shoulders. I have narrow hips, but broad shoulders.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I'm about to solve this case, meet the mayor, then sell my life rights to Channing Tatum so he can play my less attractive brother in the ensuing film.

Quote from Scully

Jake: Hey, you guys see the dude I brought in today The drug dealer? I think it's the oldest collar of my entire career.
Amy: I once arrested a 96-year-old for flashing. I was terrified he'd die in my backseat. Or flash me.
Rosa: My oldest collar was 78, but the PCP made her fight like she was 20.
Scully: What about two fifty-year-old twins? Does that count as a 100-year-old?

Quote from Charles

Sergeant Jeffords: Where are we on the Lincoln place murder?
Jake: Well, like I told Captain Holt earlier this week, we are at the one-yard line. It's a football reference.
Sergeant Jeffords: Yes, Jake. I played linebacker at Syracuse.
Charles: Really? In High School, I played center field in the musical damn Yankees.
Jake: Yeah, you don't want to brag about that.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Get ready for some stuff on a screen. Meet Fred Gorman Prominent citizen, lawyer, corpse. Now meet his wife, Ann Hoert. She did not take his last name, but I believe she did take his life.
Charles: Nice.
Jake: Thank you, Charles. Now, Hoert had means, motives, and opportunity. I just need to find the murder weapon. For some reason, the D.A. won't move forward with the arrest until we find the knife she used.
Captain Holt: Is that reason that they want to win the case?
Jake: Yes.

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: Sergeant Jeffords, my office.
Gina: Uh-oh. He probably wants to talk to you about how your shirts aren't tight enough probably.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Okay, fine. I will let one of you help me Charles.
Charles: Yeah!
Jake: And I am choosing Charles because he's the least likely to steal my thunder.
Charles: I would never steal his thunder. I-I'd be afraid to borrow it.

Quote from The Vulture

The Vulture: Hello, Peralta.
Jake: No, no, no!
The Vulture: I don't know why you're so upset, man. I'm the one who had to come to this backwater stink hole. [to Charles] What's up, little man?
Charles: What's up?
The Vulture: Feeling sexy? Huh?
Charles: Yeah, I feel sexy.
The Vulture: Yeah, you look sexy, man.
Charles: You know I do.
The Vulture: Watch out for that door. [to Sergeant Jeffords] Yo, how much you bench, seriously?

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: I can't believe you're just rolling over and giving my murder away to The Vulture.
Charles: We call him The Vulture because he swoops in and solves cases that are almost solved and takes the credit for himself.
Captain Holt: Yes, Boyle, I put that together from context.

Quote from The Vulture

The Vulture: Thanks, champ. Good effort. I got it from here. And, hey, you feel free to call me anytime you need me to come down here and help powder that big white ass of yours.

Quote from Rosa

Jake: I hate The Vulture so much!
Rosa: Me too. But he's kind of hot. What? You can hate people and still think they're hot. Case in point, Manuel Noriega.
Jake: You know what? I'm with you on this. Tonya Harding.
Rosa: Yeah, she's thick.

Quote from The Vulture

[montage:]
Rosa: On my count. One, two-
The Vulture: Three! I got it from here! Yeah! Get up! Get up! Turn around!
[cut to:]
Amy: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say-
The Vulture: Can and will be used against you in a court of law. Thanks, guys, I got it from here. Let's go. Beat it!
[cut to:]
Barista: Skim white chocolate macchiato for Charles.
The Vulture: I got it from here.
Charles: I used a gift card for that!

Quote from Charles

Jake: Okay, I'm buying everyone drinks as long as we're here thinking of a revenge plan. Best idea gets 50 bucks. Throw 'em on out.
Charles: What if you called him from a hospital and said his whole family is dead? Like, they died of cancer.
Jake: Charles, that is so dark. I'm putting it down.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Here's what we're up to. Steal his kidney, burn down his house, replace his aloe tissues with regular tissues. Thank you, Charles.
Charles: You're welcome.
Jake: Leave a dead cat in his cedar closet. Note, he would have to own a cedar closet.
Rosa: He seems like he would.
Jake: Sneak into his apartment and burn popcorn in the microwave. Thank you, Charles. Uh, Scully asked for mashed potatoes, so I wrote that down. Well, I hate to say it, but I think, by default, Charles' motorcycle idea is the winner.
Charles: Yeah! Winning by default.

Quote from Charles

Jake: I say we role-play, see if something sparks. Darling, thank you for a lovely dinner. Perhaps we should have one more drink before bed.
Charles: [high-pitched voice] Don't you "darling" me, you philanderer.
Jake: No, you're the husband. The husband had the affair.
Charles: I'm always the victim. I don't want to be the victim.
Jake: Okay, Charles is the door.
Charles: No. I'll be the victim. Don't make me a door again.

Quote from Hitchcock

Jake: All right, Hitchcock, you're up.
Hitchcock: The body. The corkscrew's still in the body.
Jake: No, you're terrible at this. Go sit down.

Quote from The Vulture

Captain Holt: Would you like to sit down, Detective? You seem upset.
The Vulture: Hell yeah, I'm upset. Your team disrupted a crime scene over which they have zero, zero, jurisdiction. They were publicly drunk. Apparently one of them pressed all the buttons on the elevator. Only, maybe he just bumped up against the panel with that big white ass of his.

Quote from Charles

Jake: [o.s.] Boyle, we're pulling you out!
Charles: [after falling down the trash chute] This is the proudest moment of my career. [hit on the head by a trash bag]

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: Before you get mad-
Sergeant Jeffords: Shut it! Holt was right. I've been so worried about my own kids, I forgot about my stupid grown-up kids.
Jake: That's insulting.
Sergeant Jeffords: I should've been on you guys more. And starting now, I will be. But if you ever do this again, I swear I will crush your head in one hand.
Jake: You don't mean that.
Sergeant Jeffords: Try me.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: All of you broke into a crime scene under the influence of alcohol, overstepped your jurisdiction, and disobeyed my direct orders. Everyone involved tonight is gonna get written up.
Jake: Okay, fine. Here's everyone who was there. Jake Peralta, J. Peralta, Dr.
Jacob Peralta, who has a PhD in slow-jam studies from Funktown State University, also involved was the right honorable J-
Captain Holt: Okay, enough.
Jake: My point is it was a Peralta special, sir. No one else was there.
Captain Holt: Well, Detective, I'm happy to see you're learning how to be part of a team. Everybody go home. Sleep it off.

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