Quotes from ‘Bad Beat’

Bad Beat

'Bad Beat' - Season 5, Episode 5

To track down the infamous arms dealer Dan "Daniel" Valdano (guest star David Figlioli), Jake and Terry go undercover at an illegal gambling club, but when Holt gets involved to coach the two in the art of poker, his addiction resurfaces. Meanwhile, Boyle buys a food truck that was formerly used in a brutal string of murders without telling his investor, Amy, and Hitchcock and Scully challenge Rosa to a "Butt-lympics".

Air Date: November 7, 2017.

Quote from Scully

Scully: I miss my home chair.
Rosa: You miss a chair?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: And I win again. Which is not surprising, given how you are both terrible. You don't even know the terminology.
Jake: What are you talking about? "Hit me."
Captain Holt: That is blackjack.
Jake: Snake-eyes.
Captain Holt: Craps.
Jake: Go Fish.
Captain Holt: And I believe that is Go Fish.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Yes, yes, come to papa. Raise it a grand! Call. Raise. A pair of candy canes. I'm all in, baby.
Jake: What are you doing, sir?
Captain Holt: Working the case. Sharpening my poker skills for Valdano.
Jake: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, and why are you watching this children's beauty pageant?
Captain Holt: For fun, obviously. No, Jayla, don't drop the baton. No, I had so much riding on you!

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Hot damn! Four queens. I call this hand the Golden Girls.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Now go get Valdano before you blow your covers. I'm off duty; what I do on my own time is my own business. Unlike you two who are still on the clock and are now being bad cops.
Jake: Wow, listen to you talking all smooth. But you can't fool us, sir. You might as well face it. You're addicted to math. Robert Palmer.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: It was the "shouldn't've" that finally tipped me off. I've never heard you use a double contraction before.
Captain Holt: And you never will again.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: Hey, standing desk. Look who's taking care of herself. Someone's not sitting down on the job.
Rosa: Hey. Sitting down on the job is damned hard work, and those heroes prove it every day. Mad respect.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Seriously, you guys should stand up once in a while. You know, for your hearts.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Damn, Cap. Are you secretly cool?
Captain Holt: Well, poker is just math, so I guess it depends on if you consider the mathematician Carl Friedrich Gauss cool.
Jake: I do not.

Quote from Charles

Charles: It's happening. Jake is gonna pop the question. He's gonna ask me to be his BM.
Rosa: No.
Charles: BM, best man, is a common abbreviation.
Rosa: No one but you has ever used it.

Quote from Charles

Jake: What do you say, bud? Will you be my BM?
Charles: Yes! Yes, a million times, yes! In your face, Terry!
Sergeant Jeffords: What? I'm holding a sparkler for you. I helped organize a lot of this.
Charles: Well, you can stick that sparkler up your butt. I'm the best man!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: Captain, allow me to introduce you to major East Coast arms dealer Dan "Daniel" Valdano. That's right, his nickname is longer than his actual name. Why's that, Terry?
Sergeant Jeffords: 'Cause he's a dick.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: The plan is, we go to the club tonight, show off our poker skills, and get an invite to the high stakes game. All we need is $15,000 to get in the door.
Captain Holt: That's a lot of money. How are your poker skills?
Sergeant Jeffords: [blows raspberry] A'ight.
Jake: Good.
Sergeant Jeffords: A'ight.
Jake: Hecka good.
Sergeant Jeffords: A'ight.
Jake: So good.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Perhaps I should see for myself.
Jake: Oh, do you play?
Captain Holt: I am ... A'ight.

Quote from Scully

Rosa: Sarge asked me to help you guys with some filing. Holy crap, this is gonna take all day.
Hitchcock: Yup, it's what we call an all-dayer.
Rosa: How long did it take you two to come up with that?
Scully: That was a two-dayer.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: You're not gonna bother actually walking?
Hitchcock: Why should we? We can work from down here. I'm sitting down as long as I can.
Scully: I'm not getting out of the chair till it's time to go home.
Rosa: Ugh.
Hitchcock: Oh, typical standing elite. You couldn't sit all day if you tried.
Rosa: What? You don't think I could outlast you turds in a chair?

Quote from Charles

Charles: Put this down: we got a truck.
Amy: What? Really? That's huge.
Charles: Take a look.
Amy: Is that the NYPD police auction site?
Charles: Yeah, that's how I found out about it. And there's our baby. Isn't she a-
Amy: Murder truck? That's the truck from the Tinga Time Taco murders!
Charles: Yes, two brothers were using a taco truck to move heroin and then were killed by the cartel that supplied them.
Amy: Not just killed, Boyle. Dismembered. Right in the truck.
Charles: Right in our truck. That's why it was such bargain. Everyone else was like, "Ooh, there's a knee in the fryer. I don't want to sell food out of this."
Amy: They found a knee in the fryer?
Charles: Exactly. You get it. Well, now I get to go pick it up. Oh, almost forgot my hazmat suit.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Fine. Jake stinks, but I can play.
Captain Holt: Yes, but you have a rather unfortunate tell: your right breast.
[flashback]
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, no. My cards are terrible. (Terry's right breast visibly twitching)
Captain Holt: Sure they are.
[present]
Sergeant Jeffords: Dammit, Eugene, you sold me out!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Captain, do I have a tell?
Captain Holt: No, you don't understand the game well enough to have a tell.
Jake: Yeah, that makes sense.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Here's your persona: you're Billy "Big Time" Jankowski. You wear sunglasses, headphones, and an unwashed hoodie. You normally gamble online, from your mother's basement, where you live.
Jake: Seems unnecessary.
Sergeant Jeffords: The hoodie hides your sunglass-camera's electronics.
Jake: I more meant the living in my mom's basement virgin vibe.
Captain Holt: You added the virgin, but I like it. It's part of your backstory now.
Jake: But-
Captain Holt: You're a virgin. That's an order.
Jake: But I don't want to be a virgin again.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: All clear. No poopers. Repeat: No poopers.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Any poopers?
Sergeant Jeffords: All clear.

Quote from Charles

Amy: I can't believe you're leaning into the murder thing.
Charles: Well, it'll get people talking. Check out the menu. It's printed on a crime scene photo.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, Valdano's gonna be there tonight, and the recording device in the watch is transmitting. I feel like Bond. Terry Bond.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: Come on, let's tell Holt we're prepped for tonight.
Sergeant Jeffords: I gotta say, I was wrong about him. He had no problem walking away last night. He left a lot of hams in that crate. Juicy. Spiral-cut, honey-sweet but salty-
Jake: Sarge, come back to me.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? You're the one that brought up ham.
Jake: That was you.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh no. He is deep in the ham crate.

Quote from Jake

Jake: So I'm sorry. Terry, you went to Jersey for pizza?
Sergeant Jeffords: I had a problem, man!
Jake: Right, sorry.

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: I just want walk up to the hot dog stand out front and get a fresh wiener.
Scully: Oh, man. Why did you say that? Now I want one.
Rosa: So you should go get one.
Scully: Oh, and let you win? You're just trying to get us to stand up.
Rosa: No. We should all go get one in our chairs.
Hitchcock: She's right. The only thing holding us back is society.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I'm glad you get your money back. You can invest it in something you actually believe in instead of my balls. Now if you'll excuse me, I have 50 pounds of meat I have to return before it goes rotten. Like my dreams.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: What happened to not wanting to gamble anymore for Kevin?
Jake: Sir, you are spiraling. You lied straight to our faces.
Captain Holt: Well, that's on you. If you could spot my tell, you would've known.
Jake: Fine. What's your tell?
Captain Holt: Let's just say, I'm doing it right now. I'm doing it at this very moment.
Jake: Is it standing up?
Captain Holt: I've just done it again. Whoops, there's another time.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: There was a pooper.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: And, Jake, before we go, I need to admit one more thing.
Jake: Of course, anything.
Captain Holt: When I made you tell that table that you were living in your mother's basement, it wasn't for the case. I was just messing with you.
Jake: Oh, well played, sir. But the joke's on you. My mother has a fantastic basement. Title of your sex tape. Too soon? All right, let's go.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I am so relieved. I thought maybe he was gonna ask one of Amy's brothers or, ugh, Sarge.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, man, come on.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, so I know this is a lot to ask-
Charles: No, it's not. I want to do it.
Jake: You want to cover my shift this weekend so I can go to the White Plains Mall and meet Darryl Strawberry at the opening of a cellphone store?
Charles: Yes. It's exactly what I was hoping you'd ask.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: We got a warrant to bug him, but his house is a fortress and he never goes anywhere in public.
Jake: Luckily, CI just gave us a break. Valdano's gonna actually leave his house to go to a high stakes poker game this Friday. If we can get a seat at that table, we can lose this watch to him. And guess what?
Jake: It's-
Captain Holt: Bugged!
Jake: Yes, it's bugged. Good guess, Captain.

Quote from Scully

Hitchcock: Honey, you don't have the ass for it.
Rosa: Let's talk terms.
Hitchcock: Both cheeks on the cushion at all times.
Rosa: Obviously. Bathroom breaks?
Scully: Two and a half minutes every three hours.
Rosa: But you gotta roll the chair fully into the stall.
Hitchcock: Obviously.
Rosa: Okay. Let's do this.
Scully: Welcome to the Buttlympics.

Quote from Amy

Charles: I call to order the meeting of investors in the forthcoming Charles Boyle owned-and-operated food truck venture.
Amy: I know I'm the only investor, but is it cool if I take minutes?
Charles: Yes.

Quote from Jake

Jake: What about you? What's your tell?
Captain Holt: It is subtle. You will never discern it.
Jake: Oh, really? Well, challenge accepted. Tell me a lie.
Captain Holt: You're both great at poker and I'm not gonna cancel the mission.
Jake: Nope, I couldn't see it.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Addiction is nothing to fool around with. I had food issues. I ate a crate of hams once.
Jake: Yeah, and look at you now. You're like a super-jacked He-man guy, right?

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, let's get back in there and suck out two runners down by the river. Did I say that right?
Captain Holt: Not even close.
Jake: Yeah, I didn't think so.

Quote from Scully

Rosa: Nine hours and 55 minutes.
Hitchcock: Is it? I feel like I just sat down.
Scully: I have no feeling down there whatsoever. [stabs a pencil into his thigh] I haven't in years.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Hot damn! Peralta, say "hot damn."
Jake: Hot damn!
Captain Holt: Now you say it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hot damn!

Quote from Charles

Amy: Can we talk about the murder truck we just purchased with our very hard-earned money?
Charles: Oh, Amy, wait till you see her. I spent all night pressure-washing her, and she is spotless.
Amy: Yeah, it's just, what if word gets out that our food truck was the site of a double homicide?
Charles: What if word gets out? It's in the "Our Story" section of the menu. We're calling it Murder Truck!
Amy: We are?
Charles: Yeah! It was your idea.
Amy: No, it was my greatest fear.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: Well, technically I'm the one wearing the watch, so that would make you Q at best.
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry Q.
Jake: Yeah. Way to roll with it.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Don't you think you have a bit of a problem here, sir?
Captain Holt: I'm in complete control. Now, Terry, come over here and dangle me off the edge of this building.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, I am not going to dangle you off the side of this building.
Captain Holt: You're fired. Peralta, let me climb onto your shoulders.
Jake: I can't.
Captain Holt: You're fired. No one works here anymore.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Relapsing is nothing to be ashamed of. A couple years ago on my birthday I treated myself to one piece of pizza. I woke up the next morning in a Sbarro on the Jersey Turnpike. It wasn't even open!

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I can stop whenever I want.
Sergeant Jeffords: Then stop.
Captain Holt: I don't want.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Ugh, how long have we been sitting? My butt's lost track of time.
Scully: Coming up on 32 hours.
Rosa: [sighs] I miss the little things. Showers. Feeling my feet. Standing.

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: I got it. No! My ass. It left the chair.
Scully: I'm sorry, man.
Hitchcock: No. It was my time.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: There's Valdano. The watch is transmitting. All you have to do is lose it to him. Worst of luck to you.
Jake: Don't worry, Terry. I'm about to crap the bed.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: I don't understand. Even if you wanted to gamble, why come here, where we'd be?
Captain Holt: I lost some money on lame little Jayla, and I realized that's because I've been gambling instead of being down here doing what I'm good at math.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Bye-bye "Toxic". Bye-bye "Party in the USA".
Amy: Hey, Charles. What are you doing?
Charles: I'm deleting all the upbeat music off my computer.
Amy: I know you're down, but-
Charles: Bye-bye "Swish Swish Bish".

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey there, Captain Holt. We just saved your big ol' butt. Hello, Dan "Daniel" Valdano. Guess what.
Sergeant Jeffords: You're a dick!

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