Jake: Okay, here it goes. Ames, I love you. I love how smart you are. I love how beautiful you are. I love your face, and I love your butt. I should've written this down first.
Amy: No, no, it's okay. Go on.
Jake: I love how much you pretend to like Die Hard.
Amy: I like the second one.
Jake: You don't have to.
Amy: Okay.
Jake: Yeah. You're kind, and you're funny, and you're the best person I know, and the best detective. Also, for reals, I love your butt.
Amy: I love yours too.
Jake: Gross. Amy Santiago will you marry me?
Amy: Jake Peralta, I will marry you.

Jake: Halloween. Mua-ha-ha-ha. It's heist time. Argh!
Amy: Thought you could get a head start on heist prep? Good luck. I'm already dressed.
Jake: Well, I'm also dressed, and I made breakfast. Wait, where are my eggs?
Captain Holt: In my belly. [BOTH SCREAM] Now get a move on, it's heist time.
Jake: I love Halloween!

Jake: [flashback] Mr. Santiago, I'm calling to inform you that I plan to ask your daughter to marry me, but since it's 2017, I am not asking you for your permission, as she is not your property, nor would she be mine, if she chooses to say yes. She's a strong independent woman, and she don't need no man. That being said, I truly hope she says yes. But it's her decision, so just back off!
Amy: Aww, that was perfect. What did he say?
Jake: I have no idea, I left a voicemail. I'm terrified of him.

Captain Holt: Cheddar! Where is my dog?
Sergeant Jeffords: Aren't you standing right next to him?
Captain Holt: This bitch? Please.

Captain Holt: Wait a minute this isn't the championship cummerbund. This is some common cummerbund. And you're not Cheddar. You're just some common bitch.

Jake: Look, no one gave me the idea. I decided to ask Amy to marry me all on my own on April 28th.
[flashback:]
Amy: [GASPS] There's a typo in this crossword puzzle.

Jake: The only way we're gonna win is if we team up.
Amy: Good point. I guess my response is ... rot in hell, crap-face! [GASPS] Also, I love you, and I treasure you, and ya bore me.
Jake: God, you're being so mean. Do it more.

Captain Holt: Cheddar? Cheddar? Shake. Ah, good grip, pristine coat. That's my doggie! You betrayed me. You'll explain yourself later. Return to my office.

Jake: Insult me all you want, for I have only this to say-
Both: Victory shall be mine!
Amy: I heard you practicing in the shower. You can't surprise me. Letting me into your life was the worst mistake you ever made.
Jake: Cool, fun take on our relationship.

Rosa: Hey, Gina just texted me. She said, "Weird, I didn't even realize they were dating. JK, so happy for you bitches."

Captain Holt: None of you stand a chance against me. No courage, no patience, no brains, and, of course, a bald old man.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm younger than you.
Captain Holt: No comeback for the bald thing, I see.

Sergeant Jeffords: It was eight weeks.
Rosa: I also went to prison, dog.

Captain Holt: So, where on Gina's mobile should I place this moonless Jupiter? I pity the child who lies beneath this solar system.

Captain Holt: And no one won the heist.
All: Captain!
Jake: Get over it, ya jag!
Amy: Yeah, ya jag!

Hitchcock: Hey, Captain, something's going on with this heist. You tell us everything you know, and we'll tell you everything we know.
Captain Holt: I'd rather not.
Scully: [CHUCKLES] Jokes on you, we don't know anything.
Captain Holt: Well, good day then.

Captain Holt: Well, if I'm sweating, as you claim, it's because I was watching an exciting video on the net.
Hitchcock: Really? What?
Captain Holt: It was a video of an American gymnast. His leotard ripped, exposing his butt. It was highly erotic.
Hitchcock: You're lying. I.T. just installed blocker software, thanks to moi.
Captain Holt: Uh, yes, but they didn't install it on my computer, because I'm a captain.
Hitchcock: You don't look hot and bothered at all to me. Show us the erotica.
Captain Holt: Gentlemen, I assure you, there's nothing to see.

Rosa: [on radio] Check in, Boyle, check in.
Charles: Uh-oh, Jake, they check in every ten minutes, and I have to respond with a code only we know.
Jake: [to the radio] I am a Tramp.
Rosa: [on radio]- Copy that.
Jake: Did I guess it? Did I guess the code? I couldn't hear what Rosa said back, but was that right?
Charles: You got it.
Jake: Yeah, I thought so, okay.

Captain Holt: I know one of you took Cheddar, and you did it for the sake of the heist, but if anything happens to him, I will end you. I couldn't bring myself to neuter Cheddar, but I will neuter you all.

Amy: Terry also loved the show. This is him.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, no, I love Elisabeth Moss. Terry thought the show was too bleak.

Charles: Look, Sarge, I think everyone knows that I planted the idea in Jake's head eight years ago.
Amy: [flashback] Oh, hi, I'm starting today. Detective Santiago.
Jake: Oh, Detective Peralta. Welcome aboard.
Charles: I'm hearing wedding bells. Hi, Detective Boyle.
Amy: [present day] That actually really slowed things down. It took, like, four years for me to forget that memory.
Charles: Yeah, I'm my own worst enemy.

Jake: Some of you have asked me what got me through prison. Was it my family? Don't be stupid. Was it knowing that my friends would eventually get me out? Of course not, I never believed in any of you. No, the only thing that kept me sane was planning for the Halloween heist those many years doing hard time.

Captain Holt: Well, I for one think you're perfect for each other-
Jake: Feel like there's gonna be more.
Captain Holt: Because you're both losers.
Jake: There it is.

Jake: They fell for it.
Charles: Hook, line, and sphincter.
Jake: It's sinker.
Charles: No, it's sphincter. That's where you put the hook in when you're eeling.
Jake: Well, I never use that expression again.

Jake: Will you please help me get out of this? It's not for the heist. I just really have to pee.
Amy: I know you don't drink water. You pee once every two days. And you went this morning.
Jake: Damn it, you know me so well.

Amy: I don't understand, who took it?
Rosa: We haven't heard from Charles in an hour. Maybe he betrayed The Tramps. Oh, God, I just called us The Tramps. What have I become?

Jake: All right, how about this? I've got top secret info about various dealings. If you let me out of these cuffs, I'll share it with you.
Amy: What kind of info?
Jake: Well, first off, Wolf Gina-
Amy: Was just a ruse so you and Charles could steal the belt.
Jake: Yeah-huh, but also-
Amy: Charles teamed up with Rosa and Terry to form The Tramps.
Jake: Gah! How did you know that?
Amy: I gave Charles the idea last year.

Rosa: it's really cool that you guys opened it up to anyone.
Jake: Thanks. Yeah, we talked about it, and we just felt like it was only fair.
Rosa: I was being sarcastic. You all suck, and I hope Jake goes back to jail.
Jake: Oh, cool, I'm glad everyone feels comfortable joking about that.
Rosa: Not joking.

Jake: We're getting off track here.
Captain Holt: No, we're not, dog. Peralta's just trying to play the sympathy card so we all go easy on him. I'd rather send you back to prison than see you win.

Sergeant Jeffords: Not to talk out of turn, but I think I get credit for giving Jake the idea to propose.
Jake: How's that?
Sergeant Jeffords: Remember? That day in the kitchen. [flashback] So, what I'm saying is, vanilla yogurt is good, but pair it with a blueberry yogurt, and both of them taste even better. Get it?
Jake: Yes?
Jake: [present day] I did not get it, but speaking of yogurt, you've eaten six GPS devices this week. You should see a doctor.

Amy: This year, the competition is not limited to winners of the past heists.
Jake: That's right. Any man, or woman - #Resist - can enter. It's open to everyone.

Jake: - Okay, this year, we compete for the most elegant and regal of all prizes-
Captain Holt: A championship cummerbund.
Jake: Or belt, as normal people call it.
Captain Holt: Belt! I'd like to see the pair of slacks whose loops are large enough for this belt. No, it is a cummerbund.
Jake: Well, whatever it is-
Captain Holt: Cummerbund.

Captain Holt: So, since Peralta altered the cummerbund, no one really won the heist this year. Is that what everyone's thinking?
Sergeant Jeffords: Captain!
Captain Holt: Right, right, sorry. Not the time. I'm so happy for you both. Technically, there was no winner. Continue.

Amy: I'm so confused I don't know what's happening right now.
Jake: "I'm so confused I don't know what's happening right now," title of your sex tape.
Amy: Oh, my God, I'm shaking. I'm definitely gonna cry. Title of your sex tape.

Amy: The dust pattern on top doesn't match its neighbors. You see, Jake, I'm always gonna be one step ahead of you. You've lost the ability to surprise me. Ya just plain boring.
Jake: Again, weird take on a very loving relationship.

Amy: What did you give fake Charles so he'd help you?
Jake: Nothing. In fact, he gave me something, the power of financial freedom. I invested in a pyramid scheme. It's no time to go into it right now.

Amy: Do you guys think all that radiation is bad for him?
Jake: I'm sure he'll be fine.
Captain Holt: He's lived a long life already.

Amy: Uh-oh, it's not turning. Jake: I guess I'm not quite as predictable as you thought. And I also bet none of you can predict what I'm gonna do next.
Rosa: Use your key to open the safe and act like a dick about it?
Jake: Yes, obviously that's what I'm gonna do, Rosa. You just have to be so spot-on all the time.

Jake: And the lock is turning, and the safe is ... empty? What?
Captain Holt: There's no cummerbund?
Jake: Never was. It was always a belt.

Charles: Nice, Sarge! Keep lifting heavy stuff like that, and maybe you'll work off some of that bulk, huh?
Sergeant Jeffords: What?

Hitchcock: Hello. Blessed be the fruit, baby.
Rosa: Hitchcock, you watch that show?
Hitchcock: Watch what? That's my pickup line.

Sergeant Jeffords: Everybody stop undressing. We just had harassment training.

Amy: I told you, I'll always be one step ahead of you. You can't surprise me. Ya boring.

Scully: Wait, why are you sweating?
Captain Holt: I'm not sweating.
Scully: No, I've had enough heart attacks to know what sweating looks like, and that's sweat.

Sergeant Jeffords: Good job, guys.
Charles: Oh, nothing can stop this Tramp train.
Rosa: Boyle, stop finding variations on a word we hate.

Rosa: "Handmaid's Tale." This is Amy. She won't shut up about how relevant that show is - in today's political landscape.
Amy: It's relevant as hell, but I'm not doing anything.

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm just interested in your comings and goings, because I care about you as a friend.
Amy: Okay, friend, I went to the bathroom.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, you were gone a long time, friend. You feeling okay, friend?
Amy: No, it was number two, and it was very intense, friend.

Jake: Now, if everyone would rise. Rise like the army of the dead, and follow me into the bullpen of destiny. This heist, the belt will not be locked up or hidden away. It will be suspended from the ceiling in plain sight for all to see.
Captain Holt: How poetic. It will hang just out of reach, like Tantalus's fruit.
Jake: Yes, that's where I got the inspiration from, Greek mythology, not an episode of the Nickelodeon show "Guts."

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm sick of you, Amy, and Holt winning.
Rosa: You're all so damn smug.
Charles: Yeah, you guys may be champs, but this year this year belongs to The Tramps.
Jake: Charles, that's a bad name.
Charles: Ha, you're just jealous. Everyone loves it.
Rosa: No.
Sergeant Jeffords: Nuh-uh.

Jake: Didn't think I could get out of my cuffs, did you, Boyle? But you forgot about one important thing-
Charles: NutriBoom.
Jake: NutriBoom! That's right. I'm in the President's Circle now.