Rosa: Nine hours and 55 minutes.
Hitchcock: Is it? I feel like I just sat down.
Scully: I have no feeling down there whatsoever. [stabs a pencil into his thigh] I haven't in years.

Jake: Hitchcock, can you top it?
Hitchcock: Mine has mother's hospital bed.
Amy: Okay, Scully?
Scully: I got this one red door I've never been able to open and I hear screams behind it sometimes. But it's probably just the wind.
Jake: Okay, that's actually too scary.

Amy: Oh, so your plan is to not take this seriously at all?
Jake: Oh, I am as serious as a heart attack. No offense, Scully.
Scully: Nah. Mine are never that serious. I call 'em "oopsies".

Hitchcock: All that investigating was exhausting. Besides, we did our share of that in the seventies and eighties. Now, we like to do paperwork in our comfy chairs.
Scully: If we're away from our desks for too long, they'll update our computers and we'll lose Minesweeper.

Scully: I miss my home chair.
Rosa: You miss a chair?

Captain Holt: Yes, yes, come to papa. Raise it a grand! Call. Raise. A pair of candy canes. I'm all in, baby.
Jake: What are you doing, sir?
Captain Holt: Working the case. Sharpening my poker skills for Valdano.
Jake: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, and why are you watching this children's beauty pageant?
Captain Holt: For fun, obviously. No, Jayla, don't drop the baton. No, I had so much riding on you!

Jake: It was the "shouldn't've" that finally tipped me off. I've never heard you use a double contraction before.
Captain Holt: And you never will again.