Quotes from ‘The Venue’

The Venue

'The Venue' - Season 5, Episode 6

The always unwelcome Vulture pops back into Jake and Amy's lives, threatening to swoop in and take something important away from them. Meanwhile, Boyle and Rosa must track down "Sergeant Peanut Butter," the kidnapped NYPD horse that Charles envies, and Holt challenges Terry to be less image-conscious.

Air Date: November 14, 2017.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, can I get $350 in petty cash? I need to throw an ice cream party for Teri-with-an-I, make sure there's no hard feelings.
Captain Holt: Why? She gets it was a misunderstanding. She's a Teri, and you're a Terrance who, even though he's not a child, still goes by a nickname ending in a Y.
Sergeant Jeffords: I mean, don't people call you Ray?
Captain Holt: How dare you.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Attention, Nine-Nine. We have an announcement.
Charles: "Shrek Live" is coming back to Broadway!
Jake: Nope, you dreamed that.
Charles: Aw.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Teri: Excuse me?
Sergeant Jeffords: I said, "Terry's got butt for days!"
Teri: Please stop talking about my body.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?
Teri: I'm Teri. You just said I had "butt for days."
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, I see what just happened. Terry's gonna regret this.
Teri: Are you threatening me?
Sergeant Jeffords: No! No, no. This is a misunderstanding. My name is also Terry, and I was talking about my butt.
Teri: So you were complimenting your own body?
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, I'm pretty proud of it. Do you know how old I am?
Teri: Okay. Apology accepted. Seems pretty arrogant, though.
Captain Holt: This might not be the right time, but talking about yourself in the third person has finally-
Sergeant Jeffords: Terry knows!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Wait, what's wrong? Something's wrong. That's the look my mom gave me right before she told me that my dad left. Oh, God, did my dad leave my mom again? How do you know my mom and dad?

Quote from Jake

Jake: Nothing makes sense anymore. The Vulture's not the Vulture, good is bad, up is down, there's a young pope, winter has come. That reminds me: I ordered some premium cable channels.

Quote from Charles

Rosa: You okay?
Charles: Yeah, no burns. The doctor said I was lucky my body was so damp.

Quote from Charles

Charles: No, look. Daily News got it right. Yeah."Hero Cop Saves Helpless Buffoon." Oh, no. Am I the buffoon?

Quote from Scully

Captain Holt: What's going on here?
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm throwing Teri-with-an-I's party with my own money. I didn't know her favorite kind of ice cream, so I printed a photo of her and showed it to all the ice cream places within 30 blocks. Nobody recognized her, so I got every flavor, 200 pints.
Scully: This is the greatest day of my life.
Captain Holt: Have you considered this Teri-with-an-I might not be an ice cream person?
Sergeant Jeffords: I did think that. That's why there's a taco bar coming.
Scully: Yes!
Sergeant Jeffords: Plus barbecue.
Scully: Yes!
Sergeant Jeffords: Plus a popcorn guy.
Scully: [laughing] Yes!
Sergeant Jeffords: Plus vegan options.
Scully: Why?

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Sergeant, you've become unhinged. There's always gonna be people in this world who don't like you. That's a fact of life.
Sergeant Jeffords: I hear you, sir. But I hate the feeling of people being mad at me.
Captain Holt: So what? I was voted least friendly in high school, and here I am, a police captain. Do you know what Mr. Popularity, Vincent Mondale, is doing these days? He's a sociologist, for God's sake. Sociologist, Terry.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Are you kidding me? That's uh-nothing. Diaz has been chucking D-holes into my mouth-piece since we were back at the academy.

Quote from Scully

Jake: Heads!
Scully: What the? [catches d-hole in his mouth] It's finally happening!

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Wow! Finding a place in the spring in New York is impossible.
Sharon and I had to get married in Albany in December. Terry was too cold to consummate.

Quote from Jake

Amy: We got really lucky. The place was booked solid for the next two years, but a couple fell out.
Jake: Of a fifth-floor window. She was teetering and he tried to grab her-
Amy: Babe, we agreed we wouldn't talk about that part.
Jake: Right, sorry. It was gruesome. Never again. The EMTs said that it was a meat pancake. I'm done.

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: I have some unfortunate news. An NYPD officer has gone missing. The department suspects foul play.
Charles: Oh, my God. Do we know the officer?
Captain Holt: Yes, it's Sergeant Peanut Butter.
Charles: My nemesis.
Rosa: Your nemesis is a horse?
Sergeant Jeffords: Are you still mad at Peanut Butter because he won a medal the same day as you?
Charles: He totally upstaged me. He Tucci-ed me! Look what you get if you do an image search of "Charles Boyle, medal of valor." Huh? They cropped me out of my own photo!
Rosa: You just keep that tab open on your phone all the time?
Charles: No, I just looked it up real fast. You didn't see.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: The actual suspect is Jesse Gurmwald, a disgruntled civilian admin who was recently fired by the mounted unit. He's gone to ground, but detectives throughout the city are checking every possible hideout. Diaz, Boyle: here's a list of locations in our precinct. Be thorough.
Charles: Yes, sir. And just to be clear, if I went missing, you guys would conduct an equally thorough search, right?
Captain Holt: You should get going.

Quote from Jake

Jake: A Nakatomi Plaza cake? The groom is on a licorice hose.
Amy: [as Bruce Willis] Welcome to the wedding, pal.
Jake: Oh, Amy. These nups may be getting too toit.

Quote from Amy

Amy: But we had an oral agreement. You said we had until the end of the day EOD. It's not EOD. The D hasn't E'd. It won't be E'd for ages!

Quote from Charles

Charles: Why do we even have police horses anymore? We have motorcycles now. They're faster, cooler. They also don't get boners in the background of every photo of you and the mayor.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Look at this: "Jean, your selflessness "puts us all to shame. Humbled, Michelle Obama."
Both: Damn, Jean.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Well, if that's true, then you won't mind walking across the bullpen without saying hello to anybody.
Sergeant Jeffords: [scoffs] No problem.
Captain Holt: No nods allowed.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: You were right. Terry loves to be loved!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Up is up, down is down, the Vulture still boinks!

Quote from Jake

Jake: I can't believe that bastard is cheating on nice Jean.
Amy: We have to save her. We have to break them up.
Jake: For nice Jean!
Amy: And the starving kids.
Jake: And Michelle Obama.
Amy: And a little side benefit: if we break them up, we get our venue back.
Jake: Yes, but the main reason is to save a wonderful person from making a horrible mistake.
Amy: Of course. That's obviously the point. The venue is just secondary.
Jake: What venue? We're great people.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, so the Vulture is cheating on Jean Munhroe, which totally tracks, because he is the epitome of awful.
Amy: Ooh, nice use of "epitome."
Jake: Thanks, babe.

Quote from Jake

Jake: My question is, why pretend to change? I mean, why get married at all?
Amy: I'll tell you why. Because Jean's dad is worth $100 million, and she's his only heir.
Jake: Then why did she need our $1,000? I mean, I'm so happy we gave the money so the kids could have rice and et cetera.

Quote from Jake

Amy: So, let's create a temptress that will boink-match with him.
Jake: Yeah.
Amy: What's the sexiest name?
Jake: Valerie.
Amy: That was fast. Do you know a Valerie?
Jake: [chuckling] No. I wish.

Quote from Amy

Jake: All right, she's 19, from Daytona, and her job is "spray tannist."
Amy: Ugh, "tannist." Not a real word. It's perfect.

Quote from Amy

The Vulture: You guys got it all wrong. I don't care that she's rich. Look, I love her. I just got spooked. You put a vulture into a cage, and [squawks] It freaks out.
Amy: Actually, vultures do very well in captivity and they mate for life.
Jake: Research burn.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Reese Witherspoon is optioning the Peanut Butter story? What?

Quote from Rosa

Charles: "Exclusive Dash Cam Footage Reveals Hero Cop Saved Sergeant Peanut Butter." I don't understand. How'd they get this?
Rosa: Somebody must have leaked it. Perfect partner isn't a horse. The perfect partner is somebody who, no matter how much they hate you, would run through a fire to save your life.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Whoa, all this is for me?
Rosa: Yep. You saved Peanut Butter, even though he's a dick.
Charles: He is a dick.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Listen up, everybody! We are getting married in a public rec center!
Jake: Super cheap!
Amy: On a basketball court!
Jake: Squeak-squeak!
Amy: With one working bathroom!
Jake: Ladies gotta wait!
Amy: And it's in deep Staten Island.
Jake: Destination wedding, y'all! But the point is, these nuptials are still gonna be mad toit. I would marry you in a dumpster.
Amy: Aww, I would marry you in a dumpster.

Quote from Jake

Charles: So, tell us about the venue.
Amy: Oh, well, there's not much to tell other than it's a gorgeous mansion!
Jake: Big ol' house!
Amy: With a professional kitchen.
Jake: Chop-chop, y'all!
Amy: Ooh. A private library for the ceremony.
Jake: My girl loves books!
Amy: Seven bathrooms!
Jake: No lines, ladies!
Amy: And an outdoor reception area.
Jake: Uh, can I get a gazebo? [imitates a record scratching] I apologize to a host of communities.

Quote from Jake

Jake: The point is, these nuptials are going to be "toit"!
Amy: Speaking of "toit nups," we better get going, because we don't have a lot of time and we have to meet with 17 wedding vendors.
Jake: A jam-packed schedule that could only be achieved by a type-A personality!

Quote from Charles

Rosa: Captain, I solved it. Charles kidnapped Peanut Butter.
Charles: [laughs sarcastically] I did not. But it's no surprise that somebody did.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, my kids love that horse.
Charles: Your kids need help wiping their butts, Sarge. They're not exactly geniuses. [Holt holds Jeffords back]

Quote from Jake

Jake: Could we wrap the flowers in "New York Times" crossword puzzles from key dates in our lives?

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Legs for an hour, two hours blasting the glutes. Terry's got butt for days!

Quote from Amy

Amy: I love our venue so much.
Jake: Me too. It's like our very own Hogwarts.
Amy: Yes! And I'm Hermione.
Jake: Yes! And I am Snape.
Amy: What?

Quote from Jake

Jake: I never realized I could have feelings this strong about a building.
Amy: Okay, we just have to drop off our deposit, and then we're done for the day.
Jake: [in posh British accent] Well, it would appear that we have achieved what scholars refer to as the "toitest of nups"!
Amy: [in British accent] Indeed!

Quote from The Vulture

Jake: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What's your game here, Vulture, huh? Why are you renting our venue?
The Vulture: Why do you think, meat farts? I'm getting married.

Quote from The Vulture

Amy: Really? You once told me that marriage is for women and gays.
Jake: And that the only thing you're married to is banging married chicks.
The Vulture: Yeah, and I meant it all. But love? Love hath changed me.
Jake: No it hathn't. You just vultured our venue.
The Vulture: Yeah, but I did it for love. My fiance, she means everything to me.
You know, she's hot like a chick, she's smart like a guy. Just talking to her gives me a Harrelson.
Amy: Harrelson?
Jake: Woody.
Amy: Ew.

Quote from The Vulture

The Vulture: Look, I know I've become that gross, sappy guy, but dude, she's the first chick I ever wanted to hang out with post-bang.

Quote from The Vulture

Jake: I can't believe a real person has agreed to marry you.
The Vulture: Oh, my lady's real, all right. Her name is Jean Munhroe, and we complete the living hell out of each other sometimes twice a night.

Quote from The Vulture

The Vulture: Hey, you know what? I need to handle this right now. Look, I know how hard it is to find a venue. But if it could happen for me, it could happen for you.
Jake: It happened for you because it did happen for us.
The Vulture: Chins up, dingdongs. I'm trying to be happy over here.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Okay, we have to force the She-Vulture, Jean Munhroe, to give us our venue back, so put on your game face, 'cause we're about to stare down the devil.
Amy: Devil can't stare if the devil's got tears in her eyes and blood in her ears.
Jake: Oh, I love your intensity.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, this is where she works. "The Zenith Fund." Ulch, it even sounds evil.
Amy: Of course it is. She's marrying the Vulture. Everything about her is evil.
Jake: Time to enter the den of bastards who deserve to die. All right, snake, show your face ... it's a charity. Amy, it's a charity.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, I don't want any tension between the squad and the uniformed officers. I'm just thinking about the precinct.
Captain Holt: You're lying. You're upset because Teri-with-an-I called you arrogant, and you have a pathological need to be liked.
Sergeant Jeffords: What? No, I don't. I just happen to be a great person who's naturally beloved by all despite my personal ambivalence.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Please tell me the vendors are giving us back our deposits.
Jake: Yes. One of them. The photographer. Provided that you hang out with him, so how do you feel about spending the weekend on his houseboat in Yonkers?

Quote from Hitchcock

Amy: Hitchcock? What was that sound?
Hitchcock: I just got an alert from my hookup app. I'm about to boink with a local single in my area.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Okay, she's into spring break, bong rips, slurping shots, and crop tops that say "little cutie."
Jake: Noice.
Amy: She is not into nerds, wearing pants, needy guys, monogamy, or feminism, and her quote is, "Whatever happened to 'Girls Gone Wild'?"
Jake: [chuckles] This Valerie sounds like a real pill.

Quote from Charles

Rosa: They don't want us releasing that footage. A hero horse is good PR for the department. Hey, man, uh Peanut Butter's going on "Ellen."
Charles: "Ellen"? That's my dream! [sighs] Now he gets to dance with DJ tWitch!

Quote from The Vulture

The Vulture: You're Valerie? Ah, I can't believe I actually wasted my sweet dong snaps on you bozos.

Quote from The Vulture

The Vulture: All right, look. I'm deleting the app from my phone as we speak, okay? Come on. Jean's over 30. No amount of money in the entire world could make me marry a woman that old. But love can.

Quote from Jake

Jean: What were you talking about?
Amy: Crime scene.
Jake: Soup. Uh, soup crime scene. The Chowder Killer's back at it again.
Jean: Oh, I haven't heard of him.
Jake: Yeah, well, he just moved to Manhattan from New England.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Jean, we have to show you something.
The Vulture: No!
Jean: A penis? Why?
Jake: Yep, should've explained it first.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Captain Holt: So, Terry, you decided not to throw a party for Teri-with-an-I?
Sergeant Jeffords: You were right. Why bother trying to win over a stranger when I can make someone I care about happy instead?
Captain Holt: Well, for the record, Jeffords I like you a lot and I always have.
Sergeant Jeffords: All right. Whatever.
Captain Holt: I taught him well.
Sergeant Jeffords: Who am I kidding? Terry needs a hug!

Quote from Jake

Hitchcock: Dudes, the Vulture's throwing an all-girl pudding wrestling party in a mansion in May! It's the only important thing happening that day!
Amy: After party?
Jake: Fits our budget.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: What do you mean? A horse is a perfect partner. Tough, scary, and they don't show you 30 pictures of their kid dressed as Wario for Halloween. I'm not talking about Nikolaj.
Charles: I literally just showed you those pictures five minutes ago.
Rosa: Really? I don't remember that.

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