Quotes from ‘Two Turkeys’

Two Turkeys

'Two Turkeys' - Season 5, Episode 7

Jake and Amy attempt to get their parents to bond over Thanksgiving dinner, but their first holiday together as a family does not go well. Meanwhile, at the precinct, Holt and Kevin's special Thanksgiving pie is stolen from his office and Holt searches through the ranks for the possible culprit.

Air Date: November 21, 2017.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Thank you, all, for joining me. I checked into your alibis. Or should I say alib-lies!

Quote from Jake

Roger Peralta: The Santiagos are here. Feliz Thanksgiving. How was the trip in? The flight must have been awful.
Jake: Hey, Dad?
Roger Peralta: This holiday is the worst.
Jake: Could we just press pause on that and maybe get some pants?
Roger Peralta: Fine. I'll put on some pants.

Roger Peralta: Hey, everyone, I'm sorry for not being "dressed." I didn't think you guys were gonna be so early.
Victor Santiago: We arrived at the agreed upon time.
Roger Peralta: Right. So, like, super early.

Jake: Anyone hit the links lately?
Roger Peralta: I don't play golf.
Jake: What are you talking about? You played it all the time when I was a kid.
Roger Peralta: Never played golf in my life.
Karen Peralta: Jake, you're remembering when he used to pretend to golf so that he could spend his Sunday's cheating on me.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: I was at the gym. Ava's birthday/Thanksgiving dinner's a high-caloric affair. Terry needs to earn that feast.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Babe, our parents are vibing hard.
Jake: Drinking just makes people get along better. Do you think if I got my parents drunk every day when I was a kid they would have stayed together and we would have had a happy family?
Amy: Probably.
Jake: Right.

Victor Santiago: You know it's tradition for the bride's family to pay.
Karen Peralta: It's also tradition for the host to make the turkey.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, you know what? Let's just go back in there and enjoy our joyous Thanksgiving and hopefully no one's parents will ruin it.
Amy: Fine. Well, I know that my parents aren't gonna ruin any joyousness. In fact, they're gonna be joyous as hell.
Jake: Not nearly as joyous as my parents.

Quote from Jake

Camila Santiago: We have two turkeys. You can both carve one.
Jake: Yes, thank goodness for the second turkey, a very normal thing to have brought.

Karen Peralta: Uh, Camila, did you put your stuffing in my ceramic?
Camila Santiago: I thought it was a bowl.
Karen Peralta: It's art.

Victor Santiago: No excuses. You're going to take this man to the OR right now or I'm gonna sue you and everybody in this hospital.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Why didn't you just tell me the truth?
Kevin: [sighs] Because I love our annual trips to Saratoga Springs. The two of us driving in silence, looking at the barren trees. It's perfect. I I didn't wanna lose that.

Victor Santiago: Roger, I want to apologize to you for being so defensive about you wanting to pay for the wedding.
Roger Peralta:I'm sorry too. It was stupid. I was just feeling insecure because-
Victor Santiago: 'Cause I gave Jake the watch?
Roger Peralta: I was gonna say because you saw my penis through my underpants, but the watch, yeah, sure.

Quote from Hitchcock

Captain Holt: I saw what you did this morning when you deduced the contents of my bakery box. Impressive. Now I need to use your skills to find my pie.
Hitchcock: It's about time you came to us.
Scully: Here's what we need from you. A list of the pie's ingredients.
Hitchcock: We're looking for anything that might linger on someone's breath.
Scully: We need surveillance footage from the water fountain, the crumb consistency was dry. Whoever ate it's gonna be thirsty.
Hitchcock: Now what kind of crimped edge are we dealing with here? U-shaped or V?
Captain Holt: I don't know.
Hitchcock: Well, then get on the damned phone and find out.

Quote from Charles

Captain Holt: Boyle?
Charles: [crying] Nikolaj is a picky eater! I lied about his pallet. All he drinks is milk. All he eats is buttered noodles.
Captain Holt: And perhaps my walnut pie?
Charles: I wish. He hates nuts. My son is a basic bitch.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Now then, let's review our targets, shall we? First we have the Santiagos: Camila and Victor. They are traditional, reserved, and like their daughter, controlling.
Amy: I wouldn't say I'm controlling. I would say I'm Type A. You should write Type A there instead of controlling.
Jake: Vivid example of what we're up against.

Quote from Charles

Kevin: What do you all have planned for Turkey day?
Charles: Well, I've got a great Thanksgiving planned. Nikolaj has taken to food just like his papa, so I'm making an exotic spread. If it can fly or swim, we're eating its eggs.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Dad, you almost ready? The Santiago's are very punctual?
Roger Peralta: I'm already out of the shower. Chill, bro.
Jake: Don't call me bro. I'm your son.
Roger Peralta: Okay, dude.
Jake: Dude is not an improvement.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Look, this doesn't have to be a big deal. Whoever took that pie, come forward and all will be forgiven. Smart. You knew I would never forgive you. But you're dumb if you think I won't get to the bottom of this. Everyone here is a suspect.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Okay, not off to a great start. My mom brought a passive-aggressive turkey and we all saw your dad's penis through his undies.
Jake: What? You did? Why were you looking?
Amy: No, I wasn't. It all happened so fast.

Amy: Mrs. Peralta, I love this new ceramic that you painted. You know, my mom paints as well.
Karen Peralta: Really?
Camila Santiago: Yes. I paint on canvases though.
Jake: Oh. And that's different?
Karen Peralta: Very.
Camila Santiago: Completely.
Karen Peralta: I just always found canvas to be too restricting. For me with bowls and vases and furniture, the world is my canvas.
Camila Santiago: Yes, and for me, with canvas, the canvas is my canvas.
Jake: She said "canvas" so much.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: No, don't tell me why you did it. Tell him.
Rosa: You want me to talk to this picture of your husband?
Captain Holt: Look him in the eye and tell him what you did.
Rosa: I didn't do it, Kevin.
Captain Holt: Don't you say his name.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: No, Terry, I'm not mad at you. I know you didn't mean to do it. You just got hungry, and that's the most natural thing in the world.
Sergeant Jeffords: I didn't take your pie.
Captain Holt: You're lying!

Victor Santiago: Every night I'm told what to do and every morning I do what I'm told, but yet I cannot escape your scold. What am I? An alarm clock.
Roger Peralta: Oh, I get it. So a riddle is just like a fact that's told in a really confusing way.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, no. There are downsides to alcohol.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, it's dinner time. Everybody go wash your hands. I'd never said that before.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Yes, but no, what I was referring to was the fact that your mom brought her own hand towels. As if my mom wouldn't have washed hers knowing they had guests coming over?
Amy: Did she?
Jake: No, you don't have to. They're only touched by freshly cleaned hands. They never get dirty.
Amy: Wow. The unhygienic apple doesn't fall far from the unhygienic tree.
Jake: Did you just call my mom a tree?
Amy: I called her an unhygienic tree.
Jake: Wow.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Captain Holt: Okay. It was a two-man job.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, I didn't steal your pie either. I lied about the gym because I was still trying to find a Perry the Parrot for Ava. I forgot it was her birthday coming up and by the time I realized, the dumb toy was all sold out. I just didn't want you guys to know what a horrible dad I really am.

Roger Peralta: You know what? I'm sick of you looking down your nose at us. I know the Peralta's aren't perfect, but we don't look down on other people. I mean, you come into our home and you act like we're idiots. Well, we're not idiots. In fact, I just cut my thumb off.
Victor Santiago: What?
Roger Peralta: I just cut my thumb off.

Roger Peralta: I think this might be it for me, little man. There's something you gotta know, Jake. You have three half-sisters.
Jake: What?
Roger Peralta: One in Atlanta, one in Newark, one in Dallas Fort Worth. All the hubs.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, Dad, how's it going?
Roger Peralta: I'm fine. They reattached my thumb.
Amy: Oh, that's great. So you'll be able to fly again?
Roger Peralta: Yeah, that was never in doubt. You don't need thumbs to fly anymore. You just hit one button. The plane takes care of the rest.
Jake: I have to believe that's not true.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Our objective is clear. Our parents will laugh, they will bond, and then when the time is right, our fathers will share a hug good-bye and it will be weird, but in the good way.
Amy: Oh, my God. What is that photo?
Jake: I did an image search for dad's hugging. I didn't have a lot of time to put this board together.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Now then, on the other side, we have the Peraltas: Karen and Roger. They are perfectly normal, no known flaws. All right, fine. My dad's a selfish drunken slut and my mom's a flighty weirdo.

Quote from Amy

Jake: Are you erasing the word controlling behind my back while we kiss?
Amy: Mm-hmm.

Quote from Scully

Scully: What do you have in the pastry box, sir? Brownies?
Hitchcock: No, you hold brownies from the side. He's holding it from the bottom.
Scully: True. Maybe it s a cheesecake.
Hitchcock: But there's no condensation on the box. It's room temperature.
Scully: Look at the finger spread, tensing in the shoulders. He's supporting something dense.
Scully and Hitchcock: It's a pie.
Captain Holt: It is a pie.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Captain Holt: But this is not just any pie. It's an English walnut pie from the Cottage Inn - in Saratoga Springs.
Kevin: Raymond and I drive all the way upstate for it every year. It's the finest sweet treat on earth. Even better than a plain scone.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wow, that good, huh?

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Well, at the Jefford's house, it's not just Thanksgiving, it's also Ava's birthday, so we do it up huge. I got her a Perry the Parrot. That's a hot toy. Terry tried ten toy stores.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: I guess I'm only one doing this holiday right. Hitting the open road with my bike. No family, no friends, no dinner.
Sergeant Jeffords: That sounds really dark.
Rosa: Thank you.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, the house is all clean. The wine is in the fridge. What is this pitcher of gray water?
Karen Peralta: I read an article that said when you wash vegetables, all the nutrients leech into the water and then you can drink it. They call it a super water.
Jake: Oh. Well, that's neat. I am gonna just hide it right over here.

Quote from Jake

Karen Peralta: Hola. Feliz Thanksgiving. Jake told me you were Cuban.
Jake: Yes, I did, and I regret it.

Quote from Rosa

Captain Holt: I went to a meeting and when I returned, my pie was gone. Which one of you took it?
Rosa: Calm down, there's no need to point fingers. At us. It was clearly Hitchcock and Scully.

Quote from Hitchcock

Scully: How dare you. You have no proof.
Rosa: There's crumbs all over your desks.
Hitchcock: Well, these aren't pie crumbs. Bread, cookie, pizza, sandwich, blintz, and one good old fashioned potato chip. No pie here. I just humiliated you.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Maybe we could play a game.
Jake: No. No games. My dad gets super competitive. He used to flip out on me when I beat him at Adult Clue. It was the only board game he had at his condo. All the murder weapons were sex toys.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: There are no prints on the box, no DNA evidence, and the security camera in my office was obscured, which means whoever took my pie thought it through. And that means-
Rosa: It wasn't Hitchcock and Scully.
Captain Holt: Exactly.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: How long you been planning this? A day? A week? A year? Or is this the only reason you joined the force to begin with?
Charles: So you think I became a cop just so I can steal your pie?
Captain Holt: Your words not mine.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I was at the grocery store buying goose feet for Nikolaj's dinner.

Roger Peralta: Hey, I used to fly with Sully Sullenberger.
Camila Santiago: What he did was amazing.
Roger Peralta: Between us, I could have landed that plane on the ground at the destination without killing any of those birds.

Quote from Jake

Jake: This is a nightmare. This is worse than my sixth birthday party when I caught my dad making out with a female clown in the bounce house. Oh, my dad is the worst.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Plus, you gotta admit, your parents were being a little condescending.
Amy: Why? Because they asked what was in the dip that seemed to be just mayo?
Jake: All dip is just mayo.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Diaz, if you were changing the oil in your bike for your big ride up the coast, then tell me, why is your tank only half full?
Rosa: You dipsticked my bike?
Captain Holt: That's not all I dipsticked.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: And, Boyle, out buying goose feet for Nickolaj?
Charles: Nikolaj.
Captain Holt: I found your grocery store receipt. No feet of any kind. But there was one purchase, a beverage that pairs perfectly with pie. One gallon of milk!

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: This heist took three people. Lady Dipstick, Mr. Fib, and the Milk Man. The jig is up. Confess.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Okay, I lied.
Captain Holt: Thank you.
Rosa: Not about the pie. About my Thanksgiving. I'm not spending it alone. I'm spending it with my family. We're seeing the new "Minions" musical on Broadway. And I wasn't putting oil in my bike. I was picking up these matching T-shirts for my whole family. I missed my family a lot when I was in prison and we've gotten really close again. I was embarrassed about how pumped I am to see them.
The T-shirts were my idea.

Quote from Hitchcock

Captain Holt: My pie, and it wasn't even eaten. Just thrown away like common street trash.
Hitchcock: Makes me sick. Spend your life on the force, and it never gets easier.

Roger Peralta: She said it was a bowl. Bet you didn't know I understood Spanish.
Victor Santiago: Very impressive. You learn that from one of your mistresses?
Roger Peralta: Yeah. As a matter of fact, I did.

Victor Santiago: He needs help now! You know who this man is? Captain Roger Peralta. He taught Sully Sullenberger how to fly.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: I should have known you were lying. There's nothing better than a plain scone.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Look how the pie was disposed of. Placed gently with two hands inside the bin. That's exactly how you always throw away garbage.
Sergeant Jeffords: It is?

Captain Holt: There's only one thing I still can't figure out. Why'd you do it?
Kevin: Because it's disgusting.
Captain Holt: Oh, my.
Kevin: That pie is an abomination. It has beef suet and apple seeds in it. Why? It's a walnut pie.

Captain Holt: I don't know why we can't still make the drive next year. We just don't have to buy the pie.
Kevin: A trip with no purpose? [chuckles] Raymond.

Quote from Jake

Jake: And apparently my family's a lot bigger than I thought. How many half sisters did you say I have, Dad?
Roger Peralta: I only told you about the sisters?
Jake: Come on.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I think your feathers are ripping. Gobble.
Charles: Gobble.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, you know the drill. We've been living and breathing this operation for years. It goes down today and we only get one shot. Thanksgiving 2017, the meeting of the parents.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I knew you'd say that, which is why we have this. A list of things they have in common. We can use it to grease the conversation.
Amy: Ooh, convo grease. This is perfect. Okay, our dads both golf. Our mom's both paint. All four of them have hair.
Jake: Yeah, but that's bottom of the barrel stuff. We're not gonna have to use that.

Quote from Scully

Kevin: Well, everyone's plans seem lovely.
Scully: Oh, Hitchcock and I didn't say ours.
Kevin: How unfortunate.

Quote from Amy

Victor Santiago: So nice to finally meet you. I'm Victor.
Camila Santiago: And I'm Camila.
Karen Peralta: Oh. And you brought a turkey?
Amy: Sure did. Even though I told her that you were making the turkey, and all she needed to bring was stuffing.
Camila Santiago: The stuffing's inside it and now we have two turkeys, just in case.
Karen Peralta: In case of what?
Amy: I don't know. [laughs awkwardly] Anyway, it was in the car when she picked me up. Isn't that fun?
Jake: The most fun.

Roger Peralta: Who wants to hear a joke?
Victor Santiago: Do you mean like a riddle? 'Cause I love riddles.
Roger Peralta: No, I mean like a joke joke, where I say it and you laugh.
Victor Santiago: No, then I'm not interested.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Everybody has an alibi. How convenient. So I hope you're comfortable because I will keep you in here all day if necessary!
Officer: [knocks on door] We need the room to question someone - about the Red Hook homicide.
Captain Holt: Oh, no problem. We'll be right out.

Quote from Jake

Amy: I know. He's ruining the whole day.
Jake: [sighs] Yeah, but, you know, don't just blame my dad.
Amy: You literally just said he's the worst.
Jake: I know. It's okay when I say it. You have to pretend like he's cool. Those are the rules.

Victor Santiago: Hey, Roger, You like jokes. Here's one. I'd hate to be a passenger on one of your flights if you fly as slow as you cut a turkey.
Roger Peralta: Riddle me this, Victor. Who sucks at carving turkey, thinks their rum is good when it's bad?

Quote from Jake

Victor Santiago: Your mom and Camila are on the way. They're still cleaning up all the blood.
Jake: Yeah, there was so much. They might have to move.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Oh, Jake, it's happening. The weird but good dad hug.
Jake: Oh, it's magical. Best Thanksgiving ever. Yep, Dad, your gown's riding up.
Amy: Oh.
Jake: It's out. It's out.

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