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Quote from the episode Safe House

Captain Holt: I brought you your box of DVDs.
Jake: Oh, thank you. Oh! Forgot about this one. We never watched "Captain Corelli's Mandolin".
Kevin: What the hell did you just say?
Jake: "Captain Corelli's Mandolin"?
Kevin: Say that to my face.
Jake: "Captain Corelli's Mandolin"?
Kevin: There was a movie about a mandolin, and you kept it from me for two months?
Jake: Well I didn't think it was any good. It's just some period piece.
Kevin: What?
Jake: Set in Greece.
Kevin: Oh, my God.
Jake: Based on some dumb book. *Kevin knocks the DVD out of Jake's hands* Aah!
Kevin: Terribly sorry. It has been a very trying time.

Quote from the episode Safe House

Jake: But going out into public is a huge risk, so maybe let's go over some self-defense techniques. *Kevin punches Jake in the throat* [gasps] [chokes] Usually, you warn somebody before you do that.
Kevin: Raymond told me that the element of surprise was crucial.
Jake: Cool. [coughs] So he's a great teacher. But I will say this. If you're going to do a throat punch, it is key that you say something cool afterwards like, "choke on that".
Kevin: Right, but they're not choking. They're experiencing airway trauma. Ooh, how about, "Better get some corticosteroids to treat that laryngeal fracture".
Jake: Okay, yeah, that's very informative and quite polite. [ahem] But maybe add a "dirtbag" on the end?
Kevin: But a dirtbag is a useful part of a vacuum. I don't see how it's an insult.
Jake: All right, you know, puncher's choice.

Quote from the episode The Party

Captain Holt: You've been needling poor Peralta so much, you've practically made him a new suit.
Kevin: "Needled him a new suit." Even when we're fighting, you're hilarious. Stop it. Stop it.

Quote from the episode Safe House

Jake: But sir, the stench. It needs some way to escape.
Kevin: I already feel as though I'm trapped inside of - What are those things you're always eating?
Jake: Pizza bagels? Pizza rolls?
Kevin: No. No.
Jake: Pizza poppers? Pizzaritos?
Kevin: No. No.
Jake: Pizza pockets?
Kevin: That's it. How much longer will I be forced to live inside this pizza pocket?

Quote from the episode Casecation

Captain Holt: This has become more about your employment status.As your supervisor, I feel I have a conflict of interest and should abstain from judging.
Jake: Okay, so do we both get a point?
Captain Holt: No. Kevin has been on the phone all this time. He's also a licensed debate moderator.
Kevin: [v.o.] License number J as in Juliet, 2-5-9-
Jake: This means nothing to me.
Kevin: [v.o.] H as in hotel. Z as in Zulu.
Jake: Oh, thank God he stopped.
Kevin: [v.o.] 3-6-9. Point to Amy.

Quote from the episode Ransom

Jake: Okay, sir, the kidnapper should be calling with his demands any minute. If we trace his location, we can find your fuzzy boy.
Captain Holt: Not fuzzy. He's fluffy.
Kevin: We don't know what he is anymore. He could be fuzzy, he could be anything. Raymond, he could be scruffy.
Captain Holt: Now you've upset Kevin. I hope you're happy.
Jake: Why would I be happy? I clearly just mixed up fuzzy and fluffy.
Captain Holt: "Just?" You're fired. I want your shield and your piece.
Jake: That seems a little extreme.
Kevin: Jake is right.
Jake: Thank you, Kevin.
Kevin: Just suspend him without pay.

Quote from the episode The Wednesday Incident

Jake: It's perfect. Thanks for inviting us in.
Kevin: I invited Gina in. You were with her.

Quote from the episode The Bimbo

Captain Holt: So nice of you to stop by, Kevin. Enjoy your day. I hope it's productive.
Kevin: Thank you, Raymond. I hope your day is productive as well. [Holt and Kevin shake hands] PDA in the office? My, my.
Captain Holt: Couldn't help myself.
Kevin: Oh, may I please use the precinct facilities before I head to work?
Captain Holt: Yes. Thank you for asking for permission.
Kevin: Thank you for granting it.

Quote from the episode Ransom

Kevin: Raymond, Cheddar is fine. He's coming back to us, and that is why I bought a new GPS tag to put on his collar.
Jake: Thank you, Kevin. At least some of us are thinking clearly.
Kevin: Yes, crystal clear. In fact I bought 5 GPS tags. One for his collar and one for each arm and leg. I'm going to make bracelets to put them on, and I'll never lose my Cheddar again.
Jake: Okay, a little unsettling, but I like your positivity.

Quote from the episode Safe House

Captain Holt: You put my husband at risk, and for what? Because you felt a little cooped up?
Jake: That's not it.
Captain Holt: You could have cost him his life.
Kevin: What life, Raymond? I spend every day lying on the floor of that house talking with Jake about popular culture. Do you know what it means to "clap back", Raymond? Be-cause-I-do.

Quote from the episode The Wednesday Incident

Kevin: Hmm, yes. I dread those enunciated denunciations.

Quote from the episode Cinco De Mayo

Jake: Terry, what you did today was awesome and I just wanted to say I'm sorry if I took things too far.
Sergeant Jeffords: Are you kidding me? I was just guilting you as a tactic. I love how crazy the heist gets.
Jake: Okay, good, 'cause what I really wanted to say is next heist I'm gonna drown you in your own blood.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, yeah? Well, then I'm gonna rip your arms off and beat you to death with 'em.
Jake: Oh.
Kevin: I'm going to slice your Achilles' tendons, peel off your fingernails, and stick knitting needles in your eyes.
Both: Oh, damn.
Kevin: Raymond, you were right. These heists are fun.

Quote from the episode The Wednesday Incident

Kevin: And Peralta, I hope this will do. It's a can of Orange Soda from when some other children visited.

Quote from the episode The Swedes

Captain Holt: Ah, Boyle. Just the man we were looking for. Kevin has accepted a fellowship to teach at the Sorbonne for the next six months.
Charles: Oh, I love Paris. At least how it's represented in the movie Ratatouille.
Kevin: Uh-
Captain Holt: The rodent chef.
Kevin: Ah, yes. Farfetched.

Quote from the episode Ransom

Jake: Okay, Kevin, we need to recreate your morning and see if we can find some clues.
Kevin: All right, Cheddar and I entered on the east side of the park over past those trees... Oh, how he loved those trees. Jake, I don't know if I can do this.
Jake: Yeah, you can do this, I'm right here with you. We're gonna get through it together. Now let's go. [Kevin coughs] Oh, hey, Kev, bud, couldn't help but notice that when I said, "let's go," you didn't go. You stayed here and stared at that bench.
Kevin: Cheddar loved benches. He'd run up to them. Sniff their legs. Paw at them with his...
Jake: Paws, sure, that's what you paw with.
Kevin: [clears throat] I'm sorry. This is impossible. Everything I see reminds me of Cheddar. The grass, the asphalt, squirrels... Cheddar loved squirrels.
Jake: Oh, stop.
Kevin: He loves to chase them. I suppose I should say loved. He'd never get there. He's like...

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