Quotes from ‘Safe House’

Safe House

'Safe House' - Season 5, Episode 12

After Seamus (guest star Paul Adelstein) threatens Kevin (guest star Marc Evan Jackson), Holt devises an elaborate plan to hide him in a safe house, with Jake as his guard. Kevin is miserable as the 99 works overtime to find Seamus and take him down.

Air Date: March 18, 2018.

Quote from Jake

Kevin: This installation is composed of Constantine's accounts of the first Punic War in the year 264-
Jake: Ah, yes the first pubic war, the sexiest of all wars. Hi, Dr. Albrin Einstibe. I have an urgent question for you about Ancient Greece.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Hello, Kevin. It's me, Raymond Holt. We need to get you to safety. Your life is in danger.

Quote from Gina

Rosa: Okay, Nikki won't talk to cops. So we've got to send someone in as a customer. Get her to open up, start gossiping.
Gina: Send me. I'm a gossip surgeon. I can get anything out of anyone.
Sergeant Jeffords: You can't go undercover, you're not a cop.
Gina: How am I not a cop, Terry? 'Cause I don't have a badge? Being a cop is a state of mind.
Sergeant Jeffords: It's definitely not.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: According to Organized Crime, Murphy has gone to ground, and there are no leads.
Jake: Oh, that's great. If he's on the run, he probably won't be worrying about Kevin.
Captain Holt: And if you coat yourself in chum and swim with sharks, you probably won't be eaten. Said the half-eaten chum-covered swimmer.

Jake: But sir, the stench. It needs some way to escape.
Kevin: I already feel as though I'm trapped inside of - What are those things you're always eating?
Jake: Pizza bagels? Pizza rolls?
Kevin: No. No.
Jake: Pizza poppers? Pizzaritos?
Kevin: No. No.
Jake: Pizza pockets?
Kevin: That's it. How much longer will I be forced to live inside this pizza pocket?

Quote from Charles

Charles: Okay, first of all, Rosa, you look amazing. Secondly, I made an appointment at the salon with Nikki, for you, under the name Gabriella Fuentes de San Miguel Estrada. I had fun with the name.
Rosa: Clearly.

Jake: But going out into public is a huge risk, so maybe let's go over some self-defense techniques. *Kevin punches Jake in the throat* [gasps] [chokes] Usually, you warn somebody before you do that.
Kevin: Raymond told me that the element of surprise was crucial.
Jake: Cool. [coughs] So he's a great teacher. But I will say this. If you're going to do a throat punch, it is key that you say something cool afterwards like, "choke on that".
Kevin: Right, but they're not choking. They're experiencing airway trauma. Ooh, how about, "Better get some corticosteroids to treat that laryngeal fracture".
Jake: Okay, yeah, that's very informative and quite polite. [ahem] But maybe add a "dirtbag" on the end?
Kevin: But a dirtbag is a useful part of a vacuum. I don't see how it's an insult.
Jake: All right, you know, puncher's choice.

Quote from Jake

Jake: What is the bandwidth on the wifi here? We have much content to stream.

Quote from Gina

Rosa: Yeah, we all have huge problems.
Gina: You kinda look like Phil Spector when he was on trial.

Quote from Jake

Seamus Murphy: So, Peralta, what do you have to say for yourself?
Jake: The whole NYPD knows where you are, and they're coming for you right now.
Seamus Murphy: Okay, thanks for the tip. Let's kill them both, get out of here before the cops come.
Jake: Wait, no, no, no, I was lying about the back-up. I came alone - title of my sex tape.

Kevin: Better get some corticosteroids to treat that laryngeal fracture. Sorry, I couldn't bring myself to call him a dirtbag.
Captain Holt: And why would you? A dirtbag is a very useful part of the vacuum cleaner. Clearly, it's a compliment.
Jake: Wow, you guys are so perfect for each other.

Captain Holt: I brought you your box of DVDs.
Jake: Oh, thank you. Oh! Forgot about this one. We never watched "Captain Corelli's Mandolin".
Kevin: What the hell did you just say?
Jake: "Captain Corelli's Mandolin"?
Kevin: Say that to my face.
Jake: "Captain Corelli's Mandolin"?
Kevin: There was a movie about a mandolin, and you kept it from me for two months?
Jake: Well I didn't think it was any good. It's just some period piece.
Kevin: What?
Jake: Set in Greece.
Kevin: Oh, my God.
Jake: Based on some dumb book. *Kevin knocks the DVD out of Jake's hands* Aah!
Kevin: Terribly sorry. It has been a very trying time.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Shall we walk?
Kevin: Of course, Doctor ... I feel like you said Einstibe?
Jake: Yes, that's correct, it's a family name.
Kevin: What is going on?
Jake: Captain Holt sent me. Just follow my lead. Your theory is wrong. The Greeks did not climb out of the Trojan Horse's butt.

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, so we've secured Captain Holt's husband. Let's discuss how to proceed.
Jake: So what you're saying is, we need to talk about Kevin. *Everybody boos* I have no regrets!

Quote from Jake

Sergeant Jeffords: My friend in the Organized Crime division says they've been building a case against Seamus Murphy for years, and they're close. They think they'll move on him in the next month or two.
Jake: So you're saying, Kevin can wait? *Everybody boos* You know what, you people are insane. That was gold.

Quote from Charles

Charles: You're gonna stay locked up in a safe house, away from us for two months? That's going to be brutal.
Gina: You just said it was nothing.
Charles: Brutal for me, Gina.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Stop! You're entering the zone of visibility. Someone could see you through the windows.
Jake: Why don't we just close the blinds?
Captain Holt: At mid-day? That's far too suspicious. Blinds will only be closed at night. If you must go into the living room, crawl on your belly. Observe.
Jake: Seems a little extreme.
Captain Holt: You're right, it's extreme of me to try to prevent my husband from being shot in the face. I'm over-doing it. Kevin, come in here. Take your bullet.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: This is one of several designated areas where you can stand upright during the day. You can move about freely in this square.
Jake: Wow, so we have all this room to work in?
Captain Holt: Your hand can be seen from the living room window. You just killed Kevin.
Kevin: Raymond-
Captain Holt: I can't hear you, Kevin. You're dead.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, we can't stream anything, but I brought my DVD collection. Do you like Nic Cage movies?
Kevin: I don't know who that is.
Jake: Only the greatest and most compelling actor of all time.
Kevin: What are his movies like? Describe them.
Jake: Okay, well, one of them is the FBI has developed face-swapping technology.
Kevin: Not interested.
Jake: There's a whole plane full of convicts.
Kevin: Nope.
Jake: On the back of the original Declaration of Independence, there's a hidden treasure map!
Kevin: Stop.
Jake: But that's the smartest one!

Jake: Oh my God, I'm so glad Captain Holt finally agreed to let you come visit.
Amy: I missed you so much.
Jake: Me too.
Amy: Um, is there a way we could get a bit more privacy?
Kevin: Just pretend I'm not here. God knows I am.

Kevin: Or perhaps you employed "Face/Off" technology.
Captain Holt: What?
Kevin: I broke down and watched one of Peralta's action films. I'm lying, I watched them all, including one wherein a man's head turns into a flaming skull.
Jake: "Ghost Rider", and "Ghost Rider 2". Both master-pie.
Kevin: Yes, I need your help, Raymond.

Jake: "Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree, 'cause this boy's comin' home."
Kevin: "Con Air". What have I become?

Quote from Charles

Jake: Oh, Charles! Ah. I need to hear your voice, tell me what I've been missing at the nine-nine.
Charles: Ooh, Terry's grandma got really sick and had to spend a month in the hospital.
Jake: Oh that's sad. I more meant like funny work anecdotes.
Charles: Ah, Scully sat on a cherry pie and he didn't notice for six hours. The tin stayed on the whole time.
Jake: Now we're talking. Did you take a picture?
Charles: Honestly, I didn't see it. I was at Terry's grandma's funeral.
Jake: Come on!

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Everyone, quiet down. The feed is live and the raid begins in T-minus 60 seconds.
Jake: In one minute, Kevin and I will finally be able to leave this awful place.
Kevin: And yet we'll never be free of the nightmares.
Jake: No, those shall haunt us for always.
Rosa: Whoa, things got really intense in here, huh?
Jake: Oh, yeah, it got dark. This place is a hell-mouth.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I love this. I feel like Ellen watching her producers go through a haunted house.

Quote from Hitchcock

Rosa: They said Seamus' girlfriend Nikki works in a hair salon in Bay Ridge.
Charles: Nice, classic mistress job.
Hitchcock: Hey, my girlfriend's a hairdresser!
Charles: And you cheated on your ex-wife with her.
Hitchcock: Checkmate. Well played.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: No library. Seamus' men could be lurking in the stacks.
Kevin: I find that unlikely.
Captain Holt: I understand, but I disagree.
Kevin: Well then, we are in disagreement. You'll have to excuse me.
Captain Holt: I'm sorry you had to witness such a vicious fight.
Jake: Oh, was that a fight?
Captain Holt: Are you kidding? He said "you'll have to excuse me" instead of "please excuse me." Might as well have spit in my face.

Quote from Gina

Charles: Here's the plan. Gabriella Fuentes de San Miguel Estrada gossips about her love life. Then, Nikki opens up about hers.
Rosa: Yeah, this is the problem. I suck at gossiping.
Charles: Which is why I brought along a specialist. Gina will be in your ear feeding you stories.
Gina: I will be basing Gabriella on my sister's friend, Dana. Just be warned Dana real sloppy.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Rosa, repeat after me and don't change a thing. Can I tell you the craziest story? One time I was like so drunk-
Rosa: [parroting Gina] And this meathead comes up to me. And his body is hot, but his face is like okay. So I'm like, what?
Gina: And I was like, bitch, I'm not gonna sleep with you just because you promised to take me to the Bahamas.
Rosa: [parroting Gina] Take me to the Bahamas first and then we'll see what happens, okay?
Gina: I was only with him because he drove a Jaguar.
Rosa: [parroting Gina] Turns out it was a Mercury with a Thundercat taped to the hood.
Gina: And that relationship lasted for three months.
Rosa: [parroting Gina] I don't know why we broke up. I guess we just grew apart when he went to prison for life.

Quote from Jake

Jake: You know what, screw this. We need a break. I'm a cop, I can protect us. We're going to the library. These two oranges are stepping out. Oh, damn it, peeling out. It was right there!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Moving on, we're going to need disguises. And since we're going to a public library, the best way to fit in is as-
Kevin: Scholars.
Jake: Weird perverts.
Kevin: Yes, weird perverts is far better.
Jake: Far better.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Amy: I don't know what I was thinking. We've been at it for two hours and all we've got is three words.
Sergeant Jeffords: Really two. Terry's just fooling himself. "Apache's" a long shot at best.

Quote from Scully

Amy: We're piecing together shredded documents to find Seamus Murphy.
Scully: Can I help? I'm really good at jigsaw puzzles. I do them all the time. It's why my wrist muscles are so defined.

Quote from Amy

Amy: No offense, Scully, but you can't be good or bad at jigsaw puzzles. It's just putting shapes together. There's no strategy or reasoning, or logic-
Scully: Look, I got half a page!
Amy: He is the one.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Ooh, I know you're working, but you should probably put something on your screen perverted in case someone comes in like a lady in high heels stepping on a businessman.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hello, who's sneaking around back here?
Captain Holt: Bang, you're dead. And so is Kevin.
Jake: Oh, thank God, it's just you. Wait, no, this is bad in a different way.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: What are you doing? You brought my husband to a public place?
Jake: He's undercover. We're perverts, see?
Captain Holt: You're not fooling anyone. Kevin's zipper is up, for God's sake.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Wait, I'm confused how did you even know we were here? Oh, my God, you sewed a tracker into my neck, didn't you?
Captain Holt: Don't be stupid. The trackers are in your shoes, underwear, and wallet. I also braided one into your hair.
Jake: [gasps] In my tangle?

Captain Holt: You put my husband at risk, and for what? Because you felt a little cooped up?
Jake: That's not it.
Captain Holt: You could have cost him his life.
Kevin: What life, Raymond? I spend every day lying on the floor of that house talking with Jake about popular culture. Do you know what it means to "clap back", Raymond? Be-cause-I-do.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Enough. We have to get back to the safe house immediately. Let's go. And if you're gonna be a pervert, Kevin, adjust yourself as you walk. Move some quarters around in your pocket.

Quote from Jake

Kevin: No, I'm not abandoning my husband. I love him.
Jake: Yeah, I love him too. Everybody loves Raymond.
Kevin: Don't.
Jake: I think that's pretty funny!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, my garsh! It's all the same. Nothing has changed. Except for that.
Rosa: This perm saved your life.
Jake: And I thank it for its service.

Quote from Jake

Jake: And you know, in a weird way, I'm going to miss our little house.
Kevin: Yes, and in an even weirder way, I think I might actually miss you.
Jake: And in an even weirder way, I want you guys to be my dads.
Kevin: That is weirder.
Jake: Yeah, I got stuff.

Jake: Yeah, next thing, you're going to say you'd wished we had watched "Leaving Las Vegas", a dark, ponderous reflection on alcoholism that earned Cage his Oscar.
Kevin: Aargh! *walks away*
Jake: What? I told you, the guy's got range!

Quote from Charles

Amy: Okay, two months in a safe house that's not impossible.
Charles: It's nothing. I once stayed in my apartment for 3 1/2 months straight.
Amy: Was that after they canceled "Bunheads"?
Charles: Why would you bring that up?

Quote from Jake

Rosa: I don't understand. Why can't we just put Kevin into WITSEC?
Sergeant Jeffords: The Murphys have killed three witnesses in federal protection. Captain doesn't wanna risk it. We'll take shifts staying with Kevin.
Jake: No, it should just be me. Look, it's my fault that Murphy's after Kevin.
Captain Holt bailed me out, and now it's my turn to bail him out. Plus we've got this whole tit for tat thing going, and it's my time to tit. It's my tit turn.
My time to tit is today, Terry.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Say good-bye to the outside world. You're in the safe house now, so I'll need your phone.
Jake: Why?
Captain Holt: Internet, cellular signals. They're too easy to trace.
Jake: Seriously, no phone? What am I supposed to do to pass the time?
Captain Holt: You could learn a foreign language.
Jake: Go to hell.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: He bled out in your lap. How will you break the news to me? Let's see.
Jake: We don't have to do this.
Captain Holt: Ah, Detective Peralta, how are things going with Kevin, the love of my life? Wait, why are you here at this late hour? And whose blood is that?
Jake: Okay, I get it.
Captain Holt: It's Kevin's? This is devastating. I'm inconsolable. And I've killed myself.
Jake: Cool, well, I can see this is gonna be a fun couple of months.

Jake: Okay, I think you're actually going to like this one. Nic Cage is a chemist-
Kevin: Interesting, keep going.
Jake: Who has to break into Alcatraz-
Kevin: Absolutely not! Are there no other actors?

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: Hello, Captain.
Captain Holt: And you're both dead. You didn't ask for the password. What if I were an assassin wearing a hyper-realistic latex mask?

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, yes, people. Actual real people that aren't Kevin. Hi, I want to touch you.
Amy: Babe, you're being weird.
Jake: Right, sorry. I forgot how to be human.

Quote from Scully

Scully: Oh no, I sat in another pie.
Jake: Damn it! Next time, sit on a pie when we can enjoy it, Scully.

Quote from Rosa

Sergeant Jeffords: Diaz, the mission is yours.
Rosa: Great. I love strangers touching my head.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry, you don't have a choice.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: While Murphy is at large, he's still a threat.
Kevin: So I'm going to be stuck here forever, following these over-the-top security precautions?
Captain Holt: No.
Kevin: Thank God.
Captain Holt: The security procedures are about to become much more over-the-top. Say good-bye to your one hour of open window time.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Good oranges, nice and dry. Not at all ripe.
Kevin: Fascinating. My orange is beginning to rot. That happens when you leave an orange sitting around for too long and refuse to even let that orange go to a library for two hours so it can feel like a real orange again.
Captain Holt: You know what really causes an orange to go bad? Getting shot. Have you seen what a bullet does to an orange?

Quote from Jake

Jake: I shot a watermelon once. It's exactly what you want it to be.

Captain Holt: You think I enjoy doing this? I assure you, I do not. I'm simply trying to keep my husband alive.
Kevin: Well, you may not have a husband when all of this is over.
Captain Holt: You're not going to die, Kevin.
Kevin: That's not what I meant.
Captain Holt: I'm leaving. This is an absurd conversation, and you're being ridiculous.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Bam! Solid match. Okay, I've got three words. I've got an "and", I've got an "an" and a "he". Now, the "he" could be a part of a "the" or the end of "Apache". I don't know why, but I'm getting a strong "Apache" vibe.

Quote from Amy

Sergeant Jeffords: Amy? Amy? Amy, where'd you go?
Amy: Down here. I let the pile take me.

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: Ooh, are you guys building a nap nest? Mind if we burrow?
Amy: No!

Quote from Jake

Jake: This is great. There's nobody here. Everyone cleared out as soon as we got here. Even that actual pervert was creeped out by us.

Quote from Jake

Jake: No offense, but it feels so good to breathe air that didn't come out of your mouth.
Kevin: None taken.

Quote from Jake

Captain Holt: Where is Kevin?
Jake: Don't worry, he's safe. Look, Captain, I just want to say that I'm sorry.
Captain Holt: You should be. You should have abided by my security rules.
Jake: You're right. But I want you to know, I didn't take Kevin to the library because I was stir-crazy. It was because I didn't want you guys to get divorced.
Captain Holt: How is that any concern of yours?
Jake: I don't know, I just I've been around so many failed marriages in my life.
You know, first my mom and my dad, then Charles and Eleanor, Hitchcock and Brandi, Hitchcock and Francine, Hitchcock and Brandi again, Hitchcock and Madison-
Captain Holt: Madison wasn't his daughter? But he dropped her off at college last fall.
Jake: I know, it was really gross. But the point is, I just couldn't stand to see you two fall apart.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Perhaps I should have been more understanding of what Kevin was going through. I may die here tonight, and his last memory of me will be how miserable I made him.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: It's over now. He can't hurt me or Kevin. Thank you, for titting my tat.
Jake: Well, thank you for tatting my tit.

Submit Quotes