Captain Holt: Where is Kevin?
Jake: Don't worry, he's safe. Look, Captain, I just want to say that I'm sorry.
Captain Holt: You should be. You should have abided by my security rules.
Jake: You're right. But I want you to know, I didn't take Kevin to the library because I was stir-crazy. It was because I didn't want you guys to get divorced.
Captain Holt: How is that any concern of yours?
Jake: I don't know, I just I've been around so many failed marriages in my life.
You know, first my mom and my dad, then Charles and Eleanor, Hitchcock and Brandi, Hitchcock and Francine, Hitchcock and Brandi again, Hitchcock and Madison-
Captain Holt: Madison wasn't his daughter? But he dropped her off at college last fall.
Jake: I know, it was really gross. But the point is, I just couldn't stand to see you two fall apart.

Rosa: Come on, Peralta! Holt said to use the whole team. We all want this solved.
Jake: I appreciate the offer, but I work best alone. Except when it comes to sex. Actually, sometimes including sex.

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Jake: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

Captain Holt: Hello, Kevin. It's me, Raymond Holt. We need to get you to safety. Your life is in danger.

Captain Holt: I brought you your box of DVDs.
Jake: Oh, thank you. Oh! Forgot about this one. We never watched "Captain Corelli's Mandolin".
Kevin: What the hell did you just say?
Jake: "Captain Corelli's Mandolin"?
Kevin: Say that to my face.
Jake: "Captain Corelli's Mandolin"?
Kevin: There was a movie about a mandolin, and you kept it from me for two months?
Jake: Well I didn't think it was any good. It's just some period piece.
Kevin: What?
Jake: Set in Greece.
Kevin: Oh, my God.
Jake: Based on some dumb book. *Kevin knocks the DVD out of Jake's hands* Aah!
Kevin: Terribly sorry. It has been a very trying time.

Jake: But going out into public is a huge risk, so maybe let's go over some self-defense techniques. *Kevin punches Jake in the throat* [gasps] [chokes] Usually, you warn somebody before you do that.
Kevin: Raymond told me that the element of surprise was crucial.
Jake: Cool. [coughs] So he's a great teacher. But I will say this. If you're going to do a throat punch, it is key that you say something cool afterwards like, "choke on that".
Kevin: Right, but they're not choking. They're experiencing airway trauma. Ooh, how about, "Better get some corticosteroids to treat that laryngeal fracture".
Jake: Okay, yeah, that's very informative and quite polite. [ahem] But maybe add a "dirtbag" on the end?
Kevin: But a dirtbag is a useful part of a vacuum. I don't see how it's an insult.
Jake: All right, you know, puncher's choice.