Gina: All men are at least 30% attracted to me. My mother cried the day I was born, because she knew she would never be better than me. At any given moment, I'm thinking about one thing: Richard Dreyfuss hunkered over eating dog food. I feel like I'm the Paris of people.

Amy: I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house. I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.
Charles: I bet it's really fancy. Like Beauty and the Beast fancy.
Jake: No, it's probably just an empty, white cube with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in when he's on sleep mode.

Rosa: Gina, what are you thinking about right now?
Gina: I was thinking how I would make the perfect American president, based upon my skill set, dance ability and bloodlust.

Jake: I'm talking to my credit card company. I tried to get an online subscription to the New Yorker and they declined me. Apparently, based on my previous purchases, they assumed it was fraud. That's crazy. I'm fancy. One time I had coffee-flavored ice cream.

Jake: What is going on out there? We can't tell cop stories, Kevin doesn't find me charming, and a native English speaker referred to Captain Holt as "hilarious." I am flummoxed! That's a word I learned for this party, and I am it!

Captain Holt: You've been needling poor Peralta so much, you've practically made him a new suit.
Kevin: "Needled him a new suit." Even when we're fighting, you're hilarious. Stop it. Stop it.

Jake: Hello, good sir, I'd like your finest bottle of wine, please.
Eric: That will be $1,600.
Jake: Great, I'd like your $8-est bottle of wine, please.

Sergeant Jeffords: Don't move as a group! You're not gazelles!

Rosa: Blink twice if you'd like me to mercy kill you.

Charles: No, there's no one in my life. *wink* Sort of a sad thing to wink about, I realize now.

Jake: Adult parties? I believe they're called orgies.

Amy: Sergeant, I'm learning so much. We both have blue hand towels. We have the same microwave. And, once I buy coasters made out of geodes, we'll both have those.

Scully: I met my wife at an orgy. Well, she was leaving an orgy, and we bumped into each other on the street. Real meet cute.

Sergeant Jeffords: Everyone here needs some instruction on interacting with grown-ups.
Amy: Sergeant, why am I here? I'm always incredibly appropriate. In high school, I was voted "Most Appropriate."
Jake: Ooh, self burn! Those are rare.

Party guest: There's no one funnier than Ray Holt.
Amy: Amen.
Jake: There isn't?!

Amy: Hummus, thoughts?
Captain Holt: I have no thoughts about hummus.

Jake: In fact, I will guarantee you that by the end of the night, Kev and I will be best friends.
Captain Holt: He hates being called Kev.
Jake: Or does he?
Captain Holt: Yes.

Captain Holt: Santiago, are you hiding in my bathroom with a dog you're deathly allergic to?
Amy: No.

Jake: Gina has brought back all the silverware that she stole from your house.
Kevin: What?
Rosa: Also, this clock.
Kevin: Good heavens.
Captain Holt: This isn't ours.

Jake: I can't wait to meet Kevin. I assume he's the fun one in the relationship.

Jake: All books and no magazines. What kind of crappy library's full of books? A crap library. All of the magazines are in the bathroom. Great solve Peralta.

Captain Holt: Apparently my husband Kevin has invited you all to my party. There's very little street parking. No gifts. No singing of Happy Birthday. It should be fun.

Sergeant Jeffords: Charles, you know everything about food. That's all you talk about.
Charles: I don't think anyone will ever know everything about food. It's an evolving discipline.
Sergeant Jeffords: That's great stuff. So boring. Don't waste it.

Sergeant Jeffords: Rosa, stick with Gina. Make sure she doesn't say anything insane. Or steal anything.
Gina: Too late. Don't worry, it's just like hats and scarves and stuff.

Jake: I always talk about smart stuff. You know, the jazz age, what's in a name, the 1950s movies that are from the '50s.
Captain Holt: Those were the categories on Jeopardy last night.

Sergeant Jeffords: Here are the rules. No staring at your phones. No rolling in two hours late. No sweat pants, no jeans and no shorts.

Jake: Yes, great humor words, Raymond.

Jake: I don't think you dislike cop talk. I think you dislike cops.
Kevin: [scoff] I'm married to one.
Jake: I know. And I can't imagine it's been fun watching the man you love marginalized, under appreciated, and disrespected by the NYPD.
Kevin: Because he's gay, Raymond has been put through hell by his colleagues. Many of whom, quite frankly, look exactly like you.
Jake: Devastatingly handsome? I'm sorry. I'm uncomfortable with emotions.
Kevin: So, yes, I decided a long time ago, that just because I love Raymond, doesn't mean I have to love the people he works with. Good solve, detective.
Jake: Nice cop lingo.

Jake: It's from the finest vinyard in Arkansas.
Aww, samesies!

Jake: Happy birthday, you sly old fox. How many spankings is it this year?

Captain Holt: I couldn't be happier you're coming.
Jake: And it shows.

Jake: Aww man. All the orange soda spilt out of my cereal.

Hitchcock: Here, wear my shirt. I was gonna take it off anyway.

Amy: Raymond! Those slacks are a knock-out.
Oh, come on, Amy.

Captain Holt: Can I help you?
Jake: Argh. Captain, I didn't hear you silently sneak up on me.

Gina: What about dress-up shorts? For instance, the kind Jen Aniston might wear.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, those are still shorts. No shorts.

Amy: This neighborhood's just amazing. Class just seeps out of every vestibule.

Captain Holt: I'm not sure you and Kevin will get along.