Captain Holt: The union made it up as a power move. O'Sullivan wants me to issue a statement of public support for the officer, to give them all extra hazard pay and to wear this "Never Forget Burrito" ribbon.
Scully: Weird. It's the exact same color as my Color Blind Awareness ribbon.
Captain Holt: No, it isn't.

Captain Holt: I won't give in to any of their demands. The union is powerful, but I'm sure that most of our uniformed officers understand this incident is nonsense. It is, as Peralta would say, "No big 'whoop.'"
Jake: I appreciate the shout-out, sir, but I actually don't pronounce the H in whoop.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, all the uniformed officers just left. They're staging a walkout.
Charles: Well, it seems I was wrong. The "whoop" is big after all.
Jake: It is. Again, though, there's no H in whoop. It's silent.
Captain Holt: "Whoop."
Jake: Whoop.
Captain Holt: "Whoop."
Jake: Am I crazy? How do you say it?
Charles: I say "whoop."
Jake: Okay.

Captain Holt: No, like the famed weapon of the sea, forged by the Cyclops for Poseidon himself. The trident has three prongs, like my approach.
Jake: Ah, not to interrupt, but Aquaman's trident has five prongs.
Captain Holt: That's absurd. The prefix tri means three. What this aquatic-man carries is better termed a "pentadent."
Jake: No, it's a trident. They call it that in the original theatrical release and the Snyder cut. So you're 100% wrong, and everyone's laughing at you.
Captain Holt: Well, regardless, Operation Trident has three prongs. Prong one, Boyle and Peralta.
Jake: Oh, nice, the most important prong.
Charles: Mm-hmm.
Captain Holt: Wrong. Prong two, the center prong, is the most important prong on a trident. It's the longest and straightest and breaks the least often.
Jake: Are you just mad because I questioned you about the Aquaman thing?
Captain Holt: Yes.

Captain Holt: I'm a realist. I knew I wouldn't be able to fix every problem, though I always imagined I could fix some of them. But as a realist, I can now see I haven't fixed a damn thing. The NYPD will never change.
Charles: Sir, if I may... when I thought I was dying, all I could think about was what a disappointment my life had been. But then Jake went to town with me.
Jake: Common friendship phrase.
Charles: And it helped me realize you can't focus on the things you didn't do. Focus on what you did do. And, more importantly, focus on who you did it with.
Captain Holt: Boyle, you're absolutely right.
Charles: I am? My speech turned your life around?
Captain Holt: No, I found it trite and uninspiring, but something you said resonated. Focus on the things you didn't do.
Charles: I said not to focus on the things you didn't do.
Captain Holt: Again, your speech meant nothing. I'm just picking out individual words.
Charles: Sure, sure, yeah. [snaps fingers] Hot damn. I know how to end the Blue Flu. I found a fifth prong.

Charles: All these notes are from the same doctor.
Jake: Everyone got a blood test, and they all had mono. That seems really improbable.
Charles: Yeah, nobody gets mono at this age. You get it as an eight-year-old, and then you're immune.
Jake: Wait, you get it as an eight-year-old? Mono? The kissing disease?
Charles: No, it's the cousin's disease. You get it by kissing your cousins. Oh, I guess we're both right.
Jake: No.
Wait a minute... if you're immune, then you can tell the doctor you're from the Nine-Nine, and when he gives you a mono diagnosis...
Charles: We'll have proof that his notes are fake. [Jake snaps his fingers] Wow. I can't believe all those lazy childhood afternoons playing hide the yam finally paid off. [silence] You see, you take a yam...
Jake: I don't want to know!

Jake: Okay, how about this? We go on a cross-country road trip... Me on a motorcycle, you in my sidecar? [Charles is silent] Or we enter a cooking competition, and you "Ratatouille" me from inside of a giant chef's hat? [Charles is silent] [Jake groans] I track down Diane Wiest, and you finally try and use your hall pass? You're smiling, so I guess that one's it. Oof, going with Wiest, huh? I got to be honest, Boyle... I'm not so sure you can pull that off. I mean, her career is red hot. She just did a movie with Streep.
Charles: No, Jake. That's not why I'm smiling. I'm smiling because you know me so well.
Jake: Yeah, we're best friends. Of course I know you.
Charles: Well, as perfect as all your ideas were, nothing tops sitting here with my best friend. I mean, why would I want to go to town on Diane Wiest when I can go to town with you?
Jake: What?
Charles: Hang out. Go to town with each other. It's a common friendship phrase.
Jake: Haven't heard it.

Captain Holt: Oh, looks like we're adding a prong. Operation Trident is now Operation Fork.
Sergeant Jeffords: Isn't there a cooler word than "fork"? I mean, something more like "trident."
Captain Holt: Oh, no, did everyone assume I was trying to be cool? Is that why things are going so poorly? Damn it, I've got to call Peralta.

Amy: These are pedometers, which will prove that you're actually walking your beat. [detectives groan] But whoever gets the most steps in will receive seven days of overtime. Therefore, you'll be one week closer to retirement.
Scully: And one week closer to a couple's massage with your best friend on his sex barge. [detectives cheering]

Captain Holt: Okay, O'Sullivan, there's McCaffery coming out of Perdue Pet Supplies with the mouse that he put in the burrito. So there's no need for tactical gear or a Never Forget Burrito ribbon or any of that. You need to call off the Blue Flu.
Frank O'Sullivan: Are you crazy? My guys are under attack.
Captain Holt: No, I just proved that it wasn't an attack. He faked it.
Frank O'Sullivan: Not that attack, this attack... The one where you call a policeman a liar.
Captain Holt: He is a liar.
Frank O'Sullivan: Oh, dear, my God. You just did it again. Do you understand the worst thing you could do to another person is to call that person a liar? You hate cops. That's a fact.
Captain Holt: I-I-I just thought the Blue Flu was about a mouse in a burrito.
Frank O'Sullivan: Well, it was, but now it's about you saying it wasn't.
Captain Holt: Well, that doesn't make any sense.
Frank O'Sullivan: So you're calling me stupid?
Captain Holt: That's not what I said!
Frank O'Sullivan: You're calling me a liar?
Captain Holt: I just don't know how to talk to someone like you.
Frank O'Sullivan: Someone like me? Wow. That's racist.
Captain Holt: Oh, this is a very frustrating conversation.

Captain Holt: The union can't be reasoned with. I need an update. Prong one.
Jake: More broken than ever.
Captain Holt: Ah, well, I never had any faith in you anyway.

Captain Holt: Santiago, how's prong two doing?
Amy: We're killing it. According to the pedometers I put on the Hitchcock-and-Scullys, they're out walking their beat. And it's all thanks to these guys.
Scully: Hey.
Hitchcock: [on video call] Screw you, Amy.
Amy: No, I was complimenting you.
Hitchcock: Well, screw you anyway.

Captain Holt: As for prong four, Jeffords is recording the officers' secret meeting as we speak. And I expect he'll be bursting into my office any minute with the proof we need to end the Blue Flu.
[later:]
Sergeant Jeffords: I got the proof we need to end the Blue Flu.
Captain Holt: Wait, really?
Sergeant Jeffords: Why so surprised? That was the plan.
Captain Holt: Yes, but earlier, I was talking to the squad, and I put a lot of pressure on this moment, which I then regretted. I feared I might be hoist on my own petard.
Sergeant Jeffords: No petard hoisting here. They talked about everything in front of me... How they planned the whole thing, how long they were gonna pretend to be sick.
Captain Holt: And you recorded it all, despite your own illness. I must say, I'm impressed.
Sergeant Jeffords: Because of how tough I am, right?
Captain Holt: The toughest.
Frank O'Sullivan: [on tape] Okay, first things first. We got to get... [stomach gurgling]
Captain Holt: What... what is that?
Sergeant Jeffords: I had the mic close to my chest. So I guess it must have picked up my stomach noises, but I'm sure it stops eventually. [stomach gurgling on tape] More stomach. More stomach. It's all stomach.
Captain Holt: And there it is... the petard.

Amy: I need your help. Our arrests are still way down. But according to the pedometers, our Hitchcock-and-Scullys are out there logging miles on the beat. How are they not seeing crimes?
Hitchcock: [on video call] How do you know they're walking?
Amy: I just told you... Their pedometer numbers are through the roof.
Scully: Oh, poor, simple Amy. It's like you've ever had to mess with a medical device in order to trick your life insurance agent. Watch and learn.
[cut to Scully and Amy standing outside a massage chair store filled with police officers:]
Amy: They're just using the massage chairs to jiggle their pedometers.
Hitchcock: Life always finds a way.
Amy: To do what?
Scully: To do nothing.

Charles: Dr. Mintleman's just working his normal job and not being a criminal. I can't believe this is how I'm spending my final days.
Jake: Maybe it doesn't have to be. Screw this case. What's something you've always wanted to do? Do you have a bucket list?
Charles: Well, yeah, but, I mean, it's only one item.
Jake: Great. Whatever it is, we're doing it.
Charles: Live to be 110.
Jake: Come on!
Charles: I thought I found a loophole!

Charles: [cell phone rings] Oh. Oh, God. It's my biopsy results.
Jake: What does it say?
Charles: I don't know. I'm too nervous. I can't read it.
Jake: It's not cancer.
Charles: Not cancer.
Jake: It's an infection, and it's highly treatable.
Charles: I'm not gonna die?
Jake: You're not gonna die!
Charles: Oh, we got to celebrate. Does it say if it's safe to ride a two-person banana boat?
Jake: I don't know. Let me check. It doesn't say.
Charles: Oh, well...

Captain Holt: The lab faked the blood results. None of the officers are actually sick, which means they have no excuse to miss work.
Frank O'Sullivan: Well, unfortunately, that is...
Captain Holt: Stop. I know you're gonna twist my words into some vicious attack on you and the NYPD. So, before you do that, I'd like the pleasure of making the vicious attack myself.
Jake: Sir, your insults are kind of known to be little too think-y, maybe you should just let...
Captain Holt: O'Sullivan, you are a [bleep], and I hope your [bleep] get shoved right into your [bleep].
Jake: Wow. Well, that was definitely not too think-y.

Frank O'Sullivan: Okay, okay, okay. You got me. The men didn't have mono. They weren't sick.
Captain Holt: Damn right.
Frank O'Sullivan: But they are now.
Captain Holt: What?
Frank O'Sullivan: It seems they had a meeting, and somebody showed up with a very bad stomach bug and gave it to everyone there. I believe the officer's name was a, uh, Lieutenant Jeffords.
Captain Holt: The petard. It just won't stop hoisting.

Jake: Hey there, sir. You missed the morning briefing. And I see you found Charles's cheese.
Captain Holt: Mmm, it pairs well with despair and also this 1976 Chateau Haut-Brion.
Sergeant Jeffords: Doesn't seem like the kind of bottle you're supposed to chug.
Captain Holt: I bought it the day I joined the force with the intent to open it when I became commissioner.
Scully: Oh, my gosh, this is big news. Congratulations, sir.
Amy: No, he's not becoming commissioner, Scully.

Frank O'Sullivan: So I gather you're ready to cave to my demands.
Captain Holt: Why would I do that?
Frank O'Sullivan: Give me a break. Your arrests are way down, and your CompStat numbers are terrible.
Captain Holt: I think those numbers look great.
Frank O'Sullivan: No, you don't.
Captain Holt: Well, not those numbers. Obviously, they make it look like we haven't done much at all this week. But a friend of mine told me something unintentionally interesting... focus on what you didn't do. So here's what we didn't do this week. With fewer officers at our disposal and none of them trying to hit CompStat numbers, we made fewer bad arrests. Number of complaints against officers, down 32%. Number of cases thrown out at arraignment for insufficient evidence, down 34%. And here's the most important thing we didn't do. We didn't make the community less safe. Rates of major and violent crime, what actually matters, stayed the same.
Frank O'Sullivan: What are you saying?
Captain Holt: I'm saying the Nine-Nine just became a case study for how a police force can work better with fewer police.
Frank O'Sullivan: Are you actually talking about laying off cops?
Captain Holt: If these numbers persist, I may have no choice.
Frank O'Sullivan: Then I'll just end the Blue Flu.
Captain Holt: Great. That's what I want.
Frank O'Sullivan: Then I won't end the Blue Flu.
Captain Holt: Great. Fewer cops. That's what I want.
Frank O'Sullivan: You just said that... This is a very frustrating conversation.

Jake: Okay, awesome. Very inspiring. Now, on to more important things. I have obtained from Rosa a photograph... of Captain Holt's tattoo.
All: Oh.
Jake: I'm sorry, Captain, but there's nothing you can do that will stop me from revealing that your secret and embarrassing tattoo is... a dot?
Amy: Huh?
Captain Holt: It's a decimal point. Ah, what a first-thought mathematical symbol. Might as well have gotten a greater-than or equal-to sign.
Jake: I can't believe I spent $2,000 on a dot.
Amy: You did?
Jake: I know, Amy! We're both upset about the same thing! [chuckles] I got to call Rosa.

Captain Holt: This is bogus. The officer called in a to-go order under the name Tom. The restaurant had no idea he was a cop when they made the food or packed the bag. So, clearly, he wasn't targeted for "being a police officer."
Charles: I've always wanted to try mouse meat. I hear it's really tasty.
Jake: From who?

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, guess what.
Captain Holt: Lieutenant, I thought you went home.
Sergeant Jeffords: I did, but some uniforms heard that I called out sick, and they assumed I was joining the Blue Flu. They invited me to a meeting tomorrow to talk strategy.
Captain Holt: You could go record them admitting that they don't actually have mono. That is, if you're up to it.
Sergeant Jeffords: Hell, yeah. Terry's gonna tough it out. Terry's also gonna drink some raspberry leaf tea that Sharon uses to help her with menstrual cramps.

Captain Holt: I haven't gone through decades of hell to become a captain in the NYPD just to cave to a clown like O'Sullivan. We can't let him win, and we won't.
Sergeant Jeffords: But how? What are we gonna do?
Captain Holt: I'm initiating Operation Trident.
Charles: Cool. Just like the sugarless gum... Because we're gonna chew them up.

Amy: Oh, you guys still have lunch together?
Hitchcock: [on video call] Twice a day, every day.
Amy: Look, I need help figuring out how to inspire these new guys. What motivates you?
Scully: Well, I'd do anything to retire and spend the rest of my days with Hitchcock in Brazil.
Amy: Huh. That's actually pretty helpful.
Hitchcock: That's the dream... Scully and me on the sex barge I'm building.
Amy: Ah! Okay. Scully was already helpful. You don't have to keep talking.

Captain Holt: Peralta, where are we with the doctor?
Jake: We're gonna tail him and see if he contacts O'Sullivan.
Captain Holt: Smart. And, uh, what is going on with Detective Boyle? Is he okay?
Jake: Oh, you mean why is he face-deep in cheese? Yeah, it's made from the milk of a Balkan donkey and apparently it's quite expensive.
Charles: Spent twelve thou on ass cheese.
Jake: Also, he's pretending like he doesn't know what ass cheese sounds like.
Amy: Are you sure he should be working?
Jake: His doctor said there's nothing to worry about until we get the actual test results back. And Charles said that work is the only thing keeping him from thinking about death.
Charles: Coat's to keep me warm... in my grave.
Jake: I mean, he's not doing great.

Captain Holt: Prong two... Jeffords and Santiago, your job is to keep crime down. Figure out how we police this precinct with no police.
Sergeant Jeffords: Prong two, baby... the best prong.
Jake: I mean, we're all in it together. It's not like this is a competition between prongs.
Amy: Says the prong who breaks the most.

Captain Holt: Ah, there they are... prong one, my most important prong.
Jake: Oh, thank you. Nice of you to finally recognize what our prong brings to this.
Charles: Life is a cruel prank played on the living. Death mocks us all. Time to go tell my son he'll be an orphan... again.
Jake: So, yeah. Prong one pretty much broke immediately. I'm gonna call HR. Get ahead of that butt.

Captain Holt: Wait. I may not have to deal with you. Santiago, how's prong two looking?
Amy: Well, the good news is the Scully-and-Hitchcocks actually work well together.
Captain Holt: That is good news.
Amy: The bad news is it's at making a back-scratch circle.
Scully: I always wondered what it would be like to have a tight-knit work family. Nine-Nine!
All: Nine-Nine!

Captain Holt: Prong three is proving they faked the mouse in the burrito. If we can demonstrate this was a media stunt, the uniforms will have to come back to work. But this investigation must be done unofficially with an investigator from outside the NYPD, aka Rosa Diaz.
Jake: It's a good idea, but she's not gonna like being one of those dinky side prongs.
Captain Holt: That's a good point. I'll make hers the sharpest. Dismissed.
Jake: What? No! I want to be a sharp prong! That's not fair!

Amy: Prong two update... I brought in our night-shift detectives to handle the dispatch calls and respond to major crimes...
Sergeant Jeffords: [stomach gurgling] Sorry. That's Terry's tummy. I'm feeling a little nauseous. Must've been something I had for breakfast.
Captain Holt: Well, do you have to go home, or can you tough it out?
Sergeant Jeffords: So, if Terry goes home, he's not tough?
Amy: Here we go.
Captain Holt: Lieutenant, we don't have the time today to make this about some larger insecurity you have regarding your toughness.
Sergeant Jeffords: First of all, I'm not insecure about my toughness. Secondly, being sick has nothing to do with being tough. Thirdly, if I wasn't tough, would I be daring Amy to punch me in the stomach?
Amy: Wha...
Sergeant Jeffords: Come on, Amy! Give me your best shot!
Amy: Fine. Just so that we can move on. [punches Terry's stomach]
Sergeant Jeffords: [grunts] [stomach gurgling] See? I'm fine. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go for a walk in the fresh air with my best friend, the trash can. I'll be back 'cause I'm tough!

Captain Holt: Let's talk quickly before he returns and makes this all about himself again.
Amy: Okay. We can't use uniforms from other precincts because they'll call out sick, too. So I asked the other captains in the district to lend us some detectives.
Captain Holt: Smart. They have a different union.
Amy: And they each sent us two people. They said they were happy to do it.
Captain Holt: Huh. That's odd. I wouldn't be happy to give up two of my detectives, unless...
Amy: Dear God.
[later:]
Amy: They sent us their Hitchcock-and-Scullys.
Captain Holt: It's a nightmare.

Captain Holt: Thank you for giving Peralta the doctored photo.
Rosa: My allegiances are to the highest bidder.
Captain Holt: And you'll never tell anyone what you saw?
Rosa: They wouldn't believe me if I did. I mean, come on, sir. It's a picture of...

Doctor Mintleman: Now, that is interesting.
Charles: Oh, did you find a sign of mono?
Doctor Mintleman: No, it's your testicle.
Charles: My what?
Doctor Mintleman: The left one is enormous.
Charles: Oh, well, can't one testicle be larger than the other?
Doctor Mintleman: Well, yes, but it shouldn't be that large. And also of concern is the shape and the color...
Jake: [listening outside] Yeah, that doesn't sound good.
Doctor Mintleman: And the texture. Wow! Oh, that is ice cold!

Charles: So...
Jake: So...
Charles: You heard all that?
Jake: I did.
Charles: Even the part where he's talking about my huge...
Jake: Yep. Yep, yep, yep. All the parts. You okay?
Charles: Yeah. I mean, could be cancer. Might have spread. But I'm fine. I can handle this.
Jake: You sure about that? 'Cause you're still wearing your hospital gown there, bud.
Charles: So I am.

Captain Holt: Ah, there she is. My sweet secret prong three.
Rosa: What the hell?
Captain Holt: Oh, right. You weren't there when I explained Operation Trident.

Captain Holt: So, uh, what did you find?
Rosa: Nothing yet, and if you want me to keep digging, we need to talk about my fee. I need cash. Most of my other work is pro bono.
Captain Holt: This is unofficial. I can't pay.
Rosa: Right, but there is something you can give me, something just as valuable as money. I want to see your tattoo.
Captain Holt: That's just as valuable?
Rosa: It is to Jake. He's offered a significant reward.
Captain Holt: Wow. It is so ridiculous how much weight you've all given to my silly tattoo, like it's some huge secret that I'll take to my grave.
Rosa: I notice you haven't said yes yet.
Captain Holt: 'Cause no one can ever know. Okay, fine. If you can prove how that mouse got into that burrito, I'll tell you what my tattoo is.
Rosa: I need a photo of it.
Captain Holt: You're a monster.

Captain Holt: Here's where we stand. The Blue Flu continues. O'Sullivan and the union won't budge on their mouse-burrito demands. Also, arrests are down. Santiago, Jeffords, what on earth happened yesterday?
Amy: The new detectives won't do anything I ask. And I've had to work solo.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry. I was feeling a little sick, but I am much better now.
Captain Holt: You look like garbage. Now, I know you're trying to tough this out, but I've always believed that true toughness means acknowledging your own limitations. It's okay, Terry. Go home.
Sergeant Jeffords: Thank you, sir. I'll be back in a jiffy. [stomach gurgles] [exits]
Captain Holt: I can't believe he bought that drivel. True toughness means working through pain. Everyone knows that.

Captain Holt: Diaz, why the hush-hush meeting?
Rosa: Because in one minute, you're gonna be showing me your tramp stamp.
Captain Holt: I don't have a tramp stamp.
Rosa: Prove it. Show me your lower back.
Captain Holt: Hmm. Seems I didn't know what a tramp stamp was. But I'm not gonna show you anything until you've solved the case.
Rosa: Surveillance footage of McCaffery entering a pet store and buying a mouse an hour before he found it in his burrito.
Captain Holt: He set the whole thing up. Diaz, you did it.
Rosa: And now... my payment.

Jake: [on the phone] No, Operation Fork is definitely not cool. Uh, yeah, things are going good here. We're just staking out the doctor and trying to keep a low profile. [Charles plays music]
♪ And I'll be your brightest... ♪
Jake: [stops music] Sorry about that. Just had a bit of a noisy neighbor. [Charles resumes music]
♪ I'll be... ♪
Jake: You know what, sir? We have another noisy neighbor. I'm just gonna call you back. Bye. [stops music] All right, Charles, I get it. You're scared. But sometimes it helps to say our fears out loud. You know, if you put words to them, it can take away some of their powers. So come on. Stop bottling up those fears and get them out in the open.
Charles: Okay, well... [sighs] I'm scared that whatever's in my testicle has spread and that I'm gonna die. And then I'll never get to see Nikolaj grow up. And I won't know what kind of man he becomes. Also, my time with you will be cut short. No more stakeouts or drinks after a long shift or midnight calls when you've had a breakthrough in a case. I've always had this image of us in our 90s hunting down criminals at the retirement home. But I guess that was just a dumb fantasy... because soon I won't be here anymore... because I'll be dead and gone and you won't ever see me again. Jake, are you crying?
Jake: [crying] No. Yes.