Quotes from ‘Gray Star Mutual’

Gray Star Mutual

Gray Star Mutual
Season 5, Episode 18 - Aired April 22, 2018

When a fire destroys Charles' food truck, Pimento (guest star Jason Mantzoukas) unexpectedly shows up to the scene as the insurance agent. Meanwhile, Rosa helps Amy to see that it's okay to get excited about picking her wedding dress, and Gina and Terry coach Holt in the art of social media.

Quote from Amy

Rosa: So what do you think?
Amy: Mm, I don't love the sash. But it's fine. I'm just gonna get it.
Rosa: What? That's the first one you tried on. I once saw you look at 54 different accordion folders and not buy any of them due to weak tabs.
Amy: I file hard. I need strong tabs.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Well, if I'm being honest, I would like a prettier dress.
Rosa: There you go.
Amy: And I would like it to have some lace.
Rosa: Uh-huh.
Amy: And a sweetheart neckline, thank you very much.
Rosa: What else?
Amy: And I want a mermaid cut with tulip sleeves.
Rosa: Say it again. Say it loud.
Amy: A mermaid cut with tulip frickin' sleeves!

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: I'm an insurance investigator now.
Charles: I thought you were in Alaska.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, yeah, I was, after Rosa and I broke up, but then I accidentally killed a "protected buffalo" self-defense. Next thing I know, Fish and Game are all over my ass. I ended up in a fight with a bear, and I had to think to myself, why am I even here?
Jake: Wait a minute. You fought a bear?
Adrian Pimento: Big time. The trick on that: head-butt him in the penis, push him over a cliff.
Jake: Ah, I bet that works with a lot of animals.
Adrian Pimento: Only the male ones. Learned that the hard way.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Come on, you know we didn't commit arson.
Charles: Adrian, this is us.
Jake: Not the TV show.
Charles: We are your friends.
Jake: Not the movie.
Charles: You got to have faith.
Jake: Not the song. Are you doing this on purpose?
Charles: The third one, yes.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: If you really think it's necessary, I will establish a social media presence. But I'll be setting up my own accounts, and I assure you, I won't be resorting to foolish gimmicks involving my dog.
Gina: Uh, you might want to rethink that stance, because how cute would Cheddar look in this hat?
Captain Holt: Please. When it comes to clothes, Cheddar wears little booties in the snow, or Cheddar wears nothing.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Oh, my God, he had so much proof.
Charles: I can't believe he was on "Cash Cab" at the exact moment my truck burned down.
Jake: And he did so well. He named every member of The Monkees.
Charles: He even got Tork.
Jake: No one gets Tork.
Charles: I know.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Well, I have already set up my accounts, and not to toot my own bugle, but I think I did an admirable job.
Gina: Oh, okay, what's your handle? I'll be your first follower.
Captain Holt: It's @5261796d6e6420486f6c74. It spells "Raymond Holt" in hexadecimal code. Clever, right?

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Captain, are you sure you wouldn't like some help with this?
Captain Holt: Oh, no need. Now, for my first tweet, I think I should give an update on the water main break that's actually informative. "NYC H20-Main SITREP: at 2040 ED current PSI 456 MAX CAP 204000 LPM." Suck on that tasty lemon drop, Olivia Crawford.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Oh, look at that. An alert. I'm probably trending already. What? My account has been deactivated?
Gina: Twitter thinks you're a bot.
Captain Holt: Why? I am a human. I am a human male.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: [shouting a tweet outloud] "Kudos to our brave officers"!
Sergeant Jeffords: Hey, now.
Gina: Whoa! What is going on?
Captain Holt: It's in all caps.

Quote from Jake

Charles: I can't. I'm in so much debt. I took out a loan for the truck. I got Amy to invest. No, the only way out of this hole is to keep digging.
Jake: That's not how holes work. Title of your sex tape.

Quote from Charles

Adrian Pimento: Look, I've caught enough arsonists in my day to know that the owner always does it. Chuck, how's the truck been doing?
Charles: Pretty terrible.
Adrian Pimento: Hmm?
Charles: I was just saying, it's a miracle it burned down.

Quote from Charles

Adrian Pimento: Charles, this isn't looking good for you. Anybody else that might have done this? Any enemies?
Charles: Well, my dad's best friend and I have a pretty intense rivalry, but I don't think my aunt would do anything illegal.

Quote from Charles

Jake: I'm so glad he didn't head-butt me in the penis.
Charles: That's all I was thinking about.

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: This is ridiculous. This has nothing to do with police work.
Sergeant Jeffords: Exactly. It's about being noticed, and right now, no one is noticing you.
Gina: I didn't even realize we were talking to a third party, presently.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: What the hell? How come I didn't know? I thought we were supposed to be friends. Oh, wait a minute. Did this, like, just happen?
Jake: Well, it was at Halloween.
Adrian Pimento: Wha- no, that's so long ago! Charles, are you just finding out about this too?
Charles: No, I was there.
Adrian Pimento: You were there? Who else? Who else got to be a part of this?
Jake: Nobody, you know, just Holt, and Terry, and Rosa.
Adrian Pimento: Okay.
Jake: And Hitchcock and Scully.
Adrian Pimento: Seriously?
Jake: And this creepy guy named Bill.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, come on! I'm the creepy guy that's supposed to be at stuff that you have happen.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Do you really think the insurance company will replace Adrian as the investigator on my case?
Jake: Yeah. It's Gray Star Mutual "Where the feeling is mutual." And right now we're feeling like we want a new investigator.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: First you cut me out of your lives, then you try and get me fired? My therapist was right about you guys. You're a couple of dinguses.
Jake: You have a therapist?
Adrian Pimento: Yeah, he's helping me work on my rotator cuff.
Charles: Oh, I see, it's a physical therapist.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, he's very physical, Charles. Very physical.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Terry teared up. I love when calamity brings people together.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: Oh, is that right, Jake? Are we still friends? If that's the case, then when did I lose my virginity?
Jake: Oh, man, you've told us so many intense graphic sex stories.
Adrian Pimento: I have! But a true friend always remembers a friend's first.
Charles: Jake, we know this! It's got to be one of the swamps. Uh, Florida swamp, or Okefenokee Swamp, or oh, was it a bayou?
Jake: No, no, no! I've got it. Summer of '91, at a screening of "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves".
Adrian Pimento: Well done. It was Bryan Adams' soundtrack and Kevin Costner's flawless British accent that put us in the mood to get gross.

Quote from Jake

Jake: [gasps] The feeling wasn't mutual.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Captain, I'm trying to get your account reinstated, but it could take a while. They say they have a lot of Nazi stuff on the front burner.

Quote from Gina

Gina: And when you tweet again, you should probably stop communicating in numbers, kay?
Captain Holt: There's a 0% chance of that.

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: Apparently, one of the candidates for commissioner tweeted a picture of the water main break and accidentally included a link to his favorite pornographic website-
Gina: Mm.
Captain Holt: Cosplay-butts-n-boobs.com.
Gina: Amateur move. You should never copy-paste if you're a perv.

Quote from Captain Holt

Gina: And why is Cheddar wearing a beret?
Captain Holt: Uh, Kevin saw your photos and was amused, so we started an Instagram account for Cheddar, who now has over 14,000 followers.
Gina: Hoo-whee!
Captain Holt: It's an incredible feeling.

Quote from Hitchcock

Scully: Oh, is that the wedding dress from the Erica Somerfield 2018 fall collection?
Hitchcock: No way, the bodice is totally different.
Rosa: Why do you two know so much about wedding dresses?
Hitchcock: They're the only thing you can look at around here with safe search on!

Quote from Rosa

Amy: All right, that's enough. Can we all get back to police work and stop talking about wedding dresses?
Rosa: No. We're gonna talk about them, because while wearing a wedding dress, you leapt over a couch, sprinted down an alley, and jumped off a car to subdue the crap out of a perp like you were Wonder Woman. It was pretty cool, wasn't it? Amy, you are an amazing cop and a great leader, and you have proven that a billion times over. You can't let other people's opinions get in the way of what you want, especially because other people suck.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Yes, I am out of the food truck business, and I no longer start spontaneously weeping.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: I got a way better job now. I'm working at one of those fancy hand lotion stores. Spoiler alert: I have a gun again, and I've gotten to use it three times. You would be surprised how often teenage girls try and shoplift mango hand cream.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, Charles, want to grab a beer before you go home?
Charles: Ooh, a yeast feast.
Jake: Never mind.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Charles, I highly doubt the entire food truck industry is racing to get into this one spot. It's not "Mad Max".
Charles: We're neck and neck with rice pudding. You got Korean tacos on your six.
Jake: Oh, my God, it's real. We're on the Fury Road. Witness me, blood bag!

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: If the mayor wants to make me the next NYPD commissioner, it'll be because of my record and my qualifications, not my social media presence. This is a serious job.
Sergeant Jeffords: I know. But like it or not, the decision is political, and social media is a part of politics now. You need a Twitter account.
Captain Holt: Not gonna happen. The whole thing is inane. Besides, 140 characters is far more than anyone needs to make a point.
Sergeant Jeffords: They actually upped it to 280.
Captain Holt: Oh, good God.

Quote from Jake

Jake: You just have to find a way to reduce expenses. I've started saving $200 a month just by buying "John Wick" instead of renting it every two nights.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, look, I hate to ask this, but have you considered shutting the truck down? You're always bragging about how much Boyles love to give up.

Quote from Amy

Rosa: Wait. Why'd you close your laptop so fast? What are you hiding?
Amy: Nurthing.
Rosa: You're hiding something.
Amy: What? Just 'cause I said "nurthing"?
Rosa: Yes.

Quote from Rosa

Amy: There was no subtle side look.
Rosa: You're right, 'cause it wasn't subtle. It was an unsubtle side look at that dress in the shop. Why are you being such a nutjob about looking for a wedding dress?
Amy: Because being a female sergeant is difficult. I have to work twice as hard to gain my officers' respect, and looking at girly dresses isn't going to help.
Plus, it's a new job, and I need to make it a priority.
Rosa: Dude, I get that, but if you want a beautiful wedding dress, you deserve to find one.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: Anyway, you know that if you guys want to get in touch with me, there's easier ways than burning down your truck, right?
Charles: What? Burning down my truck?
Adrian Pimento: Yeah, it's obviously arson, you did it, you're not gonna get a dime and are probably gonna go to jail. So what's going on with you guys? Give me that juicy Nine-Nine goss, am I right?

Quote from Charles

Charles: Troy's not home, but I say we wait. I have some hard questions for that rice pudding bastard.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Jake: So, Adrian, how's life as an insurance investigator?
Adrian Pimento: It's amazing. At Gray Star Mutual, they let me do whatever I want, as long as I'm getting that job done, and you know I am. Last week, I waterboarded a dude.
Jake: Oh, that's not legal.
Adrian Pimento: Doesn't matter. I'm not a cop.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: Anyway, what's up with you guys? Hey, Jake, who you porking?
Jake: Uh, I guess Amy and I are still - I don't want to say it.
Adrian Pimento: Yep.
Jake: Porking.
Adrian Pimento: Yeah, you are. Nice.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: Say it with me, Jake. You've been-
Jake: Denied!
Adrian Pimento: Butt-slammed!
Adrian Pimento: Wait, what?
Jake: Denied, like the stamp?
Adrian Pimento: Oh, that is so much better. "Butt-slammed" is so stupid.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Move your ass, you old bitch!
Jake: What is happening?
Charles: We have to get there by 7:00 when they lift the parking restrictions. It's the best spot in Brooklyn, and everyone wants it. Get the hell out of the way!

Quote from Jake

Jake: That was the most stressful thing I've ever gone through, and I was wrongfully imprisoned last year.

Quote from Charles

Charles: That was fun. Every aspect of owning a food truck is fun. It is fun, fun, fun.

Quote from Charles

Charles: Jake, I have a confession to make. The food truck is kind of stressing me out.

Quote from Gina

Sergeant Jeffords: Bad news, Captain. A water main burst downtown. There's been several injuries.
Captain Holt: Oh, that's unfortunate.
Gina: And the victims are in our blah-blah-blah, but tell him the real tragedy, Terry.
Sergeant Jeffords: Olivia Crawford-
Gina: AKA your main commish competish-
Sergeant Jeffords: Tweeted a statement addressing the water main break, and she's been retweeted by the mayor.

Quote from Gina

Captain Holt: Anyway, I don't see how this is bad news.
Gina: Because the commissioner race, like all of life, is a popularity contest, and Olivia is sitting at the hot senior table whilst you are eating lunch alone.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Charles, look, you're gonna find your way out of this, I swear. It's all gonna work out.
Charles: You're right. You know, if I just work hard and stay positive, I'm sure it'll be a huge success and everything will be okay.
Jake: There you go.
Charles: [phone ringing] Hello? Oh. Okay. No, thank you. So my truck burned down.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Hey. Someone robbed a bodega on 4th Street. It's the fifth one this week.
Amy: It's so sad that someone's targeting bodegas. They're part of the fabric of New York.
Rosa: You shop at them a lot?
Amy: No. They overcharge for everything, and they sell rat poison right next to the bananas.
Rosa: Yeah, they're gross. I hope they never change.

Quote from Amy

Rosa: Aww, you're looking at wedding dresses? That one's dope.
Amy: That's not what I was doing. My computer must've gone to this site on its own.
Rosa: How is that possible?
Amy: It's broken, Y2K. I'll fix it. [puts laptop in a filing cabinet] There, it's fixed.
Rosa: You're weird.
Amy: I know.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, look, Charles, I know you're upset, but maybe there's a silver lining here. I mean, you had insurance, right?
Charles: Yeah. I already called them.
Jake: So maybe you'll get some money for this, and you can pay off your debts, starting with Amy. I'm sorry, that was selfish. Forget I said it. You can pay off your debts, starting with Amy. Whoops, I did it again.

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