Quotes from ‘Bachelor/ette Party’

Bachelor/ette Party

Bachelor/ette Party
Season 5, Episode 19 - Aired April 29, 2018

Charles plans an elaborate scavenger hunt for Jake's bachelor party, but the day goes awry when the guys decide to take some short cuts instead. Meanwhile, Amy's bachelorette party escalates when the ladies realize she previously slept with a member of her soon-to-be wedding band.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: I'm hungry!
Charles: Oh, you're in luck; the fanny pack is filled with granola.
Jake: Mmm! Loose granola.
Sergeant Jeffords: I don't want fanny granola! I want steaks and whiskey!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Here comes the bachelor, all dressed in my nice jacket I only wear for special events.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: And gentlemen, welcome to my bachelor party. This is the elite party squad. That is, assuming the captain is ready to let loose?
Captain Holt: Captain? I don't think so. I want you guys to think of me as one of the boys. So tonight I'll be swapping out my captain's hat for my Kangol hat. Call me Raymond.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, Raymond in the Kangol hat, I will definitely call you Raymond, Raymond in the Kangol hat. This is the best night of my life.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Sharon gave me permission to get wasted. She's even putting a pasta pot next to the bed in case I hurl.
Jake: Smart. I'm definitely putting a pasta pot on our wedding registry.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Charles, tell us everything we're doing tonight.
Charles: Well, that could take a long time. I've been planning this bachelor party for ten years.
Jake: But I met Amy eight years ago.
Charles: What does she have to do with this? JK. I'm happy for you both.

Quote from Charles

Charles: No, no, tonight is about creating a bond that will last forever. Tonight is about The Batch Boys.
Jake: Eh, we can brainstorm the name later.
Charles: No, we can't because I already made fanny packs.
Jake: Ah, well, that settles that.
Captain Holt: This, uh, clearly says "Bach Boys".
Charles: No, it's "batch". You know, like the beginning of "bachelor". I've been working on this for ten years don't ruin it!

Quote from Jake

Jake: Okay, so let's fanny up, Batch Boys, because it's time to party.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Whoop whoop!
Jake: Yes. Whoop whoop, Raymond in the Kangol. Let's go.

Quote from Amy

Amy: I'm so excited for tonight. Thank you to my best friend, Kylie, for organizing this. And thank you for coming, ladies and gentlemen.
Rosa: I still don't get why you guys are here.
Hitchcock: Well, as I understand it, Amy lost some sort of bet with Jake.
Amy: It's true. In hindsight, we should probably stop making major decisions through bets and competitions.

Quote from Scully

Gina: More importantly, why are you guys dressed like that? You look like you're on "Empire".
Scully: That's what we were going for. Drip drop.

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: We brought you a little gift. I had to guess on cup size.
Rosa: Just gonna burn that for you.
Amy: Thank you.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Amy, I too have a gift, okay? Tonight, until the stroke of midnight, I will not make fun of you in any way at all, no matter what.
Amy: That is so sweet. And my gift to you is a cray-cray night of funky fun!
Gina: I fear I've already made the biggest mistake of my life.

Quote from Hitchcock

Rosa: I'll start. Never have I ever flashed a bartender to get a free drink.
*Hitchcock and Scully take a drink*
Gina: You guys know how the game works, right? You drink if you have done it.
Hitchcock: Oh. We understand.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Is this gonna be one of those scavenger hunts, Boyle? 'Cause that pasta pot isn't filling itself.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Come on, Terry. Let's just see what the plan is. Charles, what are we doing?
Charles: I don't know anything about it. But why don't we take this map and this sextant and chart a course to the restaurant?
Captain Holt: Title of your sex-tant tape.
Jake: Ah, did not work at all, but I love that you attempted it. Title of your sex-tant tape.

Quote from Amy

Kylie: All right, let's go! Never have I ever had sex in the back of a car.
Amy: No way. Everyone's done that?
Rosa: Yeah. Except for you.
Amy: Kylie, you're telling me you had sex in the back of a car?
Kylie: Actually, it was a school bus, on the way back from Model U.N. with Myanmar.
Amy: It's like I don't even know you.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Look, we've done like nine rounds of this, and you haven't drunk once. Maybe we should play something else that actually gets you drunk. I love you, dude, but you haven't had the craziest life.

Quote from Amy

Amy: That's not true. I've done stuff. Just say ones that are a little less wild.
Gina: Uh, never have I ever made a turn without signaling.
Amy: Okay, a turn is a big deal. It's not like you said, never have I ever changed lanes without signaling.
Rosa: Never have I ever changed lanes without signaling.
Amy: You guys are insane!
Kylie: Never have I ever accepted the terms and conditions without reading them.
Amy: It's too risky.
Rosa: Left a movie without watching the credits.
Amy: Those people worked hard.
Gina: Used more than the recommended amount of conditioner.
Amy: They make the conditioner. They know what they're doing.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: We've been at this bachelor party for over an hour, wandering around aimlessly and we haven't done one bachelor party thing!
Captain Holt: Well, Terry, if you'd like, I could share a lewd story. Kevin got me quite horny this morning.
Jake: Oh, see?

Quote from Charles

Charles: Is that a Serbian accent? It is. Write that down for later. I'll see you in six hours.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Six hours? Joe, let us get in the limo, please! Terry's so hungry! No!

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, what about book two? Maybe it's a code. All we have to do is decipher this list of thousands of random numbers.
Captain Holt: Huh, I wonder if one of them is 6-9?
Jake: Pretty sure he means 69, but I'm so hungry I can't even appreciate horndog Raymond.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: If we can figure out where he's going to be at the end of the night, we don't have to do any of his dumb puzzles.
Captain Holt: Right. Instead, we can spend the next six hours eating and drinking and talking about how we lost our V cards.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: All right, I'm not saying I'm on board with this 'cause it's a little bit cruel, but hypothetically, if we were to cheat-
Sergeant Jeffords: Got it. I hacked his email. His password's really easy to guess.
Jake and Captain Holt: Dianne Wiest.

Quote from Gina

Kylie: Yay! Bachelorette adventure!
Gina: Kylie, you should talk less. Sorry, I have to direct it somewhere.
Kylie: Nice to meet you, by the way.

Quote from Scully

Scully: Hey guys, if you're running out, I'm just gonna take Hitchcock to the hospital.
Kylie: Is he okay?
Scully: He drank a lot during "Never Have I Ever". We're gonna get his stomach pumped, try to get ahead of this thing.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: That meat was good. You know what we should order? More meat.

Quote from Captain Holt

Jake: It's Charles.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, no. Oh, no. What do we do? What do we do?
Captain Holt: Everyone, calm down. It'll be fine. I have an idea. ... Why is everyone looking at me?
Jake: You just said you had an idea, then you stopped talking.
Captain Holt: Oh, my goodness. I'm very intoxicated.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: Oh, he's FaceTiming me, you guys. What do I do? He can't know we're at the restaurant. I need a neutral background.
Sergeant Jeffords: I'm a neutral background! I'm huge!
Jake: Yes. Genius.
Sergeant Jeffords: Let me put on my jacket. Okay.

Quote from Charles

Charles: But please hurry. They're torturing me like James Bond in "Casino Royale". It's all groin stuff!

Quote from Gina

Amy: Look, in my defense, he didn't used to have that man bun. It was just a ponytail.
Gina: I'm just gonna write some of my thoughts down just to let them out, so I don't explode.

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Okay, look, no matter how lame that dude's man purse is, Amy Santiago still had a one-night stand. To Amy!

Quote from Amy

Amy: Actually, it technically wasn't just one night.
Rosa: Explain.
Amy: Well, he caught me trying to sneak out the next morning, and then he started crying, so I hugged him, and while we were hugging, um, his mom FaceTimed, and he introduced me as his girlfriend.
Gina: Okay, so then right after the call, you broke up with him, ended it.
Amy: Uhh-
Rosa: How long were you with crying wedding-band man bun?
Amy: Not that long. I doubt he even remembers me.
Constantine: Oh, my God. Amy Santiago. Ladies and gentlemen, the love of my life is here.
Amy: Three months. We dated for three months.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: All right. This is the boat. Now, Charles has to think we're totally sober and we solved his puzzle. So we good?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yep, I'm drunk as hell!
Jake: That's not what I asked.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Don't worry about me. I've seen you do enough of these harebrained schemes to know how to play along. If Charles asks what's wrong, I'll just put on a quaint smile and say, [high-pitched] "Nothing".
Jake: Amazing. That is actually perfect.

Quote from Jake

Jake: All right, now let's hold on to each other for balance like three totally sober grown men.

Quote from Captain Holt

Charles: Now we get to the best part. Steaks and shots!
Jake: Ohh, more meat and alcohol.
Charles: "More?" What does that mean?
Together: Uhh...
Captain Holt: [high-pitched] Nothing?

Quote from Jake

Charles: So there is one question about the scavenger hunt you have to answer. Was he everything you thought he'd be?
Jake: Yes. He was everything I thought he'd be. Never before has a person so perfectly met my expectations.
Charles: I know! Isn't Reginald VelJohnson the best?
Jake: Reginald VelJohnson? From "Die Hard"? Sergeant Powell was a part of my bachelor party? Is what I said upon meeting him. I'm just still emotional about it. I can't believe you pulled that off!

Quote from Charles

Charles: If I could have your eyes, ears, and emotional cores, I'd like to take you all on a journey.
Jake: Wow, you got a lot of photos of my birth.
Charles: Your mom didn't have any pics, so I had to call the hospital.

Quote from Charles

Jake: All right, here's the deal. Terry's coin fell out of his pocket, and we lost it. We just didn't have the heart to tell you.
Charles: Oh, no. That cost $800. All right, Terry will pay me back later.
Sergeant Jeffords: What?

Quote from Charles

Charles: Captain, your coin, please.
Captain Holt: I ate mine.
Charles: You ate your coin?
Captain Holt: Yes, I thought it was chocolate.
Charles: But you hate chocolate. It has "too much taste".

Quote from Jake

Charles: You guys didn't do the scavenger hunt, did you? And you call yourselves The Batch Boys?
Captain Holt: Actually, we call ourselves The Steak Studs.
Jake: Raymond! Why?

Quote from Amy

Constantine: I know why you're here, Turtle Bug.
Amy: I feel like the fact that you just called me that means you don't.

Quote from Gina

Gina: Uh, quick question: If I make fun of Constantine does that count as making fun of you?
Amy: Yes.
Gina: Okay. Can I make fun of you?
Kylie: I'd rather you didn't.
Gina: Well, I have to remove myself from this situation

Quote from Amy

Amy: I'm gonna tell Jake everything. I'm cancelling your band. Boom.
Constantine: Okay! That'll just cost you $15,000.
Amy: Excuse me?
Constantine: Well, when I heard it was your wedding, I knew your fiancée would cancel when he found out about us, so I put in a huge kill fee. Yeah, he never even noticed.
Amy: He didn't read the terms and conditions.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Look, Charles, I'm sorry that we cheated, but your puzzle was too hard.
Charles: Oh, don't give me that excuse. I worked hard on this night! And it all led up to this moment where everyone gives you $3,200 in gold coins!
Jake: Again, is the gold coin thing based on something I said?
Charles: You're 24 karat gold!

Quote from Jake

Jake: I bet Charles is looking for the coins he hid all over the city. They were so expensive. Also, why does he keep saying I'm 24 karat gold?
Sergeant Jeffords: No idea.
Captain Holt: Makes zero sense.
Jake: We'll have to figure it out later.

Quote from Jake

Jake: We cannot do this. We're way too drunk. But there has to be someone that knows where those coins are, right? Charles.
Captain Holt: Charles would know.
Jake: Brilliant! We just have to find Charles, but where might he be?
Sergeant Jeffords: He's probably digging up the gold coins. But who would know where the gold coins are?
Jake: Charles! Charles knows where they are. But where is he- No, wait we're stuck in a loop. We're super drunk and we're in a loop. We need to find someone who isn't Charles who knows where the coins are.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. It's Reginald VelJohnson.
Reginald VelJohnson: What's going on? Who are you?
Jake: I'm Jake Peralta. You were part of my bachelor party tonight.
Reginald VelJohnson: Oh, you're the jerk who didn't show.
Jake: He knows who I am! [squeal]

Quote from Amy

Amy: Okay, so I need to come up with 15 grand or my father/daughter dance is going to be performed by that.

Quote from Amy

Rosa: Wrong. You're forgetting the most obvious option. Steal the contract and destroy it.
Amy: Destroy a legal document? I can't do that. You were right, I'm a boring square who's never actually had a crazy, stranger bone session.

Quote from Gina

Amy: Gina, your looks are just as hurtful as your words.
Gina: I'm sorry. I can only control so much. I shouldn't have come back.

Quote from Hitchcock

Hitchcock: I'm Lucious Lyon. Record executive at Executive Records.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Look, Reginald, do you know why Charles hired you? Because I love "Die Hard" more than any other movie, and I loved you in it.
Sergeant Jeffords: For the record, I loved you from "Family Matters". Carl Winslow made me want to become a cop.
Jake: Come on, Terry, you already have like six other reasons you became a cop.
This is not your moment. And for the record, that's the first time I've ever heard him even mention "Family Matters".

Quote from Rosa

Constantine: You thought you could distract me with a record deal? Please, I'm already represented, by my mom.
Rosa: God, you're a turd.

Quote from Amy

Rosa: Never have I ever slept with a guy, broken his heart, hired him to play at my wedding, stolen a legally binding contract from him, jumped on a bar and dumped booze on everyone, fallen off the bar, probably given myself a concussion and a permanent scar.
Amy: I have ever!

Quote from Gina

Gina: Well, it is officially after midnight, so I can now say whatever I want.
Kylie: Uh-oh.
Gina: Tonight was awesome, and I loved hanging out with your dorks.
Kylie: Aww, yeah. You know, the word "dork" is actually a Celtic word meaning "lungfish".
Gina: Kylie, I'm trying so hard.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Oh, Charles. Come on. Of course, things are gonna change. I'm getting married. I mean, didn't you make me less of a priority when you and Genevieve got together?
Charles: [long pause] Yes.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Jake: Hey, you know why I didn't like your scavenger hunt?
Charles: 'Cause it was stupid and overcomplicated.
Sergeant Jeffords: And way too long.
Captain Holt: There was no food.
Sergeant Jeffords: Or drinks.
Jake: This is not a group conversation, guys.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, you could have stood a little farther away from us then.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I didn't like it because you got kidnapped right at the beginning. You were gone for six hours. I wanted to spend my bachelor party with you.

Quote from Jake

Charles: I can't believe you pissed off Reginald VelJohnson just to find me.
Jake: Oh, please. He'll get over it.
Reginald VelJohnson: No, I won't. You've made an enemy for life. And I'm telling Bruce Willis you suck.
Jake: [gasp] That's fine. I'm fine with that. It's good. What's important is that we made up, my best friend. Not Bruce Willis.

Quote from Jake

Amy: Hey, so I need to tell you something. I had to cancel the wedding band, because I kind of dated one of the dudes in it.
Jake: Yeah, I know. Man bun. He left me a very long message with a lot of details-
Amy: Oh, no.
Jake: He seems like a really passionate guy.
Amy: I'm never gonna live this down.
Jake: No, you are not. I'm just kidding. I'll never bring it up again.
Amy: Thank you. You're the sweetest. I love you.
Jake: I love you too, Turtle Bug.

Quote from Jake

Reginald VelJohnson: Uh, do I still need to be here?
Jake: Yes, Reginald. We're all toasted and we need rides home! [SOFTLY] It's Reginald VelJohnson!

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