Gina: Wait, first, let's say a prayer. Dear Beyonce, Solange, Rihanna, someone cool that's white, Cardi B, please bless this flush. A-women.

Gina: The first thing we gotta do, shut off the water supply. Did I do that? That's an Urkel reference, from the show "Family Matters." Do you remember that?

Charles: Hello? You know what, I'm trying to keep this line open, so I don't have time for your bull crap. Good-bye, Mom.

Charles: I can't. I dwell on everything. I'm a dweller. I wake up every morning, I'm worrying about the Zika virus. Why is nobody talking about Zika anymore? There's no way it fixed!

Amy: Okay, I think I got it. Just have to tighten this here, and here we go. Please work. Come on. Come on! Flush, you stupid son of a bitch! Ah!
Gina: Wow. Bitches really do be crazy.

Jake: Yeah, but that's just a suggestion, like how they tell you to drink eight cups of water every month.
Sergeant Jeffords: A day.
Jake: Sarge, come on. This is not the time for jokes.

Jake: Luckily I have a backup plan. I got the Holt soundboard app from Gina. "I'm. Raymond. Holt. Get. Some. Get. Some." Man, soundboard Holt is so horny.

Amy: Okay, so that plumber was useless. But we are two smart and capable people who can definitely figure out how to fix a toilet.
Gina: Of course we can. The internet will tell us what to do. She always does.

Amy: Uh, we kind of need you to fix it before our friend gets back today.
Boban: I'm sorry, it's gonna take a while, and I have other appointments.
Gina: Well, can you cancel them? I didn't want to do this, but our friend is a cop, and she's caught in a Brooklyn Heights shooting right now.
Boban: Oh! So you think you're the first people that ever needed a toilet fixed 'cause a loved one's life was in danger.
Amy: Yes?
Boban: You're not. Welcome to New York.
Gina: That's a grim commentary on the city we live in.

Captain Holt: If there's anything you want to talk about, my door is always open.
Metaphorically. In reality, I often keep my door closed, for privacy, security, climate control- You know what, I never even should've used a metaphor. I'm better than that.

Jake: Stupid Brett Booth not letting us on his task force.
Charles: Just because you blinded him in one eye. His other one works just fine.
Jake: No, I mean, the water cooler thing was pretty bad.
Charles: Yeah, he can't see.

Detective Brett Booth: Well, well, well. If it isn't Jake Peralta, my old [walks into a water cooler] Rogers! It happened again! I told you to keep the walkways clear! You're gonna regret this, Peralta! [walks into a wall] Ah!

Amy: I get that there's always been tension between uniformed officers and detectives, but Rosa is one of the good guys. I'm sure she knows your name.
Della: You clearly just texted her the answer.
Rosa: No, she didn't, Della Avocado.
Della: It's Alvarado.
Amy: Stupid auto-correct.

Jake: I'm really scared for Rosa.
Sergeant Jeffords: Me too. And it keeps making me think about my kids. How do I deal with the fact that every day I leave for work, I might not come home?
Jake: Man, I don't even know, Terry. I don't have kids yet, but I know you love them. And I feel like that's all you can really do, right? I mean, now that I'm getting married, I keep thinking if something happens to me, it'll actually affect someone else.
Charles: I'd get over it eventually, after a lot of therapy.
Jake: I was more talking about Amy, but yes, you too, Charles.

Rosa: First, I gotta go to the can.
Gina: Actually, you might want to check out the ladies' room up here. Hey, Rosa, it's me, Gina Linetti. Welcome back.

Captain Holt: Scully, go.
Scully: Well, it was just a regular morning for me. Woke up again with my dog's butt on my mouth.
Captain Holt: This experiment has failed. Back to work talk.

Captain Holt: Peralta, I have a case for you.
Jake: Uh, that's a no-can-do, sir.
Captain Holt: Excuse me?
Jake: Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to come across like a rabble-rouser. We're just simply unavail. We have a meeting at a new multi-agency, multi-state task force.
Charles: It's a double multi.
Jake: It's a multi-multi.
Charles: You're better at everything than I am.
Jake: Don't say that.
Charles: It is what it is.

Charles: And guess who's heading up the task force? Sgt. Boomer Maxwell!
Everybody: Oh! Damn!
Gina: Boomer Maxwell? What kind of name is that? Is he a football player and/or Rugrat?

Amy: Sorry. We should just give up. This was such a dumb idea.
Gina: Yeah, it would only matter if we actually thought Rosa was coming home today.
Amy: We should keep going, right?
Gina: Definitely. Also, it's fun to watch you get destroyed by a toilet.

Charles: When Holt's not looking, I'll sneak into the office and answer the phone when the armory calls asking for approval, fooling them with my spot-on Holt impression. "I'm Captain Holt."
Jake: Yeah, I don't know, something feels off.
Hitchcock: He sounds too white. Here's how you do it-
Jake: No, no, that's okay!

Charles: Why is there no news?
Jake: Charles, come on. Compartmentalize, remember? Try and think happy thoughts like the Shrek musical.
Charles: Come on, Jake, you know they shut that down. The health board said there was too much mud on the stage!
Jake: Yeah, probably for the best.

Scully: I'm so sorry, how's your penis?
Hitchcock: Sore. How's your penis?
Scully: Sore.
Hitchcock: I'm proud of us.

Amy: Yes! I'll just search "toilet videos." Oh! So much porn! Probably should've been more specific. "Person fixing broken toilet." More porn. How about this? "Instructional video from a plumber on how to fix an actual toilet." Still porn! How is that still porn?

Charles: Oh, my God, they're in a penis punch 69!

Jake: It's showtime.
Officer Colin Wilg: What?
Jake: Hmm? Oh, I just said I have Showtime. The cable channel.
Officer Colin Wilg: Mm. Must be nice.

Captain Holt: What's going on? Why are you fighting?
Hitchcock: Well, he punched me in the nuts, so I punched him in the nuts, so he punched me in the nuts, so I punched him in the nuts.
Captain Holt: But why? You still haven't told me why.

Sergeant Jeffords: So what happened? Did they shoot at you? Were you in the thick of it?
Rosa: It's been a really tough day. I just want to get a beer. I don't feel like getting into it.
Jake: Are you sure? Because the journey I went on today taught me that sometimes it's best to talk about things-
Rosa: Jake.
Jake: Right. It was a stupid idea. And Holt told me to do it, so. Let's just go get a drink and sit in total silence.
Rosa: Perfect.

Officer Colin Wilg: It's Officer Wilg at the armory. I got Peralta here. He's signing out body armor and a long gun. Is he all clear?
Charles: [Holt soundboard] "Yes. Approved. Thanks."
Officer Colin Wilg: Oh, hey, Raymond. Can't wait for you and Kevin to come over and meet the baby. We still on for Thursday, right?
Charles: [Holt soundboard] Screw. That.
Officer Colin Wilg: I'm sorry, I thought you wanted to meet baby Carol. Her surgery was such a success.
Charles: [Holt soundboard] Screw. That. Screw. That. Get. Some. Good. Bye.
Jake: Ah. What a weirdo. Anyways, thanks for the gun.

Captain Holt: Going somewhere?
Jake: Fine, yes, you got me. So how'd you know I was sneaking out?
Captain Holt: I got a couple of very angry texts from Officer Wilg accusing me of quote unquote hating my own goddaughter.
Jake: How close are you with Colin from the armory?

Captain Holt: Let's focus on the real question. Why are you disobeying an order from the commissioner?
Jake: I'm clearly the good guy here. All right? If this was a movie, no one would be on your side. You're basically the guy in "Ghostbusters" who lets all the ghosts out.
Captain Holt: There's no such thing as ghosts.
Jake: Exactly.

Jake: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go help Rosa.
Captain Holt: How? This isn't a movie. You're not gonna rush onto the scene and singlehandedly take down all the bad guys.
Jake: I might. My gun is pretty big. It barely fits in the car.

Jake: Captain. I know you don't eat pizza, but I figured you'd want to be included.
Captain Holt: Uh, thank you. You know what would make a great movie? One where the hero sits with his friends and they talk about their emotions.
Jake: I know that you're just being nice right now, but that would be a terrible movie. I mean, what would the poster even be? Just a bunch of people's faces?

Captain Holt: Want to be a hero? You want to actually get something done? Your friends and colleagues right here are struggling, and they need you.
Jake: I did everything I could. I tried to distract me and Charles all day long, and it didn't work.
Captain Holt: They don't need to be distracted. They need someone to help them face their fears and deal with the reality of the situation.
Jake: Okay, great. So why don't you do it?
Captain Holt: I tried, but it didn't work. I'm not particularly skilled at emotional jabber.

Andrew: Hey, look at that. 130 over 80. Back to normal. I can get out of your hair now.
Sergeant Jeffords: Nice. Told you, Andrew. Terry's in tiptop.

Andrew: I'm sorry, but I can't stay here all day. I have other things to do.
Sergeant Jeffords: You a traveling nurse, man. Don't big-time me.

Andrew: Still too high.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay. What if I cut myself? Just to let some of the blood out?

Jake: Look, I'm worried too, but spiraling isn't gonna help anything. We can't go up there, so the best thing we can do is try not to think about it.
Charles: How are supposed to do that?
Jake: Well, it's called compartmentalizing. Not to brag, but when you come from a broken home, you get pretty good at it. It's like, "Hey, whose bra is that in the back seat of my dad's car? I'm sure it just blew in there on accident.
Anyways, off to third grade!"

Captain Holt: Okay, before we get going, Sgt. Jeffords has suggested that it would improve morale if we started the meeting with some consensual non-work jabber.
Sergeant Jeffords: I just said it might be nice if you checked in on the squad's personal lives every now and then.
Captain Holt: Exactly, jabber.

Jake: They're taking down a street racing gang that's been using souped-up cars to transport drugs across state lines. It's a real-life "Fast and the Furious" movie.
Captain Holt: Don't those movies glorify lawlessness?
Jake: No. They glorify family and loyalty and big, hard boobs on both men and women.

Rosa: Dude, he's an NYPD legend. I heard he took down three serial killers in one week.
Sergeant Jeffords: I heard he defused a bomb with his teeth because his hands were tied up.
Hitchcock: I heard he bangs constantly.
Jake: Hitchcock, no chime-ins for you.

Captain Holt: Well, good luck. I know how competitive these task forces can be.
Jake: Especially this one. Because Boomer's amazing.
Hitchcock: In bed.
Jake: Come on, Hitchcock!

Amy: Oh, hey! What are you doing down here?
Rosa: Upstairs bathroom's broken I think Scully did it. He says he hasn't been in the women's bathroom, but who else would leave a whole rotisserie chicken in there?

Amy: Did you ask Gina to submit a work order?
Rosa: Yes, but she hasn't done it yet. She views doing her job as quote unquote optional.

Amy: Great. Now I'm caught in a turf war between my new squad and my old squad.
Rosa: I know this is a big deal for you as a manager, but I gotta pee real bad.
Amy: Right. Right, right, right. I believe in you. Teach that toilet a lesson!

Jake: What, are you nervous?
Charles: Yeah! Very. You?
Jake: I mean, I was, but then I looked at Boomer's personnel file. We both started in the same precinct, we both took down drug gangs our first year as detectives, and we've both been referred to as El Ganador.
Charles: Oh, that's weird. I've never heard anyone calling you that.
Jake: Well, they will soon.

Jake: The point is, I'm basically a young Boomer Maxwell.
Victor Lake: Oh, you guys didn't hear? Boomer's not running the special unit anymore. He shattered both his legs jumping off the Chrysler Building onto a passing garbage truck during a chase.
Jake: Damn, that is so cool.
Victor Lake: They say he'll never walk again.
Jake: Oh. Well, that's very sad. But also still cool. He's gonna be an Ironside!

Charles: Wait, if Boomer's not doing it, who's running the task force?
Victor Lake: Detective Brett Booth from 6-3.
Jake: Oh! Cool, cool, cool.
Charles: Uh-oh. That was your worried "cool, cool, cool." Who's Brett Booth?
Jake: We were in the academy together. During a training exercise, I shot him with a rubber bullet and somehow it got underneath his goggles and hit him in the eye. It kind of messed up his depth perception.

Captain Holt: I know you're all concerned about Rosa, but she's not going in alone. She's part of a massive NYPD response.
Amy: And it's Rosa, right? I mean, she's a badass. She's the toughest of all of us. No offense, guys.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, that's accurate.
Jake: Very fair.
Hitchcock: I could take her. What? I'm wily.

Jake: Anyways, Hitchock and Scully, to distract the captain, I'm gonna need you to get in a fight.
Scully: Us? The buddies?
Hitchcock: How would that even work?
Jake: You guys are adorable. But we don't have time for this, so figure it out!

Jake: Okay, Charles. How do I look?
Charles: So cool. How do I look?
Jake: Uh, you definitely made a choice. You almost look like-
Charles: Speed Racer? Right? This is exactly what he wears! And the best part is I can use the kerchief to start the race!
Jake: Well, I wanted this op to feel normal, and it does. This is quintessential Charles.

Charles: Let's go over the backstories. I can start.
Jake: Actually, it's maybe better for me to go first so you can make some internal edits before you say yours out loud.
Charles: Perfect. After you.
Jake: Great. My name is Axel Richards. I've been driving stolen cars since I was six years old.
Charles: Wow, that's young.
Jake: Oh, yeah. I had to use a Wiffle Ball bat to just reach the gas pedal, and I never learned to use the brakes.
Charles: That sounds so dangerous.
Jake: Not if you know what you're doing.
Charles: Great response.
Jake: Thank you. Anyways, things went south when I got addicted to drugs after my best friend died in an active shooter situation. Oh, I see what I did there.

Amy: Hey. What are you doing in here?
Gina: Holt's scanner was making me anxious, so I came in here to listen to some calming music. It's me singing the song I wrote. "Subway girl Gettin' all the looks Holdin' onto your Big pile of books, yeah"

Amy: Listen. I was thinking, Rosa seemed pretty annoyed about the broken toilet up here, and since she's having a rough day, I thought it would be nice if we got it fixed for her before she got back.
Gina: And you came to me 'cause I'm the only one who ever gets anything done around here.
Amy: And because you were supposed to get it fixed last week, so it's kind of a second chance for you.
Gina: This is a time of crisis, so we're supposed to be lifting each other up.
Why don't you call that plumber I've been asking you to call for a few hours now?

Sergeant Jeffords: What's up?
Captain Holt: I just wanted to check in to see if you were all right. I couldn't help but notice that you've flattened your mouse.
Sergeant Jeffords: Sorry. I get crushy when I'm nervous.

Captain Holt: If there's anything you want to talk about, please do so now.
Sergeant Jeffords: There is.I'm so scared for Rosa. And I realized, I haven't looked at my life insurance policy since Ava was born. I'm on hold with them now. Terry needs a bulkier plan!

Captain Holt: Look, I get that you're worried about your own mortality. Perhaps this fact will comfort you. As an NYPD officer, you're more likely to be crushed by scaffolding than to die on the job.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, God. This is a city of scaffolding!
Captain Holt: No, no, Sergeant, I was only trying to point out that there are millions of potential ways to die. Do you know how common choking is?
Sergeant Jeffords: What are you doing, man?

Captain Holt: Fine, I was trying something, and it didn't work!

Jake: All right, that didn't work. How about this? Let's clean up our desks. Right? That's always good for a distraction. Oh, no. Rosa gave me this notepad.
I remember I was all, "Anyone got a notepad?" And she said, "Yep, here."
Charles: Oh, my God, that's so Rosa.
Jake: I know.

Sergeant Jeffords: Great. Just do it fast. Terry knows tomorrow's not promised.

Charles: First things first. Let's synchronize our watches.
Scully: These don't work.
Hitchcock: They're just status symbols.
Charles: Okay, we'll use our phones, which are connected to the internet.
Hitchcock: I don't get the internet with my Netscape Blip.
Jake: Let's just use the regular clocks.