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Quote from the episode Gray Star Mutual

Adrian Pimento: I'm an insurance investigator now.
Charles: I thought you were in Alaska.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, yeah, I was, after Rosa and I broke up, but then I accidentally killed a "protected buffalo" self-defense. Next thing I know, Fish and Game are all over my ass. I ended up in a fight with a bear, and I had to think to myself, why am I even here?
Jake: Wait a minute. You fought a bear?
Adrian Pimento: Big time. The trick on that: head-butt him in the penis, push him over a cliff.
Jake: Ah, I bet that works with a lot of animals.
Adrian Pimento: Only the male ones. Learned that the hard way.

Quote from the episode Monster in the Closet

Adrian Pimento: I was my own sign the whole time? Wow, that's a real M.
Night Shyamalan twist- Oh! [snaps] "Signs"! [Jake and Gina gasp] Wait, do you think he's behind all of this?
Jake: I do not.

Quote from the episode Mr. Santiago

Captain Holt: Your bookie lives in a college dorm?
Adrian Pimento: He's a freshman. They don't let them live off-campus first year.
Doy.

Quote from the episode Mr. Santiago

Adrian Pimento: No, no, no, I don't mess with computers, okay? Ever since I died of dysentery on the Oregon Trail, I was like, no thank you. I'm done with this.

Quote from the episode Kicks

Adrian Pimento: Hang on. Were you creeps watching that the whole time?
Sergeant Jeffords: Well-
Amy: Uh-
Adrian Pimento: I'm just kidding. I know you were. It's like an eclipse. You should always look at it with both eyes wide open. Full on.

Quote from the episode The Bank Job

Jake: Well, listen, we need your help.
Adrian Pimento: Great, who are we killing? I won't do kids. That's a rule. But that rule is negotiable if the kid's a dick.
Rosa: No, babe, we don't want you to kill anyone.
Adrian Pimento:What? Really?
Rosa: No.

Quote from the episode Cheddar

Adrian Pimento: After what I've seen, after what I've done, I don't know that I deserve to be happy.
Sergeant Jeffords: Of course you do.
Adrian Pimento: Huh. I never looked at it that way. Wow. That changes everything.
Sergeant Jeffords: I never even finished my point.
Adrian Pimento: No, Sarge, you said it all. You just changed my life.

Quote from the episode Gray Star Mutual

Jake: So, Adrian, how's life as an insurance investigator?
Adrian Pimento: It's amazing. At Gray Star Mutual, they let me do whatever I want, as long as I'm getting that job done, and you know I am. Last week, I waterboarded a dude.
Jake: Oh, that's not legal.
Adrian Pimento: Doesn't matter. I'm not a cop.

Quote from the episode Terry Kitties

Charles: Well, you let me know if there's anything I can do.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, yes, I will stay at your home. Thank you.
Charles: Me? What, how, now?
Adrian Pimento: You just said you wanted to help. Oh, unless you weren't being serious, which I would get. I've been betrayed before. For instance, by the grapefruit spoon guy.
Charles: No, no, no, no, definitely. You could stay with me.
Adrian Pimento: Oh! You're the best, Chuck! Thank you! But for real, get yourself some good ear plugs, because I really downplayed how horrible those night screams are.
Charles: Ah.
Adrian Pimento: All right, I'll see you later, roomie.

Quote from the episode Mr. Santiago

Captain Holt: Listen, mister, I didn't give you that money so you could throw it away. I want it back. We're gonna pay your bookie a visit.
Adrian Pimento: What?
Captain Holt: And so help me God, you better hope I don't miss the "in memoriam."
Adrian Pimento: If it's dead dogs you wanna see, I know where to get my hands on dozens of them.

Quote from the episode The Bank Job

Adrian Pimento: Okay, here are the ground rules: You can punch me, kick me, pull my hair, I am a-ok being stabbed, biting and scratching are on the table, you can use fire.
Jake: These are the ground rules? Is there anything off limits?
Adrian Pimento: Damn, man. You got something really sick you wanna do, huh? Oh, you little pervert. All right, I like it. Don't tell me. Surprise me. Ooh, this is gonna be fun.

Quote from the episode Gray Star Mutual

Adrian Pimento: What the hell? How come I didn't know? I thought we were supposed to be friends. Oh, wait a minute. Did this, like, just happen?
Jake: Well, it was at Halloween.
Adrian Pimento: Wha- no, that's so long ago! Charles, are you just finding out about this too?
Charles: No, I was there.
Adrian Pimento: You were there? Who else? Who else got to be a part of this?
Jake: Nobody, you know, just Holt, and Terry, and Rosa.
Adrian Pimento: Okay.
Jake: And Hitchcock and Scully.
Adrian Pimento: Seriously?
Jake: And this creepy guy named Bill.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, come on! I'm the creepy guy that's supposed to be at stuff that you have happen.

Quote from the episode Gray Star Mutual

Adrian Pimento: First you cut me out of your lives, then you try and get me fired? My therapist was right about you guys. You're a couple of dinguses.
Jake: You have a therapist?
Adrian Pimento: Yeah, he's helping me work on my rotator cuff.
Charles: Oh, I see, it's a physical therapist.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, he's very physical, Charles. Very physical.

Quote from the episode The Bank Job

Adrian Pimento: Guys, I'm telling you. The fake snorting can work. Watch.
[sniffs] Oh. [coughing] Oh, I got so much that time. [laughs] Whoa, ooh, anybody wanna listen to Jamiroquai right now?
Jake: Okay, I'm just gonna move this away from your nose holes.

Quote from the episode Gray Star Mutual

Adrian Pimento: Oh, is that right, Jake? Are we still friends? If that's the case, then when did I lose my virginity?
Jake: Oh, man, you've told us so many intense graphic sex stories.
Adrian Pimento: I have! But a true friend always remembers a friend's first.
Charles: Jake, we know this! It's got to be one of the swamps. Uh, Florida swamp, or Okefenokee Swamp, or oh, was it a bayou?
Jake: No, no, no! I've got it. Summer of '91, at a screening of "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves".
Adrian Pimento: Well done. It was Bryan Adams' soundtrack and Kevin Costner's flawless British accent that put us in the mood to get gross.

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