Jake: Well, listen, we need your help.
Adrian Pimento: Great, who are we killing? I won't do kids. That's a rule. But that rule is negotiable if the kid's a dick.
Rosa: No, babe, we don't want you to kill anyone.
Adrian Pimento:What? Really?
Rosa: No.

Adrian Pimento: Uh, I'm scared of heights, Jake.
Jake: Yeah, so am I, Adrian.
Adrian Pimento: This might not be the time to tell you, but both my parents died falling out of lighthouses, separate incidents.
Jake: Oh, man, I have so many questions, but for now, just follow my lead, okay?

Adrian Pimento: No, no, no, I don't mess with computers, okay? Ever since I died of dysentery on the Oregon Trail, I was like, no thank you. I'm done with this.

Adrian Pimento: Okay, here are the ground rules: You can punch me, kick me, pull my hair, I am a-ok being stabbed, biting and scratching are on the table, you can use fire.
Jake: These are the ground rules? Is there anything off limits?
Adrian Pimento: Damn, man. You got something really sick you wanna do, huh? Oh, you little pervert. All right, I like it. Don't tell me. Surprise me. Ooh, this is gonna be fun.

Adrian Pimento: I'm an insurance investigator now.
Charles: I thought you were in Alaska.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, yeah, I was after Rosa and I broke up. But then I accidentally killed a "protected buffalo", self-defense. Next thing I know, Fish and Game are all over my ass. I ended up in a fight with a bear, and I had to think to myself, why am I even here?
Jake: Wait a minute. You fought a bear?
Adrian Pimento: Big time. The trick on that: head-butt him in the penis, push him over a cliff.
Jake: Ah, I bet that works with a lot of animals.
Adrian Pimento: Only the male ones. Learned that the hard way.

Charles: And now Nikolaj says he's too frightened to ever sleep again, so that's just superduper.
Adrian Pimento: I don't understand what he's so scared about. If I was there to kill him, he never would've heard me.
Charles: A thing you told him several times.

Adrian Pimento: Hang on. Were you creeps watching that the whole time?
Sergeant Jeffords: Well-
Amy: Uh-
Adrian Pimento: I'm just kidding. I know you were. It's like an eclipse. You should always look at it with both eyes wide open. Full on.

Adrian Pimento: After what I've seen, after what I've done, I don't know that I deserve to be happy.
Sergeant Jeffords: Of course you do.
Adrian Pimento: Huh. I never looked at it that way. Wow. That changes everything.
Sergeant Jeffords: I never even finished my point.
Adrian Pimento: No, Sarge, you said it all. You just changed my life.

Jake: So, Adrian Working from home, hum? What happened to the office?
Adrian Pimento: Couldn't afford the rent. I'll be honest with you guys, this PI thing is not going great. Got a couple of bad reviews online, and that pretty much tanked me. I mean, what does "weird energy" even mean? Am I right?
Captain Holt: Well, my guess is that people find you somewhat threatening and erratic.
Adrian Pimento: Okay, yeah. That tracks.

Adrian Pimento: I got a way better job now. I'm working at one of those fancy hand lotion stores. Spoiler alert: I have a gun again, and I've gotten to use it three times. You would be surprised how often teenage girls try and shoplift mango hand cream.

Jake: So, Adrian, how's life as an insurance investigator?
Adrian Pimento: It's amazing. At Gray Star Mutual, they let me do whatever I want, as long as I'm getting that job done, and you know I am. Last week, I waterboarded a dude.
Jake: Oh, that's not legal.
Adrian Pimento: Doesn't matter. I'm not a cop.

Adrian Pimento: Guys, I'm telling you. The fake snorting can work. Watch.
[sniffs] Oh. [coughing] Oh, I got so much that time. [laughs] Whoa, ooh, anybody wanna listen to Jamiroquai right now?
Jake: Okay, I'm just gonna move this away from your nose holes.

Jake: Pimento, Pimento, Pimento! Don't worry. Everything's okay. You've had some brain trauma, and it caused you to lose your memory. You're scared that you're in danger, but there is no evidence that anyone is trying to kill you. You're safe.
Adrian Pimento: Wait, wait, really? Whew, okay. Thank you. I was really worried, you know, 'cause of this gunshot wound.
Jake: Oh, my God, someone's trying to kill you!
Adrian Pimento: What? You just told me that wasn't the case!

Adrian Pimento: What the hell? How come I didn't know? I thought we were supposed to be friends. Oh, wait a minute. Did this, like, just happen?
Jake: Well, it was at Halloween.
Adrian Pimento: Wha- no, that's so long ago! Charles, are you just finding out about this too?
Charles: No, I was there.
Adrian Pimento: You were there? Who else? Who else got to be a part of this?
Jake: Nobody, you know, just Holt, and Terry, and Rosa.
Adrian Pimento: Okay.
Jake: And Hitchcock and Scully.
Adrian Pimento: Seriously?
Jake: And this creepy guy named Bill.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, come on! I'm the creepy guy that's supposed to be at stuff that you have happen.

Charles: Well, you let me know if there's anything I can do.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, yes, I will stay at your home. Thank you.
Charles: Me? What, how, now?
Adrian Pimento: You just said you wanted to help. Oh, unless you weren't being serious, which I would get. I've been betrayed before. For instance, by the grapefruit spoon guy.
Charles: No, no, no, no, definitely. You could stay with me.
Adrian Pimento: Oh! You're the best, Chuck! Thank you! But for real, get yourself some good ear plugs, because I really downplayed how horrible those night screams are.
Charles: Ah.
Adrian Pimento: All right, I'll see you later, roomie.