Quotes from ‘Pimento’

Pimento

Pimento
Season 7, Episode 3 - Aired February 13, 2020

Adrian Pimento shows up unexpectedly to seek Jake and Charles' help after claiming someone is trying to kill him. The rest of the squad endures a Workplace Conflict seminar.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: Uh, I'm scared of heights, Jake.
Jake: Yeah, so am I, Adrian.
Adrian Pimento: This might not be the time to tell you, but both my parents died falling out of lighthouses, separate incidents.
Jake: Oh, man, I have so many questions, but for now, just follow my lead, okay?

Quote from Jake

Jake: So you still annoyed?
Amy: Yes. You can't keep saying "mischief managed" after we finish sex.
Jake: It's what Harry Potter says when he needs to clear the Marauder's Map.
Amy: Obviously, I know that, but I would prefer to keep wizard terms out of our sex life.

Quote from Captain Holt

Sergeant Jeffords: Before we wrap up this briefing, I wanted to give a few shout-outs. Diaz, great job on that B&E. You are a good cop with a great attitude.
Rosa: I don't like this.
Sergeant Jeffords: Santiago, when I think of your CompStat reports, one word comes to mind: wow. And that "WOW" is an acronym for "Wow, oh, wow. "
Amy: What is happening?
Captain Holt: He's buttering us up before giving us some devastatingly bad news. My God, Jake and Charles are dead.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: Four month? No, no, no. I watched this last night. That doesn't make any- Where am I? What is that table?
Jake: Calm down. You're at the Nine-Nine, and you know what a table is.
Adrian Pimento: I don't remember coming here. How did I get here?
Jake: Oh, my God. Pimento has "Memento" disease. Your memory is resetting like the guy from the movie "Memento."
Both: What?
Jake: You guys never saw "Memento"? It's the guy with no short-term memory, you know, Christopher Nolan's first movie.
Charles: Is it like Dory from "Finding Dory," she keeps forgetting where she's swimming?
Jake: No, no, it's like-
Adrian Pimento: Dory, yeah, yeah, yeah! I'm like the forgetful little fish.
Jake: Oh, I mean, yeah, it's like that, but it's also like-
Charles: That's what Dory says.
Adrian Pimento: Classic Dory, Jake!
Jake: Ugh, you guys really ruined the coolness of this "Memento" thing.
Adrian Pimento: Also, Jake, "Following" is Christopher Nolan's first movie. You sound like a grade A[bleep] out here.

Quote from Hitchcock

Brad Portenburg: Hello, squad. My name is Brad Portenburg, and today I'm gonna teach you about workplace conflict. So I brought along someone who's an expert in conflict: my ex-wife. Just kidding. She lives in Vermont with our kids. So can anyone tell me what a stereotype is?
Scully: The Irish are potato-eating drunks.
Hitchcock: And the gays-
Brad Portenburg: No, no, no, what does the word "stereotype" mean?

Quote from Jake

Charles: "Extra ranch, no tomato, no cilantro." These are just a list of modifications on a signature salad from Panera.
Jake: Okay, this one says, "Buy toilet paper" in a truly gigantic font. I hate to think of the horrific event that led to a reminder of this size.

Quote from Scully

Captain Holt: Brad, my funny friend, we don't need this training. We don't have any workplace conflicts.
Brad Portenburg: Oh, there's always conflict somewhere. Now, it could be something small, like a pet peeve, or-
Scully: Hitchcock slept with my wife, Kelly, in 1988!
Sergeant Jeffords: So Kelly was his wife, not his dog.

Quote from Scully

Hitchcock: I dogsat for Scully, and he never thanked me. Kelly was a real handful.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wait, I'm confused again. Kelly was a dog?
Scully: There were two Kellys. You'd know that if you'd ever listened to my podcast.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: Help! Jake, what's happening? What is this ledge?
Jake: You must have tried to escape out the window and then your memory reset.
Adrian Pimento: What? I don't understand. Why would my memory reset?
Jake: It's just like the film "Finding Dory."
Adrian Pimento: Huh?
Jake: "Finding Dory."
Adrian Pimento: Ah, say no more! I completely understand!

Quote from Amy

Amy: Sir, it's a seminar that's too boring for me. I'm saying no to a seminar.

Quote from Rosa

Sergeant Jeffords: Jake and Charles are not dead. It's worse than that. We have to do our annual HR seminar on workplace conflict tomorrow.
Amy: What? Already?
Sergeant Jeffords: I know. I know. These seminars are not exactly our favorite things.
Rosa: Question: if I get shot in the line of duty, can I miss it?
Sergeant Jeffords: Legally, you still have to make it up.
Rosa: Well, there goes that plan.

Quote from Jake

Jake: It's happening again. Rosa, Rosa, Hitchcock fell asleep in the break room. I pranked him. I tied his shoelaces together.
Rosa: You're 38 years old, dude.
Jake: I know, and yet my pranks still stay so fresh. It's incredible.
Rosa: You gotta untie his shoes before he gets hurt.
Jake: Look, seriously?
Rosa: Seriously.
Jake: Fine. But what's the worst thing that could happen?
Scully: He's being strangled to death!
Jake: How?

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: All I know is, I woke up in a pool of my own blood next to a metal chair that had a dent in it the same shape as my head.
Charles: What were you doing before the attack?
Adrian Pimento: I was sitting in said metal chair watching the season two premiere of "The Masked Singer." The Egg had just gone, and I'm pretty sure I know who it is, Sara Gilbert.
Jake: That doesn't make any sense.
Adrian Pimento: Are you kidding? You don't think I know how Darlene walks?
Jake: No, no, no, no, I'm sure you do, it's just "The Masked Singer" ended four months ago. I still can't believe that the Bowl of Ramen wasn't Dikembe Mutombo.

Quote from Amy

Amy: What's up, squad? Hope y'all like condiments because I got all the sauce.
Rosa: Huh?
Amy: I arrested a tween shoplifter yesterday, and she was real cool at talking.
Sergeant Jeffords: I love you, Amy, but maybe slang isn't your thing.
Amy: [chuckles] Whatevs.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Jake: It just doesn't make any sense. I mean, you love "The Dark Knight," you love "Inception," and you haven't even seen "Memento"?
Adrian Pimento: Jake, I don't know what to tell ya. I spend a lot of time in jungles, you know. They don't exactly get movies like that. It's usually big blockbusters like "Finding Dory."
Charles: 486 million domestic.
Adrian Pimento: When you factor in international, 1.2 billion.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Jake: Hey, maybe one of your PI cases is the reason you got attacked.
Adrian Pimento: I thought of that too, but I doubt it. You know, they're all the same, kinda boring. It's some redheaded lady wants me to hack her husband's phone to see if he's cheating with a spin instructor named Kendra.
Jake: It seems a little specific that they would all be like that, but okay.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: It says, "Take pill, right jacket po"- I've never seen these before in my life.
Jake: This was filled three days ago. This doctor must be treating you for your...
[cut to:]
Dr. Jones: "Finding Dory" Disease, that's what most people call anterograde amnesia.
Charles & Adrian Pimento: Just keep swimming.
Dr. Jones: Exactly, that's what I tell my patients, just keep swimming.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Jake: Pimento, Pimento, Pimento! Don't worry. Everything's okay. You've had some brain trauma, and it caused you to lose your memory. You're scared that you're in danger, but there is no evidence that anyone is trying to kill you. You're safe.
Adrian Pimento: Wait, wait, really? Whew, okay. Thank you. I was really worried, you know, 'cause of this gunshot wound.
Jake: Oh, my God, someone's trying to kill you!
Adrian Pimento: What? You just told me that wasn't the case!

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: So there I am, naked, still holding the hedge trimmers when the chauffeur walks in and I say, "Guess you caught me red-handed."
Gabby Sholah: Because of the blood?
Adrian Pimento: Yeah, because of the blood! See, you get it.

Quote from Jake

Gabby Sholah: The bullet went through your friend's shoulder. He should be fine, although he does keep asking me if we do the "Face/Off" surgery here.
Jake: And what'd you tell him?
Gabby Sholah: That we don't.
Jake: Right. [to Charles] She's hiding something.
Charles: Obviously.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Charles: Okay, Adrian, there's very little evidence to go on, so we should take a look at your PI case files.
Adrian Pimento: Don't have any. Keep everything right up here in the old steel- Where am I? What is this bed?
Jake: And his memory's resetting. All right, Adrian, someone's trying to kill you.
Adrian Pimento: Uh-huh.
Jake: You have a memory disorder.
Adrian Pimento: That makes sense.
Jake: Like in the movie "Memento."
Adrian Pimento: I haven't seen that!
Charles: It's like "Finding Dory."
Adrian Pimento: Oh, now I know exactly what's going on. Thank you, Charles.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Jake: Okay, let's get you dressed and back to the precinct where it's safe.
Adrian Pimento: Okay.
Jake: Oh, Adrian, the back of your gown's open.
Adrian Pimento: Don't peek at my tushy.
Jake: I'm not. Wait, since when is your back covered in tattoos?
Adrian Pimento: It's not, otherwise I couldn't get buried in a Jewish cemetery.
Charles: Are you Jewish?
Adrian Pimento: Not yet. Ooh, I should ask that nurse if they've got a mohel on staff.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Charles: This says your bank account number is 432211378, then just under that, "Someone saw this and stole your money."
Adrian Pimento: Aw.
Jake: Ew. This just says, "Don't trust your D."
Adrian Pimento: Okay, well, that's good advice. My D does get me in a lot of trouble.
Jake: Are you sure that's what the D stands for?
Adrian Pimento: Oh, it's for sure my dong. It could tell some stories: Costa Rica in '98, Nam.
Jake: It's coming up.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Okay, we're talking about this. Look, you're being unfair. There's some things in my life with Amy that are just between her and me, and I need you to be okay with that.
Charles: Fine. You're right. I get it. I mean, it's not like you told anyone else.
Jake: Right. I mean We told Rosa.
Charles: Rosa, that dud? Oh, why her and not me?
Jake: Sometimes you can be a little much.
Charles: [loudly] A little much? A little much!
Jake: Yes, a little much.
Charles: Well, maybe, Jake, I have "Finding Dory" Disease too because right now, I can't remember why we ever were friends!
Jake: Okay, see, once again, that was a little over the top.

Quote from Captain Holt

Captain Holt: Well, I've got a bean to boil too. Santiago always tries to finish my sentences and frequently gets it wrong.
Amy: I do not, and I am not wrong.
Captain Holt: You do it all the-
Amy: Time?
Captain Holt: No, I was going to say, "All the day long." See? Frequently wrong.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, dude, just relax.
Rosa: Don't tell us to relax just because you're too nice to have any pet peeves.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, Terry's got peeves. Terry hates the way you always make mouth noises when you eat. Nom, nom, I'm Rosa. I'm eating a croissant. Nom, nom.

Quote from Jake

Dr. Jones: Detectives, good to see you again.
Jake: Oh, I see, the villain playing it cool when confronted by the good guys, just like Javier Bardem in "No Country for Old Men." [off their confusion] Do you guys only watch kids' movies?

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: Huh, I'm really scared, Jake. I'm really scared.
Jake: Yeah, I know, just try and look at one thing and focus only on that until I can get Charles out here to help.
Adrian Pimento: Okay, okay. Ooh, there's a juicy old person butt in that window.
Jake: Why's it gotta be juicy and old?
Adrian Pimento: I don't know, but I'm grateful for it.
Jake: All right, just lock in on that.

Quote from Captain Holt

Amy: Okay, this sucks. We never fight, and then stupid Brad comes in and turns us all against each other and now we're acting like a bunch of kids.
Sergeant Jeffords: Not all kids. My girls never act like this.
Captain Holt: We may be arguing, but we're all thinking the same thing: Terry talks about his children too much.
Sergeant Jeffords: Do I really? You all think that?
Captain Holt: Keep a lid on the box, Pandora. You won't like what's inside.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Wait, why'd you stop the elevator?
Amy: Look, I know you're excited, and I am too, but I really don't want to talk about us trying to get pregnant while we're at work. You haven't said anything to Charles, right?
Jake: No, and it's killing me. I still don't get why you can tell Rosa but I can't tell him.
Amy: Rosa's low key.
Jake: Charles can be low key.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: So how was everyone's weekend?
Amy: Oh, uh, we bought a couch.
Charles: Hoo-hoo, tell me everything!
[back:]
Jake: Okay, fine, he can be a bit much.

Quote from Jake

Jake: But don't worry. I have a plan that guarantees I'm not gonna tell him. I've cut him out of my life completely.
Amy: That doesn't seem sustainable.
Jake: Yeah, well, so far, it's working and it's foolproof, so-
Charles: Morning! Jake, can I talk to you for a second?
Jake: Mm-hmm.
Charles: I feel like we haven't hung out in forever.
Jake: Oh, is that so? I didn't realize. Is that the case?
Charles: You wanna get a drink after work tonight? I'm dying to tell you about Genevieve's new shampoo. It's edible.
Jake: Oh, wow, that sounds so fun, but I actually can't because I have plans with Ted... Crap. It's a friend of Amy's. The point is, I'm unavailable for a very real reason.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Adrian Pimento: Jake!
Jake: Oh, my God, is that-
Adrian Pimento: Boyle!
Charles: It does sound like-
Adrian Pimento: It's me, Adrian Pimento.
Jake: Yeah, we know. Hi, Adrian. How are you?
Adrian Pimento: Very bad, someone's trying to kill me.

Quote from Sergeant Jeffords

Sergeant Jeffords: Look, it's mandatory, it's not up for debate, but we'll get through it 'cause we're the best squad in the city with the nicest hair, the kindest eyes.
Captain Holt: He's buttering us up again, so more bad news is coming.
Sergeant Jeffords: HR said they're sending a funny guy.
All: No!

Quote from Amy

Amy: Check it: I got a copy of last year's workplace conflict presentation. All we have to do is study the crap out of it, then we can answer every question before that tool from HR even asks it. We'll be done in no time.
Rosa: So your solution for getting us out of the boring seminar is having us memorize the boring seminar.
Amy: Exactly.
Captain Holt: It's genius, and it's fun. I love committing things to memory.
Rosa: Yeah, I'm out. I don't do homework.
Amy: You do now. Get busy, ya flope.
Rosa: Flope?
Amy: It means loser, okay? It's new slang. People are saying it! The tween said so!

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Charles: Look, Adrian, we don't have a ton to go off on here. What else has been going on in your life?
Adrian Pimento: Normal stuff. Ooh, I got hired as a PI by the Countess Luann from "Real Housewives." I ended up sleeping with her in a tiny hotel Jacuzzi. I also microwaved a watermelon just to see if it would explode.
Jake: Okay, this is immediately unhelpful, but did the watermelon explode?
Adrian Pimento: It just cracked and got hot.
Jake: Oh.
Adrian Pimento: Total bust.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Charles: Where is that coming from?
Adrian Pimento: Oh, my God, there's a bomb in my chest!
Jake: What?
Adrian Pimento: They put a bomb in my chest!
Charles: What do we do?
Adrian Pimento: Wait a second, the sound's coming from my little watch.
Charles: You just assumed there was a bomb inside you?

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Jake: So what do you think caused Pimento's memory loss?
Dr. Jones: Probably years of repeated head trauma. I've been working as a neurologist for over two decades, and I have never seen a patient with more traumatic head injuries.
Jake: Well, doesn't look so bad.
Dr. Jones: The red is the good parts.
Jake: Oh, my God. Oh, I guess it does make sense. Pimento lives pretty hard.
[flashback:]
Adrian Pimento: I locked my keys in the car again. I guess I'll have to smash the window.
Jake: Actually, I got a hammer in my car.
[back:]
Adrian Pimento: Come on, everybody knows the skull is the hammer of the body.
Dr. Jones: Yeah, that's not true.
Adrian Pimento: What? Really? Okay, well, then this is on me.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Charles: Look, this morning, Pimento was screaming about someone trying to kill him. Has he said anything like that to you?
Dr. Jones: He has, but I've seen him every day for weeks, and I haven't noticed any new injuries, but the medication he's on may be making him paranoid.
Jake: Really? Because he doesn't-
Adrian Pimento: [screams] There's a bomb in my chest!
Jake: Right, he does keep doing that.

Quote from Charles

Jake: Hey, it was nice of you to let Pimento crash at your place last night. How'd it go?
Charles: Oh, well, he gave Nikolaj a haircut while he was asleep, but no weird memory stuff, so all in all, major win.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Wait, maybe you've been getting tattoos to help you remember things, like the guy in "Memento."
Adrian Pimento: Again, haven't seen it.
Jake: No, the tattoos could be clues that you're leaving for yourself. Here, we'll step out. You get undressed and write down everything you see... And you're fully naked.
Adrian Pimento: Hey-oh!
Jake: All right, well, I guess we're looking at 'em together.

Quote from Amy

Amy: I got this, fellas. It's a preconceived, often prejudiced notion about a group of people.
Brad Portenburg: Great, and can anyone tell me what a protected class is?
Amy: A group of people with a common characteristic that is legally protected from employment discrimination.
Brad Portenburg: And how many protected classes are there?
Amy: 20.
Brad Portenburg: Wow. It seems like I have myself a star pupil.
Amy: Honey, you have no idea.

Quote from Jake

Jake: [answering phone] Hey, what's going on?
Amy: Hey, just checking in. How's it going with Charles? I know how hard this is for you. Have you told him anything?
Jake: Nope, we're still all good. He has no idea that we are growing a Whomping Willow in your Chamber of Secrets.
Amy: Well, I have to get back to the seminar. Also, you've ruined sex forever.
Jake: Yep, I heard it. I don't know why I keep doing it. I love you. Bye.

Quote from Jake

Adrian Pimento: What was all that about?
Jake: Oh, I actually really can't tell you. No, wait a minute, you're the only person that I can tell because your brain's broken. Anything I say, you'll just forget.
Adrian Pimento: Well, I guess that's true. Give it to me.
Jake: Amy and I are trying to have a baby.
Adrian Pimento: What? Jake, that's wonderful. Come on, bring it in.
Jake: I'd rather not, but it still feels really nice to talk to someone about it finally. But I'm gonna be a dad. It's so crazy. Hey, don't mention this around Charles.
Adrian Pimento: [shrieks] Where am I?
Jake: Oh, perfect.

Quote from Amy

Rosa: Listen, Denise, I felt personally attacked when you included sesame bagels at the bagel brunch knowing full well I'm allergic. I developed a rash.
Captain Holt: Says you, Ainsley. I believe food allergies are a hoax. Perhaps your rash is from all that makeup you wear. This is an office, not some downtown dancery.
Brad Portenburg: Okay, great. Now, in this roleplay, who can tell me what went wrong?
Amy: Denise should have made reasonable accommodations given Ainsley's medical issue. Ainsley unnecessarily heightened the conflict by assuming that Denise had a personal vendetta, and Denise shouldn't have responded to Ainsley's complaint with an ad hominem attack.
Sergeant Jeffords: My thoughts exactly.
Captain Holt: I concur.
Rosa: Yep.

Quote from Amy

Brad Portenburg: Actually, I have good news. State law requires that this seminar be no less than six hours, so I guess we'll spend the next two hours diving into specific conflicts about this workplace and solving them.
Amy: But we beat you. We beat you with study.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, before Charles gets back, there's a few more secrets I want to say out loud to someone who will immediately forget them.
Adrian Pimento: Give 'em to me.
Jake: In 11th grade, I told everyone I was going to a Megadeth concert, but it was actually Melissa Etheridge, and I loved it. Also, one time, I ate a dog biscuit just to see what it tasted like.
Adrian Pimento: I get it. They're delicious.
Jake: They're not bad.

Quote from Jake

Jake: I grabbed you a water from the hospital to wash 'em down.
Adrian Pimento: Aw, thanks, Jake. You're gonna make a good dad. I'm so glad you and Amy are taking that step.
Jake: What? How did you- What about your memory reset?
Charles: You and Amy are trying to have a baby and you told Pimento and not me?
Adrian Pimento: They've got a Panera here? Okay, I love their salads exactly as they come.
Jake: Actually, you don't.
Adrian Pimento: Thanks, Jakey. See, you're gonna make a great dad.
Jake: Stop saying that!

Quote from Charles

Jake: Hey. So you wanna talk about what happened before?
Charles: You mean the "you telling Pimento and not me that you're trying to make a baby" thing? No, no, I'm totally fine. Hey, coffee guy, how would you like be godfather to my son? Because a position just opened up.

Quote from Jake

Murk: Excuse me, my godson's dad, the crazy guy just ran away.
Jake: Oh, my God, he's gone. Pimento is gone.
Charles: Just like our friendship!
Jake: Come on, Charles.

Quote from Amy

Rosa: How's this for a mouth noise? You suck.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, you suck!
Captain Holt: As do you, as do you and you!
Amy: Oh, yeah? Well, you're all a bunch of flopes.
Captain Holt: Flopes?
Sergeant Jeffords: This is the flope right here.

Quote from Charles

Charles: I'm Detective Boyle. This is my partner, Jake. You probably think it's weird that I said partner and not friend.
Ned: Not at all.
Charles: Well, the point is that we're strictly colleagues. Have you seen this man?
Ned: Yeah, he was here a few hours ago for a new tattoo. It was supposed to say, "Jake and Amy are trying to have a baby."
Charles: Seriously?

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Jake: Hey, Charles, I know you're still mad at me for not telling you Amy and I are trying, but I could really use your help.
Charles: That's not all I'm mad about, Jake. I'm upset because you keep blowing me off. We haven't hung out in weeks. We don't talk on the phone anymore. I can't remember the last time we painted pottery together. Sorry, I know this isn't the time to talk about this.
Jake: No, no, no, keep going. It's helping to distract me from the fact that I could fall and instantly die.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, no, from this height, it wouldn't be instant. When you hit the ground, your ribs would shatter, puncturing your lungs. You'd start to drown on your own blood, gurgling and-
Jake: Okay, Adrian, I'm being distracted by Charles right now, thank you.
Adrian Pimento: Okay.

Quote from Jake

Charles: Here, take take my hand. I can guide you guys back. Come on, we're a chain. Here we go. Just keep swimming.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, just keep swimming.
Charles: Just keep swimming.
Adrian Pimento: Oh, say it, Jake.
Jake: Just keep swimming.

Quote from Jake

Jake: Hey, just so you know, the only reason that I've been avoiding you is because I really wanted to tell you what me and Amy have been up to, and I knew the second that I saw you, I would just blurt it out. I always tell you everything. I hated not being able to say anything.
Adrian Pimento: Aw, that's so sweet. Your love for each other is really wonderful. Let's hug. Let's all hug.
Jake: Oh, no, no, no, we're still on the ledge!

Quote from Rosa

Rosa: Everybody, shut up. You're all acting like a bunch of Ramonas.
Amy: Ramona?
Rosa: Yeah, she hated the smell of her coworker's holiday candle, so she threw it out. It was in that thing that you made us memorize.
Amy: You memorized it? But you said it was homework and you don't do homework.
Rosa: Yeah, well, you said to read it, so I read it. We're a team, ya flope.
Amy: It's catching on.
Rosa: Eh.

Quote from Jake

Adrian Pimento: Hey, guys, it's me, Adrian Pimento.
Jake: Hey, Pimento, how's it going, bud?
Adrian Pimento: Pretty good, I know where I am, and I know what a table is, so everything's going great.
Jake: Pretty low bar for greatness, but all right.

Quote from Adrian Pimento

Charles: Hey, how's it been since you stopped taking those pills?
Adrian Pimento: Well, thankfully, my full memory has come back, even the things that haunt me. [silence followed by manic laughter] Hey, Jake, I saw that movie you keep talking about.
Jake: You watched "Memento"? And what'd you think?
Adrian Pimento: It's okay. [long silence as Jake and Pimento look at each other]

Submit Quotes