Sergeant Jeffords: Before we wrap up this briefing, I wanted to give a few shout-outs. Diaz, great job on that B&E. You are a good cop with a great attitude.
Rosa: I don't like this.
Sergeant Jeffords: Santiago, when I think of your CompStat reports, one word comes to mind: wow. And that "WOW" is an acronym for "Wow, oh, wow. "
Amy: What is happening?
Captain Holt: He's buttering us up before giving us some devastatingly bad news. My God, Jake and Charles are dead.

Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Amy: Maybe we should talk about deets for the case. Plan our next move. Grab some chow.
Captain Holt: No need. I brought these. Nutrition bricks. I have original no flavor, and whole wheat no flavor.

Jake: We have a few more questions for you, doctor.
Captain Holt: Doctor. Huh. It's funny when people call dentists "doctor".
Philip Davidson: We are doctors. We do four years of medical school.
Captain Holt: Yeah, but it's called "dental school".
Philip Davidson: But we learn about the entire body.
Captain Holt: But if you had cancer, you wouldn't call a dentist.
Philip Davidson: You know it's actually harder to get into dental school than medical school.
Captain Holt: Well, because there are fewer dental schools. Because most people want to become actual doctors.
Philip Davidson: That's ridiculous. It's not like we're college professors calling ourselves "doctors".
Captain Holt: Not the same thing, my friend.
Philip Davidson: Well, sure it is. When someone has a heart attack on a plane, do they yell out, "Yo, does anybody here have an Art History PhD?"
Captain Holt: A PhD is a doctorate. It's literally describing a doctor.
Jake: Maybe let's refocus.
Captain Holt: No! The problem here is that medical practitioners have co-opted the word "doctor".
Jake: Okay, Captain-
Captain Holt: I know we live in a world where anything can mean anything, and nobody even cares about etymolo-
[cut to outside, Holt downing a glass of water]
Captain Holt: Apparently that's a trigger for me.
Jake: Yeah, apparently.

Adrian Pimento: Uh, I'm scared of heights, Jake.
Jake: Yeah, so am I, Adrian.
Adrian Pimento: This might not be the time to tell you, but both my parents died falling out of lighthouses, separate incidents.
Jake: Oh, man, I have so many questions, but for now, just follow my lead, okay?

Jake: So you still annoyed?
Amy: Yes. You can't keep saying "mischief managed" after we finish sex.
Jake: It's what Harry Potter says when he needs to clear the Marauder's Map.
Amy: Obviously, I know that, but I would prefer to keep wizard terms out of our sex life.

Brad Portenburg: Hello, squad. My name is Brad Portenburg, and today I'm gonna teach you about workplace conflict. So I brought along someone who's an expert in conflict: my ex-wife. Just kidding. She lives in Vermont with our kids. So can anyone tell me what a stereotype is?
Scully: The Irish are potato-eating drunks.
Hitchcock: And the gays-
Brad Portenburg: No, no, no, what does the word "stereotype" mean?