Rosa: All you have to do is say a few nice comments during the memorial.
Captain Holt: As God said when Wuntch tried to sneak past the gates into heaven, "It ain't happening, honey."
Rosa: [cackles]

Jake: Wait, Wuntch is dead?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yeah. The Commissioner's office just notified us.
Captain Holt: No way that's true. As Wuntch says when she sees deodorant, "I'm not buying it."
Rosa: [laughs]

Sergeant Jeffords: Terry said he had some news from the office of Commissioner Wuntch.
Captain Holt: [groans] What does that human blister want now? Does she intend to demote me even further? Or perhaps she'll transfer me to the swamps of New Jersey so I can patrol the sinkhole where she was spawned.

Amy: It isn't just Wuntch. I started seeing a fertility doctor and she has me taking hormones to help with ovulation and my emotions are in overdrive.
Captain Holt: Well, I know just the thing to cheer you up. Wuntch is dead! Bagel! Bagel! Bagel!
Rosa: Sir, I am loving this color on you, but don't you think you should tone it down?
Captain Holt: Why, in case I run into her family? I'm not planning any trips to the Bronx Zoo.

Rosa: Oh, you must be feeling better. You're heating up your favorite meal; beans.
Captain Holt: They're refried. It's bad enough they were cooked once, let alone twice, and now the toaster oven makes it three times. I couldn't be crying for help any louder.

Jake: Or it's possible the announcement has nothing to do with you.
Captain Holt: Oh, good thinking, Peralta. You're right. Maybe Madeline wants to inform us all that she's a Cheuksin.
Charles: A what?
Captain Holt: A Cheuksin. A Korean toilet ghost, lives in an outhouse, wraps her hair around your throat and chokes you to death while you move your bowels.
Jake: You know what? I will give you $6,000 if the announcement is she's a Cheuksin.

Sergeant Jeffords: Sir, she's dead.
Captain Holt: Oh, Terry. Zombies can't die. This is some sort of scam. If she were dead, we would be hearing the sounds of children singing in the streets.

Rosa: Where are you going?
Captain Holt: To find out if there was another man.
[later:]
Captain Holt: So, um, Adam is it? I only ask because Madeline never mentioned you.
Adam Jarver: Interesting, 'cause she mentioned you to me, as a friend.
Captain Holt: Friend? I think you added an "R" to the word "fiend."
Adam Jarver: No, I'm sure it was friend. I mean, based on context alone, I wouldn't say somebody was one of my closest fiends.
Captain Holt: Oh, you might. We had a very contentious relationship. She never forgave me for embarrassing her in front of Derek Jeter.
Adam Jarver: Well, I embarrassed her in front of A-Rod and J.Lo together.
Captain Holt: For 15 years I replaced her anti-wrinkle cream with sour cream.
Adam Jarver: I replaced her Lactaid pills with Tic Tacs. Dead moron was crapping her pants for months.
Captain Holt: She hacked into my Netflix account and watched the Lizzie McGuire movie on repeat to ruin my algorithm.

Sergeant Jeffords: Why would Wuntch fake her own death?
Captain Holt: The same reason she visits Mexico once a year and sucks the blood from all the goats. For kicks.
Sergeant Jeffords: Look, I don't know what to tell you, but she's dead. What do you want? To open up her coffin and check for yourself?
[later:]
Captain Holt: Oh, she's very dead.

Amy: Oh, my God! I just heard about Wuntch! She was so young!
Captain Holt: For a redwood tree. Uh, I don't understand what's going on. Why are you crying?
Amy: A person is dead. I feel sad.
Captain Holt: That's insane. You don't feel sad when a monster dies in a monster movie. In "E.T.," do you feel sad when E.T. dies?
Amy: Yes.
Rosa: He wasn't a monster.
Captain Holt: He caused a real commotion.

Captain Holt: So you were right. Wuntch was not able to claw through her coffin and write the email herself. It turns out, the lawyer for her estate sent it.

Jake: My friends, I have a proclamation to bestow upon ye.
Sergeant Jeffords: Why are you talking like that?
Charles: And why'd you have us come in here? Is this about the tickets?
Jake: It is indeed about said tickets, and said proclamation about said tickets is in fact...
Sergeant Jeffords: Jake, just tell us. No one is liking this.
Charles: I'm loving it. You sound so smart.
Jake: Oh, thank you, my loyal subject Charles. Now, as you know, this decision has been quite hard upon me... title of mine sex tape... but I have made it at long last, and it is my decree that the recipient shall be... Both of you.
Charles: What? Did you talk to Mikey J. and get more tickets?
Jake: Indeed I did not, but it is my decision that I will cut all of said tickets in twain.

Amy: Look, since you can't say anything nice, try saying the opposite of whatever you're thinking.
Captain Holt: Interesting. I'll give it a whirl. Madeline Wuntch was... A friend.
Rosa: See? It's not that hard to say something ni... Oh, you're vomiting.
Captain Holt: [barfing]

Captain Holt: All right. Uh, the email contains a link to a video. I'm going to play it. Brace yourselves. If it shows Madeline, be sure not to look directly into her eyes.
Rosa: Because we'll turn to stone?
Captain Holt: No. Because her eyes are ugly.

Adam Jarver: She made me guard that doctor who came back to New York with Ebola.
Amy: Sir, maybe you want to keep it down. There's people...
Captain Holt: That witch ruined my life! She demoted me from captain to uniformed officer.
Adam Jarver: Eight years ago she had me kicked off the force entirely. You were not her greatest rival, and the proof is right here.
Madeline Wuntch: [on video] Hello, Adam. I may be dying but I burned down your cabin in Maine. You were my one true rival.
Adam Jarver: There you have it.
Captain Holt: I meant nothing to her. That cockroach Madeline was two-timing me!

Amy: I wish I had taken the LSATs. Not to be a lawyer. Just seems like a fun test.
Rosa: Dude, you're bumming us out.

Charles: No, this is on you, Jake. You need to make a choice.
Jake: That's not fair. You both want to go and I don't want to hurt either of you. But maybe I don't have to. I can let fate hurt you. We'll flip a coin. Terry, call it in the air. Heads or tails.
Sergeant Jeffords: [grunts] Neither.
Jake: Oh, my God. Did you just fold my quarter in half?
Sergeant Jeffords: Fate's a bitch. You make the choice.

Amy: Well, I called the doctor to see if that was a common side effect and apparently, it isn't.
Jake: Oh, no. Is everything okay?
Amy: Yeah. She did have one guess as to what might be causing it. And, um, she was right. [holds up pregnancy test]
Jake: [exhales] Ames. Are we having a baby?
Amy: We're having a baby.
[elsewhere, Boyle bolts up in bed:]
Charles: It happened!

Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, everyone. I have some news.
Captain Holt: That Madeline Wuntch is a Korean toilet ghost? Boring. We already knew that.
Sergeant Jeffords: Madeline Wuntch is dead.
Captain Holt: Say what now?

Scully: What's this meeting about? Did someone find my meatball sub?
Jake: A, we would never have a meeting about that. B, you are holding it.
Scully: Oh. [chuckles] Meeting adjourned.
Rosa: Meeting's not over, dummy.

Jake: Ugh. Wario, why are you like this?

Captain Holt: As many of you know, Madeline and I were bitter rivals, but I've come to realize she held a special place in my life. No one challenged me like she did or made me feel as alive. Our relationship was like an epic chess match. And it's hard to believe that... She'll never make another move. [phone chimes] Unless... No, it's just a notification. Cheddar's doggy toothpaste has shipped. So she is gone, and I wish she were not. I will miss you, Madeline Wuntch.

Rosa: It's crazy. After today you never have to think about Madeline Wuntch again.
Captain Holt: Yes, I suppose you're right.
Rosa: Sir, does that make you sad?
Captain Holt: I don't know. I think maybe... Yes?
Amy: Well, I think it's natural to feel a little down about her death. For the last 20 years, your lives have been entangled.
Captain Holt: Because of her ratty hair. No, it's not the same. Now it just feels like I'm insulting a helpless dead person.
Amy: You are. It's what you've been doing all week.
Rosa: Yeah, it's been tight.

Amy: So just to be clear, this service is actually real, right?
Captain Holt: Oh, yes. I figured if I needed two fake memorials to smoke out Wuntch's plan, she deserved to win, but she didn't win. I did. Finally beat the old fishwife.

Jake: So how are you two feeling after your little boxing match?
Charles: My head hurts.
Sergeant Jeffords: I can't feel my strawberries.
Jake: I meant more emotionally and less groinally, but listen, ever since I brought these tickets up, you guys have made my life absolutely miserable, but that ends now, because I've made a choice.
Sergeant Jeffords: Cagney is sick. We don't know how long she has.
Charles: We do know for Nikolaj. It's 36 hours.

Adam Jarver: You hired actors?
Captain Holt: Worse. They're members of local improv troupes, and they did it for "the exposure."
Jastin: This has been a blast, but we have to go start a flash mob at the Freedom Tower. Oh, check out our YouTube channel.
Rosa: No. Sit down.

Captain Holt: [on video] Madeline Wuntch will not soon be forgotten. Trick or Treaters will dress like her for generations.

Adam Jarver: Wow, that speech would have been amazing. I had to look up what a toilet ghost was.
Captain Holt: Uh, yes, I took a trip to Korea just to research a new Wuntch insult. In fact it's been a motivation for most of my international travel.

Jake: All right. I guess this is happening. Touch gloves. Charles, it's been very nice being your friend. Terry, I'll visit you in prison. And... [bell ringing] Fight.
Charles: Strawberry basket!
Sergeant Jeffords: [groans]
Charles: Whoo, yeah! You mess with Grandma, you're gonna get the basket!
Jake: Charles, you punched him in the nards.
Charles: Yeah, Nana fought nasty. Now if you don't mind, I'd like those tickets.

Amy: No, that's what Wuntch wanted. You're letting her win.
Rosa: Sweaty Amy's right. If you really wanna get back at her, you'll team up with Adam and give her a nice funeral.
Amy: It's like The Durrells of Corfu when Prudence and Louisa joined forces...
Captain Holt: To sink the catamaran of the bookseller Yorgos who wronged them both. Yes! I will team up with Adam. Wow. [laughs] For a moment there, I almost forgot who the real villain was. The woman who recently died.

Sergeant Jeffords: Twain? Terry doesn't want a twained ticket to "Kwazy Kupcakes."
Charles: That's not how tickets work.
Sergeant Jeffords: You'd just be ruining them.
Charles: None of us would get in.
Sergeant Jeffords: Are you dumb?
Jake: No! All right, full disclosure. I was trying to do that Bible thing and then one of you was gonna take the high road and say that rather than see the tickets destroyed, you would just bow out, and then that person was gonna get the tickets.
Sergeant Jeffords: Nope. If I don't get them, no one does.
Charles: Agreed. Boyles or bust. Cut them up.
Jake: [sighs] I'm not gonna do that. I'm just gonna have to think of another way to figure this out. Stupid Bible with stupid lessons never solved crap!

Charles: I don't know, sir. You didn't believe it when we told you the Disco Strangler died, either.
Captain Holt: And I was right. He was faking it.
Charles: Maybe she's alive.

Captain Holt: That man is lying. I don't believe Wuntch had another rival. I saw it in her eyes. She only had hate for me.
Rosa: Are you jealous?
Captain Holt: Of course I am. I despised her with my entire being while she was only despising me with a fraction of hers?

Adam Jarver: Excuse me. Is this the memorial for Madeline Wuntch?
Captain Holt: Yes, this is the memorial for Madeline Wuntch. Just saying her name brings tears to my eyes.
Adam Jarver: Why, because her heart was made of onions?
Captain Holt: Excuse me?
Adam Jarver: Madeline Wuntch was what you get when you cross a slug with an anal fissure. We spent our entire lives trying to destroy each other. I was her one true nemesis.
Captain Holt: No!

Amy: Now these fertility drugs are making me sweat. Is it noticeable?
Rosa: No.
Captain Holt: Yes. Oh. I thought we were gonna lie to her because it's so upsetting to look at.

Amy: Wait. Does this mean you're gonna be captain again?
Captain Holt: It does. The Chief of Personnel called to say the promotion is in the works. Her death means I've won. It's finally over. [cell phone chimes] An email from Madeline Wuntch? Subject line, "It's not over."

Captain Holt: Ding, dong, the Wuntch is dead. Bagels for everyone!
Rosa: So I guess you believe it now.
Captain Holt: Yep. Wanna see the selfies I took?
Rosa: Actually, yes.
Captain Holt: I'll share the album with you.

Madeline Wuntch: [on video] Hello, Raymond. Surprised to see me?
Captain Holt: Well, I didn't say Bloody Mary three times, so yes.
Amy: When did she record this?
Rosa: Judging by the flames around her, it could be a livestream.
Captain Holt: [laughs] Very good, Rosa. [laughs]
Madeline Wuntch: I'm sure you consider my untimely death a victory, but I'd never let you win. I told everyone that in my final days, we reconciled and you insisted on hosting and organizing my NYPD memorial service. I know you won't be able to resist badmouthing me at the service. All the top brass will be there, and when you speak ill of me, it will end your career. It's over. I won. Bye, Raymond.

Jake: Pimping out your kids? I hate to say this, but you two are acting like bad dads, and I should know. One time my father forgot to pick me up from school 'cause he was having sex with my best friend's mom.
Charles: Oh, my God. That's terrible.
Jake: Yeah. I was 15. I just walked to the mall and watched "Empire Records" by myself, but the point is, you're both acting ridiculous.

Jake: Hello, gentlemen. Guess who's walking the red carpet this Saturday?
Charles: Chord Overstreet.
Jake: Who?
Charles: Sam Evans from "Glee."
Jake: No, me. Why would you guess that? I was clearly talking about me.
Charles: Okay, but for the record, I bet Chord Overstreet will also be walking one.
Jake: Stop talking about Chord Overstreet.

Amy: Just tell me what room the memorial is in. We don't have a lot of time to set up.
Captain Holt: About that. Yesterday before you convinced me to hold a respectful service, I sent some instructions for how I wanted the room to look. We may need to make some tweaks.
[later:]
Rosa: So many balloon arches.
Captain Holt: I know. It all has to go. Okay! Everyone, we have work to do.

Charles: Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Just so you know, I would never bend your money.
Jake: Yeah, 'cause you can't.
Charles: Correct, I cannot.
Jake: No one can. How did he do that?

Amy: Hey, so I don't know if you noticed, but ever since I started those hormone treatments...
Jake: I didn't notice anything.
Amy: You said that way too quick.
Jake: I mean, you did cry at that one car commercial and it wasn't even an emotional one. It was about towing capacity.
Amy: Yeah.

Sergeant Jeffords: Hey there, Jake. I felt bad about folding your quarter in half, so I got you a new one.
Jake: Thank you. But that's not a quarter.
Sergeant Jeffords: Wow, you're right. That happens to be an 1883 Carson City silver dollar in near-mint condition complete with commemorative case. [whistles] That's gotta be worth $138. You know what? Keep it.

Charles: Shame. Shame, Terrence Jeffords, shame! You probably didn't realize this, Jake, but the lieutenant over here is trying to bribe you.
Jake: Yeah, I don't think he's hiding that.
Sergeant Jeffords: I am not.
Charles: Well, neither am I. Here's a check for $200.
Sergeant Jeffords: Another silver dollar. Ooh, looks like I'm up to 276.
Charles: Well, here's a second check for $77. I am up one dollar.
Sergeant Jeffords: Four more.
Jake: How many silver dollars do you have?
Sergeant Jeffords: As many as it takes.

Captain Holt: Oh, no. I'm doomed.
Rosa: Seriously? All you have to do is not insult a dead woman at her own memorial service.
Captain Holt: Exactly. It's impossible.

Jake: Okay. You guys are being really intense. I like all of your kids an equal amount. Just give me some space and I'll figure out who I'm gonna take.
Sergeant Jeffords: Okay, backing off.
Charles: Stepping away.
Sergeant Jeffords: Making room.
Charles: Letting you breathe.
Jake: Thank you. [cell phone chimes] Did you both just send me pictures of your kids crying?
Both: No.

Charles: Wait. He's taking the kids for us?
Sergeant Jeffords: It's just like getting a free babysitter.
Charles: This is incredible. People without kids are so stupid.
Sergeant Jeffords: They're gonna destroy him.
Charles: Yeah.

Jake: Just stop, all right? Stop lying. This is exactly the type of behavior that has led me to decide that I'm not taking either of you.
Sergeant Jeffords: Seriously? Oh, man. The kids are gonna be so disappointed.
Jake: No, they won't, because they're going. That's right, I'm bringing all three of them by myself and you two don't get to go. Your childish behavior has led you to miss out on the most exciting movie premiere event in the state of New York this Saturday. I hope you've learned your lesson. Good day.

Amy: So I take it you couldn't get out of organizing Wuntch's memorial.
Captain Holt: Oh, no. It's impossible. She has bested me yet again.
Amy: Well then stop being such a moron, you idiot.
Captain Holt: Amy!
Amy: Sorry, it's the hormones. They're making me really irritable.
Rosa: Angry Amy's right.

Charles: Wow. So who you bringing?
Sergeant Jeffords: You know, Cagney and Lacey love "Kwazy Kupcakes." They are crazy Kwazy fans.
Jake: Huh, cool. Well, if you guys are free this Saturday...
Charles: Stop, before you say anything you regret, you should know that "Kwazy Kupcakes" means a lot to Nikolaj. At the orphanage, that game was his only friend.
Sergeant Jeffords: Touching, but Cagney and Lacey don't have any friends at all. Maybe they can make some at this event.
Charles: So what do you say, Jake? Whose kids do you like more?
Jake: What? Wait, wait, wait. That's not what this is about.
Sergeant Jeffords: No, Boyle's right. Whose kids do you like more? Tell us now.

Captain Holt: It's over.
Adam Jarver: Yeah, for you. Everyone who's anyone in NYPD just saw you for your true self. Your career is ruined, Ray-Ray.
Amy: Who are you? Why are you doing this?
Adam Jarver: I'm Madeline Wuntch's nephew. She sent me here to carry out the final phase of her master plan, and now it's all over. Wait, why are you smiling?
Captain Holt: Because, Adam, this isn't the real memorial. It's all a ruse.
Adam Jarver: What?
Rosa: Yeah, what?
Captain Holt: I knew Wuntch had one final trick up her sleeve. I didn't know what it was, so I had to be prepared for anything. This whole thing was staged. None of these people are real mourners. They're not even in the NYPD.

Captain Holt: Good afternoon. On this sad day, I'd like to say a few words about Commissioner Wuntch.
[A giant video monitor above the altar comes on and plays a video of Captain Holt recorded moments earlier:]
Captain Holt: Madeline smelled like dog crap.
[present:]
Captain Holt: I'm sorry. I... I don't know what... [Adam waves] Adam, what are you doing?
Adam Jarver: I'm showing everyone your true colors, Raymond Holt. Enjoy the show, people!

Rosa: So you guys are friends now?
Captain Holt: Uh, yes, it seems we have a great deal in common.
Adam Jarver: Well, one thing.
Both: Hating Wuntch. [both laugh]
Adam Jarver: I read him the obituary I wrote for her, but the "Times" wouldn't publish it. It had too many obscenities.
Captain Holt: And I read him my all caps speech.
Adam Jarver: And I loved it. It was like poetry.
[flashback:]
Captain Holt: Madeline smelled like dog crap.
[present:]
Adam Jarver: Raymond convinced me the best way to get back at Wuntch is to make sure he doesn't get fired. Also I'm just gonna chisel a penis onto her headstone.
Captain Holt: And I'm gonna watch.

Jake: No, I'm going to the world premiere of "Kwazy Kupcakes: The Movie."
Sergeant Jeffords: Whoa! How'd you get the invite?
Jake: My buddy Mikey J. hooked me up.
Charles: Oh, your ska friend? Did he work on the movie?
Jake: No, he submitted an unsolicited script that a producer accidentally opened so legally they had to give him a "story by" credit, and now I've got four tickets.

Jake: Guys, stop! It's a movie about cupcakes!
Sergeant Jeffords: You don't understand!
Charles: You don't have kids!

Nikolaj: Hi, Jake. It's me, Nikolaj.
Jake: Hey, bud. What are you doing here? It's Thursday. Shouldn't you be at tailoring class?
Nikolaj: I want to say thank you. Dad said that you were giving us tickets to the "Kwazy Kupcakes" movie.
Jake: Oh, he did, did he? Excuse me one second. [covers Nikolaj's ears] Of all the twisted moves!
Charles: Don't hate the player. Go ahead. Tell Niko he's not going. I dare you.

Jake: Hey there, big guy. You sure you're feeling okay about ending Charles' life?
Sergeant Jeffords: Yep, my girls are gonna see this movie.
Jake: Right, well, before you commit manslaughter, I do feel compelled to tell you that the movie only has a 38 on Rotten Tomatoes.
Scully: Jake, stop yapping and let them fight.
Hitchcock: I wanna see the big guy pop the little guy's head off.
Charles: Yeah, let's start the fight! I wanna pop that little guy's head off!
Jake: You're clearly the little guy.
Charles: [laughs] Good one, Jake.

Jake: Charles, why did you let Terry choose boxing?
Charles: He didn't. I picked it.
Jake: But you'll die.
Charles: Don't worry about it. Boxing's in my blood. My Nana Boyle boxed in the Navy.
Jake: I'm sure she did but... and hear me out... what if you're not as strong as your Nana Boyle?
Charles: I can handle myself. She taught me her signature punch; the Strawberry Basket.
Jake: That does not reassure me.

Cagney & Lacey: Uncle Jake! Uncle Jake!
Sergeant Jeffords: Slow down, girls. No need to run. Uncle Jake is family. Now, what do you wanna say to Uncle Jake?
Cagney & Lacey: Thank you for the tickets.
Sergeant Jeffords: Oh, that's so cute how you said that at the same time without rehearsing it in the car.

Amy: Sir, over here.
Rosa: Where were you? Why are you holding the mean yelling speech?
Captain Holt: Because I'm gonna yell it, meanly. I wasted half my life hating that duplicitous hag, and she didn't even have the decency to truly hate me back. Well, screw her. I'm gonna ruin her memorial.
Amy: No, you can't do that. If you read that speech, you'll be fired.
Captain Holt: You're right. And that would ruin my career. And it's worth it. I'm giving the speech.

Amy: No sign of Holt anywhere.
Rosa: I know that's important, but I don't think I can just breeze past the outfit, Sister Act.
Amy: I sweat through my clothes and I found this in the back of a closet, okay? Deal with it.
Rosa: You look great.

Charles: Well, this checkbook is only on 304, so I can write checks all day long.
Sergeant Jeffords: Well, you know what? Here's my watch.
Charles: Yeah, melt this down.

Amy: Sir, you were doing so well, okay? Don't let this rattle you.
Rosa: Are you wearing sponges in your armpits?
Amy: If you have a better way to soak up sweat, I would like to hear it.

Charles: I tried to write a kind speech about her last night, and this is what came out.
Rosa: Oh. It's, like, 20 pages long.
Amy: Why is it in all caps?
Captain Holt: So I remember to yell it.
Rosa: Oh, well, you obviously can't read any of this.

Captain Holt: I have to hand it to you, Adam. You almost fooled me, but no other man could possibly have what Wuntch and I had. We were star-crossed haters.
Adam Jarver: Whatever. I still inherit half her estate just for trying this.
Rosa: Cool. Who gets the other half of every child's nightmares?
Captain Holt: I love it, Rosa. Great work all day.